


The Adventures of Smooth Dog and Pup

by Cinder7storm4



Category: 9-1-1 (TV), Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, BAMF Buck, Bad Therapy, Bobby is Buck's Dad, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Bonding, Buck has ohana, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Firefam Feels, Gen, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Navy SEAL buck, Nicknames, Nightmares, Ohana, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-Tsunami (9-1-1), Post-lawsuit, Protective Danny "Danno" Williams, Protective Siblings, Protective Steve McGarrett, SEAL Steve McGarrett, Slow Burn, Steve might be a bit ooc, Trust Issues, U.S. Navy SEALs, emotionally hurt Evan Buckley, entertain my suspension of disbelief, even if he has a lot to make up for in this, good therapy, let them go on vacation, old school five-o team because I'm not up to date, some of the characters are only going to appear via phone calls etc., the buddie is eventual, the whole firefam has stuff to make up for, when do I write anything sans angst?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:17:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 52
Words: 117,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22390117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinder7storm4/pseuds/Cinder7storm4
Summary: Steve McGarrett is taking Danny to LA, for reasons the detective cannot fathom.Evan Buckley is wondering why he fought so hard to get back to people who no longer care about him. But he'll be damned if he lets Steve know, because the last thing he needs is for his "big brother" to know something is wrong.Too bad Steve can read Buck like a book. And he's in town.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Comments: 636
Kudos: 2305





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own either of these franchises or their characters. I've been wanting to read a crossover between these two for awhile, so I just decided to write it myself. 
> 
> Re: the title - a baby seal is called a pup
> 
> *No beta. We die like men.

“Are you going to tell me why we’re here?” Danny asked for the fourth time as Steve navigated the crawling LA traffic. 

“No.”

“Seriously, babe. What’s in LA that’s got you wound up more than usual?” 

“Not what, who.” Steve corrected his partner as he switched lanes quickly, finally turning off the highway and streets began to zip past them. 

“Who? Who are we going to see? Steve?” 

But Steve didn’t respond, although Danny saw his partner’s hands clench the steering wheel harder. They braked suddenly at a light, Danny muttering under his breath about how Steve even had a license given that he’d spent half of his life swimming. The former Navy SEAL's lips twitched up in the ghost of a small smile, but Danny noticed that Steve’s grip on the wheel hadn’t lessened at all.

“There’s a kid here, in LA, he was going to be one of my SEALs,” Steve said, keeping his eyes on the road as he talked, the car moving again, “He, he was special, Danno.”  
Danny watched his partner talk, studying Steve’s forward gaze and the tick in his jaw. Yeah, Danny could see that this kid was special and not like Catherine special “But?” Danny prompted his prompted his partner to continue talking.

“He wasn’t made for it. He couldn’t shut his emotions off. They wouldn’t approve him for further training,” Steve’s voice was level, like he was giving a report, then it shifted, “He punched me once. We were doing an exercise and they didn’t know it was to test how well they’d take orders. He thought one of the other guys was in danger and when I told him to stay put, he punched me. I was so surprised I actually stumbled a bit.”

“Sounds like my kind of guy,” Danny responded, still a bit unsure about where this conversation was going. 

“You’ll like him, I think.” Steve nodded, as he swung a right and kept driving. 

“Is that why we’re here, in LA?” Danny asked. 

Instead of answering Danny’s question, Steve kept talking “He impressed me,” he stopped at another night, looking at Danny fondly, “Not like you, Danno” he winked at his partner, who rolled his eyes at Steve “I wasn’t interested in him like that, but… he’d been tossed around his whole life and forgotten. I could see it. He just wanted a family and so, when he left training, I went to see him off. Gave him a number, told him to keep in touch, and… I hugged him.”

Danny made a noise of surprise. 

“I know. I didn’t know why then, but when I pulled back, he told me no one had hugged him since his sister had left home years ago. He said he wasn’t sure what use it’d be to keep in touch seeing as he’d never go back to the military; it wasn’t for him.”

“Please tell me you said something, Steven. I swear, if you let him just walk out after that,” Danny replied, suddenly finding himself invested in the fate of this nameless man. 

“I told him brothers didn’t need a reason to keep in touch, Danno.”

“Really? You? You said that?”

Steve nodded. 

“And we stayed in touch. He moved around a fair bit until he settled, with people he told me were like family,” Steve tightened his grip on the wheel again, “but I think something’s wrong.”

“So, you wanted to check on him?”

Steve nodded again, slowly releasing his death grip on the wheel. 

“You know how I told you someone pushed me to stop ignoring the good things in my life,” Steve pulled into a parking lot, parked the car, and fixed his partner with an intense look, “and that one of those things was obviously you.”

Danny smiled, sappy and talkative Steve was a relatively new development in their relationship, but he loved when those sides of his partner made an appearance, so he just nodded.  
“He was the one to push me,” Steve told Danny, as the detective reached for his partner’s hand to intertwine their fingers. 

“I’d love to meet your little brother, babe.”

“Good.” 

“Is that why we’re at,” Danny squinted up at the numbers on the side of the firehouse, “the 118 fire station?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie's introduced. There's the beginning of a confrontation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these franchises or characters.
> 
> See end note for update info.
> 
> No beta; we die like men.

“You know, I’m sure you’ve thought this through, babe, but do you have a plan you’d like to fill me in on? Like, is he even working today? Also, what’s his name?”

Steve huffed out a laugh, “Buck, he likes to be called Buck. His full name is Evan Buckley, but only his…father,” Steve’s jaw tightened minutely, then he took a breath, letting his face relax “calls him that.” 

“Buck Buckley,” Danny chuckled, rubbing a soothing thumb over Steve’s hand “Why am I not surprised?” 

“And I texted him earlier. He said his shift ends now. If everything is fine, we go in there and he’s eating dinner with his firefam” Steve’s lip curled up a bit in a half-smile at the slang, “but if he isn’t, well, then, let’s hope there is a back-up crew on call.”

Danny clutched at Steve’s wrist “Babe, you won’t actually…”

“I don’t plan to kill them, yet” Steve replied, then pushed open the door, tugging his wrist gently from Danny’s grip and he stepped out into the parking lot. He went over to Danny’s door and opened it for his partner, who just rolled his eyes but stepped out into the LA evening light. 

“Alright, well, I’ve got your back, babe. Just try not to stir things up too much until we know what we’re dealing with.”

“Oh, Danno, when have I ever jumped into something without all of the information?” Steve quipped, tangling his hand with Danny’s as they walked into the fire station. 

Danny looked around casually as they entered, taking note of his surroundings. Even though they were on a vacation of sorts, he was with Steve, and with his partner situations tended to go sideways more often than not. 

There was the sound of chatter and the clinking of plates from a loft in the station, so that’s where Steve and Danny headed. 

“Can we help you?” A tall, brown-haired man called out as they emerged from the staircase, he walked forward with a hand outstretched “I’m…”

“Captain Robert Nash,” Steve interjected, shaking his hand “I’ve heard some great things about the food and community in your fire station.”

“Call me Bobby,” Bobby paused, “I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met?”

“He’s Steve, and I’m Detective Danny Williams,” Danny jumped in, watching as Steve’s eyes scanned looking for Buck, who obviously wasn’t there.

“Oh, are you a new colleague of Athena’s? She sends newcomers around occasionally for food to help you adjust to LA. It’s not as bad a city as television might have you believe.”

“Is this your whole crew?” Steve was asking, gesturing at the people seated around the table.

“Yup, the best of the LAFD,” Bobby said, a proud smile on his face.

“Really?”

One man stood up from the table to walk over to the trio “I’ve never worked with better, even when I was in Afghanistan. I’m Eddie,”

“Diaz,” Steve finished, neglecting Eddie’s outstretched hand for a moment.

“Umm, yeah, you served too?”

“You definitely look the type,” Chim said, “Not to stereotype or anything. The name’s Chim.”

“No harm done,” Steve replied, then he shook Eddie’s hand, a bit harder than necessary Danny noted. 

“You’ve got that right, Steve was in…” Danny began to speak.

“I was in the military alright, but don’t let me bore you with all of that,” Steve cut in smoothly. 

“Would you rather we regale you with stories of our craziest calls then? I’m Henrietta but most people call me…”

“Hen,” Steve said, once again coming in with part of a name before someone could state it. 

“Very good, soldier boy.”

“He has always been good with nicknames,” Danny replied.

“Aww, Danno, I didn’t know you’d noticed,” Steve responded, but the smile on his face didn’t reach his eyes.

Danny could see Steve growing tenser as moments went by without a sign of his Buck. 

Bobby’s eyes flicked to the clock, then he smiled at Danny and Steve again “I just need to check something downstairs but make yourselves at home.”

While Danny sat, Steve chose to lean against the railing, watching as Bobby made his way over to what must be the locker room. As he kept one eye on the direction the captain had disappeared in, he watched a woman, a civilian, walk into the station, making her way to the loft. As she approached, Steve recognized her from a photo he’d seen during a conversation that he’d had with Buck years ago.  
“Maddie!” Chim called out, brushing a kiss over his girlfriend’s cheek “You’re just in time for dinner.”

“Thank goodness!” She put down her purse then took note of the newcomers, “Hi, I’m Maddie Buckley and you are?”

“Detective Danny Williams,” Danny introduced himself, “and that’s Steve,” who nodded at Maddie. Danny noted Maddie’s last name and with a brief glance at Steve confirmed that this person was a relation of Buck’s, probably his sister, but it seemed Steve was holding out judgement on Miss Buckley and her role in whatever was going on with his little brother. 

Then shit hit the fan. 

“Where’s my brother?” Maddie asked, and her tone, curious, but not worried, solidified Steve’s assumption that she probably didn’t know what was going on with Buck. 

“Oh, where does he work? Captain Nash told us this was the whole crew,” Steve’s voice was casual to everyone but Danny. He’d heard that voice in so many interrogation situations that he felt it prudent to move back slightly to angle himself between Steve and the rest of the crew. 

Maddie’s forehead crinkled, then she spun to look at Chim. “Where’s my brother, Howard?”

“He wasn’t on today,” Hen tried to cover for her friend, but then Maddie scoffed. 

“He texted me earlier today, telling me you were all safe after that call this morning. Howard Han what aren’t you telling me?”

Steve watched Chim attempt to avoid eye contact with his girlfriend, while Eddie was trying to cover up the tension building in his shoulders, hands tensing into fists, and Hen seemed to be trying to come up with an explanation, but none of that did any good as that was the moment they heard Bobby’s voice. 

“I hope you weren’t planning on leaving without clearing it with me,” the captain’s tone was cold, and if they’d all been eating and playing music like a normal dinner, they’d never have heard it. But Steve did hear it and without a second’s hesitation he bolted down the stairs. 

“Steve,” Danny called, but followed his partner swiftly, hearing a pair of shoes follow him, and he glimpsed Maddie Buckley behind him. Hmm, he figured that was a good sign. 

“No. I was just…”

“Leaving without finishing your work?” Bobby hadn’t heard them, as he took Buck to task.

Buck, for his part, had been leaving the locker room after double-checking that his chore list was complete. His head had been elsewhere. Given his recent lack of sleep, that was pretty standard for him, but before he’d had a chance to leave, he’d decided to type out a message to Maddie to excuse his absence from dinner. He didn’t need to cause problems with her and Chim. He didn’t need to cause anyone else any more problems. 

But Bobby had found him as he’d finished up the text to Maddie, and he’d almost walked into his captain, who was once again only paying attention to him to make an example of him. But Buck knew he deserved it. He didn’t even know why he’d opened his mouth to make an excuse.

Bobby stepped closer to Buck, and even though the latter was taller, he felt himself shrink back in the face of a perceived threat. Bobby missed all of it though, as he continued to vocalize his disappointment with Buck’s comportment. “Do you understand me, Buckley?” 

That was when Steve, Danny, and Maddie arrived on the scene, with the rest of the team steps behind. 

And if Steve hadn’t felt angry about the situation already the next two words out of Buck’s mouth would have ignited a blaze of fury.

“Yes, sir.” Buck’s voice was hardly more than a whisper, and he looked exhausted. Not to mention that his captain had literally cornered him between the wall and an equipment rack. 

Steve saw red, “Get the hell away from him!”

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sorry, it's a bit of a cliffhanger*
> 
> So, I can't promise a strict schedule of updates, but as often as I have something it'll go up.


	3. We’ll get him home, Maddie.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie lays into the 118 a bit. 
> 
> Danny, Buck, and Steve head home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these franchises or characters. 
> 
> Please do not repost to another site.

Danny knew he had under 30 seconds to prevent Steve from laying into Bobby Nash, but as his mind whirled around possible ways to keep his partner from getting them arrested, he hadn’t factored in Buck. 

“Get the hell away from him!”

Buck knew that voice. His eyes, still on the ground, slammed shut so tightly it hurt his head. He couldn’t be that tired again. He couldn’t be hallucinating again. Not here. Not now. Not Steve. His hands came up to clutch at his head, to block his ears, trying to keep his breathing under control. It couldn’t be happening here, right now. He couldn’t be having a panic attack because Bobby, no, Captain Nash had yelled at him. That’s all they did to him now, he shouldn’t be reacting like this, but Steve’s voice, that was new. 

If Steve knew, if he knew what Buck had done, how he’d failed, a pained whimper left Buck’s mouth. He knew abstractly that he’d bit his tongue, just like he used to when his dad used to… he couldn’t go down that path right now. 

It all happened so fast. One second Danny saw Steve, with murder in his eyes, and he couldn’t really fault his SEAL in the moment, because hell, he didn’t even know Buck yet and he was pissed at Nash. But then Buck’s hands came up to cover his ears and a low whimper, like that of a wounded animal sounded, and Steve, somehow diverted direction just a fraction. He shoved Nash out of the way, but his attention was on Buck, who was mumbling too low for anyone else to hear. 

Danny knew Steve had things in hand though, so he turned to the rest of the players in the drama unfolding at the 118. Maddie was watching her brother, a look of pain so raw on her face that Danny knew she couldn’t have known what was going on here. But then Maddie’s face twisted from pained to wrathful, and she stalked over to Nash, forcing him to take several steps back away from Steve and Buck. Danny followed, keeping himself on the fringes as the other firefighters seemed frozen in their places. 

“Who the hell do you think you are, Captain?” The derision and ferocity in Maddie’s voice as she spat Bobby’s title at him made all of them flinch.

“Maddie…” Bobby’s voice was a bit hoarse, shock, Danny assumed.

“No!” She hissed. “You don’t get to say a damn word. You’re why he has been avoiding me. You’re why he’s having nightmares about him again!” Maddie’s voice was harsh, with no room for softness, but she kept her voice down enough not to startle Buck and Steve “Has he even eaten over the past several months? Or is your pride more important than the health and safety of your crew?”

Maddie whirled around to Chim, who’d moved toward her and Bobby while Hen and Eddie were still frozen watching Buck break down. “You lied to me. How dare you!”  
Chim didn’t seem to know what to say. Hen went to open her mouth, but Maddie cut her off. 

“What’re you going to say? You didn’t know it was this bad? It’d eventually blow over? That maybe he deserves it?” Those last words made Hen shut her mouth, as Eddie stepped forward an expression Danny thought he recognized on his face.

“Well, I can tell you right now, that’s what you’ve made him believe. Some family you all are. Get out of here.”

“Maddie, this isn’t your house,” Hen’s voice was tentative and quiet. 

“It’s not Buck’s either, but you’ll do him the damn courtesy of not gawking at the consequences of the shitstorm you unleashed upon him. Go!”

The four firefighters paused, but Danny cleared his throat, suddenly thankful that he had a permit to carry and that he hadn’t questioned Steve’s insistence. “You heard her. Leave.” Danny levelled a glare at Bobby who, unsurprisingly, wouldn’t meet his eyes and slowly the four firefighters returned to the loft, although Danny caught the sight of boots at the railing. He knew they were listening. 

All of Maddie’s energy and fire seemed to drain out of her in a moment, and she bit back a sob. She sniffed, wiping her eyes, and fixed Danny with a look. “Who are you to my brother?”

“No one yet,” Danny offered her a Kleenex from his pocket, “But according to my partner he’s going to be a lovable non-blood related brother-in-law.”

“I should’ve seen it,” Maddie sniffed again, tearing the Kleenex into scraps, “I should’ve known. I should’ve asked. God, he’s always there for everyone but himself. What kind of sister does that make me?”

“From that display?” Danny waved at the loft, gesturing at the hidden firefighters “I’d say you’re the type of sister who will make this right.”

Maddie nodded, finally stopping her quest to decimate the tisse and she sniffed again. “Your partner, Steve, right?” Danny nodded. “How does he know Buck?” They took a few quiet and soft steps back to where Buck and Steve were still, but Steve had gotten Buck to sit, eventually regulating his breathing, as he leaned his forehead against Steve’s shoulder, the SEAL now had his back to the wall instead of Buck. 

“I’m starting to think it’s a longer story than the one he told me, actually,” murmured Danny. 

Steve and Danny made eye contact over Buck’s shoulder, and Danny knew his partner wasn’t about to be separated from Buck anytime soon. 

“We’ll get him home, Maddie.”

“But, I…”

“I know, you want to be there for him and with him,” but Danny nodded at Steve and Buck, watching Maddie take in the trust her brother obviously had in this Steve person.

“But, he needs Steve right now.” Maddie interrupted Danny herself, nodding, even though she was upset she couldn’t be what her brother needed right now, but it was more important that Buck felt safe. Her jealousy over feeling a bit replaced in her brother’s affections was squashed by the anger she felt as she saw Steve gently coax Buck up, and she saw for the first time how much weight he had lost. 

“We’re going to get you home and you’re going to eat and then, sleep.” Steve’s voice was gentle like when he talked to Grace and it made Danny’s heart wrench to see Buck turning into that voice that a drowning man starving for oxygen. 

“But,” Buck opened his mouth to speak, then curled in on himself as if he wasn’t sure he could speak. 

“It’s okay, pup. I’ve got you.” Steve replied, seemingly understanding Buck’s hesitation. “You’re clear to go home. I promise.” He pressed a kiss to the side of Buck’s head and Danny’s heart felt like it was breaking to see Buck’s glassy eyes stare up at Steve. 

“You really are here.” Buck’s words were full of awe, like he’d thought it was a dream. 

“Damn straight, pup.”

Buck wrinkled his nose a bit at the nickname, but he didn’t seem offended. “Nothing straight about it,” Buck paused “or you.”

Danny had to laugh out loud. Maddie let out a chuckle too, finally bringing Buck’s attention to them. 

“Mads,” he tried to leave Steve’s embrace, but the SEAL kept his arm wrapped around his shoulders. Maddie came to him instead, clutching his chin in her hand, keeping their eyes on each other. 

“I love you, Buck. I should have been better at it recently.” She shushed his protests. “I will be there in the future, starting now. Go home, little brother. I’ll take care of things here.”

Buck almost seemed confused, but Maddie put that down to the stress of the panic attack and the disassociation. She hoped it wasn’t confusion about Buck not knowing that she cared about him. She really hoped it wasn’t that. 

“Here,” Danny handed her a business card, with his and Steve’s numbers, “We’ll stay with him, so if you need to get in touch.” She nodded, safely pocketing the card. 

“I’ll come by tomorrow, if you want?” She looked at Buck.

“Moved,” Buck murmured, clearing his throat a bit, “I moved a few weeks ago.”

“I’ll get the address from Steve or Danny, okay?”

Buck nodded. Maddie stepped forward and Steve moved back just a step, allowing her to hug her brother tightly. 

“Come on,” Steve tugged Buck into his space as the two of them made their slow and deliberate way into the parking lot. Danny tailed them, smiling a bit sadly at them. Before he walked out of the station, he looked back and spotted the 118 crew. More than a little pissed off, Danny thought of what Steve might do, then shook his head. Opting for a less bloody, although perhaps less satisfying option, he flipped them the bird before walking to the car.

He was shocked that when he got there, Steve was in the backseat and Buck was in the passenger seat. Now, that Buck was slightly more in his own head aside from the exhaustion he felt a bit embarrassed, but Steve’s calming hand on his shoulder helped ground him. “Don’t drive your own car often, eh?” was what Buck’s mouth came out with as Danny slid into the driver’s seat. 

“With this animal?” Danny jerked a thumb at Steve, “Never.”

“He’s worse with boats, and planes.” Buck replied, eyes crinkling a bit, “Or really anything that moves, except segways. He falls off those all the time.”

“I’d pay money to see that,” Danny replied easily, he turned to look at the young man next to him and put out a hand, “I’m Danny.”

“I know,” Buck bit his lip, “sorry, I’m…”

“It’s okay, kid,” Danny put a hand on Buck’s arm, patting it gently, “You’re Buck. Steve told me. You’re important to him, so you’re important to me. That’s all that matters to me at the moment.” 

“Now, where am I driving..." Danny paused, weighing the potential of his next word "pup.”

Buck huffed out a breath, which may have been a laugh.

"So, what's the story with that nickname?"

"Hush, Danno." Steve's voice was still gentle, but playful too. 

"It's a longer story than whatever he told you," Buck replied. 

"Then let's get you home, so you can tell it."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck is actually an adult, but the firefam has no clue. Plus, Steve makes chicken soup and Buck is afraid his nightmares will scare McDanno away (Danny won't let him think that).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta; we die like men.
> 
> I do not own these franchises or characters. 
> 
> Please do not repost to another site.

Buck’s apartment was a surprise to Danny, in that it wasn’t an apartment, but a house. Danny pulled into the driveway Buck pointed out, with an arm weighted down by exhaustion. 

“Damn Buckaroo, it’s gorgeous!” Danny let out a low whistle as he took in the house.

“When did you buy a house?” Steve asked, a hint of pride in his voice. 

“Right before the lawsuit,” Buck replied, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. 

Steve hummed, clearly knowing a bit more about that situation than he was willing to talk about at the moment. “It was going to be a surprise,” Buck mumbled.

“For who?” Danny asked.

“It doesn’t really matter now.”

“Correction, it doesn’t matter right now,” Danny told him, “Come on, let’s get you settled.”

Steve was out of the car and at Danny’s door, opening it for him, shooting his partner a small smile, before he headed over to help Buck. Of course, Buck had tried to get out himself, but he was exhausted. Steve looped an arm around his shoulders again, walking up to the door with Danny right behind them. Buck gently extracted himself from Steve’s grip to lean against the door, pulling a key from his pocket, and he slowly pushed the door open. He ushered Danny forward, half-heartedly glaring at Steve’s back as the SEAL walked in first. Danny chuckled, offering Buck a hand over the threshold, which the firefighter took gratefully. 

“Thanks, Danno.” 

“Oh, don’t you start,” Danny said, with a grin as he and Buck made their way into the kitchen. 

Steve was opening up cupboard after cupboard, looking for “Buck, what have you been eating?” Buck hunched his shoulders. Steve took in his posture, and just shook his head, “Scratch that, don’t answer me. We’ll sort it out later.”

Danny squeezed Buck’s shoulder reassuringly, “Don’t mind him, Buckaroo.”

“Now, that’s a cute nickname, Danno,” Steve quipped, gesturing at Buck to sit down. He’d found a packet of instant chicken soup, and he was now focused on the water boiling in the pot he’d found next to the stove. Steve chose to not focus on how unused everything in the kitchen appeared. He’d have bet Danny’s car that Buck had spent the last few months eating protein bars, bananas, yogurt, and maybe the occasional night of takeout to make him feel even worse. 

Buck finally sat down, looking around at his own house, a bit ashamed of how little it looked like someone lived here. 

“When I moved to Hawaii, I didn’t really decorate for months. It had to feel like home first, and that requires people that feel like family, first.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Buck mumbled, resting his suddenly pounding head on his arms on top of his kitchen table, “I just thought, I thought I had it already.”

Danny found himself wanting to comfort Buck like he would comfort Grace, with soft words and a hug. He found he wasn’t unhappy about it either. What he’d told Buck earlier was true, because the kid was important to Steve, he would be important to Danny. 

A bowl of steaming soup was placed in front of Buck, a spoon slid over to him by Steve.

“Eat.”

Buck raised his head, nausea making his stomach roll. 

“Slowly.”

Buck wanted to protest, but Steve’s face kept him from doing it. He was wordlessly pleading with Buck, and Buck never could refuse his brother much. 

He picked up the spoon, his hand shook though, but he kept going, pushing through the shakes to bring half a spoonful to his cracked lips. 

Danny could see Steve working up to a mother-hen mode that would give his own a run for its money, so he decided to try and head it off, at least for the moment, for Buck’s sake. “Are you alright with us crashing here, at least for tonight?”

“Course, you’re always welcome. Plus, Steve would just break in if I said no.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Danny replied.

Steve made a face, but Buck was still slowly sipping the soup, so the SEAL let the conversation continue. 

“How old are you anyways, kid?”

“26.” Steve answered.

“Hush, Steven. I’m talking to your brother, not you.”

Danny refocused his attention on Buck, who was watching them with tired eyes, but there was a hint of a smile on his face.

“You two are cute,” he looked at Steve, “Thank god you manned up, McGarrett.”

“I’m pretty thankful myself.”

“So, 26. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you afford this place? Even with a mortgage…”

“It’s paid off, actually,” Buck muttered, taking in another spoonful, “I made some good investments when I left the SEALs. Nothing illegal, but some decent high-risk stuff. I figured if it panned out it’d help set me up, and if it didn’t, well, maybe I wasn’t meant to…” he fluttered his fingers. 

“Stop. Don’t continue on that road, Buckaroo,” Danny said, gently. 

“You sound like Steve,” Buck replied, “Although the nickname is all you, well, others, but you’re the only one who says it that matters right now, I think. Or at least the only one who I matter to.” Then Buck yawned and Steve took that as an opportunity to move away the not even half-finished bowl of soup. 

“When was the last time you slept, pup?” 

Buck shrugged, not wanting to admit the reality to Steve, but he knew the man saw through him anyways. 

“Let’s get you up to bed.”

“We’ll be here when you wake up,” Danny told him.

“I’m, I’m not sure you’ll want to be here then,” Buck said, shakily, standing up and moving away from the table, “My nightmares are bad now, Stevie.”

“It’ll be okay, pup.”

“We’re not going anywhere,” Danny promised again, giving into his desire to hug the kid, “Nightmares don’t scare us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I'll hopefully get to the pup nickname story in the next chapter or two.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris appears!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these characters and franchises. 
> 
> No beta.

Buck moved away from Danny’s hug slowly, as if he wanted to stay ensconced in the other man’s warmth for awhile. In response, Danny patted him gently on the back, then stepped back. Steve’s face was fond while he watched the two men interact. Buck was about to climb the stairs to his room, fiddling with his watch, when he turned back and rushed back to the entryway. Confused, but not overly alarmed, Steve and Danny followed in time to see him accept a blinking video chat request on his phone, which he’d left in the hall.

“Hey Superman!” Buck’s voice went from hoarse and cracked to affected, but happier all the same. 

“Hi Buck!”

“How was your day, buddy?” Buck leaned against the wall in his entryway, which served to both block Christopher’s line of sight and make the shadows and worry lining his face less prominent. 

Christopher launched into a story about a science experiment they’d gotten to participate in at school and Buck followed every detail, asking all of the right questions. It made Danny’s heart soar to see that Buck at least had some form of sunshine in his life. About fifteen minutes went by before Steve noticed that despite his best efforts, Buck was going to start lagging. As he made to interrupt Buck, Danny grabbed his sleeve, an unimpressed look on his face. Steve raised his eyebrows back, equally unimpressed. Buck shook his head at them, looking over his phone at the pair of them, and of course, that prompted Chris to ask what was going on. 

Buck beckoned them over. Steve a bit tentative, Danny unruffled, and he introduced them to Chris. “These are my friends, Steve and Danny,” both men waved, although Steve’s was a bit of an awkward salute that made Danny smile and shake his head fondly, but exasperatedly. “You know how I’ve been down a bit lately,” Christopher nodded solemnly “Well, they’re here to help me get better, which means I should head to sleep, buddy.”

Christopher looked torn between wanting Buck to keep talking and letting him go to sleep, but then he nodded. “Okay, Buck. I’m glad you’ve got friends to look after you,” Chris looked off to the side for a moment then said, a bit more quietly “even if they aren’t my dad.” His eyes met Buck’s again through the screen and suddenly Buck felt tears building up in his eyes. “I love you, Buck.”

“I love you too, Chris,” Buck said, his voice clear, although it cracked at the end. Steve took the chance and pulled Buck into a side hug as the video closed out. 

“Why does loving hurt so much?” Buck murmured into Steve’s shoulder as he turned into the hug. 

Neither Steve, nor Danny had an answer for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short update today, but I've mapped out a lot of ideas, so be prepared for the forthcoming onslaught of angst.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck's nightmares feature his father and Bobby. *Italics = dream content in this chapter
> 
> Carla confronts Eddie. So does Chris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these characters or their respective franchises. 
> 
> No beta, we die like men. 
> 
> Italics = dream content in this chapter

Buck didn’t really want to sleep. He knew that his body needed sleep, needed it desperately in fact, but the nightmares that had been plaguing him more frequently than ever made sleep the last thing he wanted to do. Sleep never meant rest anymore.

Sighing, he looked at his bed, still made from that morning and then, he pulled a pillow off of it. He pulled a second one too, then he tossed them into the window seat he’d taken to sleeping in as of late. Sleeping in bed, alone, was a recipe for more emotionally damaging nightmares than the ones he experienced in his alcove. Punching the pillows into shape he curled himself up into as much of a ball as he could and let the fatigue drain the tension over his anticipated nightmares from his body.

It hadn’t been more than an hour when Steve and Danny heard a shout from Buck’s room, after exchanging a look, both men made their way upstairs to investigate.

Buck, for his part, was trapped in memories of his father. He had never pleased the man once in his life. He was always a disappointment. He’d never been good enough. He’d never been ready.

_“Can’t even take a damn punch like a man!”_

_Buck was eight and terrified of his father, cowering away from the man who’d backed him into a corner._

_“You’re not ready for it, you little shit! Can’t even take your punishment without being a wimp!”_

Buck whimpered as Steve crossed the threshold into his room.   
  


“Buck?” Steve’s voice was soft, so as not to startle Buck, but he was too quiet. As Steve cautiously inched over to Buck Danny stayed at the door, knowing Buck might want some semblance of privacy after waking up. But Buck’s mind wasn’t done torturing him just yet as the contents of his nightmare shifted.

_Buck was no longer in the basement of his childhood home being punished. He was back at the station, and the scoff of disappointment that always heralded a bad night for him came, not from his father, but from “Bobby?”_

Steve stopped as the name fell from Buck’s lips, trying to reassess the situation.

But Buck should have known, his dreams, like his reality, were meant to punish him. Bobby’s eyes were cold as they looked through Buck.

_“You’re not ready to come back,” Bobby told him, tone emotionless, “You’re not good enough to come back.”_

_Even if it was a dream Buck had to try, so he watched his dream-self take a step forward, “Bobby, please.”_

_“You’re not worth it, Buckley.”_

_Bobby didn’t even turn around._

_“I’ll be better…”_

_“You’ll never be good enough. Not for my house. Not for my family.”_

_And Bobby walked away, abandoning Buck, just like everyone always does, eventually._

_“Bobby, no, please!”_ Buck called out for his captain and Steve wanted to snarl at the heartbreak in his voice. He wanted to end this now, so he grabbed Buck’s hands, hoping wouldn’t trigger him further. While Buck flinched, he also seemed to surface from his sleep, automatically trying to tug his hands away before he realized Steve was the one restraining him.

Buck blinked up at Steve, his eyes full of tears, “Why don’t they want me, Steve? Why does no one love me enough to stay?”

Steve just kept his grip on Buck’s hands and moved forward to engulf his brother in a hug.

Sensing Steve and Buck might need some time to chat, Danny slowly and quietly slipped back downstairs. As he checked his phone, he saw a message from Maddie, and he debated his options for a moment before calling her. He wanted answers, now.

**

Eddie unlocked his front door absent-mindedly, not even calling out that he was home a bit earlier than expected. None of them had stuck around to eat after the events of the day. Eddie just wanted to hold Christopher close and try to figure out how to fix everything he’d broken with Buck in an attempt to protect himself.

He heard humming in the laundry room and assumed that’s where Carla was, her washing machine had broken the other week and he’d offered her use of theirs. So, he went off in search of his son, who wasn’t hard to locate, seeing as he was in his room, but something kept Eddie from walking straight into the room. He paused for a moment, listening and then he heard it, Buck’s voice!

Eddie peered through the crack in the door to see Christopher on Carla’s phone, obviously talking to Buck! He listened closely, keeping himself hidden as he did.

“You know how I’ve been down a bit lately,” Buck’s voice came over the phone and Eddie watched his son nod solemnly. Christopher had noticed Buck’s mood or at least Buck had talked to him about it. Eddie didn’t want to think about what it meant that Buck trusted Christopher so much. “Well, they’re here to help me get better, which means I should head to sleep, buddy.”

Christopher looked torn between wanting Buck to keep talking and letting him go to sleep, but then he nodded. “Okay, Buck. I’m glad you’ve got friends to look after you,” Chris looked off to the side for a moment, eyes catching on a drawing he’d done of his Dad and Buck months ago, then he said, a bit more quietly “even if they aren’t my dad.” If that wasn’t enough of a punch to the gut for Eddie, Christopher’s next words were “I love you, Buck.”

“I love you too, Chris,” Buck said, his voice clear, although it cracked at the end.

Eddie watched his son hang up on the call and place the phone carefully on his side table, a frown prominent on his face. Before Eddie could do something like burst in and ask Chris to tell him everything he knew about Buck a firm hand gripped Eddie’s arm, and he turned to see Carla, mouth in a thin line. She jerked her head to the side and then tugged at Eddie, making her intentions clear.

Once they got downstairs, Carla opened her mouth to speak but Eddie beat her to it.

“How long has that been going on?”

“You mean Buck loving your son like he’s his dad?” Carla snarked, no hint of playfulness in her tone.

“No, I know that’s been going on forever. He’s practically Chris’s second dad,” Eddie answered her without thinking, then stopped talking as he realized he’d spoken the absolute truth. Buck had always treated Chris well; Buck was peak dad material.

“Oh, so you’re just referring to the almost daily video chats Buck has scheduled with Chris so that even throughout the tsunami, the lawsuit, and your stupid street fighting your kid had someone to talk to about everything?”

Eddie was cowed by the ferocity behind her words, so he settled on a short nod.

“A few days after the tsunami. I gave him an old phone to use, because he needs it. He needs his Buck.”

Eddie felt himself shrink into himself in the face of Carla’s anger.

“Do you know that the first thing Buck told him was that Chris should tell you they were talking? Because he respects your rights as a father to keep Chris safe and in good company. But Chris didn’t want to tell you. He knows he needs Buck, which is a damn sight more than you or anyone at that damn fire station seem to understand!”

“Carla… I …. We … I screwed up.”

“Yeah, you did and if I didn’t love Chris so much, I’d have walked out because of the way all of you treat him. But Buck begged me to stay, with you and Chris. That boy deserves more than any of you have ever seen fit to give him.” She glared at Eddie then, nodded at the expression of shock and heartbreak on his face.

“I’m off for tonight, then Mr. Diaz.” She grabbed her purse from the kitchen, then bustled up to say goodbye to Chris, before leaving a chill in her wake as she exited the house.

Eddie, for his part, felt frozen. It was worse than they’d thought.

Just then he heard Chris’s crutches clack on the floor, and he turned, needing to see his son, but Chris didn’t come over to him. He was planted quite firmly a few feet away, a glare, so uncharacteristic on his face that Eddie had to blink twice to make sure it was actually there.

“Chris, I’m not mad about you talking to Buck.”

Eddie felt taken aback by Chris’s response “I wouldn’t care if you were.”

“He told me to tell you. But I didn’t want you to take him away again. I won’t let you make him more sad!” Eddie’s heart was breaking and he made to go over to Chris, but his son took a step back, glare still in place. “You’re supposed to save people! Buck saved me! But no one’s saving him, Dad! Why aren’t you saving him?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie contemplates.
> 
> Maddie's sad.
> 
> Buck and Steve talk. Buck and Danny bond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these characters.
> 
> No beta.

Chris didn’t wait for a reply from his dad, instead he turned and set off for his room. “I’m not hungry,” he called back over his shoulder.

Then it was just Eddie in his kitchen, left behind and shut out. “Just like you did to Buck,” a voice in his head told him and for the life of him he couldn’t refute it. He sighed and headed into the living room, exhausted, emotionally and physically. Eddie tried to shut his eyes, but all he could see was Buck, flinching away from Bobby, Buck trying to apologize, and Buck’s eyes growing dimmer and his voice becoming non-existent around the station. Eddie’s eyes opened again, but that didn’t help as his eyes found the photos on his mantle. Pictures of his life here, with his family, with Buck. 

Eddie didn’t know how he let it get this far though. After the tsunami, he’d tried, but maybe not as hard as he should have. He’d told him that he trusted him with Chris, but he should have known Buck wouldn’t believe him. He should have told him again, and again. He should have told the man he loved him. But Eddie couldn’t do anything about it now. He couldn’t take back the months of hurt and confusion, the pain he’d caused everyone around him. He hadn’t pushed himself to see Buck’s side of anything; he’d stayed away because he couldn’t deal with how much he wanted Buck to rely on him and how much he relied on Buck in return. He’d relied on Shannon and while that had gotten him Christopher, it had also equipped him with abandonment issues a mile long. Issues he hadn’t really acknowledged until the lawsuit and then he’d let his anger get the best of him, with the street fighting and the yelling – at Buck – in addition to the cold shouldering. 

And now, his son was angry with him and for good reason. Buck’s whimper of fear from earlier came back to him again, echoing around his head. He’d never seen his… Eddie’s mind bumped on a word to describe what Buck was to him and while he wanted to go with Christopher’s nickname, he didn’t have the right to call Buck ‘his’ at this stage. Suffice it to say, Buck was the other most important person in Eddie’s life, and he hadn’t been treating him like it at all. 

When a few weeks ago Eddie might have gone looking for a fight, he knew he was needed here and now, even if the people he loved most were angry at him. Instead of picking up and leaving, he pulled out his phone and called Frank, requesting an appointment as soon as possible. He needed to get his head on right for his family; they deserved better than what he’d been giving them. 

**  
Maddie didn’t want to see the 118 right now. She stood rooted to the spot in the station as her brother walked away from her, from the people he’d told her were like family. She might not want to see the 118 right now, but they needed to her to take them to task, again. 

She stalked upstairs, the four of them moving away from her fury. “You were supposed to be his family. He believed were you were his family. You were supposed to be better than what he had,” Maddie took a breath then kept speaking, her tone cool, rather fiery and loud, “He probably never told you, but he didn’t have a family. I left him alone in a house with a goddamn monster of a father. He never had a family until you and you didn’t turn out to be much of one, did you?” She turned on her heel to leave, then paused, fixing Bobby with a look “I’ll be dropping by to see Athena,” and to Chimney she said, “Stay home, Howard; away from me.” 

Maddie dropped Athena a text before she drove home as she pretended her eyes were teary because of the sun and not because of the memories and the fears she’d had about leaving Buck behind in that house, with that man.

But try as she might, she couldn’t stop the questions from flowing through her mind, the ones she’d never dared ask after she showed up in LA. Like how and when Buck had gotten that scar on his face. She could only imagine what their father had done. 

Back home she made herself tea, waiting for Athena to text back. 

Instead of a text, she got a call, from an unknown number.

She answered hesitantly “Hello?”

“Maddie? This is Danny.”

“Is Buck okay?”

“No. I don’t think he has been for awhile, but that’s not exactly why I’m calling. I need some answers on how we can help him. I need to know what happened to him over this past year.”

“I’m waiting on Athena. Sergeant Athena Grant, of the LAPD, she’s Bobby’s wife but I know she won’t have been involved in this bullshit. I can connect you two.”

“Thank you, Maddie.”

“Do you think he’ll see me tomorrow?”

“I’ll leave that up to him, but I think he needs all the support he can get.”

“Thanks for calling, Danny and take care of him.”

“We’re on it, Buckley.”

**

“Why’re you sleeping in the window, pup?”

“It’s safer,” Buck mumbled, “Somewhere to hide.”

“Who’re you hiding from?” Steve murmured, although he had a pretty good idea.

“Him. Him and…” Buck paused, then whispered it “him and Bobby.” He knocked his head back against the wall, hard. And Steve, winced, reaching up to cup the side of Buck’s head.  
“Buck, don’t do that to yourself.”

“It just hurts, Steve. I’m not good enough for him, for the crew, for this job…I…” 

“Stop, pup. You are more than good enough, and I’ll keep telling you that until you feel it in your heart and your head, kid.

“I won’t promise you anything, Steve.”

“I’m not asking you to,” Steve replied, “Do you think you could sleep, if I stayed?”

Buck was about to shake his head, but Steve’s hand was still on his head, and the SEAL made Buck meet his eyes. He decided to be honest and nodded. “Can you sleep on the bed?”

“Is that…?”

“It’s a question, not an order, Buck.”

“I’d rather be here.”

“Okay.” Steve away a bit and settled his back against the wall, “Then sleep, Buck.”

“I’ll try.”

And surprisingly, he did. If only for a couple of hours. 

**  
By the time Buck woke up again, he’d been asleep for three hours and Steve hadn’t left his side. 

“I’m sure Danny’s enjoying his first time in LA,” muttered Buck, not even startling Steve.

“He’s used to be shot at in my company, so this is probably as vacation-like as he’s ever going to get with me.”

Buck nodded, then swung his legs out of the alcove. “It’s late, but I should make a food run.”

Steve stood up and stretched “Tell you what, make me a list and you entertain Danno for me while I run to the store.”

“I can do that.”

**

Danny hadn’t spent his time unproductively. By the time he heard Steve and Buck coming downstairs he’d read every article there was about Buck and watched every news clip he could find. His respect for the kid just kept on growing. 

“I’m running to the store, Danno.”

“As long as Buckaroo’s made you a list, because I don’t trust your cooking aside from your grilling, Steven.”

“I’ve got a list, Danno,” Steve came over to kiss Danny lightly, then he put out his hand for the car keys, which Danny handed over with a shake of his head “Stay out of trouble.”

“You too,” Buck called after him as Steve left, and he locked the front door. 

“You want some tea?” Danny asked as Buck ambled into the kitchen, “Please don’t tell me you want coffee with butter in it.”

Buck huffed out what might have been a laugh. “While I might indulge in it occasionally, that’s not my pick me up of choice. The chai is next to the stove though.”

Danny smiled, and pulled out the tea in question and filled up the kettle. 

“So, any topics I should steer clear of?” Danny asked casually, as the water boiled.

“Nah. I haven’t really talked to anyone in months except Chris, and Carla occasionally, so please, ask away.” Buck leaned against the cabinets, spreading his arms out as if inviting questions. 

Danny nodded, taking the kid at his word.

“The house, you said it was a surprise. Who for?”

Buck huffed again, hiding a sigh.

“For all of them,” he ran a hand through his hair, “When I started at the 118, I was a punk. I drove everyone up the goddamn wall, but eventually, I started levelling back out, then my girlfriend, Abby, she picked up and left me. Went to find herself after her mom passed and I spent some time getting my head on right, living in her place until I found a loft that I could live in.”

“And the house comes in when?”

“Even after I levelled a bit after Abby, everyone thought I couldn’t handle being an adult, taking care of myself, living a life. Then, Eddie came into the picture.”

“He served?”

“Army medic,” Buck replied, “I was a dick when he first showed up, jealous of him taking my spot.”

“What changed?” 

“Sort of diffusing a bomb in an ambulance.”

“Sort of?”

“It exploded afterward, but we were all clear.”

Danny shook his head. “You get that from ability to attract trouble from Steve?”

Buck smirked a bit “That talent’s pretty mutual for us.”

“So, I’m assuming you and Eddie bonded,” Danny was fishing for information now. 

Buck’s eyes went a bit foggy, as if lost in thought. “You could say that…” He rubbed the back of his neck with a hand, trying to calm himself, “I love him, Danno. And his son, Chris. God…” Buck’s voice cracked, and he couldn’t look at Danny. 

Danny came over to stand next to Buck, slowly reaching out and putting a hand on the kid’s arm. “I know how that feels, I reckon Steve does too.”

Buck drew in a deep, shaky breath. 

The kettle whistled and Danny took a step back to fix the tea, then he passed one to Buck who took it in both of his hands, letting its warmth comfort him.

“Come on, Buck; let’s sit.”

Buck followed him into the sparsely outfitted living-room, settling gingerly on the couch. 

“So, the house?” Danny prompted once they settled with their mugs.

“Right,” Buck muttered, he cleared his throat then kept talking “The more time I spent with Eddie and Chris the more I wanted to prove I could be what they need. Dad material or some shit,” he scoffed, and Danny had to interrupt him there. 

“If we’re going by your chat with him earlier, I’d say you’ve got the Dad thing down pat. Plus, you’re his hero aren’t you, saved him from the tsunami?”

“What have you been reading up on me?”

Danny nodded. Buck ducked his head.

“Thought you wanted to know about the house?”

“Please, continue.”

“Well,” Buck bit his lip, head still bowed a bit, “I don’t know, they just don’t see me as an adult, as someone who can be responsible,” there was a spark in his eyes when he lifted his head to keep speaking, “I know I’ve screwed up, royally sometimes, but it’s like they can’t see any growth. I thought a house would help show them that I’m taking life seriously; that I’m looking forward to my future. Or I was.”

He shrugged.

“It doesn’t hurt that I know Eddie might be a bit hard up on payments for his place, so when I started looking I found a place that I knew Chris and Eddie would like. Chris and I used to go driving through the neighbourhoods, and he’d tell me what he liked, what his Dad did too. Anything that seemed outlandish I’d run by Eddie, subtly of course,” Buck put his mug down, rubbing at the back of his neck again, obviously an emotional tell for nerves or something else, Danny figured. “I thought we were getting to a place where if they needed to move, he’d be less likely to push back if I had space for them.”

Danny almost couldn’t wrap his mind around this kid’s heart. 

“Plus, May,” Buck took a deep gulp of tea, seeming to relish the burn of the hot liquid, “She’s Athena’s daughter, she’s looking at the University of California but isn’t sure about living in residence. The basement in this place is a fully-furnished apartment, with a private entrance, I figured when she gets in she might want a space of her own, while still staying close to her family.”

Danny put down his mug, looking at Buck in amazement. 

“Buck, that is some of the most adult stuff I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Buck blushed a bit at the compliment and Danny chuckled. 

“I think you’ve told me enough for today, Buckaroo, what’s say you we swap Steve stories, huh?”

“I could get behind that idea.” Buck’s lips turned up in a semblance of a smile. Its appearance made Danny feel proud. 

“So, what did he tell you about how we first met?”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena gets involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Bebe Rhexa's music, these characters, or franchises.

Chimney caught up with Bobby before he could drive home. “Uh, Cap, do you think you could give me a ride? Maddie dropped me off this morning.” Chim looked shamefaced, as he shuffled his feet on the ground. 

“Sure, Chim.” Bobby’s voice was quiet as he agreed. 

The two men drove in silence for a minute or two before Chim spoke again. “Hang a right?”

Bobby glanced at Chim in confusion but made the requested turn. “This isn’t the way to your place,” he paused “or Maddie’s.”

“No, it’s not.” 

“Chim, I doubt he would even open the door.”

“He doesn’t have to open the door to listen to me apologize.”

They were stopped at a red light and Bobby studied Chimney, the tight set of his jaw that betrayed concern and worry. 

“You know if anyone should take responsibility it’s me, right?” Bobby told Chim, but his fellow firefighter scoffed.

“We were all part of this, Bobby. All of us. Maddie’s right, we were supposed to be his family and we did a shit job of it.”

The light turned green and Bobby kept driving to Buck’s apartment. They didn’t speak anymore; there was nothing else to say.

By the time they arrived at Buck’s door their silence felt like it had been pulled taut like a rope about to snap. It was Bobby who knocked, Chim found himself unable to do it. 

Surprisingly, they heard the lock turn moments later and a young woman with red hair and tattoos opened the door. 

“Can I help you?”

Bobby felt a surge of anger rush through him, thinking back to Buck when he had first joined the 118 and had jumped from conquest to conquest. Had he pushed Buck back to Buck 1.0? 

Chim seemed to recover first “We’d like to see Buck, please.”

“Who is it, babe?” a voice that was decidedly not Buck’s echoed from the kitchen, then a young man who looked somewhat familiar to both firefighters came over to the door. “Captain Nash? Is everything alright?”

Bobby blinked, recognizing the young man as a new recruit from the academy that he’d met almost six months ago. “Wells, right? Tyrone Wells?”

“Yes, sir. Is there a problem?”

“Are you Buck’s roommates?” Chim jumped in, obviously anxious now. 

“No,” Wells’ girlfriend replied, “I’m Steph; are you Tyrone’s crew?”

“No, they’re from the 118, Steph.” Tyrone looked confused, then a shadow crossed his face. “Steph, do you mind checking my lasagna? I’ll take care of this.” Steph nodded, still looking confused she set off for the kitchen.

“What can I help you with Captain Nash?” There was definitely an edge to Wells’ tone now that hadn’t been there before.

“Where is Buck?” Chim asked, tone firm and direct. 

“I took over his lease when he moved. He’d heard I was looking and helped me out. He was great about it, actually covered my first and last month because they messed up my first two payrolls,” Tyrone spoke casually but his words were deliberate. Firefighters talked, and while Buck’s lawsuit had definitely ruffled feathers the stuff going on the in 118 now was also a subject of discussion. He was glad he’d met Buck at a volunteering gig, but Tyrone was happy he’d picked the 136 over the 118. 

“But that was months ago, guess it isn’t all rumour that he dropped millions to come back to a family that didn’t want him.”

“Millions?” Chim echoed.

But Bobby was stuck on another word Wells had uttered “Months?”

“Since before the lawsuit,” Tyrone’s response to Bobby was curt and then he turned to Chimney “Yeah, millions. I wouldn’t do that for my crew now, and I love ‘em to death.”

“Buck told you…” 

Tyrone shook his head, interrupting Chim’s accusation “Nah, Steph works with the city. It was the talk of the office for weeks. So, we done here?” Then he moved away from the door frame, as if to close the door, but Bobby stepped forward, unconsciously. Tyrone took up a more solid stance, openly glaring at them now. 

“Do… do you have a forwarding address?” Bobby’s words were hesitant and maybe that’s why Tyrone seemed to deflate a bit. 

“Landlord has it. I haven’t been over to visit him yet. That it?”

Bobby stepped back and Wells shut the door in their faces. 

They might have stood in that hallway all night if Bobby’s phone hadn’t rung. It was Athena’s ringtone; he couldn’t ignore it. 

“Athena,” Bobby hadn’t realized how much he was craving the reassurance and love of his wife until she’d called.

Athena’s tone wasn’t warm but clipped. “I’m by the car. Don’t keep me waiting.” Then she hung up. 

They didn’t keep her waiting. Chim could see May in Athena’s car, waiting off to the side. “May’s taking Chim home.” Athena’s tone brooked no argument. 

Chim didn’t even pause. He climbed into the passenger seat, buckling his seat belt as May turned on a playlist. Her song choice couldn’t be ironic, Chim thought as Bebe Rhexa’s FFF echoed around the car. 

“Fuck fake friends, we don't need 'em / Only thing they're good for is leaving / Fuck fake friends, we don't need 'em / I've had it up to the ceiling…”

She didn’t even wave to Bobby, choosing not to look at her stepdad as she pulled out of the garage. It was as she kept driving that Chim realized he was driving with May, Athena’s kid, the daughter of the woman who could make criminals cry, and he wondered idly if he should have walked home. 

As May’s angry song playlist skipped around, Chim tried to keep from drawing any attention to himself, but he wasn’t successful. After about fifteen minutes they hit traffic and May turned the music off but didn’t look at him. 

“He’s my brother too you know. I never would have finished my college apps without him and you all treat him like he’s an idiot.” May’s tone was icy. “You’re all idiots.”

Chim opened his mouth, but he had no idea how to respond to any of that. 

“And before you get it into your head that this,” she gestured at both of them, referencing the anger and tension Chim figured, “is his fault, I heard it from Chris, not him.”

Chim closed his mouth. 

“You better come up with something better than silence when you apologize. Heck knows he’ll forgive all of you too quickly regardless,” muttered May, then she switched her music back on and they didn’t talk for the rest of the ride. 

Meanwhile, Bobby stood in front of his wife who looked furious, her eyes flashed like chips of ice. 

“Get in the car.” 

He did. 

So, did she. But Athena didn’t start the car yet. She was rubbing her wedding ring, looking for reassurance or strength, Bobby wasn’t sure. 

“Do you remember what you told me about him? When we started dating?” Athena’s tone was softer, for a moment.

“Athena, I didn’t realize…”

Athena’s eyes snapped to his, and the ice was back. 

“You told me he was like a son to you, Robert. Like. A. Son.”

Bobby shrank back from her ferocity.

“You tried to tiptoe around it and then you came clean with it. He was part of you, in a way that none of the others are, and now…” Athena took a deep breath, trying to keep her anger somewhat tethered, “I called Maddie. Then I came here. I got his address from the landlord.”

“I want to make this right, Athena.”

Athena’s lips thinned as she assessed her husband, who tried not to shrink under her gaze.

“You don’t deserve him.” 

Bobby nodded in agreement.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie, Danny, Steve, and Buck eat breakfast. They also cry and laugh. 
> 
> *I'm taking definite liberties with Steve's power within the SEALs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these characters or franchises.

Maddie didn’t want to cry yet. It wasn’t even six in the morning, but she hadn’t been able to keep herself away any longer. Before she’d fallen into her fitful sleep the night before she’d gotten Buck’s new address from Danny and when she’d woken up she’d been such a jumble of nerves she couldn’t eat. 

A light tap on her passenger door window made her eyes focus again, and she felt tears prick at her eyes as she saw Buck in the early morning light. Swallowing down her desire to sob at the concern on his face she pushed open her door and, shutting it behind her, quickly made her way over to him. She paused for just a moment before he nodded subtly, then she threw her arms around him, clutching at him as if she expected him to disappear. 

Buck brought his arms up around her, tentative but loving all the same.

She was safe here, with him, and Maddie wanted Buck to know he was safe with her too.

“Did you eat this morning, Mads?”

She shook her head, clutching at him tightly, not willing to let him go just yet.

“Let’s go inside, huh?”

But they stayed standing in Buck’s driveway, hugging, for another minute at least before she let him go. 

As she slipped off her shoes in the entryway, Maddie let out a low whistle. “It’s beautiful, Buck.” She whispered, unsure if Steve and Danny were still around. 

“That was my reaction too,” Danny told her as he walked downstairs, hair wet from a shower and one of Steve’s old SEALs shirts on. Buck caught sight of the shirt and smirked, a reaction Danny didn’t miss.

“Shove it, Buckley.”

“I didn’t say a word, Williams.” Buck put up his hands, but he caught Steve’s eye as the man made his way down the stairs too, a content look on his face. Buck winked at him, which caused Danny to huff and laugh, while Steve just grinned. 

“Maddie, this is Detective Danny Williams and Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett,” Buck introduced the two men officially before Maddie could feel left out “I figure you didn’t really have a chance to chat yesterday.”

“Not much, no, but I’m happy to meet you both, officially.” Maddie shook their hands, and as Buck turned to guide her into the kitchen, she caught a glance and nod pass between Steve and Danny. She hoped that meant she passed their muster.  
“No one calls him Commander anymore though, so feel free to call him Steve and I’m good with Danny,” Danny told her as they followed the siblings into the kitchen.

“Feel free to call me Maddie, no one uses my full name anymore.”

She took a seat at the kitchen island, looking around at her brother’s kitchen. 

Buck watched her, shoulders hunched a bit, waiting for something other than a compliment to fall from Maddie’s lips, but as her eyes took in everything she couldn’t help herself from breaking into a smile. “This place is worthy of you.” She didn’t realize she’d said it out loud until she heard Buck’s quiet gasp at her words, probably from shock. She decided not to draw attention to it, instead Maddie knocked a fist lightly against the beautifully cool and smooth countertop “But it’s sorely lacking a sense of you, little bro. We’ve got to fix that.”

“Yeah, it’s something I want to work on.”

“Can I tag along when you start to decorate?”

“Of course, Mads.”

Steve cleared his throat, breaking the moment and earning himself a smack on the chest from Danny. 

“What?” Steve asked his partner, who rolled his eyes, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like “Animal.”

“So, food first, then we can talk, okay?” Buck turned away from his sister to grab some stuff from the fridge as Danny came over to sit with Maddie, offering her some coffee, which she took gratefully. 

“Can I help?” Maddie asked, although her knowledge of cooking was limited. 

“He’s got it,” Steve told her, coming over to sit with them too. 

“What is this, the Food Network?” Buck asked as he turned around to prep his ingredients on the island.

“Better than Buzzfeed,” Danny quipped and Buck’s lips quirked up subtly. 

“Alright then,” he muttered, he starting to chop up vegetables and the silence in the kitchen wasn’t uncomfortable although it wasn’t exactly easy for Maddie. 

“What’re you making?” Maddie needed to hear Buck’s voice. It had been so long since they’d talked properly. 

“Shakshouka,” Buck replied.

“Bless you,” Danny said, and Buck rolled his eyes at the detective. 

Steve, however, had put down his coffee, suddenly watching Buck more carefully than he had been moments ago, “I had it when I was in Libya and loved it. Pretty much the only thing about that… trip that was good.”

“I didn’t know you’d travelled to North Africa,” Maddie stated, leaving it up to Buck on how to proceed. 

Buck sighed, but he didn’t sound pained or distressed. As he turned his back to start simmering some of the vegetables on the stove Buck began to talk. 

“Steve was my CO when I went through for Navy SEAL training. He had my back even when I left, so in return I always had his back.”

“Have,” Steve interjected quietly as he watched Buck stir garlic, onions, and bell peppers, “You still have my back, Buck.” Some of the tension in Buck’s back eased at those words. 

“So, even though I wasn’t a SEAL I had a skill set and a mindset that could be useful. We worked out an agreement, well, Steve did.” Buck turned back then, having set the veggies to simmer on low. “What I’m telling you Maddie, cannot leave this room.”

“You have my word, Buck.”

Her brother nodded, taking her words at face value. He rolled his shoulders as he got eggs, spices, and tomatoes out. 

Surprisingly, though it wasn’t Buck who continued talking, but Steve. 

“He may not be a SEAL in name, but he’s taken an oath as an elite member of my former team. I brought him in and he worked with us all over the world. You’ve probably figured out by now that our boy here is quite accomplished at bucking tradition,” Steve shot Buck a wink at the pun. 

“Are you active now?” Maddie asked, unsure of how to react. 

Buck rolled his shoulders again and bit his lip, trying to figure out how to answer. 

“I could be, if I wanted to, but when I came here, I… I didn’t leave it behind. You can’t, not really, but I started something new.” He kept his eyes trained on his mixing bowl and then turned back to the stove. As he watched the mixture cook he looked at his sister “I’m not getting deployed or anything, Mads, but if Steve needed me, I’d go back into it.”

“So, Libya, was a mission?” Maddie’s voice was quiet.

“A bad one.” Buck replied, tone also quiet. “But before it all went to hell, we had a mean meal of Shakshouka and afterward, when we came back with less people than we'd started with we recovered for a few days near a village where an ancient woman taught me to make it. It’s a family dish for me, Mads.”

His eyes moved back to the tomatoes, creating indentations for the eggs to go in and cracked them expertly. Then he covered the skillet to find his sister’s eyes tear-filled. 

“Shit, Mads, I’m…”

Maddie got up, not bothering to shush him, she just darted over to hug him again. 

“Don’t be sorry for being real with me. Please, don’t ever be sorry about being vulnerable, please Buck.” She whispered these words into his chest as he held her, his embrace warm and comforting. She was safe and with her family now. 

She sniffed then pulled away, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. She turned to Steve and pointed “You, you kept him safe?”

“To be honest, he saved me more often than not” Steve replied, trying to shrug off the attention but Maddie wasn’t having it. 

“Thank you, for keeping our brother alive.”

She hadn’t meant to say it that way, with the our, but she knew it was true. Even though the facts she knew about Steve could fit in her right palm, she knew he could be trusted with Buck’s life and that he’d come all this way to protect Buck indicated a fierce love she could understand. 

Steve closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them. Danny’s hand in his grounded him as he nodded gratefully at Maddie, a lone tear escaping his own eye. But he didn’t brush it away; it was proof that he could and did feel. 

Buck let out a quiet breath and then sniffed, turning back to the stove. 

“God Mads, you couldn’t let us eat without crying?”

And Maddie laughed, then Danny joined her until all four of them were laughing, crying, or both. 

It was a good sound.

It sounded good in Buck’s kitchen, like it belonged there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Try new recipes, friends.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Maddie talk.
> 
> Athena knows about the Five-0. Eddie knows of Steve's exploits as a SEAL.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these franchises or characters. 
> 
> DO NOT REPOST TO ANOTHER SITE.

“So, not to push, but aren’t tattoos a SEAL thing?” Maddie asked as she settled on Buck’s back deck as the morning sun began to really make its presence known. 

“Umm, yeah.”

“Do you have one?”

Buck nodded.

“Where is it?”

“I keep it covered…”

“But at work?”

“I use a heavy-duty foundation. I don’t talk about my service and the tattoo would prompt too many questions.”

“So, no one but me, Steve, and Danny know?”

“There’s a guy or two from various missions, but next to them you’re the only ones left alive,” murmured Buck quietly. 

Maddie sucked in a sharp breath. 

“I’ve lost a lot of people, Mads.”

Maddie reached over to grasp his hand.

“I’m not going to leave you, Buck, not again.”

He squeezed her hand in thanks.

“What do you want to know, Mads?”

“Why don’t we start with why you didn’t go to Duke?”

Buck let out a hollow laugh.

“That or how you got that scar?” She ghosted a finger from her other hand over the side of Buck’s face. 

Another hollow laugh.

“Luckily for you Maddie, they’re the same story.”

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 

By eight o’clock in the morning Karen had sent Hen to go mope with Chim, because Denny wasn’t happy with her. It was making preparing for the coming week difficult. Luckily, May offered to pick up Denny to bring him over to her house. Apparently, Carla was bringing Chris over too. They were having a meeting of the Buck Buckley Defense Squad, or that’s what Carla told Karen, who, after hearing Hen fall apart after coming home the night before over Buck’s situation, agrees that something needs to be done to support that man. 

As the kids from the station arrive at Athena’s just after nine in the morning, May takes them out back to play and talk, happy to watch Denny, Harry, and Chris play together as she makes notes on her laptop on ways to help the team grovel properly to Buck. No one said she wasn’t allowed to get involved and she knew Buck would probably forgive them more easily than he should, so it wouldn’t hurt for them to go through at least a few of her suggestions. 

Athena and Bobby had slept apart the night before, Bobby having tossed and turned all night in the guest room and awoken at four in the morning unable to go back to sleep. He hadn’t yet ventured out of the room yet, though he could hear the kids in the backyard, and he had heard Athena walk by the room at least twice. Once to go down for coffee, then to go back upstairs to get changed and ready for the day. 

He flipped his phone on, unsurprised to have texts from Hen, Chim, and Eddie. Nothing from Maddie or Buck on his phone though. He supposed he shouldn’t have even hoped. Any sleep he had gotten last night had been quickly interrupted by images of Buck flinching away from him, whimpering in fear, and suddenly, Bobby couldn’t lie in bed anymore. He launched himself up and grabbing some clothes took a quick, icy shower, then padded downstairs, prepared for a frosty reception. 

“Did you sleep at all?”

Bobby was surprised by Athena’s question, and even more surprised that he contemplated lying to her for a moment, but then he flicked that thought away and shook his head. 

“Not really.”

Athena placed a mug of steaming coffee in front of him and he tilted his head at her in confusion. The gesture was so Buck-like that it hurt Athena’s heart. The two of them were so alike sometimes.

“I’m still furious with you, Robert Nash.” 

Bobby hung his head, shamefaced, nodding, knowing he deserved it. 

“But I’m not about to let you wallow in guilt and self-pity forever, unless your aim is to actually drive Buck out of the 118.”

Bobby’s head whipped up so fast, his eyes wide, that Athena was surprised he didn’t give himself whiplash. 

“He fought so hard to come back to you, Bobby.”

“I know.” He couldn’t drink the coffee, but holding it helped warm up his hands, if nothing else. 

“I want to talk about yesterday, with everyone,” his eyes went wide with hope, but then they dimmed as Athena continued, “Obviously, except Maddie and Buck.”

Bobby nodded. He knew now that Athena was involved she’d want answers. 

“We’re heading over to Chim’s for 10, since you’re all off today.”

They drove to Chim’s together, a thick silence weighing on them in the car. 

It wasn’t until they were all sitting in Chim’s living room, Athena looking equally unimpressed at all of them that Bobby found his voice, “Athena,” she looked at him, waiting for him to continue, “The two guys Buck left with yesterday, I just want to make sure he’ll be safe with them. Can you, can you check them out?”

“What were their names?”

“Steve… he was the big guy, didn’t give a last name, but he served. Ummm… and a detective. He said his name was Danny, Danny Williams.”

Athena froze. Maddie had filled her in on the isolation, the contempt of the team, but this, this felt like it was coming out of left field. 

She leaned toward Bobby. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Detective Danny Williams and a Steve?”

The alarm in Athena’s face set off warning bells in Bobby’s brain.

“Athena, who are they?” Hen’s voice was panicked.

Eddie looked like he was about to throw up.

But instead of answering any of them she picked up her phone and dialled Maddie. Except, Maddie didn’t pick up. She’d left her phone in the kitchen with Danny and Steve when she’d gone out to talk to Buck.

“Didn’t Maddie mention an Athena Grant?” Danny asked his partner as he glanced at the phone.

“Yeah, his captain’s wife,” Steve replied, then his hand darted out and he grabbed the phone, answering it casually, “Maddie Buckley’s phone, what can I do for you Sergeant Grant?”

“Who is this?” Athena’s tone was tense, and Bobby was both worried and confused. Chim gestured wildly for it to go on speaker and Athena paused, then complied. 

“Steve McGarrett, Sergeant. Again, how may I help you?” 

“Steve!” Danny’s voice was sharp in the background, his face unimpressed. 

“Like the McGarrett who runs the Hawaii Five-0 unit?”

Chim and Hen looked nonplussed, but Eddie looked like he was slowly piecing something together. 

“That’d be me, ma’am.”

“How do you know my Buck?”

“Pretty sure he was mine first,” Eddie found himself growling low, like a goddamn animal. Hen smacked him upside the head, but she could admit that she too was a bit pissed at someone else acting so possessive over Buck. He was supposed to be their Buck, not anyone else’s. 

“Got me on speaker, Sarge? You got the whole crew assembled for a talking to? Wish I could be there.”

“Steven, hang up.”  
“Detective Williams?”

A brief scuffle then they heard the sound echo a bit more, figuring they’d been put on speaker too.

“What do you need, Sergeant?”

“Now who’s being rude?” rumbled Steve with a grin.

“I know you two by reputation, so I hope you’ll tell me straight, what do you want with Buck?” Athena’s tension was setting the who room on edge.

“I’m flattered, Grant. Like I said, Buck’s one of mine, from way back. He’s in good hands.”

“He was… like you?”

Athena’s tone went from concerned to confused in a moment.

“One of my best. I won’t let any more harm come to my pup, not while I’m here to prevent it.”

“Sergeant Grant, I know Steve’s reputation is insane,” Danny’s voice came over the line as Steve spluttered in background, “but he won’t put Buck in any danger. You have my word.”

“Okay, but…”

“We’ve got to cut this short, but thanks for the chat, Sarge.”

Steve hung up on Athena stunning her. 

“ ‘Thena, what the hell?” Hen started when Eddie butted in with “Was that really Steve McGarrett?”

“Sounded like it,” Athena murmured, settling back into the couch in what seemed like shock. 

“But how?” Eddie asked, worry and confusing colouring his query, “He said Buck was one of his, but Buck he, he didn’t serve…”

“Would someone please clue us in on what’s going on?” That was Chim.

Eddie was the one who spoke first, “Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett captained an elite SEALs team; he’s a legend,” he paused, “His team they were legendary. Terrifying. Efficient. Fatal. No way Buck could have ever been involved with him.” He said the last part more to himself than the team.”

“And now he heads up a taskforce in Hawaii, sanctioned by the Governor,” Athena continued, “And he’s laying claim to Buck.”

Bobby cleared his throat. Athena looked at him pointedly. 

“Buck told me once he did SEAL training… but he left.”

“People like Steve McGarrett do not fly across state lines for people that have nothing to offer them.” Athena’s voice was firm. “Or for people who wouldn’t be useful to them. For better or worse, he knows Buck and Buck is trusting him over you, not unfairly, I might add. But if your recent stupidity gets Buck hurt, because God knows McGarrett has a reputation for trouble and terror in equal measure, I will let that man take care of all of you himself,” she gritted her teeth “and then I’ll take care of him.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit more Buck backstory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these franchises or these characters.
> 
> No beta; we die like men.

Maddie was tucked under Buck’s arm, nestled close to her brother, needing to reassure herself that he was here. He was here. He was alive. He was away from the monster genetics deemed their father. “Is he still…?”

“He’s dead.” Buck’s voice was flat in a way that unsettled Maddie greatly, but then it cracked a bit as he attempted a joke, “I didn’t kill him.” His voice sobered again “He drove drunk. Wrapped himself around a pole about three months after I started at the 118. No other casualties.”

“Small mercies,” murmured Maddie.

“I went back and had him cremated, scattered his ashes over the train tracks, the wrong side, of course.” 

“What’d you tell Bobby?”

“Nothing. I switched shifts with someone to swing two days off. It was enough.”

“So, they don’t know anything?”

“No. I don’t need their sympathy or their pity, Maddie. They hardly see me as a functioning human now; I can’t imagine what they would think about this,” he rubbed a hand over the scar over his eye, a nervous tick he’d started indulging in again recently. Maddie reached up to smooth a hand over his eye. He leaned into her hand tentatively, as if he expected the comfort to be snatched away. “Anything else you want to know right now?”

“Can I see your SEAL tattoo?”

Buck huffed out a chuckle. “It’s a bit weird that you’re so fixated on it, Maddie.”

“It’s part of you, like your scar, part of you that I’ve never seen. Please?”

Buck sighed, but gently moved her, so that he could pull up the left side of his shirt. He hadn’t bothered covering it up that morning and he’d be lying if he’d said it didn’t make him happy to see it out in the sunlight. “It’s not exactly a traditional SEAL tattoo, seeing as I’m not a SEAL and all, but I had it designed specially,” he paused, “well, I let someone else design it and do it.”

“Seriously? You trusted someone else with planning a tattoo for your body?” Maddie hadn’t looked at it yet, eyes still on his. He nodded, feeling tears prick at his eyes as he thought about it. After breakfast he’d kept it together, but this tattoo and the man who’d inked it into his skin had always had that affect on him.

Maddie noticed the tears gathering in Buck’s eyes but chose to give him a moment rather than push. Her eyes travelled down to see an anchor, with a trident crossing it, and “Are those sunflowers?” she whispered, somehow knowing that this tattoo was another piece of the puzzle that was her brother’s past. She put out a hand hesitantly and traced the stems of the bright yellow flowers wrapped around the anchor and the trident. Buck nodded, clearing his throat “He said,” he took a deep breath, “He said they represent loyalty and adoration.”

Maddie didn’t ask who Buck was talking about, instead she waited, patiently. 

“His name was Nathan, Nate Morgan.”

“He designed it?”

“He tattooed it too.”

“Who was he to you?”

Buck hadn’t thought about Nate actively in awhile, at least not while he was awake. It felt strange to talk about him, not to him, especially without the hush of the cemetery around him. 

“We were engaged.”

Maddie was shocked. She couldn’t hide it. 

“Shocked?” Buck’s voice was quiet, “You don’t have to hide it, Mads. I know what you’ve probably heard about what I was like when I got to the 118.”

“Buck…”

He didn’t acknowledge her attempt to interrupt his thoughts though. He suddenly found that he needed to get this out.   
“That mission in Libya? He died in my arms, Maddie. And I then I learned to make fuckin’ eggs and tomatoes.” Buck felt himself start to shake, tears streaming down his face although he couldn’t say when they’d started to fall. Steve’s surprise at Buck’s choice of breakfast made more sense now. 

“Steve and I spent six months in South America breaking up an underground fighting ring after that. I wanted to be reckless. Hell, I thought I wanted to die,” Maddie wanted to hug him, but instead she reached for his shaking hands, wrapping them in hers, holding them steady. She didn’t try to interrupt. 

She had no words to offer him.

“They gave me a flag at the funeral. Steve fought for them to give it to me, because Nate didn’t have any family. Don’t ask don’t tell was still in effect, but our crew didn’t give a damn.” He shook his head, tilting it up into the sunlight, tears still falling. 

“I just… I wanted to feel again. The fighting didn’t do it, so I slept around. I let people use the only useful part of me because my heart sure didn’t feel like it’d ever be the same. I just wanted to feel again.”

“You loved him.” Maddie didn’t phrase it like a question.

“I loved him.” Buck replied, voice steady despite his tears, “We were going to get married near Hershey actually… there was a rather entertaining confrontation between me and our dearly departed father.”

“Yeah?” 

“Steve tells it best,” Buck told her, tears starting to wane.

“You’re wrong you know,” Buck looked down at Maddie, confusion creasing his forehead, “Your heart, your mind, your compassion, those are the most useful and important parts of you, little bro. And you didn’t deserve to be used like that.”

Buck opened his mouth, but Maddie quirked an eyebrow at him, or at least tried to, and he closed his mouth. 

“I’ll get you to see that soon,” she held up a pinky, “Pinky promise.”

They interlocked their fingers and Buck smiled for the first time in awhile. 

“It’s a beautiful tattoo, Buck.”

“He was a beautiful soul.” 

“Sap,” Maddie murmured, curling into her brother’s side again.

“Yeah, I am.”

“I love you, Buck.”

“Love you too, Maddie.”

They sat for another moment, then Buck opened his mouth again, except Maddie beat him to it. 

“They won’t hear it from me. It’s your choice, Buck. I’ll be here for you, no matter what.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danny and Steve are precious okay. 
> 
> Maddie loves sweets.
> 
> Buck is Buck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these characters or franchises.

Danny and Steve were supposedly watching television, but really they just had it on low, so they could talk if they wanted to. And Danny had a few questions, but he didn’t know how to phrase them or where to start. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Steve murmured, running a soothing hand over Danny’s back, pulling him in to lean back against him. 

“Is that all my thoughts are worth to you, Steven?”

“Well, I’m not exactly at Buck’s level of financial security, but I’d be willing to go a bit higher, if it got you to talk to me.”

Danny’s lips twitched into a smirk. 

“You said yourself, Buck wasn’t made for life in the SEALs, so how’d you get him onto a team?”

Steve chuckled. 

“It was a team effort. The team I ran with Buck on it, it wasn’t just a military operation, but they put me in charge on the off chance I could control some very talented and dangerous people. Buck among them.” Steve sounded a bit proud of that, which made Danny roll his eyes. “There were missions made for SEALs and then, there were missions for us. We operated outside a lot of the military restrictions, although a few of us were military. I was the only SEAL, but we had a pilot, a damn good one too, Nate. He and Buck…” Steve swallowed down a lump in his throat, tightening his grip on Danny, who turned a bit in Steve’s arms to look at his boyfriend. 

“They were together? Even then?”

Steve nodded, that lump still in his throat. 

“DADT didn’t…”

“Like I said, outside of military protocols, for the most part. They did have funeral jurisdiction though.”

“And, Nate, what happened?”

“He died,” Steve’s voice turned quiet, “I thought it was going to kill, Buck.”

“They were that serious…?” The second he asked the question, Danny felt like an idiot. He’d known Buck for only a few days and he already knew the kid loved fiercely. 

“They were getting married, or at least committing themselves to each other in a public ceremony, everyone else be damned,” Steve tangled one of his hands with Danny’s, “Something I’d like, eventually.”

Danny forced himself not to tense up in shock. 

He let the words enter his mind. He processed them, slowly, keeping their fingers intertwined. 

“I’m not opposed to forever with you,” Danny replied, sitting up enough to press a soft kiss to Steve’s cheek. 

Steve looked a bit surprised, and honestly, Danny was too. He never thought he’d remarry, but forever with Steve, bound by marriage sounded right to him. The idea settled in his heart and soul, taking root there so that it could grow, eventually. 

Steve’s smile was soft as was Danny’s. They sat in the quiet for a moment, reveling in their revelations, until Danny shuffled down, back into Steve’s embrace. 

“Nate was a pilot, but the day he passed, he was on the ground. He saved me and Buck; he gave his life for ours.” Steve’s voice was weighed down by sadness, although Danny’s weight against him helped to ground him. “I took Buck on a deep undercover mission a few weeks later. I shouldn’t have, but I didn’t want to let him out of my sight.”

“Where were you?”

“South America. He bartended by day and by night, we foiled an underground fighting ring. It’s one of the reasons why Diaz’s street fighting panicked Buck so much; he knows what it’s like in the ring. He hated it, but he needed it too, or so I told myself.”

“You did what you thought was best, babe. Even if it was a bit screwed up, I won’t pretend to understand the way your minds work.”

“Probably for the best, Danno.”

“Do you think they know?”

“The 118?” Steve scoffed, “They probably think he’s straight, not bi.”

“Seriously? That boy gives off vibes, Steve.”

“It sounds like when he got to LA he spent a lot of time looking for meaning in the wrong places. I’m pretty sure they think he’s some kind of reformed fuck boy.”

“Do you even know what that means, Steve?”

“Let me have my lingo, Danny,” Steve ruffled Danny’s hair a bit, “He got close to someone here, Abby, her name was, but that ended horribly. She left him. He’ll rationalize all of it to you if you ask him about it though.”

“She’d lost her mom, Steve,” Buck’s voice was steady as he wandered into the living room, having caught the tail end of Steve’s words. “She needed to find herself a bit. I just thought she was coming back…”

Maddie hummed in the doorway, not happy with Buck’s assessment of the end of his relationship with Abby, but she held her tongue for the moment. 

“Everything okay?” Steve asked, avoiding picking aa fight with Buck. They’d have time to talk later. 

Buck nodded, although his reddened eyes and puffy skin signalled that he’d been crying, Steve could see that he also held less tension in his shoulders than he had that morning. 

“I was wondering if you two wanted to see some of the city, although I might skip out on the pier,” he ducked his head a bit. 

“I was hoping for more inland stuff honestly,” Danny told the young man “You sure we won’t cramp your style, kid?”

“Steve maybe,” Buck actually laughed out loud as Steve launched a pillow at him, but he caught it with ease. 

“Well, I was thinking the LA Zoo and Gardens? You’ve got a daughter right, Danny? Grace? She’s coming up on college, right?” Danny nodded, not in the least bit surprised that Buck knew this information. “A college girl can never have too many hoodies.”

“You know what, Buckaroo? I think you’re right,” Danny sat up, pulling Steve with him “Plus, it’ll do this one good to be around his fellow animals.”

“Rude,” Steve replied, but a smile was on his face, nonetheless. 

“Want to come, Maddie?”

She did, but she also wanted to give her brother some time with his friends. Her phone chose that moment to ring and seeing Athena’s name, she turned to her brother, ready with an apology on her lips, but he only waved away the sorry before it could cross her lips. 

“Rain check on the touristy stuff, got it.”

“I just want to check in with Athena.”

Buck’s smile dimmed a bit. He took in a deep breath then let it out. 

“Maddie, everything I’ve told you, I trust you with. If you need it to explain something, do it.”

“Buck, I…”

“Trust me.”

She nodded. 

“They don’t deserve it. Your story.”

Buck shook his head at her. He then pulled her in for a parting hug. 

“There are butter tarts in the cupboard, if you want to take some home.”

Maddie raised her eyebrows at him.

“I missed you. I make them when I miss you.”

Fuck. Maddie wanted to cry. But they’d done enough of that today, so instead she pulled him in for a hug and then dashed off to claim her treats. Buck’s laughter rang out after her and it echoed in her head as she drove off to join Athena at Chim’s place. 

Maddie was on a mission.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck has a good day at the zoo. 
> 
> Maddie tells the 118 some of the horrors from Buck's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these franchises/characters/or lyrics.

Around noon, Chris and Carla wished everyone goodbye at the Grant-Nash household and set off for an extra-special surprise, or at least that’s what Carla was calling it. When they pulled up outside of the Los Angeles zoo Chris’s face lit up, although his smile dimmed a bit as he remembered wanting to come here with Buck. 

Carla ruffled his hair a bit, as if she knew exactly what he was thinking about. 

“He’d want you to have a good time, Chris.”

Chris nodded. He knew Carla was being honest with him, still he wished he was here with “Buck!”

Suddenly, Chris dashed off from Carla’s side, toward “Lord,” Carla smiled as she watched Buck turn and seeing Chris, broke into a smile that was brighter than lights on Broadway. He quickly made his way over to Chris, navigating the crowd more easily and swept the boy up in hug. “Sometimes the universe isn’t against you, I guess, Buckley,” Carla murmured as she held up a hand to wave at Buck, who had been scanning the crowd for an adult with Chris. He beckoned her over, as if she wasn’t already on her way over. 

As she neared Buck, she saw two other men with him, one tall with dark hair, the other one shorter, with blond hair. When she reached them, she could hear what Buck was saying to Chris. “Buddy, you know you can’t just dart off when you’re with someone,” Buck’s tone wasn’t disapproving or disappointed, just firm, trying to get Chris to understand him.

Chris nodded, “But Buck…”

“No buts, superman. We can’t keep you safe if you’re not near us, okay?”

“I understand.”

Buck smiled at him, pressing a kiss to the kid’s cheek, a moment which Danny subtly snapped a photo of. 

“I want a copy of that,” Carla said, putting out her hand, “Carla, and you are?”

“Danny, Danny Williams. I can send it to you.” He passed Carla his phone for her number, “This is my partner, Steve McGarrett. We’re Buck’s friends.”

“He needs good ones.”

“That he does.”

“Are you three hens done gossiping about me?”

“They’re people, not hens!” Chris giggled.

“Figure of speech, buddy.”

“Want some company on your zoo adventure?” Carla offered, Chris hadn’t left Buck’s arms yet and she wasn’t going to be the one to separate them. 

“Please?”

“Anything for you, superman.” 

“You’re Steve and Danny!” Chris exclaimed as they set off down the main path.

“We are, pleasure to meet you, buddy. Buck’s told us all about you,” Danny found Chris sweet and seeing him and Buck interact made him think of Steve and Grace. His hand found Steve’s and he smiled at his partner who also seemed smitten with Chris. 

“Buck says you’re helping him feel better.”

“That’s what family is for,” Steve told Chris, stopping beside the kid when he did. 

“Good. My Buck deserves that.”

Buck was a moment behind with Carla and while he hadn’t heard Chris’s comment, but as he came up to Steve, Danny, and Chris he smiled again. 

“Want to climb up, superman?”

Chris nodded emphatically and Buck swung him up onto his shoulders, keeping Chris secure with his hands. 

“They’re adorable,” Steve muttered, “And I don’t say that often.”

“Or ever,” Danny quipped.

Carla had her phone up this time. 

“I think this’ll be a good day.”

“I hope so,” Carla told them, “So, how do you know my Buck?”

“Well, first off, he was mine long before he was yours,” Steve started to explain, Danny laughing at the expression on Carla’s face as Steve claimed Buck, her eyes running him up and down, judging him.

“Not in the way you’re thinking, Carla, I assure you,” Danny told her. 

“Hmm. My boy’s got a thing for military types, so you never know.”

“My heart belongs to Danny,” Steve said it so casually that it took Danny’s breath away, “Buck’s like the kid brother I never knew I wanted.”

“Tell me more,” Carla prompted as they trailed after Buck and Chris, giving the two their space. 

By the time it was two o’clock, they stopped for lemonade and to rest a bit. Chris had gotten down from Buck’s shoulders at one point and they’d walked side by side instead, looking at all of the animals, Buck pulling out different facts as they moved from enclosure to enclosure. Steve noticed him slip in a few stories about the animals, especially ones Buck was personally familiar with, like the Pudu and the Sumatran tiger. He’d seen both on missions, but he was keeping any gory details out of his facts.

Steve shook his head, thinking that Buck was such a dad. 

“He’s such a dad,” Danny said, pushing a lemonade over to Steve who thanked him with a smile. 

“I was thinking the same thing.”

“He’s like you and Grace.”

“That’s a compliment, Danny. Did you know you were giving me one just there?”

Danny shook his head, smiling. 

There was music playing in the open-air courtyard where they were sitting and as they sipped their drinks, chatting about the different exhibits and animals, a song came on that made Chris clap his hands. 

“It’s your song!” He turned to Buck, who looked surprised that Chris had noticed his love for this particular song. “You have to dance, Bucky!”

Buck opened his mouth, but he couldn’t deny Chris anything. 

Instead, he turned to Carla, extending her a hand, “Care to join me?”

Carla laughed and grinned, accepting his hand. 

“What is this?” Steve asked Danny.

“The Fighter, by Keith Urban and Carrie Underwood,” Danny replied, having whipped out his phone to figure out the song. 

Danny picked up Carla’s phone, turning on the camera as the lyrics started to play.

They both looked up to watched Buck twirl Carla as they danced. Chris clapping his hands in delight and then suddenly, Buck dipped Carla. She let out a laugh and shriek, after righting her he led her back over to the bench and scooped up Chris as the chorus hit for a second time. 

“What if I fall (I won't let you fall)  
What if I cry (I'll never make you cry)  
And if I get scared (I'll hold you tighter)  
When they're tryna get to you baby I'll be the fighter  
What if I fall (I won't let you fall)  
What if I cry I promise I'll never make you cry  
And if I get scared (I'll hold you tighter)  
When they're tryna get to you baby I'll be the fighter”

Chris and Buck looked like they were having the time of their lives as they spun around. As the song ended, Chris wrapped his arms around Buck’s neck and the two of them stood, in their own little bubble, for a moment longer. 

Danny returned Carla’s phone to her and after another glance at Buck and Chris, she sent the video off in response to a text message she’d received a few minutes ago ‘How’s Chris?’

“Just fine,” Carla murmured, smiling, “Just fine.”

9-1-1 9-1-1 9-1-1 9-1-1

Maddie rapped sharply on Chim’s apartment door. 

Athena answered. Maddie could acknowledge that her boyfriend had some intelligence after all. 

“Athena.” She greeted the other woman, voice not giving anything away. 

“Maddie,” Athena let her in, “How is he?”

“Not great.”

“I had no idea, Maddie.”

Maddie cut her off “Neither did I. That doesn’t excuse this.”

Athena nodded. The other woman’s sharp tone surprising her, but she was learning that stepping to a Buckley might not be a good move. They were stronger than they looked, both of them. 

“Where are they?”

“Living room.”

“Good thing you answered the door.” Maddie took in a deep breath, then let it out. 

“I’m with you in this, Maddie.”

Maddie looked at Athena, her gaze appraising, and then she nodded, once. “Good.” Then she strode off to confront the 118. 

“Wait, there’s something I’m concerned about… these men, the ones who went home with Buck.”

Maddie shook off Athena’s arm. “Steve and Danny. They’re good people.”

“Maddie, I don’t think you know who they are…”

“Maybe you don’t know who they are, Athena.” She walked into the living room, feeling all eyes turn to her and she felt her lips form a thin line. Maddie took an empty chair, facing them, and looked back at them. 

“Maddie, I’m serious,” Athena tried again, “McGarrett’s team in Hawaii is…”

“Legendary, at least according to Danny,” Maddie said, tone steady.

“I know, we’re the last people you think care about Buck right now,” Eddie spoke, voice a bit shaky and he couldn’t meet Maddie’s eyes, but he kept going, needing to say his piece, “McGarrett’s dangerous, Maddie. He said something about Buck,”

“What? When did you talk to Steve?”

“This morning, he picked up your phone,” Athena cut in.

“Course he did. What did he tell you?” She directed the question to Eddie, who could feel her eyes boring into the top of his head, as he kept his face hidden. 

“He said Buck was his, from way back, called him some nickname,” Chim responded, swallowing down his fear and looking at his girlfriend in the eyes. 

“Pup,” Maddie murmured. She and Danny wanted that story soon.

“Yeah, something like that. Then the other guy cut in, saying they wouldn’t put Buck in danger. It cut off a bit after.”

“He’ll keep his word. Buck’s important to him. Buck trusts him. That’s more than I can say for you lot,” she swept her hand out to encompass Hen, Bobby, Eddie, and Chim. 

They all flinched. A small part of Maddie was happy to see their reaction. 

“Maddie, I still there’s cause for concern.”

“I don’t, Athena.”

Athena paused, then nodded. She’d make her case to the older Buckley later. 

“So, where do we start, huh?” Maddie asked the group. She had so many things to say, but a few she had earmarked for this first conversation in particular. “And don’t apologize to me, not yet. I don’t want to hear it. And you don’t deserve to apologize to him, until you come up with something that isn’t half-assed or full of mixed signals.”

She waited. She had all day for them. 

“What did you mean yesterday, when you said he didn’t have a family?”

The question didn’t surprise Maddie, although she was surprised Bobby voiced it. She knew how much Buck had looked up to his captain, but after yesterday, she was in no mood to play nice. 

“I meant what I said.”

“Maddie,” Athena’s voice wasn’t chiding, but concerned. 

Maddie could talk about this. She would do it for Buck. For her brother, who she hadn’t protected. 

“Our father didn’t want children. He never really looked twice at me. He wasn’t anything to me, which was fine. Our mom, she was so good. I don’t know how they fell in together.”

Chim shifted on his seat, tempted to go sit closer to Maddie, but unsure of how she’d take the gesture at the moment. He stayed put for the moment. 

“She died, after I left. Buck isn’t sure what it was, he couldn’t take her to the doctor.”

“But he would’ve only been…”

“Eight, at the time, yeah.”

“She died at home and then things shifted. He’d hated Buck for a long time and without our mother around, his leash on his temper snapped. He didn’t tell me much. He wants to protect me, but I can guarantee you he never met a word that wasn’t harsh, a fist that wasn’t poised to strike, or an allowance of any decency or humanity in that house.”

She looked up then, taking in the tension amongst the members of the 118 and Athena. She eyed Eddie’s shoulders, hunched over and tight, Chim’s face giving away his shock, Hen’s hand was at her mouth in an attempt to stop herself from shouting or sobbing, Maddie wasn’t sure, Athena looked stoic, but Bobby, his horror was stark and obvious. 

“You think that’s bad? That mark, he told y’all it was a birthmark, right? Our father did that. He almost killed Buck that night. Do you want to know why?” Maddie kept speaking. She needed to share this trauma, get it out there. She wanted to shock and devastate them yes, but she also needed people to carry this burden with her. 

“You all make jokes about him being dumb and stupid, but you don’t know that he got into Duke. On a basketball scholarship. He had Princeton, Notre Dame, and Yale knocking at his door. And on the night before he was supposed to leave, our father rematerialize from whatever bender he’d been on and attacked him. When that man finally left him alone, Buck was so injured he had to forgo his offers.”

Maddie’s hands were shaking now. 

Not a word was said in the room. 

So, Maddie kept going. 

“They wanted him even without basketball. A 4.0 will do that, but he… he didn’t want it to happen again. Our father knew now, where he’d been offered spots. Buck didn’t want anyone else to get hurt, so he turned it all down.”

She took a breath.

“When I say he didn’t have a family. I mean it. Our mother was sick for his whole life. He was her damn caregiver for most of it. Our father, with whom he shares a name but nothing else, was a piece of shit. And I left him.”

She levelled a look at Bobby. “Does that answer your question, Captain?”

“Oh, and before you think his acceptances were a fluke, he took an online degree through Brown. He majored in Urban Studies and minored in public health.”

“That’s not on his resume.” Bobby didn’t know why he said it. 

“Of course, it’s not,” Maddie muttered, “He did it for him. Not for anyone else. He was afraid of too much of a paper trail too.”

“He was concerned your father might follow him?” Athena broke in, “I can look into restraining orders if…”

Maddie waved her words away. 

“He’s dead. Evan Buckley Sr. died, about three months after Buck started at the 118. Car accident. He was under the influence. No one else was harmed.”

“He never said a word,” Chim spoke quietly. 

“He took two days. He had the body cremated. Looked after the bastard even though he had every reason not to.” Maddie was angry now. 

“Why didn’t he say something?” Hen’s voice finally made an appearance. 

“He didn’t want sympathy for the passing of the man who made his life hell.” Maddie replied, then she paused, weighing her next words, “He also figured you wouldn’t really believe him capable of any form of depth.”

“That’s why he goes by Buck?” Athena’s question reigned Maddie in a bit. The elder Buckley nodded. 

“He used to go by his middle name now and then, but I’m thinking that’s off the table at the moment.”

“Why?” Eddie looked at Bobby, but the Captain didn’t know Buck’s middle name. It wasn’t mandatory on his firefighter’s everyday paperwork. 

“It’s Robert.”

The noise Bobby made sounded like a strangled sob. But Maddie didn’t feel like being charitable, so she didn't pause, even for a moment. 

“So, tell me, what justifies isolating my brother so much that he has regressed to experiencing childhood nightmares? with all of you rotating through starring roles, I’m sure. What have you done to intimidate him so much that his voice sounded like it hadn’t been used in weeks? Explain to me how his apologies, so constant and unwavering, because I’ve been getting them too, and I overlooked how desperate they’d gotten --- tell me how all of that brings us here and now? How could a group of paramedics not see one of their own wasting away? Tell me, everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *No Charlies Williams in this fic.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chim and Maddie talk. 
> 
> Chris and Eddie talk too.
> 
> Steve gets to be a bit threatening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these franchises or characters.

In halting sentences and glaring silences the 118 slowly told the story of the last few months, wincing and tensing as they did. The reality of their own cruelty hitting them as Athena and Maddie looked on, both in judgment and in empathy. Everyone cried a bit and there were definitely some raised voices, but even through it all, Maddie kept the rest of Buck’s story close to her chest. 

She had meant what she’d told him. They didn’t deserve it. Not yet.

Her eyes landed on Bobby and Eddie most frequently, marking their reactions and pondering whether she’d ever truly forgive them. 

At one point, Chim had come to sit closer to her. He didn’t try to touch her, but she found herself comforted by his presence nonetheless; they would have to talk too, alone.

“He moved,” Chim told the room, “Awhile back from the sounds of it.”

“Does he have somewhere to stay?” Hen’s voice was concerned.

“Yes,” Maddie told them and then Athena broke into the conversation, “And unless he invites you over, you’re to steer clear of his place. Understand? He deserves a safe space.” Reluctantly, they all nodded in agreement, although Athena caught Bobby’s eyes avoiding hers. She’d have to watch him on that one. She knew he wanted nothing more than to wrap Buck up in a hug and never let him go until he believed in himself, but that was what Bobby wanted, not Buck. 

“Is that it?” Maddie asked them, stretching, catching sight of the clock on the wall, which read just a little after three o’clock. 

Eddie’s phone had buzzed an hour ago, he’d checked on Carla and Chris, but after a brief look he’d verified there hadn’t been an emergency, so he hadn’t opened the full message yet. He saw the video and his finger tapped it automatically, completely unprepared for the feelings the video would cause him. 

He saw Buck and Carla. Dancing. Then, Buck and his son. 

They looked so happy together.

“Eddie, you need to let it go, before you break it.” 

Surprisingly, it was Maddie’s voice that reached him. She was crouched in front of him, hand hovering over his own, which was clutching his phone so tightly he might’ve actually damaged it. 

He let it drop even as the song echoed in the room, the lyrics mocking him and everything he wanted with Buck. He’d ruined this. They’d all ruined this. 

None of them had fought for Buck. 

He didn’t feel the itch to fight though, all he wanted was his boys in his arms. 

“How the hell do we fix this, Maddie?”

Eddie’s voice was steadier than it had any right to be.

She had picked up his phone, leaving it and the video, which had looped in plain view of the others.

“You want to make this right? You work at it every day. You listen to him. You value him. And, when its right, you apologize again and again, even after he forgives you,” Maddie pushed herself up off the chair, “This won’t be our last chat.” She turned to Chim, “A word, before I leave?” They headed to the kitchen together. 

Chim stayed quiet, giving Maddie room to sort out her thoughts. 

“I hate this situation. You know what else I hate?” Chim shook his head. “I hate that I still love you, but right now, I don’t like you at all.” Chim nodded, eyes looking down in shame. “I need some space, okay? We’re not over…” The unsaid ‘yet’ hung in the air but Chim accepted it with grace. “I need him to be okay. He needs me.”

“I understand,” Chim whispered.

Maddie nodded at him, though he didn’t see it. She made to leave, then paused, tipping his head up to look at him and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Then she left to go home to her apartment. Buck checked in on her and convinced her to call Josh for a stupid movie marathon with ice cream and laughter. 

9-1-1 9-1-1 9-1-1 9-1-1

That night at home, Eddie quietly thanked Carla for taking Chris out that day. Her eyes held his, unwavering and not altogether warm, but she nodded at him, responding that a day out with her favourite boys was something she’d been missing.

“I know the feeling,” Eddie replied, “Thanks for the reminder of what I’m missing.  
“Anytime you need a smack upside the head, call me, Diaz.”

As he closed the door behind her, he made his way out into the living room, unsure of whether Chris would be there or in his room. Surprisingly, he was on the floor, methodically stacking and unstacking Legos. Eddie paused, unwilling to disrupt his son’s contentment, but this was also his home, so he hovered in the doorway for a moment. 

“Dad?” Chris’s voice was quiet.

“Yeah, mijo?” He came to sit on the edge of the couch, watching Chris play.

“I saw Buck today.”

“I know. Carla sent me a video.”

Chris nodded, seemingly engrossed in his thoughts rather than his Legos. 

“You looked happy, Chris.”

“Buck did too.”

Eddie nodded, unwilling to trust his voice in the moment. 

“Did he do something, to make you mad at him?” 

“No, Chris. The opposite actually. I was mad at him, but it wasn’t about him.”

“Did you think he was going to leave us, like Mom?”

Eddie hadn’t expected psychoanalysis from his kid and sucked in a sharp breath, but he saw little purpose in lying right now. 

“Yeah, I was afraid of losing him.”

“But you lost him first.” Chris’s voice wasn’t accusatory but it was a factual statement that pierced Eddie’s heart.

“I know.”

“He saved me.”

“I know, Chris.”

“Did you know he still has nightmares?” 

Eddie’s brows knit in concern, unsure of what type nightmares Chris could be referring to, as Maddie’s references to their abusive father rose up in his head. Surely, not those. 

“The tsunami was scary, Daddy.”

A wave of relief crashed over him, of course Chris was talking about the tsunami, he wasn’t afraid of Eddie. The man slid off the couch to sit behind his kid who was now just fiddling with a Lego brick; he opened his arms and Chris cuddled up against him without hesitation. 

“Who holds Buck when he has a nightmare, Dad?”

“I don’t know, mijo.”

9-1-1 9-1-1 9-1-1 9-1-1

Hen knew this was a bad idea, but she needed to see with her own two eyes that he was okay. Even after the video message Eddie had received, she’d marked the exhaustion in Buck’s face and the weight he’d lost, evident in the way his shirt didn’t quite fit anymore. She and Bobby had spoken briefly, and while her Captain had initially tried to talk her out of it, she only had to remind him that Buck might be alone. It was wrong, but she just wanted to start making things right, right now. 

She was parked just up the block from Bobby and Athena’s, a little past seven in the evening after having eaten dinner with her wife and son. She’d been quiet but Karen hadn’t commented on it. A tap on her passenger door window had her unlocking the door for Bobby. 

“You okay with going against Athena like this?”

Bobby nodded, jaw tight. Hen reached across to squeeze Bobby’s hand for a moment, but then let go, pulling out of their hiding spot as Athena’s car drove by.

“May’s watching Harry,” Bobby murmured in the silence as Hen followed Athena, “She got the text from Buck after dinner.”

“I hate that he’ll let her see him. But I get it,” Hen muttered, trying to keep Athena in her sights but still stay back far enough she couldn’t be spotted. 

As they drove, Hen couldn’t help but notice that they were entering a less desirable part of LA. Suddenly, Athena pulled up to a building that made Hen wince. “It looks condemned,” Bobby growled under his breath, tearing off his seatbelt, if Buck had been living in a place like this he’d never forgive himself. 

“Bobby!” Hen’s voice was an urgent hiss.  
Bobby didn’t pause though, forgetting their goal of being stealthy, which of course, blew their cover. 

Athena whipped around, as she heard a car door slam and saw her husband. She was pissed. Then she noticed Hen in the driver’s seat. She gestured for Hen to exit the car.

“What the hell are you two doing here?! Tailing me?”

“Well, they tried. It was kind of pitiful though,” a voice from the doorway of the ramshackle building Athena had pulled up in front of spilled out onto the street, and suddenly a man made his appearance. Someone that had all three of them taking a step back.

“McGarrett, right?” Athena tried not to let her voice waver, but this man, was dangerous, she knew that much. In another life, another time, she might have been in awe, but right now, she was focused on protecting herself, and two of her beloved idiots.

“Correct, Sargent.”

“Where’s Buck?” that was Bobby, and Athena could curse him for his single-mindedness sometimes. 

“Well, he doesn’t live here,” Steve responded, waving at the building, “but I figured you would try to find him, so I call in a local favour to his old landlord.”

“But…”

“He texted you,” Steve cut in before Athena could speak, “No, he didn’t. I did, with a new number. I was curious about what you would do. Jury’s still out on you, Grant.”

“Now you listen to me, you son of bitch,” Steve’s casual air melted away as he stepped to Athena, a predatory glint in his eyes. 

“Buck knew what I was doing. He’s a whole lot smarter than any of you give him credit for. I’ve missed it, his mind. It’s got me thinking what an asset he’d be…”

“He’s not a thing,” Hen cut in.

“Isn’t he? Your station’s emotional punching bag? The place you dump everything but never stop to see if he’s already carrying something?”

“Buck wouldn’t leave. He’d never leave Chris and Maddie.”

“I’m glad you realize that you don’t deserve to be in the category of things that would keep him here,” Steve told Bobby, subtly stepping closer to the captain, “Unfortunately, what you deserve and what he wants are two different things.” He stepped back, not completely outside of their space, but it eased some of the fear they’d felt with him that close. “Here’s the message. He’s safe at the moment. He’s coming in to work tomorrow. And he’ll be there the shift after that too.”

Steve’s teeth gritted in frustration, but he had promised Buck he’d tell them what he wanted, word for word. 

“Until I convince him to take a spin in my unit, of course,” Steve’s grin flashed in the setting sun, making him look threatening, “Now, get in your cars and drive home.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pup story is told, kind of.
> 
> Buck's first shift back.
> 
> It's a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: There are mentions of Buck talking about/referencing both suicide and sexual assault in this chapter. Nothing is explicit, but they are both mentioned.

“Are you sure about this, pup?” Steve watched as Buck assembled containers of fruit and veggies for work. 

“As sure as I am about anything, Steve.”

“Buck…”

“Am I going to get answer on pup anytime soon?” Danny interrupted his partner, nudging Steve as he walked past into the main kitchen. 

“It’s nothing crazy,” Buck mumbled, a blush creeping up around his face.

Steve laughed. 

“Okay, it’s making you blush, kid, so somehow I doubt it.”

“Buck broke a few of my records during training,” Steve told Danny, watching Buck keep his back resolutely turned toward the two of them. 

“Okay…” Danny dragged out the y, in confusion. 

“When I cropped up back on Steve’s radar, on his team, well, he was my anchor. We lived out of each other’s pockets; I lived with him when we weren’t on a mission.”

“Still not getting the animal nickname, Buck.”

Steve stood up from where he was sitting to walk over to Buck, leaning against the counter, right in front of the other food Buck was reaching for. “Really, Steve? What are you, ten?” As Buck tried to reach around him Steve blocked him, gently, smiling. 

“Ugh, fine. A baby seal is called a pup,” Buck turned to Danny, his blush darkening.

“Aww, that’s cute,” Danny practically cooed.

“Shut up.” Buck said, but there was no malice in his voice. 

“Seriously, though, adorable,” Steve ruffled Buck’s hair as he moved again. 

“What are you two doing up at freaking midnight anyways?” 

“You’re up, so we’re up,” Danny told him.

“You’re on a weird vacation, man.”

“Honestly, yeah, but I haven’t been shot at yet, so yay me!”

Buck chuckled. 

“You sure you want to go in?” Steve asked again, “You know you have a spot with us if you want it.”

“Steven, leave your baby seal alone.” 

“Thanks Danny,” Buck replied. He packed up the food, ducking his head a bit to hide his smile at Steve’s approving nod at his food prep. It had been awhile since he’d given real thought to what he was eating. He headed out into the entryway. 

“I’m not ready to give up yet, Steve.”

“But Hawaii.”

“Shut up, Steve,” Danny’s voice was loud, not angry, just loud, “Do you need your hearing tested? I will pay for it.”

Buck grinned and started to move to the door to leave. As he grabbed his keys, he paused, cocking his head, like a dog who’d caught a scent. “Steve, how did last night go?”

“Fine.”

“You want to tell me why your shoes are dusty?”

“Ummm… what now?” Danny was obviously confused. 

“What kind of frickin’ dilapidated house did you send Athena to?”

“She’s a cop. She was fine.”  
“Steve.”

“Wasn’t just her, either.”

“I swear to god, Steve, what did you do?”

“I gave them your message. Useful that your captain and co-worker were there too, witnesses you know.”

Buck wasn’t playing this game anymore. He stepped to Steve, inserting himself into the man’s space, not actively threatening but his intention was clear. Steve stopped joking, pulling back a bit. 

“You knew I was going to tell her you were coming in today.”

Buck nodded.

“I might have sent them to a condemned apartment building and told them you have a spot with me if you ever want it.”

Buck took a deep breath. Okay, it wasn’t as bad as he thought it might have been. 

“For what it’s worth, Wilson got pissed when I referred to you as an asset because you’re a person, not a thing.” 

“You are a menace to society. I just didn’t want to call them,” Buck sighed, “Drama queen.” He muttered at Steve then he too stepped back. “I’ll see you later,” he shook his head at Steve and nodded at Danny, “Don’t burn my house down; that’d be embarrassing for a firefighter.”

9-1-1 9-1-1 9-1-1 9-1-1

The station was quiet. Buck was early. He liked it that way. He got changed quickly, briefly mourning his tattoo as he covered it up. It had been nice to wear it proudly, but he wasn’t sure he could handle any questions about it at the moment. Maddie had texted him late last night wishing him good luck. It felt good to have her in his corner. 

No one was in the loft and one of the trucks was out, so he decided to start the coffee and clean up the kitchen a bit. He put on his headphones as he worked, the soft tones of Lewis Capaldi and the domesticity of the tasks soothing his nerves a bit as he waited to see his team for the first time since his public panic attack. Maddie had let him know what she’d told them and in turn, she’d given him the highlights of how the rest of the 118 had talked about everything. He wasn’t really sure where to go from here. 

Part of him wanted to pretend none of it had happened. He just wanted his family back. But there was a part of him that knew there were parts of him the 118 didn’t know and he wondered if they would want the real him, even if he forgave them all today. 

“Forgiveness is for yourself,” he muttered, lips twitching up as he thought of the first time he’d heard Nate pass along that tidbit of wisdom, “You’re right, Nate and I’m not ready yet.” The moment he admitted that to himself, he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. He’d take this shift one step at a time. 

He put the last dish from the sink onto the drying rack, drying his hands with a dish towel and made his way over to the freshly brewed coffee, music still soothing his mind. 

Bobby was early, even earlier than usual. He’d slept apart from Athena again and with the knowledge that Buck would still be coming in today, he found himself with an excess of nervous energy. He could hear the faint sound of feet in the loft, so he knew someone was around, so he got changed and made his way up, the smell of coffee beckoning him forward. 

He didn’t expect to see Buck, pulling down coffee mugs and arranging them almost absentmindedly, except Bobby could spot his system. Hen’s was closest to the milk, Chim’s to the cream, Eddie’s near the sugar, and his own next to Buck’s. Even now, he knew his team so well. He treated them like a team when they hadn’t done the same in months. 

Buck’s back was to him as he grabbed something from the fridge, removing his headphones as he did so. He saw Buck grab a spoon, and scoop out some butter, return the dish to the fridge, then set the spoonful of butter into his coffee. Bobby must have made a noise because Buck, tensed, turned, and moved away from the counter, clutching his coffee cup protectively. Then Bobby watched as Buck seemed to force his body to relax. 

“Is this a new trend?” The moment the words left his mouth Bobby wanted to kick himself. He gets to see Buck, in an empty station and he decides to ask about the kid’s coffee choices. Although, in his defense, it was weird. Buck didn’t look like he knew what to say. “Butter in your coffee?” Again, he could have kicked himself, if that had been physically possible. 

“It’s a team guy thing; it boosts energy and brain function,” Buck rattled the explanation off like it was rote. It was, it was something Steve had taught him and every now and then he indulged in it, because it made him feel like he was back with Steve and Nate, with his team, where he was safe and wanted. 

“Something all of us could use,” Bobby replied, taking a step forward, trying to telegraph his movements to Buck as he approached the counter. Buck made as if to put his coffee down, to go, and Bobby had no doubt he was off to start chores he’d definitely have been already assigned just the other day. 

“Stay,” Buck paused, so Bobby kept talking, “Finish your coffee, Buck. Nothing’s on the go yet.”  
“Not sure that’s a good idea, Cap.”

When had Buck stopped calling him Bobby? He couldn’t remember. 

“I’m not ordering you, Buck, but you don’t have anything urgent to do. You can just sit. I’ll leave, if that helps?”

“This is your house.”

“It’s meant to belong to all of us.”

Buck looked at him and Bobby couldn’t even fathom what was going on in the kid’s brain. 

One of the trucks came rolling in, bringing the last shift with it. Buck looked down at it, “Intentions are different from reality, Cap.” He gulped some coffee, relishing the burn then ran it under the faucet, going through the motions of cleaning it quickly as noise began to permeate the fire station. “I’ll get started on the truck.”

“Buck,” Bobby felt an apology on the tip of his tongue, but at the last second, it didn’t feel like the right time, “Hen will join you when she comes in.”

Buck did his best not to look confused, but Bobby spotted it. 

“You’ve been carrying the weight of our work for too long. It’s not fair. It wasn’t right for me to do that.”

Buck swallowed, looking unsure now.

“Life’s not fair, Cap. I know that. You did what you had to.”

Bobby couldn’t let that type of thinking stand. 

“I was selfish, Buck. Angry. I reacted poorly. I didn’t have to do any of it, but I did. I took my anger out on you,” he bit his lip, then decided to say it anyways, because he’d be saying it again and again, he was sure, but before the words ‘I’m sorry’ left his lips Buck spoke. 

“You’re not the first one to do that, Cap, and it probably won’t be the last time it happens. I can take a hit, if that’s what everyone needs.”

Members from the other squad came upstairs at that moment, and Buck slipped down past them, while Bobby felt his heart twist in his chest. It was going to be a long shift. 

True to his word, Bobby had assigned Hen to work with Buck, but he’d kept his headphones in and his head down. When the alarm rang, Bobby was torn, wanting to bring Buck along, but he needed the kid to trust them before putting him back in the field. 

It was a quiet shift so far. No one had really talked to Buck since Bobby, but they’d all tried in their own ways. Still, Buck was quick to sidestep and move away. When lunch came it was Eddie that went looking for Buck first, and he found him, on the roof, talking on his phone. “Yes, I am eating. You saw me prep food this morning, Stevie. You think I’m going to let good broccoli go to waste? It’s expensive!”

Eddie skulked in the shadows, just listening to Buck’s voice. He’d missed it. 

He heard Buck sigh and snapped back to the moment.

“It’s okay. Cap and I spoke this morning. I just…” Buck ran a hand through his hair, “I just want to know if this is pity or fear. Do they just not want my death on their conscience?” Buck gritted his teeth, “No, I’m not feeling like that again, Steve. And if I was, I have a therapist, who won’t assault me, to talk about it with, thank you very much. Do they think I’m going to launch another suit? Never mind that the last one was the only way I could get back to them. I’d rather be ignored than walk on even more eggshells.”

Eddie shut the door quietly behind him. He’d heard enough. 

“He’s eating,” Eddie told Bobby as he took his place, “But I think we’re making it worse. He thinks we’re trying to make amends because we’re afraid that he might launch another lawsuit or do something else.”

“Something else?” Chim noticed Eddie stumble over the last part of his sentence. 

“Hurt himself,” Eddie could barely get the words out, “He thinks we don’t want that on our consciences.”

No one was eating. They all looked sick.

“Eddie, what did he say exactly?” Hen’s voice was firm, but her hand tapping the table gave away her concern. 

“Said he wasn’t thinking like that, not… not again,” that Buck had ever contemplated suicide made him feel like screaming, “He said he had someone to talk to,” then Eddie looked up at Bobby suddenly, “He said, he had a therapist who,” he bit down on his lip to keep the words inside. Wasn’t it Buck’s place to disclose his own assault? But if it was a department therapist, he’d have to tell Bobby, right?

“Eddie? What did Buck say about his therapist?” Bobby needed answers, now. 

“He said this one wouldn’t assault him.”

A collective intake of breath could be heard, then Eddie felt himself get up and run to the bathroom, reaching it just in time to throw up the little breakfast he’d been able to force down.

Chim had cleared away lunch, because no one felt like eating. Hen had gone down to check on Eddie. Bobby had placed a call to Athena, who’d given him some disturbing news. He’d failed Buck again and just as Bobby was thinking about it, Buck appeared, quietly coming down from the roof. 

“Buck?” 

Buck stopped; Bobby looked unwell. 

“Cap, what’s wrong?” Buck made to start checking Bobby over and the man could have laughed at the focus and concern, how it showed that Buck was a born firefighter, but there was no way he could laugh now. 

“My office, please. I need to talk to you.”

Buck took half a step back and the fear that flashed through his eyes was another failure Bobby felt in his heart. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong. But there’s something…”

“Is Maddie okay?”

“She’s fine,” Bobby wanted nothing more than to hug the kid in this moment, “Please, Buck. My office.”

Buck nodded. “Yes sir.”

Bobby winced at the words. Thinking back, Buck never said things like that, no wonder those words had set McGarrett off. He’d known that a Buck at full mental and physical health would never say those words, at least not how he said them now, quiet, fearful, and hesitant. 

Buck went in first and Bobby hesitated as he walked in, “Can I close the door?”

“It’s your house, Cap.”

Bobby closed the door but didn’t lock it. Buck sat when he did, but he wouldn’t look at Bobby.

“I just got off the phone with Athena. That therapist, the one I sent you to after Devon, she resigned about three months later. There were accusations against her; she lost her license, but the city hushed it up.”

Buck let out a quiet breath, well, at least now he wouldn’t have to worry about bumping into her again. 

“She sexually assaulted her clients… Buck, I have to ask…” Bobby couldn’t find the words.

“She’s gone? For good.” Bobby nodded, then remembered that Buck wasn’t looking at him.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“Buck, did she…”

Buck took in a deep breath, then another. His nails dug into palm as he strove to keep himself calm and level. 

“We both know what I was like when I got here, Cap. It’s over.”

“That’s not what I mean… she did, she hurt you.”

“I’ve worked through it, Cap.”

“Buck, why didn’t you come to me?”

Bobby expected a scoff. 

“I was taking sex anyway I could get it, Captain. I thought I asked for it to happen.”

Bobby moved from his chair and crouched in front of Buck. 

“Buck…”

“I know, I should have told you. I could have saved other people, but I couldn’t. She threatened my job and it’s all I want.” Buck sniffed, pulling himself back together. He pushed his chair back, away from Bobby. He clearly no longer wanted to talk about it. 

“Permission to return to work?”

Bobby looked at him, appraisingly, then stood up himself. “You’re getting help?”

“I have a therapist that I trust.”

“Permission granted.”

Buck left and Bobby closed the door behind him, leaning against it, letting his own tears fall.

Failure. 

He was a failure.

They all knew. Buck could tell. He figured someone must have heard him on the roof, he turned his music up louder than normal and kept at his work. 

He had an appointment with Ben the day after next and once this shift was over, he’d need it. Ben Barkley had been a recommendation from one of the guys he’d met at the VA gym he used when he really needed to work his muscles over. Ben was a safe space for him.

Buck continued ducking the other members of his crew until dinner rolled around. He tried to hide out in the locker room, but he’d forgotten that another shift was coming in to overlap. 

He grabbed a book and an apple from his bag, tucking himself into a corner in the loft, so they couldn’t call him out on being anti-social and trying to avoid everyone. Plus, he knew no one would bring up the therapist in such a public setting. He was feeling a bit raw and exposed at the moment, and just wanted to relax. 

“Hey Buckley! Settle something for us, please.”

Three of the firefighters from the second shift came over to him, “Tyger here is trying to figure out what to do to keep her nerves down before her wedding. I say she should just check in with her fiancé frequently,” said Pike, but Chardy broke in “But I think that’ll freak her out.”

Buck placed a bookmark in his book. Looking up at the three of them. “And what do you want, Tyger?”

The woman sighed, leaning against the wall, “I don’t know. I’m not getting cold feet, but it’s hard with our shifts not lining up lately. I don’t want her to feel like I’m getting distant, but I don’t want to smother her either.”

Buck leaned back a bit, casting his mind back to the lead up to his own wedding. 

“That’s fair,” he paused, “Why’re you asking me?”

“I trust your opinion.” Tyger said it so casually that Buck was sure his knees would have buckled if he hadn’t already been sitting. 

“Okay then,” he huffed out a laugh of surprise, then his face turned contemplative, “You got your first dance song picked out yet?”

“Show Me What I’m Looking For.”

Buck smiled, nodding. 

“You ever thought about leaving little notes around your place, with lyrics and memories of you two. I know shift work is hell on love, but it’s reminding her that you’re thinking of her without overwhelming her.”

“That’s brilliant. You’re a genius, Buck. Thank you!” Tyger hopped off, dragging Pike and Chardy with her.

“She’s right,” that was Chim’s voice as he settled into a chair near, but not next to Buck, “Stroke of brilliance that.”

“It’s what I did.” Buck wasn’t sure what made him say it, but he found that he didn’t regret it. 

Instead of pushing the obvious question, Chim jumped to another topic, “What was your song?”

“Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.”

“What’re you reading?”

“What do you need Chim?”

“To just talk.”

“About what.”

“Anything.”

“Why?”

“Because I’ve been a shitty friend and I’m sorry doesn’t even begin to cover this situation.”

“It’s a Rick Riordan novel, about Greek gods and their kids.”

“Sounds like something I could actually read. I loved Hermes as a kid.”

“I loved Poseidon.”

Then Bobby took dinner out of the oven, and Buck knew their shift was over. He stood up, tucking the book under his arm. He and Bobby made brief eye contact, and after nodding his permission to Buck the younger firefighter headed to get changed. 

Eddie was just pulling on a clean shirt after having showered. He’d spent some time in the gym, having done his best to take out his emotions out on a punching bag. 

He was just getting ready to head up for dinner when Buck came in and stopped, going tense. Eddie hated that reaction, but he knew he deserved it. 

“Hey.” His voice shook, and he cursed it inside his head. 

Buck nodded. He seemed to steel himself, then he walked to his locker. 

“Thanks,” Eddie murmured, sitting down on the bench near Buck, even though he knew he had no right to do so. Buck’s brow furrowed in confusion. “For yesterday. Chris was really happy to see you.”

Buck’s shoulders curled inwards, as if waiting for something, a blow or a comment, Eddie wasn’t sure. 

“I shouldn’t have kept you two apart. It wasn’t fair of me to take my issues out on you.”

Buck huffed out a breath, then he grabbed his bag, deciding he wouldn’t change here. He couldn’t, with Eddie right here at the moment. 

“You’re not the first person to want to take a swing at me, Diaz. I’m told I’ve got a punchable face.” Buck’s automatic reaction was humour, but Eddie didn’t laugh. All he could think about was how Maddie had told them that Buck’s dad had hit him. 

“God, Buck… I…”

“Don’t. Please.” Buck shouldered his bag, ready to leave, “People go through shit all the time, it doesn’t mean I want you to…”

“Walk on eggshells?” Eddie interjected, echoing Buck’s words from earlier in the day.

“Fuck. It was you,” Buck wanted to cry.

“Buck, I had to tell Bobby…”

“I get why you told Cap, okay, but god, what do you want right now?!”

“I wanted to thank you. That’s it.”

“Okay, you did, goodnight.”

Buck turned to leave, barely keeping himself together now. It had been too much, the talk with Bobby, the therapist stuff, Tyger bringing up memories of Nate, Chim being friendly, and now, Eddie, thanking him. He thought he might shake apart. 

“Buck, I’m sorry,” Eddie’s words were quiet. 

“I wish those words could fix this,” Buck told him, “but I’m not ready to have this conversation, not yet.”

“I’ll wait.”

“Don’t waste your time.”

“You can see Chris whenever you want. Carla can drop him off.” Eddie got up, walking towards Buck but he stopped three paces out from the other’s personal space, “And you’ve never been a waste of time for me, Buck. Never.”

Buck turned tail and practically ran out of the station into his jeep. He drove on autopilot only really breathing properly once he was in his driveway. 

Maybe he couldn’t do this.

Maybe he should consider Steve’s offer.

But again, a voice in his head protested. His team was trying, weren’t they? Shouldn’t he try too? When would they decide he was too much trouble though? How long until it all fell apart again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, your comments are so awesome! I'm sorry I don't respond frequently, but know that I read them over and over. :D


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Danny chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short update today! More soon.
> 
> I do not own these franchises or characters. 
> 
> No beta.

Buck didn’t know how long he sat in his driveway, but eventually, his passenger door opened, and Danny climbed in to sit beside him. The detective shut the door and waited.

“You never hated Hawaii, right?”

“I thought I did.”

“I chose L.A. because I thought I’d hate it. I thought, after everything, after everyone I’d lost that I deserved to live in a city that supposedly swallowed people up and spat them out.” Buck’s nails dug into his jeans the action not as painful as on bare skin. Still, Buck knew this was a habit he’d have to bring up to Ben; he forced his fingers to flare out, keeping them from continuing his spiral into former destructive behaviours.   
“What happened today?”

“Too much.”

“What do you need, Buck?”

“I… I…”

“Don’t even try to lie to me, kid. You know what you need.”

Buck closed his eyes, hands shaking a bit now out of anxiety or anticipation, he wasn’t sure. 

“Steve gets like this after bad calls,” Danny’s voice was soft, almost background noise as Buck sought to focus, “There’s nothing wrong with needing to let it all out, safely.”

“My home gym isn’t built yet,” Buck replied, words feeling heavy and deliberate on his tongue. 

“Then go to one. Steve’ll go with you. Get it out, Buck.”

“I don’t want to…”

“You’re not,” Danny cut him off, anticipating where Buck’s mind was going, “You’re not anything like your sham of a father,” Buck turned, surprised, then opened his mouth, another argument on the tip of his tongue. “You’re not Eddie either, Buck.”

Buck closed his mouth, looking away, shame burning in his stomach now. 

“Buck, listen to me,” Danny spoke, choosing his words and tone more carefully than usual, “I don’t know, Diaz, except for through you and our very brief encounter the other day, but from what it sounds like, he’s got anger to deal with. Whatever he’s fighting is burning him alive and part of him wants it to; he chased destruction and danger without thought,” Buck made a noise as if to interrupt and defend Eddie, but Danny shook his head, “Buck, look at me.” He complied, slowly. “You’ve lived through destruction and come out the other side, kid. This energy that you need to burn off and get out, right now, it’s not about destruction, but restoration. You need to give your emotions space to air out and you can’t when you’re wound so tightly.”

Buck bit his lip, looking down. 

“You need to give yourself permission, kid.”

“I’m way past asking permission, I think, Danno.”

“Good.” He put his hand on the door handle. “Will you let Steve go with you?”

“He could probably use the exercise.” Buck’s grin was small and a bit lopsided, but it was there, on his face, so Danny considered that a win. 

“I’ll get him for you.”

“Tell him I’ve wraps for sparring. Also, since I’m fresh off blood-thinners, bruises might show a bit easier.” Danny nodded.

“He’s got you, Buck. We both do.”

“Thanks, Danny.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chim & Hen go to the gym and spy on Buck & Steve.
> 
> Eddie and Bobby freak out & bond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This didn't exactly go where I was expecting it to. 
> 
> I do not own these characters or franchises.
> 
> No beta; we die like men.

Chim wasn’t one for contact sports. He was of the opinion that ramming your fist into anything wasn’t going to a solve a problem, especially if that something was in fact, a someone. But the end of his shift found him at loose ends, without Maddie to be around he had no desire to go out. So, as he packed up and headed out his mind jumped around, trying to figure out what to do with his evening. 

A light touch on his shoulder had him stopping to look at Hen. His partner was looking as anxious as he felt. “Karen and Denny are having a night out together tonight. We thought it’d be a good idea given recent circumstances,” she scuffed a booted foot on the floor of the station, “What’re you up to?”

“I thought I’d check out a gym near me,” Chim found himself saying the words without knowing exactly why, but it was true. The gym wasn’t new, but he’d just recently noticed it. The place advertised sparring rooms and he was warming up to the idea that maybe just spending some time in room that wasn’t his just letting his emotions out might be a good idea. 

“Want some company?” Hen’s tone was hesitant. They were all feeling a bit hesitant around each other, trying to be the best they could as they came to terms with how often they’d let the worst of themselves show to the station and Buck, especially Buck. 

“I’d love it.” Chim responded.

When they arrived at the gym, they spent a few minutes taking in its offerings listed on the wall and Chim was starting to wonder if they’d made the right call about their evening when an employee came over to speak to them. “It must be every firefighter’s night off,” the young woman was smiling brightly at them and Hen found she couldn’t not smile back. 

“How’d you know we’re firefighters?” Chim asked and Hen laughed.

“Chim, you’re wearing your station hoodie.” Chim blushed as the employee waved away his embarrassment. 

“So, what can I do for two of LA’s bravest?” 

“Umm, I saw outside that you have rooms…” Chim wasn’t exactly sure how to properly articulate his request, still not sure punching something would help him. 

“Must be an LAFD favourite,” the young woman said as she beckoned them over to a desk, “Another firefighter’s in the neighbouring room.”

“Were they wearing a hoodie too?” Hen asked; the woman laughed “No, but I’ve seen him on the news,” her smile dropped, “the one who got caught under that firetruck a few months back.” She handed over a key after swiping Chim’s card. “You’ve got it for an hour, Mr. Han. Oh, and I should note, they’ve got tinted windows so coaches can observe matches etc. without distracting occupants.” 

Chim nodding, following Hen, who’d taken the time to check out a map of the place. “This place is intense,” she murmured, “But like in a good way, I guess?”

As they took another turn, they found themselves in the sparring space section. Their room and Buck’s room were the only two in this section of the gym, of course. 

“Maybe it’s not Buck,” Hen said, “We could just take a look?” Her tone went up at the end of her sentence, cluing Chim into how she wasn’t exactly sure of what to do. 

“Eddie and Athena seem to think the people he’s hanging out with are dangerous,” Chim said, “What if he is too?”

“Buck? Dangerous?” Hen’s eyes swung from the door to the room next to theirs to Chim, “I’d be more inclined to say that Steve and Buck were together than I would on him having any experience being dangerous. You heard Bobby; he left the SEALs. Come on, Chim. We could at least make sure he’s not just curled up on the ground crying,” she was trying to joke but her words fell flat as they cast their minds back to Buck’s panic attack from the other day. 

Suddenly, Chim needed to see Buck with his own two eyes. He stepped forward, Hen right beside him and they peered through the window.

\--

Buck and Steve had arrived at the gym a few minutes earlier. They’d spent their time stretching, not talking, just settling into a new environment. It had been awhil since they’d sparred properly, but Buck knew in his bones that Danny was right, he needed this, and Steve did too. 

Steve watched as Buck’s eyes darted around the room, his anxiety almost palpable. Steve needed this. He needed to know Buck could still defend himself this way. That his family wasn’t defenseless. He needed to show Buck that he still had use – as both a firefighter and a human being. 

They needed this, both of them. 

His eyes flicked around too, noting the window at the front of the room, which made him roll his eyes. He got it, but also, how creepy is it that people could be watching them, and he wouldn’t know. 

“You okay with a prospective audience?” Steve asked, jerking his head sharply, breaking the silence.

Buck shrugged. “Not like we haven’t fought for entertainment value before, Steve.”

“This is different, pup, and you know it.”

Buck didn’t want to meet Steve’s gaze, but he could feel it burning into him as he crouched to text Maddie briefly before putting his phone away. He stood up, stretching his arms, and with that his shirt lifted. He heard Steve grumble and finally, decided to look at the other man. Steve rooted through his gym bag, tossing something plastic at him. It was a packet of industrial strength wipes. 

“Take it off. I’m not interested in sparring with anyone but Buck.”

Buck’s forehead crinkled in confusion. Steve rolled his eyes and then stalked toward him, yanking Buck’s shirt up and over his head before the other man could figure out what was going on. 

“What the hell, Steve?”

Buck was confused, not angry though. He looked like his brother had just eaten the last Oreo in the house, which shouldn’t have been possible because it had been in his hand one second ago. 

“You. Which means, every part of you.”

Steve kicked the wipes which had ended up on the floor.

Buck huffed out a laugh, “I forgot what a deep and dramatic motherfucker you are, McGarrett.” He picked up the wipes, pulling one out to rub gently at the foundation covering his tattoo.

\--

“Okay, what the hell is going on?” Chim asked, tone thoroughly befuddled as he watched McGarrett stalk over to Buck and yank his shirt over his head. They seemed to have a brief, but intense exchange and then Steve moved, leaving them with a full view of Buck.

“Is that a tattoo?” Hen queried, “Is it new? Why does he hide it?”

Chim had no answer, so he just shrugged. Buck was becoming more and more of a mystery. 

\--

Buck tossed the wipe over his shoulder into a garbage can in the corner. 

“Show off!” Steve exclaimed.

“Don’t hate me because you ain’t me.”

“Ugh, please don’t ever let those words come out of your mouth again.”

“Sounds like you want to make a bet, Steve.”

“With you? No thank you. Never again.” Steve moved onto the mat, rolling his shoulders, hands wrapped and flexing, open, then closed. “Ready?”

Buck edged onto the mat, eyes already more focused and sharper than they’d been a moment ago. 

“Bring it.”

\--

“Holy shit,” Hen’s voice is shocked and Chim just nods, slowly. Buck and Steve have been sparring for how long he isn’t sure. Chim’s not sure that’s even the word for what the two men are doing, it looks more like dancing, with fists and “Is that a knife?”

Steve was now flourishing a knife that was conducting its own dance. “That’s a butterfly knife!” Hen breathed out in fear, hands clenched tightly just under the window, “Those are illegal.” She made to go to the door, but Chim caught her, “He’s got one too.”

And Buck did. And he was just as proficient with it. 

“Chim, he’s still on blood thinners!” Hen’s words shook Chim, prompting him to let her go and just as her hand wrapped around the doorknob Steve and Buck split apart, and as the door cracked open Buck let out a laugh. 

The sound of his laugh, now so foreign, made Hen pause. 

“God, Steve, I needed that, man.”

“What’s family for, pup, if not this?”

“I’d forgotten what it feels like to have that.” Buck’s voice was quieter, but with the door cracked it carried out into the hallway. Steve’s eyes darted to the door, narrowing slightly then he re-focused back on Buck. Hen knew they’d been caught, but she didn’t dare move. 

“You’ve always got me.” Steve put a hand on Buck’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. 

“I know,” Buck leaned forward, to rest his head on Steve’s shoulder for a moment, “I’ve been thinking about what you said, about Hawaii and the Five-0…”

“There’s always a spot there for you,” Steve replied, “But don’t make any decisions right now. That’s the adrenaline talking.”

Buck nudged Steve with his head but cracked a smile too. 

“Promise. No big decisions, yet.”

“I’m proud of you, Buck.”

Buck moved back a bit, swiping at his eyes. “Dammit, McGarrett. Can I go a day without crying, please?”

Steve’s eyes narrowed, stepping to Buck again, concern obvious on his face. 

“You’re not kidding. Buck, look at me,” Steve’s voice was firm.

Buck’s eye flicked up, “It’s not a big deal, Steve.”

“How often?”

“Steve…”

“They make you cry every day?” Steve’s hands became fists. 

“No, not every day, Steve… the nightmares they’re just a lot.” Buck scrubbed a hand over his face, “Let’s just go home, alright? Please?”

Steve reached out and pulled Buck into a hug. “Yeah, alright. After we shower though, let’s not subject your poor Jeep to us right now.” Buck smiled a bit, nodding his head, and just before he turned around, Steve called out and tossed him his bag. Hen recognized the opportunity Steve was giving them and shut the door as Buck caught the bag, Steve’s voice covering the quiet click of the lock. 

“We need to go, now.” Chim grabbed Hen, tugging her through the gym, tossing the woman at the front desk the key as they dashed out the front door and into Chim’s car.

“Drive.” Hen demanded and she didn’t need to tell Chim twice. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

Eddie wanted to go after Buck. He’s sure he would have stood in the locker room until their next shift had Chim not come in to grab his stuff. 

Chim and Hen weren’t sticking around for dinner, but Eddie made himself go check on Bobby, who was sitting in the lounge, two untouched plates of food near him. Eddie settled in the chair next to his captain, who gestured at one of the plates, but Eddie wasn’t hungry. 

“I figured I’d give next shift the run of the kitchen,” Bobby said, “They’re not exactly our biggest fans right now.”

“We deserve it,” Eddie replied.

“Yeah, we do.” Bobby said, scrubbing his hand over his face. 

Eddie’s eyes narrowed, focusing on Bobby’s face, “Are you sleeping, Bobby?”

Bobby shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment, “Are you?”

Eddie inclined his head. “Touché.”

They sat in silence as the next shift had dinner several feet away, joking and laughing. They watched in silence.

“This must’ve been what he felt like,” murmured Bobby, “Alone.”

“Yeah,” Eddie replied, he really had no words for their situation. He thought of what Buck might do in his situation and then he cleared his throat, “Are you going to be okay, Bobby? You don’t need any… help?”

Bobby’s eyes fixed on Eddie, the ghost of a smile on his face. 

“I’m not going to drink, Eddie. I wouldn’t dream of putting that guilt on Buck, because you can bet he’d take it on, along with everything else he’s carrying.”

“Good.”

“And you? No more parking lot fights?”

“No. After what Maddie told us,” his voice cracked and a particularly raucous bout of laughter from the kitchen table jarred him, making him flinch, “He joked about it with me today. He knows I was the one who overheard him, by the way. But he joked about me wanting to hit him…” Eddie swallowed down the bile that rose in his throat at the idea of harming Buck. 

“Eddie, come on,” Bobby pulled the other firefighter to his feet, guiding him downstairs to his office, the others barely giving them a glance. He pushed Eddie down into a chair and closed the door, “Eddie, people deal with trauma in different ways,” but Eddie cut him off.

“I almost did. In the grocery store, I was going to, Bobby, or at least I was thinking about it!” Eddie’s voice was raised, fear lacing his every syllable. 

“But you didn’t, Eddie.” Bobby’s voice was firm, as he pulled up another chair to sit in front of his firefighter. 

“I could’ve though!” Eddie’s tone climbed and it provoked something in Bobby.

“If you don’t think I would have stepped in front of that boy and taken a hit for him, you’ve got shit for brains!” Bobby didn’t usually swear or raise his voice, but his reaction was exactly what Eddie needed to hear, because he seemed to deflate in his chair. 

“You love him?” Eddie’s question caught the captain off-guard. 

“Yeah.”

“Me too,” Eddie whispered, it felt freeing to say it out loud, “Differently, than you, obviously.”

Bobby huffed out a breath, calm worming its way back into his demeanor. “I should hope so, you don’t need another kid to look after.”

“I was a crap son-in-law to Shannon’s parents.”

“Well, I’m being a crap father at the moment, so we might be even, Diaz.” 

“Do you think we can fix this, Bobby?”

“I hope so.” His voice though, wasn’t hopeful at all.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve, Buck, Danny, and Maddie have dinner complete with serious and fun discussions.
> 
> Eddie gets a call from an old friend that shifts his perspective on a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these characters. No beta. 
> 
> *This chapter hopefully clarifies some peoples' concerns from the last one. You'll notice in Ch. 16 that Buck tells Danny he's fresh off blood thinners.

Steve drove them back to Buck’s, but he let the younger man turn up the radio in lieu of talking. He could see Buck had let go of some of the tension from the day, but the end of their sparring session had caused him to sink back into that contemplative mindset that, if unchecked, could be dangerous. 

He’d known that coming out here there’d been the potential for Buck dealing with something he couldn’t really fix, but Steve would be damned if he didn’t try to help as much as possible. It had only been a couple of days after all. 

As he drove, he thought back to the gym, some of Buck’s station crew had been there, he was sure of it, but he wasn’t sure which of them it had been. He sighed internally, as he tried to plan out his next steps. While he’d like nothing more than to admonish the 118 until they felt at least a tenth of what Buck had been feeling he knew Buck would never forgive him for it, so he had to do something else. His pup had been lenient with his intimidation recently, because it hadn’t crossed a line, but he knew that Buck was still protective of his crew and he didn’t want to jar that too much. 

He pulled up alongside Maddie’s car, which was parked in Buck’s driveway and both of them exited the Jeep in a comfortable silence. 

“Buck!” Maddie pulled her brother into a hug not a second after he came through the front door and Steve grinned, watched Buck’s face go from startled and confused to happy as his sister pulled him close. 

“Hey Mads,” Buck’s voice was soft as they split apart, “You staying for dinner?” 

Maddie tapped a finger against her chin, pretending to consider his question. “Hmm… postmate and eat alone or eat with my brother and his friends… such a conundrum.”

Buck shook his head at her as she laughed and followed him into the kitchen. 

“What’re you going to make?”

“Who said I’m making anything?” Buck quipped back.

“Well, now that I know you can cook you’re the default, because I think I burnt water once in college.”

“I’m not sure that’s possible,” Buck told her as he opened his fridge, thankful that Steve had gone on that grocery run the other day as he began to pull out ingredients.

“So, what’ll it be?” Maddie claimed what was becoming her seat at the kitchen island, eyes alight with curiosity.

“Kjøttkaker,” Buck replied, “It’s a dish from Norway, kind of like meatballs. It’s simple.”

“You’ve been to Norway?”

Buck nodded “It was a stopover on the way back from a mission and Nate had always wanted to go, but we weren’t working together so I made sure to explore the city as much as possible for him.” As he spoke Buck registered how naturally he’d let that tidbit about his past slip from his lips and it made him pause, wondering if perhaps he was sharing too much. 

“Buck? Buck?” Maddie’s worried voice broke through the haze of his thoughts, she’d come over to him “Are you back with me?”

He shook his head to clear it. “Yeah, sorry, Mads.”

“Danny said today was rough for you… where’d you and Steve go?”

“The gym.”

“A little bit more than that would be helpful, Buck” Maddie’s sister tone was in her voice now as she pushed for information.

“We went to spar.”

Now, Maddie knew abstractly that her brother obviously had experience fighting, after all he’d talked about the underground fighting ring he and Steve had broken up, but it was obvious he wasn’t keen on talking about those skills with her. She thought she knew why. Buck started to peel potatoes, avoiding her eyes as he cast around for something to say to distract her from thinking about how his skills could be used to hurt people. 

“Did it… did it help?” Maddie’s voice was a bit shaky as she tried to figure out how to navigate this type of conversation.

“Maddie, we don’t have to talk about this,” he started to speak but then Maddie placed a gentle hand on his arm, surprising him and the potato peeler slipped, nicking his thumb. 

Cursing under his breath, Buck turned to run his thumb under some cold water when he heard a panicked “Shit” from Maddie. He looked over his shoulder at his sister, “Mads…”

“We have to get you to the ER, Buck.” Maddie’s voice had gone from shaky to steady in the span of less than twenty seconds.

“Maddie…”

“Now, Buck!” Her voice was firm, as she grabbed a tea towel, pulling his hand toward her and applying pressure. He was confused, as she tried to move him to the hall until he realized why she had gone into nurse-mode.

“I’m not on blood thinners anymore, Maddie.”

“What?” She stopped trying to push Buck forward, her forehead creasing in confusion this time. 

“I’ve been off them for just under two weeks, see?” he showed her his thumb, which had stopped bleeding. He could see her breathe out a sigh of relief. 

“Did you really think I’d be that stupid, Maddie? Like I sparred with Steve today and I know how risky that could be on thinners, especially with anything pointy around.”

“Who sparred with pointy things?” Danny and Steve strode into the kitchen at that moment, Danny’s voice was suspicious. 

Steve put his hands up in the air, “They were just practice pieces, Danno, nothing actually sharp.”

“Shiny dummies, same weight and heft, but none of the danger,” offered Buck who was still watching Maddie closely. 

She let out another breath, shaking her head “You’re not stupid, Buck. I just… I panicked.”

“If that’s what you call panic then I can see why you’re good at your job, sis,” he offered her a smile, which she returned, “So, dinner?”

“Yeah, dinner, please.”

Danny shook his head at Buck, “You two have so much in common, I swear to God,” he muttered as he walked over and nudged Buck over so that he could start chopping carrots. 

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” Steve told them, grinning. 

“Me too,” Buck quipped.

“Take it however you want to,” Danny told them with a laugh that Maddie echoed. 

“Speaking of pointy things though,” Steve said, and Buck shook his head, knowing where this question was going.

“Still haven’t found it yet, Stevie?” Buck teased the other man.

“Found what?” Maddie asked.

“His secret weapons stash,” Danny told her, “It’s weird SEAL-ish trait that defies explanation.”

“Come on, give me a hint,” Steve pleaded with Buck who skillfully ignored the other’s puppy eyes. 

“It’s a precaution and all of its legal,” Buck assured Maddie, instead of looking at Steve.

“I suppose that makes sense. So, why can’t Steve know?”

“Because mystery keeps a relationship from going stale,” Buck replied, winking at Steve as Danny laughed at his partner’s affronted look. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

Eddie got home in time to tuck Christopher into bed, and while his son was still a bit angry with him, he was also wise to his dad’s pain it seemed, because he made sure to tell Eddie he loved him more than once that evening. He even told Eddie a tidbit about his most recent conversation with Buck, which served to make Eddie’s heart ache, but it was better than nothing. 

He settled on his couch, unsure of what to do that evening, television didn’t hold his attention and the movies he’d cued up were all ones he’d planned to watch with Buck. He realized for like the hundredth time how easily Buck had worked his way into their lives. God, he missed him. 

Eddie’s phone lit up with a call and for a moment, he entertained the thought that it would be Buck, but the number wasn’t Buck’s. “Hey Cal,” Eddie maneuvered so he could lean back a bit on his sofa. 

“You sound like shit, Diaz.”

“Well, I probably look like it too, so…”

“Don’t tell me -- your boy’s out of town and you miss him.”

“Christopher’s sleeping, Cal.”

“Not Chris, your boyfriend, Eddie. The one you’ve been texting us about for what seems like forever, what is his name… Bambi?”

“Buck.” It felt like he was choking on the name as he said it. 

Cal’s voice switched from teasing to concerned, “You really don’t sound good man, are you two having problems?”

“I never said we were together,” Eddie’s head was spinning, he pulled out his headphones plugging them into the phone and sat up, scrolling back through his texts with his old army buddies. Huh, unsurprisingly, he had talked about Buck a lot, although abstractedly. He thought he’d been subtle. 

“I don’t talk about Caro that much, dude, and she’s the best wife I’ve ever had.”

“She’s the only wife you’ve ever had.”

“Exactly,” Cal replied, “So, you’re pining? God, your crew must be sick of it by now. You’re the worst when you miss someone, man.”

“Yeah, I am the worst,” Eddie whispered, forgetting the moment that his friend is on the line.

“Whoa, whoa, dude, where’s your head at right now? What’s going on?” Cal’s voice was serious now. 

“I messed up, Cal.”

“Look Eddie, whatever happened, I’m sure he’ll forgive you…”

“I don’t deserve his forgiveness, Cal!”

Eddie’s breathing got heavy as he fought to keep himself from launching off the couch and wearing a hole in his floor by pacing. 

“Eddie, what happened? Y’all seemed golden.”

“I messed up,” Eddie said again, but Cal wasn’t having any of that.

“I’m going to need a bit more information than that, Diaz. We all had a betting pool on how long it’d take you to pop the question and now we find out you two weren’t even dating, forgive me for being confused.”

“You never said anything,” Eddie’s voice was quiet.

“We figured you were being subtle. Man, did you think we give a shit that you’re bi?” There was a hint of hurt and understanding in Cal’s voice.

“I… maybe,” Eddie rubbed a hand over his face, “Look, I’m not even clear on when it happened okay? But… but I love him and then I betrayed and I’m alone again. It’s my fault and…”

“Eddie. Stop.” 

Eddie did stop, surprisingly, then he took a deep breath. 

“I should have told him after the ladder truck, the embolism, or the tsunami but I didn’t. I got pissed at him when he sued our captain, because all I could concentrate on was how abandoned I was feeling, when he was feeling even more alone.”

Cal hummed on the other end of the phone, prompting him to continue.

“And now, we’ve found out some stuff about his past, and damn, Cal, I don’t know how he’s still standing. And he still loves Chris so much and I kept them apart, and it’s all wrong, because I can’t talk to him properly. I thanked him for something today and he thought I was going to hit him!” Eddie gulped back a sob. These were things he’d talked about with Frank, but saying them to Cal too, they helped him remember all of his mistakes. He could feel each one like a brand upon his skin, stinging and marking him for Buck to see him as unworthy. 

“You didn’t, right?” Cal’s question threw him for a loop.

“Of course not!” Eddie shot back.

“Okay, that’s a start,” he could hear Cal sigh, heavily. 

“You’re in deep, Diaz.”

“I know,” Eddie told him, “And on top of that I think he might be planning to leave the station, he apparently knows McGarrett.”

“Like Steve McGarrett?” Cal whistled, impressed, “How do they know each other?”

“Don’t know really.” Eddie wished he knew, he wished he knew everything about Buck. 

“Were they together?”

Eddie gritted his teeth, “I don’t know, Cal.”

“Heard he’s got himself a blonde Detective now, but you never know, your boy could’ve been his type back then.”

“Shut up, Cal.”

“Hey man, you can’t be jealous if he’s not yours.”

“You want to say that to my face?” Eddie shot back, voice basically a growl. 

“Not particularly, at least you’re still serious about him,” Cal backed off with the teasing tone, “You know, McGarrett’s team got Will out of a seriously tight spot once, he might know something more about McGarrett’s past.”

“Buck wasn’t a SEAL, Cal” Eddie tried to supress the warmth that uncoiled in his stomach as he thought of Buck actually being even more competent than he was already. Images of Buck being able to hold him down, or better yet, letting Eddie hold him down even when he could easily escape cycled through his mind. His Buck wasn’t like that, although he couldn’t say he didn’t want to entertain that particular fantasy later on. 

“I don’t think they let deer become SEALs,” quipped a new voice on the call and Eddie came back to himself.

“Will?” 

“Three-way phone calling, wave of the future Diaz. So, Cal texted me that you’ve got Steve McGarrett on your territory?”

“Buck isn’t my territory, alright? He’s not a thing.”

“Is his name actually Buck?”

“Will, focus!” called out Cal. 

“Right, sorry. So, McGarrett, right?”

“Umm, yeah. But if remembering’s going to cause you any issues” Eddie tried to be mindful of triggering his friend even though he desperately wanted to know something about McGarrett.

“Nah, I’m pretty settled at the VA and my therapist is good. I’ll be okay.”

“That’s good, bro.”

“So, McGarrett, what do you want to know?”

“I… He says that he knows Buck and I just don’t want Buck in danger, with the stuff I’ve heard about McGarrett…” he didn’t admit that it made him both anxious and jealous, but he could tell that him trailing off tipped his hand to his friends. 

“Well, I’ll start with the basic facts. He’s known as Smooth Dog in SEAL circles and he now runs an outfit in Hawaii, the Five-0, a specialist task force endorsed by the governor. He’s decorated, deadly, and he’s got a blonde spitfire of a detective as a partner from what I hear.”

“Danny, Danny Williams,” Eddie was glad he had something to contribute. 

“Is he there too?” Will asked.

“Yeah.”

Will whistled, “Damn… so you said your boy knows him?”

“He’s not…” 

Eddie started to speak, but Cal cut him off, “They aren’t dating, Will.”

“What the hell, man?” Will sounded affronted by this news. “You’re so gone on him it’s sickening!”

“Will, focus!” Cal called their friend back to attention.

As Will grumbled something about emotionally stunted friends he got back on topic, “Well, I met his team in Afghanistan; they were in the area for an intelligence survey and they pulled us out a massive firefight. Without their interference we’d have all been dead. We spent two days in their company before we they flew us back to base and then they disappeared.” Will cleared his throat, “McGarrett’s a good person, Eddie. A little rough around the edges, but ain’t we all?” He chuckled, “Besides, he had a kid brother type that kept him in line. He used to call him pup, figure with the Smooth Dog connection and all it made sense.”

Will said something else, but Eddie was stuck on the nickname. His mind cast back to the day of Buck’s panic attack, as they all listened from the loft. Steve had called Buck, "Pup" then, hadn’t he? But, no. It couldn’t be.

“Pup?” Eddie interrupted Will, “You’re sure?”

“Yeah, it was cute in a way, and the kid’s boyfriend didn’t seem to mind, so I figured it was all above board. The boyfriend was the one who flew us back to base; best damn pilot I’d flown with actually.”

Eddie’s mind was now bumping against the word boyfriend, but first thing’s first. 

“Will, I’m sending y’all a picture and I need you to tell me if you recognize anyone.”

He quickly scrolled through his favourited images, Buck and Christopher smiling in most of the frames. 

“Eds, you good?”

“Just look at the picture!”

Will and Cal both clicked on the image, the other member of their group chat, Greg, weighed in first with a cheeky text. 

Greg: Finally, a photo of your man! 

Cal: Long story, but they aren’t dating and I think Eddie’s having a meltdown. These things are not unrelated. 

Eddie: You realize I can see your messages, right Cal? Will? Anything?

Will: … No fucking way.

Greg: Hey, dial me in!

“Will, what’s with the freak out, dude?” Greg’s voice was curious.

“Eddie, I’d know that kid anywhere… what is he doing in LA?”

“Are you sure, Will?” Eddie pressed his friend, blocking out Greg asking what the hell is going on. He waited as Will seemed to process his question and Cal caught Greg up through text. 

“Yeah, Eddie. That’s Steve McGarrett’s pup alright. That scar is distinctive, dude.”

Eddie dropped his phone, his ears ringing. 

Who the hell was Buck?


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 118 gets together to chat and some fences are starting to mend, slowly. 
> 
> Buck has made a decision. He tells Maddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these characters.
> 
> No beta.

Chim and Hen ended up at his place, sharing a bottle of wine, wondering about Buck.

“Like who is he, Chim? Do we know anything about him?”

“Of course we do!” Chim replied, tone firm despite Hen’s raised eyebrows, “We know surface stuff about him, Hen, because that’s all we ever looked for. We counted out his past and depth when we first met him, so it stands to reason that he’d have a few surprises for us.”

Hen mouthed the words ‘a few surprises’ as Chim’s phone chimed. 

“It’s Eddie, reckon we should invite him over to commiserate?”

“Nah, we should go there, Chris is probably already asleep.”  
Chim tapped out a message and within seconds Eddie okayed their visit, so they called an uber and headed off to visit their friend. 

Eddie was grateful for Chim and Hen, because after he’d picked his phone up, he’d stuttered out something to his army buddies, then hung up. All three of them had called and texted him, both individually and through their group chat until they stopped, and he figured they’d decided to let him be for the evening. Or so he’d hoped. 

They hadn’t though, and his phone had chimed with a message from them a few minutes later. It was a series of three photos – three flight confirmation numbers and simple message ‘We’re coming to you, man.’ 

He didn’t know how he had friends like them, but he was forever grateful. 

He’d acknowledged the text with a heart emoji, unusually vulnerable for him, but it felt right. He was starting to see how maybe being more open with his feelings could be good for him and the people he loved. 

Then he’d sent off messages to Chim, Hen, Bobby, and after hesitating, Athena. His hand hovered over Maddie and Buck’s numbers alternatively, but he decided not to call them, not yet, he needed to talk to everyone else first. 

May had agreed to watch Harry, she was up finishing an essay anyways and it wasn’t really that late. So, both Bobby and Athena made the trip to Eddie’s after receiving his message. 

“Any idea what he’s got to say?” Athena knew it wasn’t the best opening, but things with her and Bobby were understandably strained. 

“No, he didn’t mention anything when we talked today.” Bobby was subdued in his response.

“What’d you two talk about?”

“Is this an interrogation, Athena?”

“No!” She knew she deserved that dig, but it hurt all the same. “Dammit Bobby, I’m worried about all of you, not just Buck.” She turned to look at her husband as she stopped at a red light. It had only been a few days, but she saw him looking sadder and more exhausted than she’d ever seen him.

“You don’t have to worry, ‘Thena. We’ll be fine.”

“No! Don’t you get it? Being “fine” is what got you all into this mess!” She raised her voice then lowered it.

“Buck wanted his family back. You wanted him safe. You all did, but instead of talking about it, you all picked sides and made decisions for him, which made him feel backed into a corner. He’s sorry Bobby,” a car behind them beeped at Athena who resumed driving, but kept talking, although her eyes were now firmly on the road, “He’s so sorry he’ll take whatever you’ll give and you’re all so afraid of him getting hurt that you decided that distancing him from the terrifying things you do on a daily basis would keep him safe.” She pulled into Eddie’s driveway and turned off the car to look at Bobby, “All of you play a part in this, even Buck.” Bobby made a noise of disagreement that Athena dismissed with a shake of her head, “He knows it, Bobby, but it’s not doing him any good apologizing over and over. You need to decide to meet him where he is and you need to accept him for who he really is. This can be fixed,” she reached over to grab her husband’s hands, clutching them tightly, “You have to believe that it’s worth fighting for though, Buck, your crew, us… don’t lose hope now.”

“I thought you were still mad at me?” Bobby’s voice was quiet and confused now, as he looked down at their clasped hands in wonder.

Athena let out a wet chuckle, a sob climbing in her throat, “God, he’s so much like you. That’s the only thing you got from my speech, Nash?” 

Bobby looked over at her now, “I hear you, Athena.”

“Good.” She let go of Bobby’s hands, but he caught one, pressing a brief kiss to it. 

“I love you, Athena. Even when you don’t like me much.”

Athena blushed, “I love you too, Bobby.”

“Now,” Bobby’s voice was a bit stronger and steadier, “let’s see what’s got your son-in-law calling family meetings at 8pm.”

“So, Buck’s my son now?”

“Before sunrise Buck’s your kid,” murmured Bobby, a small smile playing at his lips.

“Did you just make a Lion King reference?” Athena laughed as Bobby nodded. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

“You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind,” Maddie murmured. They’d all watched TV for a bit until Danny and Steve had gone out back to take in the stars, and to call Grace. 

“I’m going to ask for a temporary transfer, Mads.”

Maddie put down her glass of wine, turning so that she could look Buck full on, “Are you sure?”  
“Six months, the 106 needs a temporary fill because one of them broke a bone and I don’t think things are going to get better if I stay around the 118. We all need to breathe, Maddie. I need to do this, for them.”

“You’re really set on this aren’t you?”

“I’m going to bring Bobby the paperwork tomorrow morning and finish out that shift. Then I’ve got therapy and a few days before my next shift.”

“Buck… this isn’t just for them, right?”

“It’s for me too Maddie. I need some distance; I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am and what I’ve let them see. It’s not fair to expect them to let me have their backs when I can’t be honest with them, but I need time to build that trust back up again.”

“When did you get so wise, Buck?” Maddie ruffled his hair affectionately, and he leaned into her hand, relishing the contact. She tugged him into a side hug.

“Does that mean you’ll consider what I said about talking to Chim?”

Maddie sighed. 

“You don’t have to do anything crazy, Mads, but he loves you. He wanted to protect you, and me, in his own way. Just ask him to meet up at a coffee shop and tell him you’re going to glare at him the whole time. He’ll buy you a latte and a brownie just for showing up.”

Maddie huffed out a laugh. “Maybe I will.” She continued to pet Buck’s hair. “What about you and Eddie?”

“It’s going to be punishment enough not to be able to watch his six,” mumbled Buck, “I don’t know, Mads, but I need to be in good place if we’re going to repair any of this damage. I know he’s angry with me. I don’t blame him. I stepped into his world, I was reliable, and then I wasn’t there anymore.”

“Buck, you were just his best friend.”

“But I wanted more. I subconsciously knew I was stepping into Shannon’s space Maddie and I shouldn’t have done that without talking to him, whether he would have wanted to hear me say it or not.”

“So… do you want me to come with you in the morning?”

“I need to do this on my own, Mads. But maybe, write in Buckley movie night this weekend?”

“After some furniture shopping?” Maddie asked, tone hopeful. 

“Why not?” He replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely comments and kudos! They keep me smiling. :D


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew talk. Hen's a bit tipsy and says some stuff. Eddie and Chim bond a bit over loving the Buckley siblings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these characters. No beta.

“Eddie, are you okay?” Bobby’s first instinct was to grasp at his firefighter’s shoulder, the man looked like a light breeze could topple him.

“Umm, kind of.”

Athena raised her eyebrows, stepping into Eddie’s foyer, pulling him back a bit and leading him into the living room, lips twisted into a frown. Eddie glanced back at Bobby, confusion evident in his face, Bobby shrugged back. He wasn’t sure when Athena had decided to work with them, but he’d take it. 

“Athena,” Eddie started to speak, but the sergeant put up a hand.

“You didn’t think I’d come, much less come near y’all, right?”

Eddie ducked his head, nodding.

“Seems like none of us have been showing up for each other recently, doesn’t it?” She settled next to him, pulling up her feet, nudging his knee with her foot. 

“Yeah, it does,” Eddie ran a hand through his hair, shooting her a look of appreciation. 

Bobby came in with three cups of coffee. “This is fresh, right?”

“Just brewed it. Figured we should have this discussion with clear heads.”

The doorbell rang, and Athena beat Bobby to it, leaping off the couch. “That might be a bit of struggle with these two,” she called quietly into the living room as she led Chim and Hen in, pushing them down into chairs. 

Eddie got up to get more mugs and coffee to help his friends work their way back to being more sober, although they weren’t drunk, Hen was on her way to tipsy. 

“It’s a weeknight, what prompted this?” Athena asked, as she settled back onto the couch, tucking herself into Bobby’s side. 

Hen’s eyes narrowed. “I thought you were mad at us?” She pointed at Athena, speaking in a suspicious tone. 

“I am,” she replied coolly, “but fighting with each other isn’t helping us is it?”  
“Sense, you do make sense,” Hen replied.

“Drink your coffee, Henrietta,” Athena ordered her, rolling her eyes at her friend. 

Chim who’d already sipped down half of his coffee and was decidedly less tipsy than Hen, put down his mug. 

“Hen and I saw Buck today, with that Steve guy.”

“McGarrett, yeah, makes sense,” Eddie had resettled at the other end of his couch, “I learned some stuff about him today too. That’s why I contacted you guys.” His tone must have given away his anxiety, because Chim gestured for him to continue. “Buck might not have been a SEAL, but he was part of a special ops group run by McGarrett.”

“Special ops? Like what spy work?” Bobby’s voice was concerned already.

“Kind of, at least from what it sounds like. I have an army buddy who was rescued by McGarrett’s team; he identified Buck on sight.”

“And none of that was on his resume?” Athena looked at Bobby, who shook his head.

“All I ever heard him talk about was giving college a miss,” they all winced, remembering why Buck had given up college, “spending about six months in South America and dropping out of the SEALs.”

“Why’s this got you so rattled, Eds? You were in the army.” That was Hen, still a bit floaty with wine, but asking good questions all the same. 

“McGarrett’s team, they didn’t just rescue people, Hen. They’ve killed people. Not in a firefight, but deliberately, and I can’t reconcile that with my… our Buck. The skills it’d take to get McGarrett to take him seriously and such a young age” he shook his head “We don’t really know him at all.”

“Yeah, Hen and I saw some of that today,” Chim volunteered, “He and Steve were sparring something fierce at a gym near my place.”

“It was like dancing, but deadly and with pointier things than pointe shoes,” added Hen. 

“With pointier things than? What are you talking about Hen?” Athena just wanted a straight answer.

“Knives, the ones that go *flick, flick, flick*” Hen demonstrated with her hands, and against their better judgments both Bobby and Chim let out a chuckle. 

“Butterfly knives?” Athena was on edge now, and Bobby could feel it, “They can’t be carried outside of your home if they’re over 2 inches, was it?”

“Definitely,” Chim replied.

“What the hell is that boy playing at?!” She hissed.

Eddie meanwhile had gone white, “The blood thinners?”

“He didn’t get hurt,” Chim reassured his friend, “Although, he’s not usually that stupid.”

“He’s not stupid,” Bobby and Eddie chorused together, aiming unimpressed looks at Chim.

“Bad choice of words, but you’ve got to admit, this is beyond not caring about his life.” Hen grumbled in agreement, as did Athena. 

“So, now we know a bit more about him,” Bobby said, trying to get them all back on track.

“But when does it end?” Hen’s question marked how much she’d sobered up and it was the one thing no one else had wanted to ask.

Bobby nodded, reluctantly acknowledging Hen’s point “I guess the question is, even now, would he admit to any of this? What have we ever done to prove we’d be good guardians for this type of information?”

“He doesn’t trust us,” Chim nodded, he turned to look at Eddie, “Did your friend say anything else?”

Eddie was caught off guard, and he paused, giving away that yes, Will had told him something else; Buck was not straight. But that wasn’t relevant, was it? Again, he wondered if this was his place to say anything. He took a deep breath, then nodded, “Yeah, but I don’t think it’s my place to share it.”

“So, you can expose your boyfriend for being a secret military operative, but you draw the line at what?” Hen’s reaction was unusually cold for her, especially considering her earlier contributions. 

Eddie flinched visibly at her words. 

“Shit, Eddie… I’m sorry” Hen stood up, a bit unsteady, but Eddie pushed past her. He heard Bobby and Athena murmuring, Hen’s voice mixed underneath them, but then the door shut, once. 

“Eddie?” It was Chim, impressively balancing the five empty mugs in his hands. Eddie gestured at the counter and after depositing them safely, Chim turned toward him. “You know she didn’t mean anything by it, right? Although it was a shitty thing to say.”

“She’s right though,” Eddie murmured, “When did I decide I’m allowed to expose these parts of Buck that he has taken such care to hide from us. You’re right, he doesn’t trust us.”

“This other stuff, it’s not going to stay with you?”

Eddie bit his lip. Discovering Buck wasn’t straight was already eating away at him; he’d never asked his best friend about his sexuality, while his past with Shannon and the army probably made Buck think he was either straight or unwilling to be in a relationship with a man. DADT had hit men like them hard. 

He rubbed a hand on the back of his neck, a nervous tick he’d picked up from Buck incidentally. He blushed as he thought about it, how everything took him back to Buck. 

“He likes you too, you know?” Chim’s voice was soft in a way Eddie had rarely heard it. His eyes flicked up, widening in surprise. 

“I always figured he wasn’t completely straight, too many of his hook ups had gender-neutral names and well, there were times he’d get one of Hen’s jokes faster than me or Bobby. Hen thinks I’m a bit nuts; she’s convinced he’s pining for you unknowingly, but I know him better.” Chim pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and sat, “We lived together for a couple of months when he first started at the station and don’t tell him, but he was a pretty great roommate.”

Eddie pulled up a chair and sat too. “Is Hen upset?”

“With you? Nah,” Chim replied, “With herself? Yup. But you’ll see her tomorrow and she’ll apologize, what you do with that is up to you.” Chim cleared his throat, “Is that what your friend told you?”

“He had boyfriend, someone on McGarrett’s team.”

“Not Steve then?”

“No.” Eddie’s tone was sour. 

Chim chuckled. 

“I’ve never seen Buck like he has been with you and Chris, Eddie.”

Eddie blushed again. If this is what being vulnerable meant he wasn’t sure his face could take it. 

Chim tapped a hand on the table for a moment. “So, Buckley’s eh? Can’t live without them?”

Eddie nodded, realizing that in Chim he had an ally. Here was someone who loved a Buckley just as much as he did and was also in trouble with both siblings. 

“I wouldn’t trade it for anything though.”

“Me neither.” 

They smiled at each other. Chim tapped his hand on the table again. 

“I hope I don’t regret this,” he murmured, then he fixed Eddie with a serious look.

“Chim, what?”

Chim talked over him. “Buck was engaged once.”

“What?” Eddie barely croaked the word out. Dating was one thing, but engaged, was Buck married? Still? No, he wouldn't, he couldn't be... But he had been and he hadn't told Buck that, not really.

“I didn’t ask any questions when he let it slip, but I get the feeling there’s a lot more to it than we think, much like Buck himself. I’m telling you, because I wanted to warn you. You need to be patient with him, but you also deserve the truth from him, eventually.”

Chim tapped his hand on table again, then stood up. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Eddie.”

Eddie barely heard his friend leave, and he only remembered to lock the door because Buck had once called him to task for not always locking his doors. It was why he’d given Buck a key, or at least one of the reasons he’d given him one. 

“Engaged,” Eddie breathed out the word, his mind conjuring up an image of Buck, ring on chain around his throat, keeping it close to his heart. Buck in a suit, smiling at him. He leaned back against the door, wondering again, just who his best friend was and whether he’d ever be allowed the privilege of figuring Buck out.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck tells Bobby he's transferring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these characters. Also, 9-1-1 is back! YAAY!

Buck was early to his shift again, but he hadn’t beat Bobby this time. While Bobby and Athena had started to make amends, they’d still slept apart the night before. Bobby wasn’t exactly well-rested, but he was in shape to be on shift, well, if his nerves would give him a moment to settle. He was nervous because of Buck. Buck. His son. He wasn’t backing away from that label now. But now, he knew he didn’t fully know Buck at all. He wanted to know everything. The whole crew did, but they had to let Buck come to them.   
As he heard light footsteps make their way upstairs, he steeled himself to go out and interact, just like nothing had changed. Had it? He wondered idly as he pushed away from his desk and closed his door just as quietly. He knew that if he spooked Buck, he wouldn’t see the young man all day. 

What he didn’t expect to find in the loft was Buck, facing the stairs, coffee in front of him and an envelope on the table. “Coffee’s fresh,” Buck’s voice was quiet.

“Don’t mind if I do,” Bobby tried to inject his usual joviality into his tone, but he knew he’d missed the mark the moment he uttered the words. He turned around after pouring a cup for himself, wondering if he could sit with Buck or if that would be pushing it. He decided to stay standing by the coffee machine. He forced back the voice in his head calling him a coward and jerked his head at the envelope “What’s that?”

Buck put down his mug and squared his shoulders. Suddenly, Bobby wanted to take back his question. He knew he wasn’t going to like the answer he was about to hear. 

“The 106 is short one on their regular crew. They’re temporary transfer papers.” 

Bobby needed to sit down.

He wasn’t sure if he’d actually staggered over to the table or not, but then he was there, sitting. Buck passed the envelope over to him. 

“Their Captain and the Chief have signed off on it already. They suggested I just go, but” Buck cleared his throat, “I couldn’t leave you guys hanging.”

“Buck…” Athena’s words about driving Buck from the station emerged from Bobby’s memory and rattled around, causing noise and havoc. 

“It’s temporary. Right now, anyways,” was Buck’s response, he was looking at Bobby, a bit thrown by his captain’s reaction, but he didn’t let on, “Who knows, you might find y’all like the quiet.”

“No…” The moment that word fell from Bobby’s mouth, Buck’s shoulders tightened. 

“It’s not your decision to make, Captain. It’s mine.” His tone wasn’t cold, exactly, but it wasn’t warm either. “You don’t trust me, and in this job, that could… no, it will kill someone and I’m not going to carry that with me.” Buck sighed, “I don’t trust you either, if that helps, not fully anyways and this is what I need. I’m taking it, with or without your permission, Captain.”

Footsteps and voices sounded in the station. 

Buck pushed himself away from the table, rinsing out his mug quietly, and then he put it in the cupboard, maybe for the last time. 

Bobby turned around, watching Buck, who met his gaze briefly when he turned around. 

“Okay.”

Buck titled his head slightly. 

“I said okay, Buck.”

“Not looking for your okay, Cap…” and before he could call him Captain again in that awful, formal voice, Bobby cut him off. 

“We’ll be here when you get back.”

Buck scoffed and shook his head.

“I’m serious. These papers mean you work somewhere else, it doesn’t mean we’re going anywhere.”

“Yeah, sure, Cap.” As the rest of the squad trickled upstairs, Buck moved as if to flee into the monotony of his chores, but then he paused. 

“You should hear it from me, starting tomorrow, you’re going to get a transfer in my spot. Not sure who it is yet, but I’ll be at the 106 for six months.”

Chim, Eddie, and Hen were in shock.

They all opened their mouths to protest when the alarm rang and that was the last time they saw Buck that day. Calls came in, one after another, and by the time they finally got back, Buck had left for his therapy appointment and left them.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck goes to therapy. The Buck Buckley Deserves Better Squad is born.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these characters.

“Buck?”

Buck cleared his throat and looked up from his hands, which he’d been wringing unconsciously. 

“You ready?”

Buck stood, nodding as he shot a smile at the admin assistant at the front desk of Ben’s practice. He followed Ben Barkley down a hallway, entered the third door on the right, and settled almost immediately in the armchair in the corner, which allowed him to have a full view of the office. Ben closed the door behind him and took the chair in front of Buck.  
“I’ve transferred. Temporarily.”

Ben hummed, nodding, picking up a pad of paper and a pen. 

“And what prompted that move?”

“The appearance of an old friend.”

Ben’s raised eyebrows pushed Buck to provide a bit more context. 

“He’s more like my brother. My old CO, or whatever the equivalent would be for someone like me.”

Ben nodded, scratching a word down. 

“So, this man…”

“Steve.”

“Steve,” Ben acknowledged Buck’s interjection, “He’s someone you trust?”

“Without question.”

“I think that’s the first time you’ve answered that question that quickly.”

“Someone can only save your life so often before you trust them,” Buck quipped, then he bit his lip, “Well, maybe that’s not entirely accurate. I mean look at me and the 118.”

“Speaking of them, did you tell them this news?”

Buck nodded. “I told all of them. An alarm disrupted any discussion, well, beyond what B…Captain Nash said.”

“That, you’ve been referring to your colleagues consistently by their titles, is this your way of offering a clean slate or do you need the distance?”

“A bit of both.” Buck shifted in his seat, but he tried not to physically shy away from the questions. 

“What did your captain say?”

“Something about how even if I leave, they won’t go anywhere.”

“Do you believe him?”

“No.”

“Do you want to believe him?”

Buck nodded.

“What does Steve think of this?”

“I haven’t told him yet.”

“Why not?”

“Because he wants to look out for me, he wants me to go back home with him and Danny. Danny’s his partner.”

“And you don’t want to work with him?”

“No, that’s not it.” Buck scrubbed a hand through his hair, messing it up, “It would be easy, well, not easy, but comfortable. It would feel like running away.”

“Isn’t distance running away?”

“No.” Buck’s voice was firm. “This transfer isn’t about running, it’s about rebuilding.”

“So, Steve, you think he’s going to be upset that you don’t want to go home with him?”

Buck narrowed his eyes slightly. “What question are you really asking, Ben?”

“Does he scare you?”

“Steve?”

Ben nodded.

Buck paused, thinking. Did Steve scare him? 

“No. I've seen him be intimidating, but he doesn’t scare me, not like you’re asking me anyways.”

“And how am I asking about him?”

“He’s not like my father. He doesn’t appear in my nightmares. Not like my father, not like…”

“Not like who?” Ben grabbed onto Buck’s slip up. “Not like who, Buck?”

“Not like Bobby.” Buck broke eye contact with Ben as he answered, suddenly finding his denim covered knees extremely interesting. 

“Does Bobby scare you?”

Buck took a deep breath. “Not, not exactly… it’s more like what he represents or could represent that scares me. I’ve already disappointed so many people in my life and I just thought I’d reached a point where I could make him proud, make him believe in me, and he didn’t. He just dismissed me. It was like I was finally ready for it and I wanted to let my father know I could take his hit!”

“Do you see Captain Nash as a father figure?”

“I think we’ve already established that I have justifiable Daddy Issues, Ben.”

“Buck.”

“I think was starting to, to trust him, to let him in, but then it all fell apart.”

“What about your sister? Where is she in all of this turmoil?”

Buck smiled slightly his voice quiet, almost awed. “Maddie? She has been great these past few days. I let her come over to my house.”

Ben hummed, in approval, at least that’s what Buck thought it was. 

“Let’s talk about your house. How are you sleeping?”

Buck sighed.

“A bit better.”

“Window seat?”

“Usually.”

“Have you thought about a different bed?” 

“Maddie wants to go furniture shopping this weekend. I’ll look.”

“That’s all I’m asking. How about the rest of the house? Any progress on your study?”

“Not yet. Just boxes upon boxes.”

“Boxes of what?”

Buck shrugged.

“Buck, remember, we talked about living, not just surviving. That means making a home and unpacking the past, both literally and figuratively.”

“I know, I just… I wish…”

“Yes?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Buck.”

“The squad moved Maddie into her place. They helped Bobby move into Athena’s. They even helped Eddie spruce up his place. I just wish I was comfortable enough to have them with me for this step.”

“It’s okay to feel frustrated and angry.”

“Thanks, Ben.”

“I’m serious.”

“Hi Serious, I’m Buck.”

Ben huffed out a chuckle.

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 

The squad was off. They got their work done. They responded to calls and kept people safe, but they all felt the absence of Buck, even more so than they had over the past few months. 

As they left the truck, finally off shift, they didn’t speak. As soon as they were changed they congregated in the loft, silent, until Eddie snapped “Are we going to talk about this?”

“He made the choice himself, Eddie.”

“You can’t be okay with this?”

“You think I want him with another crew?”

“They’re people we don’t know, Bobby! People who won’t watch his back like us!”

“He needs this, Eddie. He told me. He doesn’t trust us to watch his back right now.” That sentence took the wind out of Eddie, who sank into the couch, something like grief overtaking him.

“So, what do we do?” That was Hen. Their voice of reason for the day.

“I told him, no matter where he’s working, we won’t leave him. We keep that promise,” Bobby told them. 

“How?” Eddie asked, sharply.

“We can’t overwhelm him. He’s hardly tolerating us right, now,” Chim interjected. 

“A schedule.”

“A schedule, Bobby?” Hen sounded confused.

“To make sure we aren’t overwhelming him.” Bobby nodded, warming to his own idea. “A daily, or almost daily check in through one of us. We invite him to things. The thing we’ve cut him out of and every rejection, we receive with grace and understanding. Understood?” Everyone nodded as his eyes scanned his squad. 

“Okay. So, tomorrow, his first shift at the 106…”

“I’ve got that,” Hen jumped in, “I’ve got something in mind.”

“Okay.”

“What about tonight? He’s probably caught between thinking we’re angry or don’t care at all.”

“It’s your idea, text him, Eddie.” Eddie knew a challenge when he heard one, so he nodded at Bobby. 

“Chim?”

“I’ll take the weekend.”

“What about you, Cap?” Hen queried. 

“I’ll take next Tuesday.”

“What’s happening next Tuesday?” Athena appeared at the top of the loft stairs, surveying them all, her tone curious. 

“Bobby’s shift for the Buck Buckley Deserves Better Squad,” Chim quipped, his fellow firefighters fixing him with a look. “What, like you weren’t thinking we’re trying to go all Avengers Assemble on Buck’s life?”

“The Avengers wreak havoc on cities and lives, Chimney,” Athena’s voice was unimpressed, “Although, I suppose there’s some relation between them and you. And underneath all of their shenanigans there’s love and hope, in the early days. When’s my shift?”

Bobby looked at her, smiling tentatively, “Thursday?”

“Are you asking, or telling me?”

“I would never presume to tell you to do anything.”

“Smart man,” Athena replied, “I’ll do it. Be warned, May and Harry will probably make t-shirts for us.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck meets the 106.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1 characters. The 106 belong to me.

Denny and Harry were the ones to actually come up with a logo for the squad, but May was going to supervise a crafting party that weekend, which would of course, include Chris. Michael had offered his living room for crafting and they’d all jumped at it. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 

Steve hadn’t been too surprised by Buck’s announcement the night before, he’d figured his pup was planning something, but he had insisted that he drive along with Buck the next morning. Danny had latched onto the idea too, but Steve wasn’t sure if Danny was acting out of a desire to protect Buck or to control Steve’s own protective instincts. Either way, they’d made it to the 106 in plenty of time for Buck to start his shift. 

“You’ve got your lunch?” Danny asked, from the front seat, looking back at Buck who was grinning at both of them. 

“Yes, Daddo.”

Danny fixed him with an unimpressed look that didn’t quite hide the twitching of his lips, “Get out and save people, pup.”

“You got it!” Buck tossed Steve a lazy salute and threw open the door.

“Buck?”

“Yeah, Steve?”

“Be safe.”

“You too.”

Buck pulled himself out of the car, bag hanging from his hand. After shutting the door, he waited, but quickly realized the two men were going to wait for him to walk into the station before leaving, so squaring his shoulders he marched forward, into his new future. 

The 106 wasn’t busy but there were a few people around. Buck ran through what he knew about that station, its squad members, and its captain in his head as his eyes scanned the surrounding area, looking for the captain’s office. 

“Buckley?”

He turned to find himself face to face with “Captain Khan.” As he spoke, Buck extended a hand for her to shake, hoping his nerves weren’t visible to his new captain. He knew his name had been spat upon by members of the LAFD for his lawsuit. 

His hand hovered in the air for a moment before Khan took it, shaking it firmly. 

“Happy to have you aboard ship 106. You go by Buck, correct?”

Buck could barely breathe as Khan shook his hand; she was even smiling at him, and he didn’t get that twisting in his guts when their eyes met. She was seemingly being sincere. 

“Yes, ma’am.”

Khan let go of his hand but raised her eyebrows, and Buck’s stomach dropped. How had he screwed up already, but something in Khan’s face looked concerned?

“Let’s get your paperwork squared away. My office is this way.” Buck fell into step behind her, eyes now on the ground, wondering what he’d managed to do this time. Upon reaching a door with her name on it, Captain Khan gestured for Buck to go in first. 

“Take a seat, Buck.”

He followed her directions as she shut the door. 

“You know, we’ve all heard about what has been going on at the 118,” he took in a deep breath, wondering if he’d been transferred just to be fired, “and I want you to know, I won’t stand for bullying or belittling of my squad in any form.” She moved from beside her desk to crouch on the floor, “This is your place of work and you should feel safe here. If anyone gives you shit, I want to know.”

Buck was confused. He looked up from his hands, mouth open, but he didn’t know what to say. 

“I saw you shut down out there,” Khan motioned at the closed door, “I was just surprised. None of my squad have had the balls to ma’am me in years.” Buck blushed. “For the record, everyone calls me V around here; Cap is only for emergencies. That’s how I run this ship. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’… V.” Buck corrected himself. 

“I knew you were smart. I saw you work at that apartment fire on Spring Street; you pulled out twins, right before their floor collapsed. It was brave and well-calculated.” Buck blushed again, but not out of nerves or fear, but tentative happiness. “I asked for you, did the Chief tell you that?”

“No.”

“Well, I did. So, you’re wanted here, kid.” Vera Khan clapped her hands, as Buck’s posture relaxed a bit and he sat up straighter, “Before you go out with us though, you’ve got some stuff to sign.” and she stood up, making her way back behind her desk while pushing forward paperwork and a pen. A little over ten minutes later, Vera placed all of Buck’s paperwork in a folder and then made her way over to the door, “Why don’t you get changed and then you can meet the squad?” 

Buck nodded, a small smile on his face. 

“Do you talk, kid?”

“Yes, V.”

Vera quirked her head, looking at him in an appraising way “I look forward to hearing from you in the future then, because so far, I don’t know much about you.”

Buck swallowed. He wasn’t sure what he was willing to share, but Vera put up a hand, as if sensing his sudden uneasiness. “I’m not talking about your life story, Buck, although that’s welcome, but your personality is allowed out. You don’t need to keep it on such a tight leash.”

“Are you saying you’ve got no problems with me going off-leash, V?”

“Ah, there it is,” Vera opened her office door and they walked out together. “As for the veiled question in your question, if you see an opening, something you can do better, tell me. I’m responsible for you and the people we save. We all put ourselves in harm’s way on the daily, so I’ll hear out your ideas in the field.”

“She’s not kidding either,” a new voice joined the conversation as they walked across the station floor, heading to the change room, passing by the gym. 

“Thompson, put your damn shirt on!” Called a voice from inside the gym as the door swung shut.

Buck’s eyes flicked forward, taking in a fit, young, shirtless black man, probably only a year or two older than him. “Price Thompson,” he put out his hand for Buck to shake, but Vera smacked Price’s hand away, shaking her head, “Shower before you greet our new friend, huh? And put your damn shirt on, Thompson.”

“Aww, c’mon V, I’m just proud of my body.”

Price was obviously having fun with his captain and Buck wasn’t going to complain if the guy didn’t immediately put on a shirt. 

“I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, do I? ‘Sides, it’s not like I’m intimidating him, is it?” Price tossed the questions to Buck, who he might’ve thought would be stunned by them, but Buck wasn’t about to let some hot guy fluster him. Besides, there was a friendly twinkle in Price’s eyes that told Buck he wasn’t being mean-spirited or trying to test him. 

So, Buck shrugged. Looking back, he had no idea what made him do it, but the gym was hidden from the main street at this station, so he found himself dropping his bag on the ground and in an impulsive move, pulled off his own t-shirt. “If it doesn’t bother you man, it doesn’t bother me.” There was a moment, where Buck wondered what the hell he’d been thinking, but then Vera let out a snort of laughter and Price’s eyes seemed to bug out of his head, then a wolf whistle sounded from behind them, where a woman, with red hair and green eyes stood, clapping. “Well, done kid. Well done, on making Pricey here, speechless for a damn minute.”

She was probably Abby’s age, and put out a hand to shake Buck’s. He shook her hand on instinct. “I’m Taryn Weber.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m…”

“Buck. I know.” Her eyes caught on his tattoo. “Nice ink.”

“Th-thanks,” Buck stuttered over his response. 

“That’s the change room, by the way,” Taryn gestured with her hand, “See y’all upstairs.” Still chortling a bit Taryn took off. 

“You’re going to do just fine here, Buck” Vera got her laughter under control and gestured back at the change, “I’ll see you two upstairs.”

Suddenly, it was just Price and Buck, the former, grinning now at his new teammate. “I like you man, come on. Let’s get your stuff put away,” Price grabbed Buck’s wrist in a loose grip and tugged him over into the change room, as Buck snagged his bag from the ground. He tapped a locker, “This is yours.” 

Buck paused, then stepped forward to it, as Price fiddled with his own locker. 

“It won’t bite, man.”

“Yeah…”

“It’s a blank. You’re not taking over anyone’s locker,” Price came over settled over the locker next to Buck’s new one, a towel over his shoulder now. 

“Uh, good.”

“No problem, man.” Price tapped the lockers and then headed to the showers to give Buck a moment to breathe.

Upstairs, Vera, Taryn, and Tom ‘Teo’ Warren were settled around the table, cups of coffee in front of them.

“So, the kid’s here?” Teo asked, kicking his legs up on the bench to lean a bit more. 

“Yes, he is and he’s got some fire in him, thank god.” Taryn responded, leveling a kick at Teo’s legs. “Put your legs down, heathen.”

Vera rolled her eyes at them. 

“Yes. He seems a bit skittish, but he’ll be okay,” Vera commented, dumping sugar lumps into her coffee. 

“Thanks, V. I appreciate you asking for him.”

“Are you going to tell me why you wanted him here?” 

Teo rolled his shoulders and took a sip of his coffee “I went through the Academy with Bobby Nash and from what I’ve heard, his recent attitude leaves much to be desired. Plus, the kid’s got guts.”

“You’re not using him to cause Nash any hassle.” Vera’s voice was firm.

Teo put up his hands, palms out “No, not at all. I just think he deserves a place to heal. Nash got one in LA. I did too. Buckley deserves the same.”

“Amen,” Taryn lifted her mug up to clink it with Teo’s, and they all smiled.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More 106 goodness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own the 106 and they aren't evil, promise. I do not own the 9-1-1 characters.

Buck changed quickly for his shift, breathing evenly, trying to keep his thoughts from circling round and round. He wasn’t sure what kind of impression he was making, but so far, he didn’t feel threatened or unwelcome. As he shut his locker, he closed his eyes for a moment to ponder what it would be like to try and make a home here. Squads larger than five weren’t unusual. But try as he might, his mind called to mind his best times with the 118. Roughly jerking himself from those memories, he smacked his head on his locker.

The pain snapped him back to the moment at hand. He had one more squad member to meet and he needed to get his life in check. He had been the one to accept this transfer, so he needed to man up and make the best of it.

He appeared at the top of the loft stairs, hesitating briefly, but Taryn noticed him right away and waved him over.

“Coffee’s in the machine if you want it, kid,” Teo took another sip of his coffee, “I’m Teo; pleased to meet you.”

Buck recognized him on sight.

“You trained in Minnesota.”

“That I did.”

Buck’s mind halted, then rebooted, pulling out a less genuine smile than the one he’d had for Vera earlier. He nodded, then went to grab coffee, pausing before noticing something that made his breath catch. He heard Vera and Taryn chatting idly behind him, but he couldn’t focus on their conversation.

“Wilson, I think her name was, she brought it in this morning.” Teo was suddenly next to Buck, leaning casually against the counter as Buck looked at the mug in front of him. It was his, from the 118, the one he’d put back yesterday wondering when he’d get the chance to do so again. “She also left some cupcakes, red velvet. Taryn’s got a sweet tooth, I’ll warn you, but she hasn’t broken into them yet.” He nodded at the box behind Buck’s mug, from a fancy bakery in the city that Hen and Buck had found once when the latter had been looking for a gift for Maddie. “Seems like they’re going to miss you a whole lot.”

Buck swallowed; his throat was suddenly tight. The touch of home, of the 118, made him feel better, but he was confused too.

“They’ve screwed up royally, from what I’ve heard,” Teo’s voice was still conversational and calm, “And I’m not saying you need to forgive them. Trust isn’t easy to earn and it’s even more difficult to earn back, but don’t do anything rash.”

That made Buck chuckle “You must not know my record. I’m as rash as they come.”

  
“Never really heard it that way. Mind you, Nash and I don’t stay in touch, but the most I’ve ever heard through the firehoses and ladders, ‘stead of the grapevine, you dig?” he looked expectantly at Buck who nodded, finally reaching for his mug to pour some coffee for himself, “The most I’ve heard is that you’ve got a big heart and you act to save, not salvage from the wreckage,” Teo plucked the coffee pot from Buck’s hand after he’d poured a cup. “Not every firehouse can be your home, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be your friends. No pressure though.” Teo winked and then wandered back to the table.

Buck took another moment, running his hand over his mug and the box of cupcakes. He popped the lid open to look and sure enough there were over a dozen red velvet cupcakes, but there was something else too. A note stuck to the side of the box’s interior. Buck pulled it off, unfolding it quietly.

_The station won’t be the same over the next few months. We’ll miss you while you’re being badass and making new friends. Stay safe. Let them be good to you, unlike the way we have._

_Hen_

Buck wasn’t sure how he was meant to feel, but against his better judgement he felt a weak flutter of hope in his stomach. Maybe he’d made the right choice. Maybe he could get his family back, one day. Maybe they still cared. Maybe.

But for now, he had a new team to get to know and after tucking the note into his uniform pants, he turned back to the table with the cupcakes in hand and his coffee in the other. He placed the box in front of Taryn who narrowed her eyes and smiled.

“I heard you’re the sugar connoisseur around here.”

“She is!” Price bounded up into the loft, sweeping over to the table and settling in to lounge opposite Buck, next to Teo, “Go on Web, then we can all have a crack at it before the alarm rings.”

“You sure you don’t want the first one?” Taryn asked Buck.

“Nah, I don’t stand much on ceremony.”

Taryn assessed the treats, then happily selected one, after which everyone dug in.

“Some breakfast we’ve got going,” Vera remarked, “Please tell me that you’ve all had something more substantial than this before coming in?” She looked around the table, meeting everyone’s eyes as they nodded, except, “Buck?”

“Umm, yeah. I’ve got friends staying with me, making sure I eat before I dash off.” Buck was surprised he’d volunteered the information, but it didn’t feel wrong to share.

“Good to hear. Where are they from? Out of state?”

“Yeah, uh, Steve and Danny live in Hawaii at the moment. Danny’s from Jersey though.”

“What I wouldn’t give to visit Hawaii,” groaned Price, “Just beaches and sunlight all the time.”

“You live in Los Angeles, California!” Taryn reminded him, “We’ve got all of that.”

“It’s different on an island,” volunteered Buck, all eyes turned to him, not in an accusing way, but just to show their interest in his words, “The isolation makes it feel bigger and smaller, so being there feels different.”

“You travel a lot?” Price asked, reaching for another cupcake, taking some of the eyes away from Buck, “Peyton’s always planning getaways, but she hasn’t left the state yet.” He grinned at Buck, “She’s my sister and the one you’re here for.”

“How’s her recovery?” Buck asked, sincerely interested.

“She’s bored. She has seventy million Pinterest boards about how she wants to redo our condo and it has only been a few days, but she’s in less pain, so that’s good.”

“She’s staying with you?”

“We live together, kind of. We’ve got a few condos in the city and when we aren’t renting them out or using them for med school residents, social workers in the area etc. we live in them. But we’ve got a dedicated space, three bedrooms, including an office that we officially live in.”

“But you stay in the others too?”

“Got to make sure they’re up to normal living standards,” Price replied, “Honestly, the real estate is mostly Peyton’s gig, in addition to saving lives with us, but I come in handy with my…” he struggled with his words for a moment.

“You’ve just realized that you’ve got nowhere to go with that statement except handy with your handiness, right?” Taryn commented, smirking at Price who glared at her, but there was no heat behind his glare.

“Yeah, I’m pretty handy with tools. You ever do any reno work?” Price ignored Taryn to keep his eyes on Buck.

“I can be useful. I’m pretty decent with any type of manual labour or tools.” Buck shrugged. He’d done basic work at his house and heaven knows he’d done his fair share of demolition and improvisation out in the field, both with the 118 and Steve.

“Without it too.” Price replied, and Teo smirked at the comment.

Buck though was slow on the uptake, cocking his head in confusion.

“Pretty, with or without manual labour or tools; you’re pretty.” Price repeated himself, smiling at Buck’s confusion and finally, his realization.

Buck got it now and he wished all of his training at staying cool under pressure could have trained him to not blush, but it hadn’t and his whole face was turning red.

“Uh, thanks,” Buck hadn’t been actively flirted with, without expectations of a hook up to follow or anything else in… awhile.

“You’re welcome,” Price winked at him and then Vera cleared her throat.

“Alright, time for duties. Price, why don’t you show Buck around? Then you two can take care of stocking the ambo.”

Buck was still blushing, but he hopped to attention, idly collecting all of the mugs near him and bringing them to the sink for a quick rinse before turning to find Taryn at his side.

“I’ll dry those, thanks, Buck.”

He blushed again, realizing that he probably seemed overly eager to please and fit in. Taryn rested a warm hand on his shoulder, they were almost the same height, which was somewhat reassuring to Buck.

“You’re doing fine, kid. Now get, Price is waiting.”

He jogged over to Price, who was tapping out a text on his phone, then pocketing it, he led Buck downstairs and started a tour of the station. About fifteen minutes into it, as Price walked him over to the last exit he needed to know about the tour spiel paused and Price turned to look at Buck in the eyes. Buck tensed immediately, then forced himself to relax. He could prove he’d been listening, but when Price spoke it wasn’t with a question to test Buck. “Look, man, I didn’t mean to embarrass you this morning. I just figured with the shirt stunt and all… but assuming peoples’ comfort levels and implying knowing their sexual orientation, even subtly can be…”

“Whoa, dude, you’re worse than me with a rant.” Buck cut Price off, as he felt his shoulders actually relax. “First off, you didn’t embarrass me. I just haven’t had much experience with friendly flirting, you know the kind that doesn’t expect or lead to something else.” Price’s eyes widened a fraction and Buck got worried for a moment, “Because I’m really not in the headspace for a relationship and I’m kind of over hook ups, and… shit, now I’ve made this weird.” Buck hid his face in his hands, trying to get his thoughts in order.

“Damn, okay, maybe you were right. Your rants might not be as bad as mine, but they’re close, dude. And for the record, it’s a shame no one is putting the moves on you in a nice, wholesome way, but I’m spoken for. I’m just not blind.”

Buck breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Thanks. Again. I think?”

“So, bros?” Price put out a fist, and Buck shook his head amusedly before meeting the fist-bump. Price let out a breath too. “Thank, God. I texted Peyton while you were washing the dishes and she told me I was harassing you, so I just wanted to clear it up now.”

“Sisters can be scary, I get it. Mine’s short but intimidating when she wants to be.”

They continued on with the tour, trading stories about their lives and sisters as they wandered around, finally ending up at the ambulance. They were half-way through when the alarm went off and Buck paused, but as Vera dashed by them to the truck she called out to him “Hop to it, Buckley. You’re riding with us!”

Buck almost let out a laugh of delight.

He was back.

He was back doing what he loved.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more 106 stuff. Steve gets a phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1 or Hawaii Five-0. The 106 are mine.

As they rolled back into the station after their last call, Buck hopped off the truck with pep still in his step. While they’d responded to a lot throughout the day, blessedly none of the calls had ended in tragedy.

“Why are you so peppy, Bucky?” Taryn queried, climbing down out of the truck with less enthusiasm than Buck.

“Damn, why didn’t I think of that one?” Price asked, hopping down to stand with Buck.

“What one?” Taryn was idly re-braiding her hair, taking a moment to breathe.

“Bucky Barnes!” Price said, as if it was obvious.

“Teo’s always ribbing me about being Captain America and now it’s solid, because I’ve got you,” he clapped Buck on the back, hand resting lightly on his shoulder.

“You read comics?” Teo asked Buck as Vera dismissed them to get changed and go home.

“Never really did as a kid, but Christopher…” he stopped.

“Boyfriend? Nephew? Godson?” Teo rattled off options casually, as they changed.

“Umm, none of those. He’s the son, of a friend.” Buck wasn’t sure if he was allowed to call Eddie his best friend, despite their little conversation in the locker room the other day.

“So,” Teo didn’t miss a beat “Christopher reads them? He a Marvel or DC kid?”

“DC’s a bit dark for him, so it has basically been Marvel and Archie for him.”

“That’s cute,” Teo replied, and it didn’t sound condescending the way he said it. “Wish my son showed an interest in what his kids did but thank god for their mom. She’s a damn angel without wings.” He shot Buck a smile then closed his locker. “See you tomorrow, Bucky.”

“That’s going to stick isn’t it?” Buck said aloud.

“Probably,” Price agreed as he pulled on a shirt, “You don’t mind?”

“It’s not that different from my name now,” Buck pointed out.

“Still though,” Price started, but Buck waved away his concerns.

“I’m cool with it.”

“Teo’s son moved to the East Coast last year, ran off with some woman, leaving his kids and wife high and dry. He hasn’t spoken to his dad since then.”

“That’s awful,” Buck replied, “My… friend, his wife left and his son like that and then when she came back, well, she died in an accident.”

Price hissed and winced in sympathy.

“People can be shitty, especially when emotions are involved. Love sure as hell doesn’t make you invincible.”

“It doesn’t necessarily make you weak either,” Buck closed his locker, locking it for the night.

“Never said it did, but you’ve got to be careful with it.”

Buck nodded, his mind drifting to Eddie and Chris. He hadn’t been careful enough, was that it? Maybe.

Maybe. He thought back to Eddie’s text from last night. He hadn’t responded. Yet. But he should.

“You okay?” Price asked him as they walked out of the change room, resting a hand on Buck’s shoulder again.

Buck was about to shrug off the hand and reject the offer to listen, but he caught sight of Steve leaning against the car he and Danny had rented, and he thought about who he wanted to be. He didn’t want to regret being vulnerable, ever, even if it meant getting burned again.

“Just thinking about…”

“Your ‘friend’?” Price’s implied air quotes around the word friend were emphasized, but the teasing lilt in his new friend’s voice was light, non-judgmental.

“That obvious eh?”

Price nodded.

“Well, if he’s not paying you mind then he’s being ridiculous.”

“It’s more complicated than that,” Buck protested.

“Is it? Or are you making excuses for him? Unless, you’re avoiding him too?”

“It isn’t all one-sided. But he’s just a friend. He doesn’t want… not me… and I can't take the chance... it's heavy”

“Yeah, your rants are bad, dude.” Price squeezed his shoulder, “Do you want to have dinner with me and Casey, tonight? He won’t mind.”

“Another night? I’ve got people here to pick me up.” Buck gestured at Steve and Danny.

“You can bring them?” Price offered, “Or we can rain check it. Try to chill a bit tonight, okay? Promise?” Price extended a pinky to Buck who looked at it in amusement. “What?” Price defended himself, “You look like the type who’d take promises seriously.”

Buck put out his pinky and connected it with Price’s shaking. As he did, he thought back to when Nate had told him something similar once. He’d been young and a bit high off of lack of sleep, and he’d asked Nate what he thought about marriage. They’d only been dating for a few weeks at the time, but he’d been tired enough to not care about the implications of his question.

_“It depends,” Nate had told him, “But marriage is a promise. One you’re supposed to keep for life, and only some people see promises as important.”_

_“But promises are important.” Buck had muttered in an apparently adorably confused tone, at least that’s what Nate had told him._

_“I know they’re important to you, sweetheart. You’re important to me too.” Nate had brushed a kiss over his forehead, then pulled him onto their makeshift couch and soothed him to sleep._

“You’ve got that right,” Buck replied to Price, “I’m looking forward to meeting Casey soon.”

“He’ll be excited to meet you too, Bucky. Now, go home with your friends, and maybe call your boy huh?”

Buck blushed, but nodded, heading off toward Steve.

“How was your day, pup?”

Buck tossed his bag to Steve, who caught it. “Good.”

“Yeah?” Steve’s eyebrows went up and his lips quirked up into a smile.

“Yeah.”

Steve dropped Buck’s bag and crooked a finger at him, pulling his pup in for a tight hug.

“Good for you, pup. Good for you.”

“Thanks Steve,” Buck pulled back first, then his hand darted out, grabbing the car keys from Steve, “Now where’d you leave Danny?”

“Home.”

“Then, home it is. I’m driving.”

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

*Earlier that day at the 118*

“Did you text him last night?”

“Good morning to you too Chim,” Eddie murmured as he started to change.

“Eddie?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“And?”

“Chim!”

“Eddie?”

“Sorry. He hasn’t texted back.”

“He will.”

“How do you know?” Eddie leaned his forehead against his locker.

“Because even though we don’t deserve it, he cares.”

“Why did we do this?” Eddie tapped his head against the locker, tempted to do it harder he stepped back, “Why did we do this to him?”

“We were dumb.”

The alarm rang.

“Let’s go, Diaz!” Chim called as he headed out to the truck.

“Coming!”

By the time their shift was over Eddie was exhausted, but he dragged himself up to the loft to convene with the rest of the squad to check in.

“Hen, any word?” Bobby asked, leaning back in his chair.

“A quick thank you text came through in between our calls. Sounds like there were a lot of calls around the city today, so they were probably just as busy as us.”

“Eddie?”

Eddie pulled out his phone to check. He almost dropped his phone, because Buck had texted back!

“Well, that answers that question,” remarked Chim.

“Shut up,” muttered Eddie as he opened up his texts, opening up Buck’s text, “Damnit Buck,” he groaned as he read through the text.

_Sent to Buck: We’re not angry, Buck. If you need this, we’ve got your back._   
_Sent from Buck: Maybe that’s what got us into this in the first place. Watch your own six for a bit; stay safe._

“Well, you’re right, he doesn’t trust us.” Eddie told the squad, then he dropped his head into his hands, biting back the urge to punch something, a pillow even. Then he froze, rereading the text. “Six?… he’s dropping into military speech,” he looked at his friends, “Maybe he’s subconsciously trusting us, revealing stuff without realising it?”

“Maybe,” Chim said.

“Or he’s testing what we know,” Bobby interjected.

“Do you know anyone at the 106, Bobby?” Hen asked, “Maybe you can check in with them, in a week or two?”

“I’ll look into it. One day at a time, guys, we can’t afford to rush this, not with Buck.”

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

Two more shifts went by, with Buck accompanying his new squad on calls. They worked in a good rhythm. He paired up with Teo on partner work and found the older man definitely had stuff to teach him. He was excited to be going back to work again and to be learning new things.

On Thursday night as Danny, Steve, and Buck found themselves in an intense game of Scattergories Steve’s phone rang. Buck’s body tensed as did Danny’s, and the moment Steve picked up the phone, and automatically switched it from his right hand to his left Buck knew. He stood up, gesturing to Danny to grab their stuff “I’ll drive you to the air-field and return your car.”

“Buck, you don’t have to,” Danny started to protest, then stopped at the unimpressed look on Buck’s face “Fine, fine.”

As Steve paced and muttered in the background, “Hey, Danny,” Buck said, halting the detective in his tracks, “Wish we could’ve met under better circumstances, but thanks. For everything.”

Danny turned around and strode over to Buck, then pulled him into a hug.

“No problem, Buck. Call us, okay? I want to stay updated, on everything.”

Buck bit his lip, but Danny’s hard stare brooked no argument.

“Alright, you got it, Danno.”

A harsh sigh came from the living room, “I’ll handle him,” Buck said, “Go get your stuff.”

“Steve,” he started as he walked back into the room.

“I’m sorry, pup.”

“What do you have to be sorry about? Go save the world. I’m not drowning right now, Steve. You helped me get onto dry land.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone…”

Buck cut him off, “I’m not alone. I’ve got a squad and a therapist, plus, some people that might’ve been and might still be family. This is my home, for better or worse.”

Steve pulled him into a hug like Danny had “You’ve always got a place at our table too, pup.”

“I know, Steve. We’re ohana.”

“And ohana means family.”

“That it does,” quipped Danny, suddenly reappearing “We heading out? What’s the case?”

“You can talk in the car, c’mon,” Buck opened his front door and gestured for them to go ahead, “You grabbed all of your flash bangs, right Steve?” he asked as the man walked by him. The former SEAL pulled a face but nodded.

“Has that happened before?” Danny asked, curious.

“Oh, yeah,” Buck replied, “Remind me to tell you about it another time.”

As he locked his door he reflected on how quiet his house was going to be for the next little bit, but he found, that although he would miss Steve and Danny, he was looking forward to figuring out just who he was – in his home, at his job, and in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, bear with me as Danny and Steve go back to Hawaii for a few chapters. I need to set some stuff up without them in the vicinity. They'll be back, promise.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some 106 interactions. Some 118 interactions. A Hawaii Five-0 phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own the 106, not 9-1-1 or Hawaii Five-0.

A full two weeks went by before anyone at the 118 saw Buck in person again. But they stuck to their schedule, with Chim having texted him on that first Saturday. Buck had replied that he was out with Maddie, but he was sure his sister would need wine and pasta after a day out with him. 

Buck and Maddie eventually decided to forgo their planned movie night that weekend, but when Maddie got back to her apartment, she received a delivery – with wine and pasta – paid for by Chim. After phoning Buck, who readily admitted to telling Chim when she’d get home, Maddie texted her boyfriend. They’d met for coffee on Sunday. Well, they’d met at a coffee shop and Chim had bought Maddie a coffee and a brownie. She had thanked him, then proceeded to glare at him for an hour. Chim counted this as progress. They’d made plans to do it again next weekend, because Maddie can and will hold a grudge on behalf of her brother any day. 

On Tuesday, Bobby elected to call Buck, instead of texting him. 

Buck answered on autopilot, “What do you need, Cap?” juggling the phone as he cracked eggs for pancakes for the 106. 

Vera, who had just come in for their morning shift quirked an eyebrow, but Buck was so focused on his cooking he didn’t register her. She settled in at the table to listen, figuring the conversation was obviously fair game if Buck was taking it in a public setting. 

Bobby, of course, had winced. Buck hadn’t called him Bobby again yet, and it hurt more than he cared to admit. 

“Just checking in, kid.”

Buck’s shoulders tensed, then forcibly relaxed. 

“I’m pulling my weight here, if that’s what you’re asking.” Buck’s tone was flat as he responded. 

Bobby didn’t even know what to say to the kid. That Buck would would automatically think he was actively monitoring his progress for any reason other than to make sure Buck was safe hurt him. “I know you are. You always do.”

“Alright then,” Buck cleared his throat as he reached for flour, still mixing ingredients as he talked to Bobby.

“Buck, I meant what I said last week. We’re not going anywhere,” Bobby paused, only for a moment then plowed on, “May wants everyone together for a dinner, maybe a movie night. To help get her mind off of acceptances. When are you free?” 

“Oh,” this made sense to Buck now. He and May were close, of course Bobby would feel compelled to ask him. “Why didn’t she just text me?”

Bobby sighed, then realized how that would sound to Buck on the other end of the line, “She’s pissed at us, rightly so…”

“So, this is your punishment?” 

“No.” Bobby’s voice was firm. “I want you there. The squad does too. May’s thing is so I have direction, because apparently I lack that in conversations, sometimes.”

Under other circumstance, Buck might’ve laughed at Bobby’s resigned tone, but he didn’t, because this was still so damn confusing for him. 

“Buck? Are you still there?” Buck had paused for so long that Bobby was concerned. 

“Yeah, Cap. I’m here. How’s…” he paused in his cooking to scroll through his calendar app, as he did, he caught sight of Vera. He shot her a quick salute with two fingers and kept scrolling “How’s two weeks from this Friday?”

Bobby slotted it into his calendar, sharing the date on the Buck Buckley Defense Squad group chat and sending it to May too. 

“That works. See you around 5:30pm?”

“Fine.”

“Buck?”

“What?”

“If this is too much you don’t have to,” suddenly, Bobby wondered if they were pushing him.

“Oh my god,” muttered Buck, a bit louder he said calmly, “If you don’t want me there, tell me.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Bobby started to argue.

“Cap, I don’t know what you want from me. We haven’t talked, really talked in months. That goes for the rest of the 118 too. But now…” Buck took in a deep breath and started to carefully pour pancake batter into a pan, using the practice to soothe his frazzle calm “Now, I’m hearing from all of you. It’s like emotional whiplash, okay? And I can’t figure out if you’re doing it because you feel guilty,” Bobby made a pained noise, but Buck kept talking, “or you really want to fix things. I don’t know what’s real right now. So, I’ll be there in two weeks, but if this is some weird penance shtick, tell me sooner rather than later. Stay safe.” Buck hung up the phone, tossing it onto the counter, while also flipping a pancake. 

“Emotional whiplash,” Vera commented, “Good language.”

Buck huffed out a sigh “Thanks, V.”

“From your therapist?”

He nodded.

“You’ve told us more than you’ve told them.” It wasn’t question but a statement. 

A nod and another pancake flip.

“Why?”

“We don’t have history. You’re meeting me now, but they knew me then.”

“But that you wasn’t really you, was it?”

“No. I made a conscious choice not to be me.”

“And you’ve definitely still got secrets, which I’m not trying to suss out,” she put up her hands to ward off any defensiveness, “You say you don’t trust them, but part of you wants to.”

“I wasn’t aware you also had a degree in psychology.”

“You’ve met, Penny,” Vera replied, referencing one of her two partners, both of whom Buck had met last Friday night at the 106’s favourite karaoke bar. 

“True, I should’ve known y’all would psychoanalyze me.”

“Trevor gets in on it too, and he’s got a minor in psychology.”

“And a JD, I remember.”

“We’re here for you, Bucky, whatever you need.”

“Just like that? You barely know me. Hell, I basically just admitted to withholding important parts of my identity from my family and you’re here for me?” He started stacking finished pancakes on a plate. 

“Yup. That’s how friendship works.”

“Interesting.”

Vera stood up and lifted two pancakes off of Buck’s stack. 

“Not all friends are family, but they’re trying. What’re you going to do about it?” 

“I don’t know.”

“Yeah, you do. You just accepted an invite to hang with them.”

“One night won’t fix things…”

“But will it help?”

“I’m not sure I can hurt more, so probably,” Buck admitted as he finished plating the pancakes and shut off the stove. 

“Alright then, so let it happen and see how you feel afterwards.”

“I guess that’s all I can do, huh?”

Vera nodded, then started tearing her pancake into little pieces, not bothering with a fork or knife. “These are super fluffy, by the way, Bucky. If they were alive, I’d adopt them as my new pets.”

“If Bucky’s pancakes were alive, they’d be green,” Price had come in for his shift. 

“Green?” Vera’s response was confused to say the least. 

Buck chuckled, “He’s referencing Soylent Green, the dystopian movie. At least I hope he is?” he turned to Price who nodded, mouth already full of pancake. “At least use a plate you glutton.” Buck shoved a plate at Price, who happily piled three pancakes on it. 

“Soylent Green is people!” Price cried, clutching his pancakes close to his chest as he fell into his spot on the bench. 

“Dork,” Buck and Taryn said at the same time as the latter appeared in the loft too. 

“Yeah, people, not puppies,” was Teo’s addition as he bypassed Taryn, who was selecting a pancake and poured himself a cup of coffee. His hand snuck out to grab a piece of Vera’s pancakes, but their captain pulled her plate back with an unimpressed look. 

Buck had to smile as he watched the 106 interact. Things were chill with them, casual and comfortable. But it didn’t quite fit, not like the good times at the 118. What he’d said to Bobby was true, he was scared and confused, but part of him wanted to fight for the family they’d been, for the family he wanted. 

Vera tossed a piece of pancake at Teo, who caught it in his mouth in an unexpected show of agility. 

And if he gained new friends along the way to regaining his family, well, Buck wouldn’t be unhappy with that outcome. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1  
It was Friday. Two weeks from that Tuesday and Bobby was stressed. He had been stress baking all afternoon, May volleying between enjoying his franticness and assisting him. 

“Has anyone confirmed with him?” that was Athena’s voice, about half an hour out from the evening’s events. 

“I did,” May, Eddie, and Hen said simultaneously, Eddie definitely blushing, but Hen looking proud. 

“Okay then,” Athena smiled at them, softly, then went back into the kitchen to check on her husband. Bobby was staring into a pot of mashed potatoes like it would reveal the secrets of the world to him. 

“Bobby?” Athena’s voice was soft as she snuck into his space, leaning against the counter to look at him.

“What if he’s doing this out of pity for us?”

“I’m not ruling it out as a possibility,” Athena replied as she ran a reassuring hand over Bobby’s shoulders, “But I think it’s unlikely.”

“He has lied to us about worse, ‘Thena.” Bobby continued to avoid her gaze, glaring the potatoes into submission. 

“Bobby,” just then Bobby’s phone rang. 

“Hello?”

“Bobby?”

“Who is this?” Athena’s stance shifted from relaxed to interested.

“Tom Warren, you were putting out feelers about the 106, remember?”

Bobby swallowed. He knew Warren. Warren knew him, back then. 

“Yeah,” Bobby’s voice cracked on the word. 

“Well, I work with your kid now. And he’s right decent. He’s coming over, right? Tonight?”

Bobby nodded, then remembering he was on the phone, confirmed Tom’s question with a noise of acknowledgment. 

“Today was rough. He’s okay, physically, but it was a shit call. We’re partners now, but you’re family. So, watch out for him, okay, Nash?”

“You got it, Warren.”

“And Bobby, I’m just trying to help him get a fresh start, like we did. I’m not here to stir up old history.”

Bobby found he could breathe again.

“Thank you, Tom.”

“No problem. And they call me Teo.”

“Thank you, Teo, then.”

“Cheers.”

Bobby hung up the phone, finally moving his gaze from the potatoes to Athena. 

“Buck had a rough call today. That was someone from his squad.”

“You two know each other?” Athena was sharp. Bobby nodded, seeing no sense in lying. 

“We went through the Academy together. Didn’t know he’d come out here. We weren’t close, but I remember him being a good person, solid. Good for Buck to have someone like that watching his back.”

“Better than some of the people you’ve had in recently.”

Bobby huffed in agreement. There had been two unsatisfactory replacements at the 118 already over the past two weeks and they were getting another on Monday. 

“Don’t remind me. I miss Buck’s competency.” Bobby turned away from the counter with Athena only to find Buck standing there, bottle of Perrier in hand and flowers. “Uh, hi. May let me in.”

Bobby took a moment, just to look at Buck. The weight loss was still evident, although getting better. The dark circles under his eyes looked about the same. He shifted under Bobby’s gaze and Bobby snapped back to the moment, walking forward, wanting so badly to hug Buck, but at the last moment, Buck put his hands out, extending his offerings and creating distance. “It’s good to see you, kid. You’re looking a bit better,” he took the Perrier and the flowers, passing the latter off to Athena. 

“They’re lovely, Buckaroo. Thank you.” 

Buck’s smile was a bit strained, but genuine. 

She lifted them to her face, smelling them. “What are they?” She asked offhandedly, not expecting a response. 

“Gladioluses and white heather,” Buck replied. 

Athena looked at him in surprise, raising an eyebrow. “What do they mean?”

“Gladioluses represent strength of character and white heather for protection,” murmured Buck in response shifting again, favouring his injured leg a bit as he did. 

“Take a seat, kid” Bobby murmured, gesturing to a chair, “Didn’t know you knew about flowers.”

Buck shuffled a bit, hesitated, then sat. “Someone taught me, a while back.”

“I’m going to put these on the table,” Athena remarked, unsubtly leaving Bobby and Buck alone for a few moments before the rest of the squad realized he was here. Bobby figured May had organized it that way. 

“I meant what I said, just now. About you.”

Buck shrugged off the words, clearly uncomfortable.

“I just got off the phone with Tom, Teo…” Bobby corrected himself and he watched Buck’s jaw clench and then release, “Said you guys had a rough day.”

“Yeah.”

“We’re glad you still came.” Bobby just wanted Buck to look at him. He walked over and crouched down in front of Buck’s chair, forcing the kid to look at him “I’m glad you’re here.”

Buck swallowed, roughly. 

“Thanks, Cap.”

Anything else Bobby might have said was drowned out by the loud cry of “Buck!” as both Christopher and Denny skidded into the kitchen. Bobby watched as Buck went from looking like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders to lighting up like a Christmas tree. He tugged Chris and Denny into a hug, standing up and pulling them both up off the ground, making them giggle.   
He carried them out into the dining room, where everyone was filtering in as Athena arranged his flowers.

Eddie paused, looking at Chris and Buck, Denny had run off to get his moms, and he couldn’t help but smile. As Buck set Chris down in a seat, his eyes glanced up, meeting Eddie’s and for a moment, Eddie couldn’t breathe. He hadn’t seen Buck in person in two weeks, but he hadn’t been close to Buck in a while. All he wanted in that moment was to be able to go over and pull them both into a hug. 

Buck nodded his head at a seat on the other side of Chris, not smiling, but not glaring. Eddie took a closer look at Buck as he approached the indicated seat, noting how tired the other man seemed to be but how he looked a bit better than he had a few weeks ago. 

Chris redirected Buck’s attention, picking up a conversation from a previous video chat earlier in the week about a recent science project, which Buck fell into with ease. 

Conversation was a quiet rumble around the table, as May eventually pulled Buck into a conversation about college, or tried to “Don’t do it, May,” Buck’s voice had a teasing lilt to it as she opened her mouth “Don’t obsess. Your applications are in and out of your control. Don’t be me.”

“Well, what did you do when you were waiting to hear about yours?”

Buck ignored how the rest of the squad paused, because the kids didn’t notice. They knew a bit about what his life had been like in high school. 

“I played a lot of basketball. Read a lot of books. Listened to a lot of music.”

“So, you were boring.”

Buck let out a barking laugh. 

“You’ve got me there,” he replied, picking at his food. He wasn’t exactly hungry, but he’d made sure to take something to keep Athena and Bobby off his back. He knew they’d jump on it, though he wasn’t sure whether it was out of love or guilt. 

“Maybe I should take up basketball,” May remarked.

“If you do, I call your first game.”

“Deal,” May said, cocking her head challengingly, “You’re on, Buckley.”

“How long did you play?” Karen asked, and Hen made to grab for her wife’s hand, but Buck surprised them all by responding, calmly.   
“Throughout all of high school.”

“Damn, your dad must’ve loved that,” Karen responded and Bobby dropped his knife, clanging against his plate. 

“He wasn’t one for sports,” Buck replied, calmly, then Chris jumped in “So who went to your games?”

“Maddie, when she could, buddy. Although she’s pretty unsure of the rules even now, but shh,” Buck made an exaggerated shushing sound, “Don’t tell her I told you,” he winked at Chris who giggled. 

The conversation pivoted and the squad relaxed a bit, but they all stored this new information about Buck for discussion at a later date. 

As dinner wound down, and Hen started collecting plates, Karen gathered the kids into the living room. Buck followed Hen into the kitchen, Eddie following them. 

“Go ahead, Buck, we’ve got this.”

“Not a chance, Hen. Go sit with your kid,” Buck was already at the sink, fixing Hen with a firm look. 

As she opened her mouth to protest, Buck spoke again, “Please, Hen.”

“Fine, but next time, you relax.”

“Sure.”

“Promise?”

Buck turned from the sink, Hen’s question making him think of his promise to Price and his promises to Nate. 

“Promise.”

Hen nodded, sensing the seriousness in Buck’s tone and taking it at face value. 

Buck turned back to the sink, filling it with hot water. Eddie came over, grabbing a dishcloth to dry with, “Don’t even try to send me out there and leave you here alone.”

“I can do this one my own…”

Eddie cut in before he could hear Buck potentially call him Diaz again.  
“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should have to, Buck.” He reached out for the soap, putting some into the water rising in the sink, a splash of water made Eddie jerk his hand back. “Damn, that’s hot, Buck.” Not the context he’d ever imagined saying those words, but he had said them, while he turned the water down a notch. 

“Sorry.” Buck stepped back, but Eddie didn’t want Buck to go away. 

“Hey,” Eddie reached out, just stopping himself from touching Buck because he wasn’t if that was okay, “Hey. It’s okay. It’s just dishes.”

“Is it?”

“Buck?”

“Nothing.” Buck rubbed the back of his neck and then rolled his shoulders. “It has just been a long day.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“You want to talk?”

“Fair point, but yeah, with you I always want to talk.” Eddie realized how vulnerable that made him sound, but he didn’t care, “Part of why I was a dick during the lawsuit. I just missed talking to you, Buck.”

“Therapy’s really helping, huh?” Buck quipped as he continued to wash dishes. 

Eddie chuckled, surprised that Buck was being this… chill, but then he realized, Buck had neatly dovetailed his question about whatever was bothering him. As he opened his mouth to ask the question again, Buck’s phone rang. He dried his hands briefly on his jeans, pulling out the phone. 

“Danny? What’s up?” Buck stepped away, leaning casually against the cupboards as he took the call. Eddie paused, recognizing the name, and wondered if he should leave, head out to the movie that they’d already started for the kids. But instead, he turned to the rest of the dishes, slowly and quietly working through them as he listened to Buck’s side of the conversation. It wasn’t super informative, but it didn’t sound like a bad situation either, so that was good. Hopefully, less stress for Buck.

“Is Steve there?” Eddie’s ears perked up and he listened even more carefully. “Yeah, I’m trying. No. No. No, I haven’t bought a new one yet and no, I’m not accepting a hand carved one from the island. No, thank you. Yeah, I’ll you later alright? Say hi to Gracie for me. Bye.”

“What haven’t you bought yet?” Eddie asked, as Buck turned back to see that Eddie was almost done with the dishes, so as if on instinct he grabbed the dishtowel tucked into Eddie’s back pocket and began to dry the dishes. 

“Sorry about that,” Buck started to apologize. 

“No, don’t worry about it. Are Danny and Steve back home?”

“Didn’t get the sense any of y’all got along,” Buck murmured. 

“They had your back when we didn’t; I’m thankful for them,” Eddie replied, once again, thankful for his sessions with Frank.

“Yeah, they’re back in Hawaii.”

“So, what haven’t you bought for your new place?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“Didn’t sound like nothing. Sounded like it could be something hand-carved even,” Eddie pressed, lightly, but Buck stayed quiet, “I could just guess.”

“Good luck with that, Diaz.”

His last name rolled off of Buck’s tongue and hit Eddie, hard.

“Sorry,” Buck murmured.

“No, it’s okay. I mean you transferred for distance right and that makes us distant.”

“I transferred to rebuild trust, Eddie.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Buck let out a sigh, “Yeah.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so Bobby & Buck angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1. No beta. We die like men.

Things didn’t get easier exactly, but they didn’t get worse.

A month went by after that first movie night, complete with more awkward 118 team dinners, check-ins, and yet Buck found himself still thoroughly confused. And tired. While his old team was trying to do something, his subconscious had definitely not latched onto the hope that was tentatively taking root in Buck’s heart.

Buck woke up screaming. Again. And again.

His nightmares flickered through memories and contrivances of his mind.

His father and Bobby interchanging in his mind. It was bad enough that he had avoided being alone with the man the last time they’d all gotten together. It was too much.

But that wasn’t his only nightmare. Hot blood and even hotter sand drove his temperature up as dreamed of Nate, bleeding to death in his arms. Some nights it was Eddie, instead of Nate. Those nights Buck wouldn’t even try to go back to sleep, instead he would bolt from his house, just barely remembering shoes and he’d run, run until his heartbeat was the only thing he could hear in his head.

The worst ones though were of Christopher, of losing him in the tsunami, of losing him out of stupidity and immaturity. He usually couldn’t move after those, he’d just shake and sob, staring unseeingly out of the window seat.

He still showed up for work though. Ready for danger. Ready to make a difference. Vera talked to him after a particularly grueling 24hr shift, but he’d assured her that he had mentioned it to his therapist, that they were working on ways to help him beat this too.

“Have you tried sleeping in a bed since your first night there?” Ben’s question wasn’t unexpected or uncalled for, but Buck found everything was setting him on edge.

He had to grit his teeth from letting out a growl of frustration. Or a sob, he wasn’t sure which reaction he was trying to keep from Ben. It didn’t matter, Ben noticed.

“No.”

“Why not?”

That was a sob trapped in his throat. Buck swallowed, once, twice, three times, before he opened his mouth only for no sound to come out.

Ben waited, then spoke quietly “The last time, the first time you did, you told me that you had a dream. You were very specific that it was a dream. Do you remember?”

Buck wanted to scoff, of course he remembered. He remembered when he’d first bought the house. He’d been working on finding it and buying it before announcing his full return to the station. The night he’d gone to Bobby and Athena’s he’d just closed on it and gotten the keys. He’d wanted to ask Athena’s opinions on paint colours and ask Bobby if he’d help him pick out some kitchen supplies. But then, well, Bobby had said his piece.

He’d gone home that evening, mind spinning, deciding on the lawsuit as a stupid kneejerk reaction. He’d sunk into that bed, mind whirling with pain and sadness and then he’d fallen into a dream. Such a wonderful one too.

Eddie had been there, with him, in that bed, curled up around him. Like Buck was someone who deserved protection and love. Christopher had crawled into Buck’s arms at some point too and they’d just been resting there, like a family.

Then it had shifted. It had been Buck’s living room, alive with people, the 118, Athena, Maddie, and all the kids. Bobby had pulled Buck into the kitchen where they worked together, the former ruffling Buck’s hair occasionally, all while they talked about his house, the family he’d built, and how proud Bobby was of him.

Buck had woken up the next morning convinced that his family would have his back, they would be angry, but they would back him in his stupidity, because they’d see he needed them to catch him as he fell. Of course, they hadn’t. They’d closed ranks.

So, when Buck had gone home that night his head had barely touched the pillow before the lies of that dream tried to pull him into slumber.

He hadn’t slept in that bed since that day. He’d only gotten around to getting rid of the bedframe and mattress a week ago though. Buck had waited until he’d gotten a call from the local women’s shelter that helped survivors of domestic violence move into safer homes.

“I remember,” Buck croaked out to Ben.

“Have you considered buying something new? Splurge maybe?”

Buck shook his head. He couldn’t, not right now.

“Steve offered to send me one, from the island, but I don’t want it.”

“Buck, you need to start sleeping better and that’s not going to happen in a window seat, no matter how large and comfortable.” Ben sighed, leaning back in his chair. “How’s the study? Still full of boxes?”

“Yes.” Another response from gritted teeth.

“You know, Buck, that this house will be a monument to your spiralling and destruction if you don’t take advantage of it. You do know that, right?”

As Buck opened his mouth to tear into Ben, the man’s eyes flicked to the clock. “Looks like we’re done for this week, Buck. Go home.”

Ben got up and opened the door for Buck, staring him down. Buck left.

He was still keyed up, antsy. As he left the building and got his Jeep, he decided to go out furniture shopping, that would show Ben he wasn’t living a damned half-life. But he couldn’t make himself go in the store. He sat in a parking lot for an hour, before admitting defeat and rerouting to the grocery store.

As he drove, he let his mind sort through his emotions, or attempt to sort through them. It’d been just over seven weeks since he’d transferred to the 106 and while he’d had short interactions with his former team there hadn’t been prolonged solo exposure to any of them. Even Eddie. Carla had brought Chris over to his place to bake cookies or build with Legos, or Buck would go with them somewhere, but he always made himself scarce at the actual Diaz house. The same could be said for Bobby and Athena’s place. He was scared of sinking back into a comfortable space and then having it yanked away again. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop. For them to decide that he wasn’t someone they wanted to bother with anymore.

He found himself inside the grocery store with a basket as if on autopilot. His thoughts a running current inside his head, until “Buck?”

It was Bobby. Just Bobby.

Buck’s mind ground to a halt. What was the protocol here?

“Hi.”

Bobby’s eyes took in Buck’s hunched shoulders, his hands, shaking slightly, his eyes a bit unfocused.

“Kid, you okay?”

“Yeah, long day. Therapy.”

Bobby hummed in agreement, moving a bit closer to Buck, who backed up seemingly unconsciously. Bobby was worried, so it didn’t surprise him that his next words were “I’m home alone tonight. Want to come over for dinner? I could use the company.”

Buck’s forehead creased, in confusion and then, his eyes coming into focus a bit, concern. Bobby didn’t look okay to him. He felt a pull inside him, telling him to look after Bobby, to say yes.

“Sure.”

Bobby barely supressed his surprise.

“Come on then,” Bobby beckoned him, gently taking Buck’s basket “Let’s get your stuff and get out of here.”

Buck shook his head. Make Bobby feel better, that was something he was sure he could accomplish today; if he grinned and laughed the right way, he could help. He didn’t need anything for himself at the moment. He wanted to help. He needed to help someone.

“S’okay, wasn’t important.”

“Buck. Are you sure?”

“Course, I am, Cap.” A touch of bravado in his voice.

Bobby winced but covered it by turning to his cart and pushing it toward the checkout. He tried not to grimace as Buck’s affected personality emerged fully as they processed his groceries. If Bobby hadn’t seen Buck a moment ago, he’d never have guessed that the kid was having a rough go of it. This Buck had a smile plastered on his face, jokes for the checkout clerk, and then, as if it was second nature, tapped his card on the pin pad as Bobby readjusted some of his bags before grabbing for his wallet.

It wasn’t until Buck had looked at him expectantly after pocketing the receipt that Bobby realized he was staring. He wasn’t sure if he was in awe or just broken-hearted at how easily Buck seemed to slide into this version of himself.

“What?” Buck’s tone was a smidge too casual.

“You paid for my groceries.”

Buck shrugged “Consider it repayment for all the food you’ve made me over the years,” he started to push the cart out to the parking lot, leaving Bobby a bit stunned.

“I took an uber here. Athena and May took the cars. Harry’s at a sleepover” Bobby told him, so he redirected himself and the cart to his Jeep.

“Yeah, at Denny’s with Chris,” Buck replied absently, a smaller, more genuine smile on his face as he loaded up his trunk.”

“Should’ve known you’d know,” Bobby murmured, picking up the last bag, then grabbing the cart before Buck could and returned it. By the time he moved back, Buck was already in the driver’s seat, so he got into the passenger’s seat, buckling up without a word.

Buck drove in silence, which unnerved Bobby just as much as Buck’s almost seamless switch between seemingly falling apart and turning on his old charm. But Buck didn’t seem inclined to break the silence, so Bobby did “I don’t need to be paid back, you know.”  
“Huh?” Buck had been running through all of the reasons this was a stupid decision and only caught the tail end of Bobby’s sentence. He outwardly winced at his response, which would have definitely earned him a smack upside the head from his father in the past. Quickly, he cleared his throat and sat up a bit straighter “Sorry, Cap. I didn’t catch that.”

“You don’t need to repay me, for anything, Buck. The groceries,” he geared up to hold a real conversation, but Buck waved his words away.

“Just take it, Cap, please.”

“No!” Bobby’s voice was a touch louder, “Repayment, it’s like you’re trying settle debts before you move on.”

The Jeep was silent.

“Are you?” Bobby breathed as they coasted to a stop at a red light.

“Am I what?”

“Trying to settle up with us?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“One that’s looking for a straight answer.”

Buck stayed silent as the light turned green and he moved forward.

“Buck, I know we haven’t talked much, at all, over most of the year, but kid, we’re trying.” There was a note of pain in Bobby’s voice and it made Buck’s heart twist. He was disappointing Bobby, again. Would he never learn?

“I know, Cap. I know you are and I appreciate it, a lot.”

“So, are going to answer my question?”

“Why can’t I do something because I want to?”

“Do you want to? Or do you just want to help us, because you think that’s what we want from you?”

Buck could feel his skin prickling. It was like he was back in Ben’s office, one wrong word away from yelling or sobbing.

“I don’t have an answer for you.”  
Buck drove the rest of the way to Bobby and Athena’s in silence.

Bobby opened the front door and they unpacked the groceries in silence.

It was unnerving for Buck, who usually associated silence with an impending assault, verbal or physical. This wasn’t a good place for him to be in right now, he couldn’t be here, around Bobby as images of his nightmares rattled around in his head, contesting with the image of the man in front of him. As Buck brought the last bag in, he left it on the table, fiddling with his keys anxiously.

“Come on in, Buck.” Bobby’s voice was so comforting, and Buck wanted nothing more than to sink into it. He wanted to trust it, but he was all over the place emotionally. While he’d wanted to help Bobby, he wasn’t sure sticking around would actually help.

“Actually…”

“Put the keys down, Buck. Stay.” Bobby was still his captain and his body did as it was ordered. Buck knew how to follow orders, when it was the right person issuing them.

“Okay.”

“Sit,” Bobby gestured at a chair at the island and it struck Buck how similar his kitchen was to Bobby and Athena’s. He’d wanted a piece of them in his house obviously. He sat, watching Bobby prep a stir-fry, thinking idly that he was in the same place Maddie was when he cooked. He wanted to offer help, but wasn’t sure if Bobby’s hospitality or kindness, whatever this was, would extend that far.

“How’s Maddie?” Bobby asked, tone light, not pressing. He was trying, Buck figured he could reciprocate.

“She’s alright. She’s talking to Chim now. Short sentences, but it’s something.”

Bobby chuckled “I know. I think he told everyone about it last week.”

“He mentioned her talking about paint colours. Is she redecorating?”

“No, I am.”

“Do you like your place now?”

“It’s…” Buck paused, thinking back to Ben’s words about how his house could easily stay just a house, a shrine to his pain and how Steve, Danny and Maddie had all pointed out that it lacked a sense of him, “It’s not home yet.”

“If anyone can make a home you can, Buck.”

Buck wanted to ask what Bobby meant, but didn’t have the words, thankfully, Bobby kept speaking “You helped bring us all closer. You always looked out for us, tending to the little stuff, keeping us whole with care and kindness. We got used to it,” Bobby swallowed thickly “And we took advantage of that.”

“Cap, no.”

“I told you a few weeks ago that what we did, what I did wasn’t right. I need you to understand that.”

“I don’t know how,” Buck murmured, too quiet for Bobby to hear.

“Have you been eating?”

Buck’s hackles were back up.

“Of course. I won’t put the 106 in danger.”

“I know you would never put anyone else in danger, but you’re not the best at looking after yourself, Buck.” Bobby’s voice was soft and Buck felt the prickles on his skin subside a bit.

“Sorry,”

“Don’t apologize. You don’t need to, not with me. Not over this.”

Buck shut his mouth, tightly.

Bobby turned to plate up the stir fry to see Buck, lips tight, shoulders hunched, and eyes on the counter in front of him.

“Buck, eat.”

Buck looked at the plate Bobby put in front of him, his stomach rumbled.

“Please, eat.

“Thanks, Cap.”

Bobby pulled up a stool next to Buck, but made sure he wasn’t angled in a way that would box Buck in.

Buck knew he needed to extend the next olive branch; he knew how this worked in theory. “Is that cider vinegar in the sauce?”

Bobby’s eyes were surprised, but his lips quirked up in a smile. “Yeah, instead of white vinegar.”

“It’s good, Cap.”

“I’ve been experimenting. Trying to prepare May for life on her own, even if it’s only in residence. Although, Athena’s not too sold on rez life.” He inclined his head toward Buck as if sharing a secret “and to be honest, I’m not sold on her going into residence either.”

“Maybe she can find somewhere, live somewhere off-campus?”

“That’s be ideal, but I doubt it. Between me, Michael, and Athena, I doubt we’d find a place that’d pass our muster and May’s.”

“You never know,” Buck nose twitched, but now wasn’t the time to float his basement apartment as an option.

“True,” Bobby replied, nodding, scraping the bottom of his plate, “Eddie brought in some cookies the other day, said you and Chris baked them. They were really good.”

Buck smiled. “Thanks,” he reached out for Bobby’s plate automatically.

Bobby took a chance, reaching for it too, pulling his own plate and Buck’s to himself. “You did the dishes the last time you were here, and the time before that. Let me.”

Buck let go. He stood up, but before he could even start to make an excuse to leave Bobby said “There’s a hockey game on, want to watch with me?”

Buck did, he wanted to stay, so he took a deep breath and nodded.

Soon, Buck and Bobby were settled in the Grant-Nash living room, the hockey game playing on low. Buck had tucked himself into a chair and Bobby had taken a corner of the couch. Bobby watched Buck out of the corner of his eye, watching as Buck’s eyes closed then opened. He said nothing, hoping against hope that Buck would trust him enough to sleep, even for a little bit. Athena was out of town for the day and night on a course, and May was over at a friend’s too. So, he kept watching the game, but if asked he’d never be able to tell anyone a single detail about it.

Buck knew he was tired. He knew he should leave. But he was comfortable and fed, and so very tired. His eyes fluttered, but somehow, despite his misgivings and his fear, his subconscious felt safe here.

Bobby watched Buck’s shoulders relax, as he slowly fell into sleep. He let out a breath and watched Buck sleep. It felt like when his babies first came home and all he wanted to do was watch them exist – breathe, sleep, or stare – he wanted to see it all. It was beautiful and peaceful, but Buck’s sleep didn’t stay that way for long.

_“You really think we’re doing this for you,” Bobby told him, tone cold as he looked through Buck from across the desk in his office, “You’re not worth that. We just need to feel better.”_

_“Bobby, don’t say that, please…” Buck pleaded._

_But the Bobby in his dream laughed, harshly, even as Buck stood up, walking around the desk to try to and actually look Bobby in the eyes. A well-placed kick, almost lazy in its swing, took Buck’s legs from under him, making him crumple and whimper in pain. Bobby loomed over him._

_“Go back to your house that’ll never be a home. You don’t deserve this one, you never did, and I’ve just been trying to figure out how to tell you.”_

_“I can be better, promise you…”_

_Bobby’s fingers gripped his chin, if it hadn’t been a dream, they would’ve bruised him, “No, you can’t be. How many times do I have to tell you, Buck? You’ll never be good enough. Not for my house. Not for my family. Are you listening to me? Buck? Buck?!”_

“Buck?!” A hand was on his face and another shaking his shoulder, Buck startled awake, pushing away the hands, mind not caught up yet to anything else. He knew he was in a chair, that his breathing was way too fast, and that someone else, a threat? Was here too. There was a hand in his peripheral vision again, and the sound of words he couldn’t fully process filtered through his mind. He steadied himself in a moment, then launched himself with his bodyweight back, tipping the chair, tucking and rolling away.

At the first whimper, Bobby had snapped the television off. He watched Buck, watched him twitch and then, his name, a plea so pained Bobby’s breath caught. Fuck. He’d known peripherally that Buck was having nightmares, but about him, caused by him. He didn’t know what to do, should he wake him? Risk startling him? Words filtered over his thoughts, in the end Buck’s whimper of “I can be better, promise you,” made him get up off of his couch and instinctually, he cradled one side of Buck’s face, shaking his shoulder lightly with his other hand, calling his name.

It happened in a split second, one moment Buck was in the throes of his nightmare, then there was a screech, a thump, and Buck was behind the chair, looking for all intensive purposes like he was ready to flee.

“Buck!” Bobby raised his voice, not in a harsh tone, but he still watched Buck freeze. He strode over, quickly, but didn’t dare reach out yet, noting the glassy look in Buck’s eyes. “Buck,” he whispered, crouching down, putting his hands out in front of himself, palms out, “You’re safe, here, son.” His mind scrambled for something, anything to help, but Buck, wonder that he was, was already working to crawl out his state.

“Five,” Buck muttered, moving back an inch from Bobby, “Five.” He closed his eyes, picturing his five touchstones. He knew that wasn’t how it worked for most people, but Buck wasn’t most people. “Five,” he repeated again, “Tags. Flowers,” his hands went from his neck to his side, resting over his tattoo from Nate “Flag. Smile. Truck.” Buck’s hands uncurled, but they didn’t stop shaking and his didn’t move his unfocused eyes from Bobby, still obviously feeling threatened. “Four. Four. Sand. Heat. Knife. Bullets.” Buck licked his lips, breathing shallower and less frantic. “Three. Wheels on the road. Waves. Laughter.” His breath regulated even more, his eyes shifting, flicking left then right, “Two. Fire. Salt.” His eyes shut, breathing slowed, “One. Blood.” His whole body curled protectively into itself for a moment, then he made to get up, but Bobby, who hadn’t moved an inch while his kid talked himself down from a panic attack made to grab onto Buck’s still shaking hands. Buck jerked back and his eyes cleared, completely.

Bobby will never forget the unadulterated terror that overwhelmed Buck’s face and infiltrated his eyes in that moment. “Buck…”

“Fuck,” Buck curled away from him, backing away, but Bobby didn’t want to let him out of his sight, and he moved over to Buck quickly, even as the younger man tried to hide his tears.

“Buck…”

“Just say it!” Buck yelled, the volume jarring, “Tell me I’m weak! Tell me you don’t want me! Tell me, god, just tell me!”

Bobby didn’t say a word, he just leaned over, slowly, telegraphing his movements, to wipe the tears from Buck’s cheeks. Still, Buck flinched. Bobby didn’t know that his heart could break like it had after he’d lost Marcy and the kids, but he felt like his heart was being pierced with an ice pick, over and over.

“Never. I will never tell you that, kiddo. Because you are one of the strongest people, I’ve ever known. I will never not want you in my house, as my family.” And then, he opened his arms, hoping, and Buck, who was so tired of running from what he craved, fell into them, sobbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this isn't totally forgiveness, but it's a start.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Buck & Bobby angst and comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1.

Bobby kept his arms tight, but not tense as he pulled Buck into a hug. As Buck shuddered and sobbed, Bobby carded a hand through his kid’s hair, murmuring reassurances but never shushing him. Buck’s ability to feel so openly and vulnerably had always been awe-inspiring to him and this moment was no exception. 

He didn’t know how long they sat on the floor together, but eventually, Bobby felt Buck’s shaking lessen. As Buck made to pull back, Bobby tightened his grip minutely, asking without words for Buck to give him another moment of this, of them together. Buck relaxed and let them be, without fidgeting or tension. But Bobby wanted to talk and he knew he wouldn’t be letting Buck go off into the night if he could help it, so he gently pulled back, still keeping his hands on Buck’s arms, letting Buck know that he was by no means pushing him away. 

“Kiddo?” Bobby wasn’t sure why that was the first word he said, why he hadn’t said Buck’s name, but it was out there now, hanging in the air between them. 

Buck drew in a deep breath, held it, then let it out. His meditative breathing obvious in the silence of the house. His gaze focused on the floor as he breathed in and out, again, and again, until a shaky “Yeah?” made its way past his lips. 

“You’re not going back to your apartment tonight. You’re going to stay here. Okay?”

Bobby didn’t want to order him, but he felt it absolutely necessary to keep Buck here, under his eyes for another few hours. 

“Okay, Cap.” Bobby’s fingers twitched and tightened at the title that Buck employed even now, air catching in his throat. 

“Shit,” Buck swore as Bobby remembered he was still holding onto Buck, that he could’ve hurt him and as he moved to pull his hands back Buck grasped one of Bobby’s hands in his own. “Pops, breathe.”

Suddenly, Bobby felt his breath rush out in a gasp of surprise. Buck’s eyes were watching him, serious and concerned, as if he himself hadn’t just had a nightmare and panic attack. “Breathe.”

Buck’s hands had stopped shaking, the one loosely grasping Bobby’s tightened reassuringly. Bobby found his breath again. Buck smiled, just slightly, then tipped his head back, closing his eyes for a moment. “I should’ve left,” he muttered, more to himself than to Bobby. 

“You shouldn’t be dealing with this alone.”

“I shouldn’t be laying it at other people’s feet either.”

“What if it was me? Or Chim? Or Hen?”

Buck brought his head back up, an argument on his tongue but Bobby shook his head. “It’s the same thing, Buck, because you are family. I’m not taking that back, no matter what you throw at me right now or in the future.”

Buck’s eyes were so guarded and yet, so hopeful. “You know, you keep saying that Pops, and I might believe you one day.”

“Then I’ll say it every day.” Buck met his eyes, then nodded once, and let go of Bobby’s hand to push himself up off the floor. 

“You should get up,” Buck extended Bobby a hand, which the other man gladly took. Once Bobby was standing, Buck let go, sidestepping the man to survey the chair he’d tipped and, in a quick movement, righted the chair. He knelt, running his hand over the flooring. 

“Buck?”

“No visible damage,” Buck stood up, ducking his head “but if you notice…”

“I don’t give a damn about the floor, kid.”

Buck sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Let me guess, you want to talk?”

“Only if you will too.”

Buck looked up, surprised.

“I don’t want you to suffer through more because of me and you hate lying, so it’s your call. It’s your choice.”

“I’m a great liar,” huffed Buck, as he fiddled with his watch.

“I didn’t say you weren’t, but it eats at you, right?”

Buck sighed, dropping onto a corner of the couch, pulling his knees up. “I’m not going back to sleep anytime soon, might as well talk.”

Bobby sat one cushion away on the couch “We could sit in silence” he offered.

“You don’t think I could?” Buck teased, lightly.

“I seem to be constantly finding out that you’re even more capable than you let on, so no, I wouldn’t rule it out.”

Buck nodded, a blush tinging his face at the compliment. “What do you want to know? And don’t say whatever I’m willing to tell you. I’m looking for a real answer.”

“What did you call your father?” 

Of all the questions in the world, Buck couldn’t have predicted that one. He had to cast his mind back, thinking “Nothing,” he decided upon, then bobbed his head to the side as if shaking loose a memory, “If he remembered I was there and wanted me to address him it was ‘Sir’ only. Called him ‘Pops’ once, to rile him up and piss him off.” Buck’s lips twitched in the ghost of a smirk, eyes darkening a fraction, then he pulled himself out of it. “I mean what I say, when I say it.” His gaze pinned Bobby, his body language tensely at odds with his calm tone. “If I wanted you pissed at me, I wouldn’t say it.”

“When I told you that you weren’t ready to come back, it wasn’t about you. I was scared; I wasn’t ready for you to be back in the thick of it all,” Bobby spoke in measured phrases, making sure each of his words landed properly, “Buck, kid, I let my heart cloud it all; I just couldn’t face seeing you in another hospital room, not on my watch.”

“I’m sorry, Bobby,” Buck offered, genuinely contrite, but Bobby waved away his apologies. 

“I should’ve manned up and talked to you about it, instead I treated you like a child. And while I see you as my son, you’re also a grown man who deserves to make his own decisions.”

Bobby’s words caused the flutter of hope in Buck’s stomach to flap and stretch his wings. But he had to be sure that this wasn’t a dream or a tactic. “Bobby, why are you telling me this now?”

Bobby cocked his head, eyes searching Buck’s face for an indication of where his kid’s head was at, and a soft smile broke over his face. “It’s something I should’ve told you months ago, but you don’t have to take my word for it. The Chief knows,” Bobby rubbed the back of his neck, an ashamed expression on his face, “He called me out on it after you started the suit and again once you dropped it.” Buck rolled his shoulders, fingers itching to fiddle with something. 

“That lawsuit really wasn’t my finest hour, or the best choice,” murmured Buck, “I should’ve just talked to you.”

“I’m not sure I would have been in a good frame of mind to listen, son,” Bobby replied, “But even before all of that, I told Athena. Back when we first started dating, I told her why you are so important to me, you can ask her.” Buck looked relieved at Bobby’s words and he couldn’t be happier to be part of the reason Buck was comfortable. 

“That’s not all you want to know,” Buck spoke softly too. It was later now, the sun had set, but there was muted light from one of the lamps in the room, “Ask, Bobby. If I don’t want to answer it, you’ll know.”

“When you talked yourself down from your panic attack earlier,” Buck nodded, showing no outward signs of disagreeing with Bobby’s line of questioning, “that’s not usually how that tactic works. They’re pre-determined, from when you worked with McGarrett?”

“Yeah,” Buck scrubbed a hand over his face, “I figured Athena or Eddie would have something to say about Steve, so I’m not surprised you know, for the record.”

“We don’t really know much,” Bobby cut in “Not yet.”  
“Yeah, I had a bad disassociation once in Egypt and after that,” Buck took a deep breath “after that my boyfriend at the time insisted I pre-determine them so we could run through them together. Next bad spot we found ourselves in, we picked some and again, until we had them all. Mine switched over time, they aren’t all happy memory triggers, but I give the push and pull of emotions to get me back online.” 

“Thank you for telling me. For being honest with me, Buck.” 

Bobby moved over on the couch to ruffle Buck’s hair, because he could, and because it brought a smile to his kid’s face. 

“And, thank you for being open with me. No matter who you love, we’ll always love you. I’ll always love you.”

“Thank you, Bobby” Buck’s eyes were clear, but his lip trembled for a moment, then he pulled Bobby into a tight hug, which the other man returned. Buck pulled back, a bit of hesitancy in his body language again, as if he had a habit of pulling away from physical affection, a habit that Bobby had no problem divining the origin of. So, Bobby fixed him with a firm look and said, in no uncertain terms, “Your father was an asshole and if he wasn’t already dead, Athena and I would take a road trip out to Pennsylvania to pay him and unwelcome visit.”

Buck ducked his head, shy at the affection being directed toward him, but Bobby was content to just ruffle his hair again. 

“Why didn’t you tell me, when it happened?”

Buck shrugged “It wasn’t planned exactly, but when I joined, I was in a lot of pain. I lost someone and I didn’t want anyone getting close, although that clearly worked out well” he shot Bobby a look then looked away “and so, I chose to be happy go lucky Buck. And that Buck, well, he didn’t have parents, not until you and Athena, so I just didn’t want to bother y’all with my real life.”

Bobby hated that he and Buck even had loss in common, although he didn’t push at the identity of his kid’s loss. “So, you figured we didn’t want to deal with your emotions if they weren’t goofy or happy?” Bobby asked, watching as Buck nodded, he drew Buck in for another hug “I’m sorry we didn’t give you a safe space to process your emotions.”

Buck nudged Bobby’s shoulder with his head, content to rest in the embrace for a minute or three. “It wasn’t your fault, I made the choice not to try and be too personal, although that went down the tube rather fast once I met you, Hen, and Chim. I have a tendency to make everything personal.”

They sat for a moment in silence, Bobby letting Buck out of the hug, but keeping him by his side.  
“Ask me, Bobby,” Buck said eventually, “Just because I probably won’t sleep again tonight doesn’t mean you should too.” 

“How long…” Bobby started, then broke off, he started again, “How long have I been…” his voice cracked, and he shivered, but before he could try again Buck murmured beside him. 

“Since the night after that dinner here, before the lawsuit I mean everyone had made appearances, my mind’s a pretty twisted place, but…” Buck trailed off.

“How are you here right now? Sitting here with me?” Bobby choked out the words.

“I don’t let my nightmares rule my life, Cap.” Buck’s voice was cooler and calmer “I made peace with having demons running amuck in my mind years ago.”

“You were scared of me. Earlier. And that day that McGarrett showed up.”

“Those aren’t questions,” Buck told him.

“Are you scared of me, Buck?”

A muscle in Buck’s jaw twitched. He bit his lip. Bobby watched for tells he didn’t know. He watched and waited. 

“Sometimes. Sometimes, I can’t process the difference. You meld into my father or he melds into you. Sometimes, there’s a tone that sends me right back to my childhood, to basements and backhands. To fear.”

Bobby could feel tears silently falling down his face. 

“But you didn’t know. It’s not your fault.”

“Buck, kiddo… I’m sorry,” Buck opened his mouth to protest but Bobby talked over the noise of complaint “I should’ve seen, something. I hate knowing I’ve put you through hell. I never want to see you look like that again, but you don’t have control over that. I want… no, I need you to feel safe Buck. What can I do to help you feel safer?” 

Buck’s eyes were wet with tears as he looked at Bobby, a sad, half-smile on his face “That. You can do that.” Bobby blinked confused, Buck swiped a hand over his own face, dashing off the tears that had fallen already “You can care. You can ask. And if I know of something, trust that I’ll tell you. Trust me when I say you’re important, I love you, and I know you, the you in front of me, isn’t the person in my nightmares. It’s a caricature of my fears. So, if you stay by me, maybe it’ll melt away and if it doesn’t”

“I’ll be here, just the same,” Bobby promise, pulling Buck to him, pressing a kiss to the kid’s forehead, “I love you, kid.”

“Then we’ll get through this, Pops. Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the slow healing begin!


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The third act of Buck & Bobby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1.

“Will you stay? Just for tonight.”

Buck nodded even before Bobby finished asking his question. 

“I know you said you probably wouldn’t sleep, but the guest room’s all yours,” Bobby gestured down the hall, Buck smiled, softly. 

“There’s a first time for everything. I’ll try my best.”

“You never do anything less,” was Bobby’s reply.

“Bobby, tonight… whatever you want to tell Athena, I’m okay with it.”

Bobby opened his mouth, ready to protest and remind Buck that his life was his to share, but Buck held up a hand. “I told Maddie the same thing when she went to go see all of you that first time. We’ll probably all sit down at some point and everyone get their answers, but I’ll miss things, so I’m just telling you now. You can talk to her. You should talk to her. I won’t have you keeping secrets from each other.”

“Okay. If you’re sure…?”

“I am.”

“Okay, kiddo.”

“Go, call her; you need her, just like she needs you,” Buck directed Bobby to his and Athena’s room with a gentle shove, “I won’t leave without letting you know.”

Bobby nodded, but instead of heading to his room he took another step back toward Buck, pulling him in for another hug. He felt Buck sink into the hug after a brief moment of tension, something he filed away to think about later on. 

“Night, kid.”

“Night, Pops.”

And Buck stepped away, heading off to the guest room. Bobby didn’t move until he saw the door close and the bedside lamp turn on. Only then did Bobby head off for his own room. As he got ready for bed, he let the events of the evening hit him and he wanted nothing more than to crawl into his bed and sleep off his emotional exhaustion. As he flopped onto the bed his phone lit up with a call from Athena.

“Hey,” he said as he picked up the call, pushing himself up into a half sitting position.

“What’s wrong?” Athena’s voice queried and Bobby couldn’t help smiling at how well she knew him.

“Nothing,” and Athena hummed in disbelief, “Well, not nothing… Buck’s here, at the house.” 

“Is he okay?”

Bobby didn’t really know how to answer that question in a way that wouldn’t worry Athena, but his pause apparently spoke volumes. 

“Right now he’s safe though?” Athena’s voice was concerned.

“Yeah. We talked.” He huffed out a laugh, talked did little to describe the emotional tumult they’d gone through, but that’s all he had for the moment. 

“Talked?” Now Athena sounded both fond and unimpressed with his vocabulary. “About the weather or something more substantial?”

“About his father.” A sharp inhale from Athena, but she didn’t interrupt. “He told me I can tell you what happened, but I’d rather do it when you’re at home.”

“Where is he now?”

“Guest room.”

“So, I guessed you’re back in our room.” 

Bobby hadn’t even thought of it, but yes, he’d needed comfort and he’d come back to the room he shared with his wife. They’d slept separately quite often over the past few weeks, out of guilt, anger, frustration, and other issues.

“I missed you.”

“I love you too, Bobby,” Athena sighed, “I suppose if our son is grown up enough to face his issues we should fix ours, huh?”

“Yeah?”

“I mean it. We’ve all bounced between being too close out of fear of losing another to being too far apart out of anger over Buck transferring.”

“We’re going to be okay, Athena. He is too. No matter that tonight was tough, but he’s tougher than all of it,” a note of awe was present in Bobby’s voice and Athena smiled even though he couldn’t hear it. 

“You should try to sleep, Bobby.”

“I’ll try. I love you, Athena.”

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

Buck knew the moment he entered the guest room that it had been used recently, which piqued his curiosity. Picking up a pillow, his eyes darted around even though logically he knew no one was watching, and he sniffed it. Hen’s jokes about him being a golden retriever darted through his head, but he pushed them aside to focus on the scent. Bobby’s aftershave, a comforting scent for Buck, but why was it in the guest room? Then it clicked. His team, his family had been fracturing too. He closed his eyes, hand gripping the pillow tightly. He’d caused them pain maybe… no. He couldn’t go down the what if route tonight. He didn’t have the energy to dig himself out of a spiral of despair, not to mention spiraling in Bobby’s house, again wouldn’t be a good idea. 

Carefully, he replaced the pillow on the bed. It wasn’t like he was going to sleep on the bed anyway. He settled on the ground, back against the wall, facing the door and pulled out his phone, flicking to his Books app, and started on his latest Rick Riordan read. He had only had about six hours to kill anyways. 

Around five o’clock, he heard Bobby get up and pace a bit before finally deciding to head down into the kitchen. Buck shook his head at Bobby’s antics. He stretched and decided to join his captain, creeping downstairs quietly, but he made sure to alert Bobby to his presence in the kitchen by clearing his throat. Bobby was still startled. 

He looked almost surprised at Buck’s presence, but then his surprise melted into a pleased smile. 

“You stayed.”

“Promised, didn’t I?”

“True. You’re the type to take promises seriously.”

“Too many people don’t.”

“Coffee?”

“Sure.”

“Not sure I’ve got grass-fed butter though.”

Buck chuckled. 

“It’s not my norm.”

“So, why that day?”

Buck took the offered cup of coffee, taking a moment to breathe it in and wake up his brain. 

“It grew into a comfort sort of thing, I guess. Steve does it a lot and we lived together for a decent amount of time, it rubbed off on me. It reminds me of that time, being safe and protected. I hadn’t ever had that before.” Buck took a sip of coffee, trying to hide his blush of embarrassment as he realized how much he’d actually revealed in that moment.

Bobby though, was delighted. Buck was here still. Buck was talking to him. Buck was being open and talking about his past. He couldn’t keep the grin off of his face, thankfully, Buck wasn’t looking at him.

“So, you and McGarrett…” he trailed off just as Buck took another sip of coffee. Buck choked on his coffee, coughing and laughing, waving away Bobby’s concern. 

“Shit! Bobby!” he coughed again, but his breathing was coming back under his control again. “No. No. Never. Never, you hear me?”

“Buck, it’s okay…”

“It’s not that, Bobby, trust me,” Buck was laughing now, “but Steve and I, we were never together. He’s like a brother, seriously. We lived together because someone needed to keep him from running off of every damn cliff without back up and I needed a place to stay.”

“Oh,” Bobby replied, now a bit embarrassed but it was worth it to learn more about Buck. “Wait, so you’re saying you’re the more responsible one between you two?” Bobby looked suspiciously at Buck who shrugged. 

“Steve’s a bit of an animal,” Buck replied, picking up his coffee again, “He’s fierce and protective, and while I’ve definitely flirted with death, Steve has damn well asked her to dance.”

“Flirted? You call what has happened to you up until now flirting with death, seriously kid?”

“I’ve been in worse spots before, Bobby.”

“When we actually have this conversation, I’m going to need a vat of hot chocolate and cookies to get through it aren’t I?”

“I’ll make you flan,” Buck joked, leaning up against the kitchen cabinets, sipping his coffee. 

“Are you staying for breakfast?”

“You just want to watch me eat,” Buck accused him, eyes narrowed teasingly. 

“So sue me, I care” Bobby tossed over his shoulder as he grabbed the eggs from the fridge, not thinking through his words until he put the eggs on the counter. Buck was frozen, mug clutched tightly in his hands. 

“No thanks, it didn’t really work out well for me last time,” he tried to make a quip back, but his knuckles were turning white, then he took in a deep breath. “It’s okay, Pops. We’re okay,” Bobby hadn’t realized he’d moved over to Buck, hesitantly reaching out. Buck put down his mug, opening his arms to Bobby this time. “We’ll be okay, Bobby.”

“Marcy used to tell the kids that hugs were the best medicine for sadness,” Bobby muttered as he hugged Buck. He didn’t know why that had popped into his head at the moment, but he didn’t regret sharing it. 

“Sounds like you got a type, smart and compassionate,” Buck replied after they pulled apart. 

“Yeah, I guess I do,” Bobby cleared his throat, “So, breakfast?”

Buck’s phone went off just then and when he checked it his eyes widened, then he typed out a quick text. 

“Rain check? I promise I’ll eat, but I’ve got to meet someone. I’ve got a delivery coming this morning,”

“At 5:30am?”

“6 am,” Buck told him, “but I need to clear some stuff away before it comes in. I’m not bailing on you, Bobby, I swear.”

“I know, kid. Just make sure you eat something okay?”

Buck nodded, draining the last bit of his coffee, moving to put it in the dishwasher. 

“Before noon, Buck.”

“Yeah, brunch or whatever.”

Bobby shook his head at Buck, amused. He walked Buck to the door, but before Buck could open the door, he put his hand on it. 

“Buck, where does this leave us?”

“On the road to recovery, I hope,” Buck admitted, tying his shoes, “back to being a family.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Drive safe.”

“Always, Pops.”

And Buck was gone, off to his Jeep. He hated leaving Bobby in a potentially vulnerable state, but this safe had been special ordered through a military contact he had, and he couldn’t just reschedule its drop off. Still, he dropped a text to May to check in on Bobby when she got home that morning.

Bobby closed and locked the door, feeling like a part of his heart had just left, which he knew it had. Buck was his kid in all but name, and he was glad he’d finally told the kid how much he meant to him. Deciding to leave breakfast for a moment, he ventured down to the guest room, unsurprised to find it neat and tidy. Almost like it hadn’t been slept in, he thought idly as he ran a hand over the covers. A prickle of concern took root in his mind, but it wasn’t something he could solve right now, so sighing, he turned and headed back to the kitchen.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May & Bobby / Chim & Maddie / Price+Casey and Buck content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own NF or 9-1-1. I own the 106 and their partners.

May pulled into the driveway a little after six-fifteen, having left her friend’s house early after receiving Buck’s text. She wouldn’t tell Buck she’d left early, because he didn’t need to feel guilty about anything. She also had to admit that she and Bobby were overdue for a talk too, so she figured this morning was the best time for it. 

As she opened the front door to the smell of cooking food and coffee, May called out “Morning!”

“May?” Bobby appeared in the foyer, confusion obvious on his face, “Is Sadie okay?”

“Yeah, just figured I’d come home a bit early.”

Now, Bobby wasn’t her mom, but he was a Captain in a LAFD and he had a good sense for bullshit. He quirked an eyebrow at her and she decided to fold, figuring it wasn’t worth lying about. 

“Buck texted me.”

“Oh…”

“He cares you know.”

“I know.”

“You made breakfast?”

May dropped her bag in the front entrance and made her way to the kitchen, passing by Bobby.

“Uh, yeah. Crepes. You want some?”

“Please,” May went to grab a mug from the cupboard and poured herself a half cup of coffee. 

Bobby eyed her mug but didn’t say a word. Instead he just passed her the milk from the fridge. She filled the rest of her mug with milk, stirred it with the back end of her fork, and then gratefully took a plate of crepes from her stepfather. 

“Thanks Bobby.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You going to sit with me?” May inquired as she settled into a seat. 

Bobby looked surprised but did as she asked, after pouring himself a fresh cup of coffee.

“So, when’s my brother coming back to the 118?”

Bobby just stopped himself from spilling his coffee. May looked amused but kept talking “You’ve got to know Harry and I have been claiming him as ours just a bit longer than mom. Obviously, he has been yours for longer. I’m glad you talked.”

“I… how…” Bobby couldn’t wrap his head around May’s words, he was confused about how all of this had happened in the space of a day and morning. 

“He texted me and I quote ‘To look after Pops.’ Which is cute, let me tell you.” May remarked, smiling as Bobby’s face broke into an un-repressible grin, “We’re good, Bobby. In case you were wondering.”  
“I’m glad, May. It didn’t feel right not having the whole family together.”

“It’s not going to go back to the way it was,” May pointed out, cutting up another piece of crepe.

“No, May, it’s going to be better.”

“Cool. Can’t wait,” May replied, then went back to her food.

Bobby looked at her, thinking about how lucky he was to have kids like May and Harry in his life. “I missed the game last night, want to watch a replay with me?”

May looked at him, surprised, then nodded. “Yeah, alright.”

Bobby nodded at her half coffee half milk concoction. “If you want any more of that, you’re going to have to get it before your mom gets back.”

“And when’s that?”

“Around nine o’clock.”

“Sweet.”

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

Chimney hadn’t been expecting Maddie at his door, especially not at nine o’clock on a Saturday morning, but once he’d confirmed it was her, rubbing sleep out of his eyes and blinking rapidly, he’d pulled open his door. 

“Maddie?”

“Can I come in?”

“Of course,” Chim stepped back in, letting her pass by and remove her shoes. 

“I want to talk,” she said, “about us, about everything.”

“Okay.”

“Do you have coffee?”

“Not yet… Do you want to go out? Or, I could order in?”

“I’d rather stay here.”  
“Okay. Umm, just let me get my phone.”

Maddie nodded, biting her lip, obviously a bit nervous. 

“Go, go sit, I’ll be right back,” Chim dipped out of the room, then popped back in a moment later, “Right back.”

Maddie let out a giggle.

Chim paused, then shook himself, remembering that he needed to go get his phone. 

Maddie curled up on Chim’s couch, looking around as she listened to her boyfriend rush around his bedroom, probably trying to tame his hair and everything else he did when he panicked. He skidded back into the room, phone in hand, panting, eyes widening in surprise as if he hadn’t expected Maddie to still be there. 

“Umm… what do you want to eat?”

Maddie fixed Chim with a look and he couldn’t help but grin back “Chocolate chip pancakes with a latte. Why did I even bother asking?”

“I’m not sure,” Maddie replied, her tone light as Chim flicked through his phone and placed their breakfast order. The moment he set down his phone though, he didn’t know what to do, luckily Maddie helped. “Sit down, Chim. Please.” She patted the spot next to her and Chim dropped into it.

“I’ve put you through a lot these past few weeks,” Maddie started, and Chim didn’t want to interrupt her, but he had to the moment those words left her mouth.

“Maddie, we deserved, no, we still deserve it. Me most of all.”

“I just want to know why you lied to me,” Maddie admitted, twisting her hands in her lap.

Chim hesitated, then reached out to clasp her hands in his “I shouldn’t have, let me just say that upfront. I shouldn’t have lied to you, or Buck. I also shouldn’t have lied to myself and pretended that we weren’t hurting Buck when I saw we were.” He sighed, but Maddie gave him time to get his thoughts together. “Hen and I spent so long with just us against others it felt good to know I wasn’t the one being singled out. I had people to stand with and stand by… I just ignored that in the process, I was hurting the people I love,” he squeezed Maddie’s hands once and then kept going “I saw him alone. I knew he was hurting, but I didn’t do anything. I lied to you, because I knew it was wrong. And then, I just got in so deep with it that I didn’t know how else to live. He, he didn’t fight back like he had before and that should’ve been my first clue that he was really struggling but I stayed quiet. I’m so sorry, Maddie, for lying to you. I’m sorry for not protecting your brother like he’s my own. I’m sorry for not protecting Buck, because he was family before you ever got here, and he had my back through some of the worst moments of my life and I abandoned him.”

Maddie could tell Chim was just picking up steam, but she found she didn’t need to hear the rest. She’s heard what she needed to, he loved her, he loved Buck like a brother, he was sorry, and he knew what he’d done was wrong. 

“Howie,” Chim cut off in the middle of his next sentence, “I believe you and I love you.”

“Maddie, I don’t…”

“Let’s not start this again, no more I don’t deserve love or forgiveness, or whatever else. I’m not happy with how you handled this, at all. I need us to work together to get through it though, if you want that too?”

“I will always want to work through difficult situations with you. I will always want to be by your side.”

Maddie sniffed, eyes teary, but no tears fell. 

“Okay, then.”

The doorbell rang.

“We can keep talking over breakfast?” Chim asked, hopefully as he moved from the couch toward the door. Maddie stood up too, catching his hand, and gently pulling him back to her. She tipped his head down to kiss him, lightly. 

“Yeah, over breakfast, and lunch, and dinner.”

“All I want to do is talk to you,” Chim confessed, looking breathless after their kiss. 

“Same,” Maddie replied, eyes twinkling. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

“Yo, Bucky! What is this place?” Price’s voice called out as he spotted Buck walking toward him and Casey as they stood in line outside of a non-descript building in downtown LA. 

Buck beckoned them out of the line and headed to the front of the line, just nodding at the bouncer at the front. 

“Dude, this place has a vibe,” Casey commented as they walked into walk looked like a club, but without the crazy flashing lights, just the comfortable couches and a well-stocked bar. The weirdest thing about it was the ring in the centre of the room, “Is that a boxing ring? Didn’t take you for underground fighting, Buckley. Also, if that’s what this is, I’m not”

“It’s not an underground fighting ring. It’s not even technically underground, but its clientele likes that vibe. It’s all legal. It’s a rap club.”

“And not just any rap club,” Casey clapped his hands in excitement, pointing at the logo on the ring floor, “This is Quartermasters! How the hell do you know about this place? And how did you get in like you own it?”

Buck bit his lip, then pulled out a necklace on the end of it hung dog tags, NF engraved on them. 

“You’re…” Casey started to ask as Price seemed struck speechless.

“No, I’m not him, well, not all of it, but I’m the only one left standing from the group, so…”

“Bro!” Price exclaimed, “That’s so fucking awesome.”

Casey pulled his boyfriend to his side, covering Price’s mouth with a hand, “I’m sorry about the rest of them.”

Price seemed to realize what Buck had meant and he stopped trying to shove Casey away, “Shit, Bucky, I’m sorry. I didn’t think you meant they were…”

“Dead, yeah, but umm… well, I haven’t hit the scene in awhile and I wanted some support.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Of course, Bucky. We’ve got you.”

“Yeah, of course. Dude,” Casey clapped Buck on the back and Buck smiled, slightly. 

“Who else did you invite?” Price asked, “Am I finally meeting your ‘friend’ tonight?”

“I hate you,” muttered Buck as he set off for a booth, Casey and Price following him.

“Nah, you love us,” Price caught up to him, slinging an arm around Buck’s shoulders as they made their way over to the booth. 

“And to answer your question, no one else, not yet. They’ve asked me to show up and get a feel for the place before they ask me to perform, to earn back my title” he tapped the dog tags now hidden under his shirt, “so I just need some support and chill time.”

“Down for it. It was a long week at the hospital, so I could use time to kick back,” Casey told Buck, plopping down across from where his boyfriend had attached himself to Buck like a limpet. Casey chuckled at them as Price started peppering Buck with questions about his rapping past, which the kid tried to bluster through, but eventually, once they all got a beer to sip the story came out. 

“My boyfriend, he uh had a gift for poetry, but the music came from our friend, Felix. Hence, NF, the two of them were mixing beats and laying bars down together before me, but I brought, well, Nate said I brought heart and hurt.” Buck took a swig of his beer, then started playing with the label on his bottle, “We wrote about our lives, about everything. Well, you’ve heard our stuff, it’s deep. I couldn’t do it though, after Nate, and then Felix, one after the other, I couldn’t even listen to it, but I want to come back, just for a bit.”

“Well, we’re honoured, Bucky,” Price nudged Buck with his shoulder. 

“You know what? I believe you,” Buck replied, taking another sip of his beer. 

It felt good to believe. It felt good to be honest. It felt good to be back in a place where the bass thudded, and the vibrations of sound made his very bones sing in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NF is a real rapper. This is not his story, but I feel like his songs would work well with Buck's storyline. 
> 
> *I've been wanting Buck to have an artistic outlet for awhile. I'm not sure where this came from, but this is my head canon. So, sue me (or don't).


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie's going to therapy. Buck invites the 118 out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own NF's songs, not do I own 9-1-1 characters. The 106 are mine.
> 
> Bold = lyrics

“What do you enjoy?”

“What?”

“It’s a simple question, Eddie.”

“Is it, Frank?” Eddie frowned slightly as he gave his therapist’s question some thought.

“Or maybe not. Maybe that’s why I’ve asked it.”

“I like…” Eddie trailed off. Most of his answers involved Christopher, Buck, and the 118, but the emphasis Frank had placed on the ‘you’ in his question made Eddie think he was looking for something more personal.

“Do you enjoy working out? The boxing gym you’re at now, do you enjoy it?” Frank offered the idea, and while Eddie was thankful for the potential out, he thought about the question again, then shook his head.

“I don’t hate it, but I need it more than I enjoy it. It’s a good outlet, better than fighting.”

“Okay, so what do you enjoy?” Frank asked the question again as if Eddie might have suddenly come up with a response. “What relaxes you? What helps you focus?”

“I’m not sure,” but even as Eddie spoke, he didn’t sound confident in his uncertainty.

“So, there is something?”

“In Afghanistan, relaxed nights weren’t frequent, but we used to play cards and…” Eddie hadn’t thought about those quiet nights, few and far between, in awhile but something about them was niggling at his brain.

“So, the card games?” Frank queried, but Eddie shook his head.

“I was never great at them, but we, well, someone always played music.”

Frank nodded, jotting something down briefly before continuing his questions “What kind of music?”

“Ummm…” Eddie fished around for a word, a genre to describe what they’d listened to, the voices and words describing both the horrors and hopes of the world. “Inspirational?”

“Religious?”

Eddie shook his head. “Not really. Like he mentioned God sometimes but…”

“Who?”

“Word was around camp it was a couple of soldiers who made the tracks, but no one really seemed to know who they were.”

“Have you listened to any since you got back?”

“No, but…”

“Yes?”

“I should, shouldn’t I?” Eddie shot Frank a slight smile.

“Picking your own homework assignments now, Diaz?” But Frank was smiling, and he nodded, “Look it up. Listen to it. Write down how you feel, before, after, during – you know the drill. I’ll see you next week.” Eddie nodded then stood up to leave, but before he closed the door Frank called out after him, “If you like it, bring me a copy.”

Eddie jogged down to his truck, shooting off a quick text to Cal about the artist they used to listen before he headed to the station.

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

Eddie couldn’t believe he’d been in an energetic mood at the beginning of his shift. He slumped down at the kitchen table, his body exhausted, unable to hold him up.

He heard a chair across from him scrape and from the heavy sigh he deduced it was Hen sitting across from him.

“Well, today was...” Hen didn’t seem to know how to finish her sentence. “I wish Karen hadn’t taken Denny on her business trip now. I don’t want to go home to an empty house.”

Eddie grunted, raising his head just enough to prop it on his hands, “I hear you. My abuela insisted on keeping Chris all weekend, something about bonding time and me needing a life.”

“She’s not wrong,” Eddie’s eyes darted to the side, the only quick reaction he could make at the moment, and yup, that was Chim.

“Look, guys, no one died,” Chim looked tired too, but what he said was true. “It was just a warehouse fire.”

“Yeah, and bad enough that several stations responded. Excuse me for being tired after a fire like that,” Hen replied, although there wasn’t much snark in her tone.

“Did y’all see Buck’s team?”

Eddie groaned again, moving his head back to rest on the table. Yes, he’d seen Buck with his team and his partner. He’d seen his partner bump shoulders with Buck, bringing a grin to Buck’s face. He’d watched another teammate sling an arm around Buck, ruffling his hair. He’d watched as Buck playfully responded in kind.

“They were first on scene,” Chim continued “Bobby says they’re the ones responsible for today not levelling that whole block. Said there was explosive stuff in the space, but someone scoped it out and cleared it before it became an issue.”

“At great personal risk,” Bobby had joined them, phone in hand as he shot off a text.

“So, Buck?” Chim asked, although they all knew the answer. Buck would do anything to keep people safe.

Bobby nodded, absently tapping the table. Then his phone rang. He scrambled to pick it up, clicking on the call and pressing speaker by accident.

“Bobby?”

They all froze, Buck’s voice filtering up in the air. If Eddie kept his eyes closed, he could pretend Buck was here with them.

Bobby unfroze, pulling the phone back, preparing to turn it off speaker, when Hen’s hand shot out, pleading with her eyes for Bobby to keep it on.

“Yeah, kiddo. You’re on speaker, I’m upstairs…”

“Is everyone okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks to you I hear.”

Buck muttered something unintelligible. “Just say you’re welcome, Bucky!” crowed a voice on Buck’s end.

“Goddammit,” Buck muttered as if forgetting about them for a moment, then his voice came back “I’m fine, Bobby.”

“A couple minutes later and…”

“I weighed my options. I saw the barrels; no one else did. Teo, Price, and I got in, and out after that. I made an informed call, Bobby.”

“I know,” Bobby sighed, “I know you did. You did good, kid.”

“Thanks,” Eddie was finding so much comfort in the domesticity of this check in call between Buck and Bobby; he could picture Buck saying ‘Thanks’, biting his lip, unsure of how to take the compliment. Oh, how he wished he could speak to Buck right now.

“Yo, Bucky, we still on for tonight?” a loud voice, much closer than the other one that had called out to Buck, sounded.

“Seriously, Price? Phone etiquette, dude!” Buck took a deep breath, the sound of laughter and what might have been a shove occurred, then he kept speaking to Bobby. “Sorry, about that,”

“The squad sounds good,” Bobby replied, careful not to jinx himself and call it Buck’s squad, it was only temporary.

“Yeah, they’re a bit hopped up after today. Listen, is Chim there?”

Chim nodded at Bobby, who replied in the affirmative.

“Well, he’s probably getting a text from Maddie soon to hang out tonight. It’s an invite for all of you, not just from her, but me too. We’re going out and I’d like y’all to come if you want to,” the moment after Buck stopped talking seemed to hang in the air. This was the first time in over four months that Buck had been the one to suggest spending time together.

“I mean, it might not be your scene, or Athena’s or anyone’s from the 118, but I just figured, I’d umm offer.”

More silence.

“Cap?”

That brought Bobby back, the hesitation in Buck’s voice centred him again, “Kiddo, we’d love to. Send us the details and we’ll be there, okay?”

“You sure?”

Those two words were said so quietly that had they not been listening so intently they might not have heard them.

“100% sure.”

“Okay, I’ve got to go, but I guess I’ll see you tonight?”

“See you then, kiddo.”

Buck hung up.

“Did that really happen?” Hen’s voice was shocked as she looked around at the squad, “I mean he invited us out tonight? Right?”

Chim’s phone chimed then with a text.

“It’s from Maddie. Just an address and a note that this is important to Buck and we cannot afford to fuck it up.” He sighed. “She sent me like six angry devil emojis too. So please, all of you for the love of my sanity, my relationship, and my desire to avoid more wrath from a protective Buckley watch yourselves tonight.”

Bobby’s phone chimed with a text, the same address as Chim’s text. He sent it to Hen and Eddie before standing up to prep some dinner.

A few moments later, Eddie’s phone chimed with a second text, but after checking it he saw that it was Cal and not Buck texting him. Shaking his head at Hen to indicate it hadn’t been Buck, he grabbed the artist's name from Cal’s text and searched him up on Spotify.

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

Eddie picked up Hen and Chim on his way to the address they’d been sent, figuring he might as well be DD for his friends. He didn’t feel like drinking too much and being DD meant he could wait around until the end of the night, maybe get a chance to talk to Buck on his own.

“Maddie’s picking up Buck, apparently,” Chim said as he got in the back seat, graciously leaving the passenger seat for Hen. Eddie smirked, more like Hen had yelled out shotgun and beat Chim to the door. They’d gone home after shift together to chill before the night even started.

“Something wrong with his Jeep?”

“Maddie didn’t say,” Chim told Eddie, shrugging.

“Got any music requests?” Hen asked as Eddie pulled away from the curb, connecting Eddie’s aux cord to his phone, which he’d forgotten connected automatically to his new, still un-listened to Spotify playlist.

**Red Bull in my hands, feels like I got wings**  
**Lotta people in my face, but I can't hear a thing**  
**It's like my heads up in the clouds, heads up in the clouds**  
**And I ain't coming down, no**

Hen started nodding along to the song, then cocked her head, looking at Eddie.

“Didn’t take you as one for white boy rap, Eddie.”

Eddie shrugged, trying to avoid her gaze but instead he accidentally made eye contact with Chim in his rear-view mirror.

“It’s a guy we used to listen to in Afghanistan. Didn’t know there were pop hits too, honestly.”

“It’s catchy,” Chim offered, “Sounds familiar.”

“Yeah, it does sound familiar,” Hen echoed, then shrugged.

“Some of them are pretty dark, not exactly pump up jams,” Eddie warned her, but she just shrugged, so he let the music play.

**Oh yeah, oh yeah**  
**Just let me work, just let me work**  
**I'm out here grindin'**  
**Yeah, I'm out here grindin'**  
**I told 'em, that I'm out here grindin'**  
**I'm out here grindin', hey hey**

By the time Eddie pulled into the parking lot, their whole car was rocking out.

“Someone’s having fun,” called out a voice as Hen danced out of Eddie’s truck and she turned to wave at Athena and Bobby.

  
“Eddie’s got decent taste in rap, surprisingly.” Chim told them, hopping out behind Hen.

Bobby raised his eyebrows, but Eddie just shrugged back, waving at Athena.

“So, any idea about what this place is?” he asked as they made their way out onto the sidewalk, about to follow the line stretching down the street when he heard Maddie’s voice. He turned and saw her, with the 106.

“Best behaviour, everyone, please,” pleaded Chim as they all clocked the other squad moving with Maddie over to them.

“Buck got us on the guest list, come on,” Maddie looped her arm through Chim’s, a grin firmly in place on her face. “You all know each other?”

Then Buck was there, coming from where Eddie wasn’t sure, but he had to take a moment to take in Buck’s dark wash jeans, his white shirt, and dark grey hoodie, looking soft to the touch. Oh, how Eddie wanted to touch.

“The LAFD’s a huge family Mads, I think introductions might be necessary,” his eyes flicked to his right, landing on a shorter woman wearing her black hair plaited and a casual outfit, but there was a ferocity in her eyes that made Eddie wary.

“We’ve got this, Bucky. We’ll get them settled, you just focus on tonight, alright?”

Buck paused, biting his lip, then he nodded “Thanks, V.” He looked over at the 118, his smile a bit more hesitant, but still sincere “Thanks for coming.” Then he was gone, slipping through the crowd of people.

“Well, follow me. I’m Vera Khan, by the way. Bucky’s captain.”

She looked straight at Bobby as she spoke. Oh, this woman knew how to play her game and suddenly, the 118 found themselves wondering if they’d stumbled into a space that they didn’t belong.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck raps. Buck saves. Buck thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta. 
> 
> I do not own any of NF's lyrics (all bolded) nor do I own 9-1-1 characters. The 106 are mine.
> 
> I definitely cut some of NF's songs down, so not all of the lyrics are here.
> 
> Songs included are: Turn the Music Up, Mansion, All I Have, and Nate (all by NF)

Introductions were made as the 106 shook hands with the 118, Maddie watching seemingly taking some joy in the discomfort of the 118. Good. She wanted them to remember that Buck could make his own family again if need be, but she hoped, for her brother’s sake that he didn’t have to leave them behind. She knew who she’d choose if it came down to that too, and suddenly she shivered, Chim pulling her closer, rubbing a hand over her shoulder.

“Shall we head in? Don’t want to keep Bucky waiting.” It was the redhead, Taryn, Maddie reminded herself, who spoke, breaking up the awkward silence that had followed a round of handshakes. Taryn rallied Teo and Price, and they set off, but before the 118 could follow Vera spoke.

“Wait,” Vera put out a hand, keeping the 118 still for a moment. Athena fixed the woman with a half glare. She didn’t like the way the captain of the 106 kept trying to assert her claim over Buck, and she wasn’t a fan of being told what to do by other people as a rule. “You should know, we haven’t heard anything but good things about you from him. Even though we both know he probably has tons of shit he could say. Everything we know about you outside of that is from others, and it’s not good,” Chim and Hen both opened their mouths to say something, but Bobby shot them both a look, “but I also know you’re working on it. This night -- don’t screw up. He’s letting you in and if you hurt him again, you’ll regret it.”

“That a promise?” Athena huffed out, less used to being on the other side of intimidation techniques.

“No, it’s a threat.” Vera replied smiling, sadly, then she turned and headed to the front of the line.

“What does that mean? Tonight he’s letting us in?” Hen asked, then turned to Maddie to see if she could shed some light on it.

“Come on, I think it’ll be easier to explain inside,” Maddie tugged Chim forward, the rest of the crew following behind. She said their names to the bouncer who waved them into “A club?” Hen’s voice was a bit confused as they entered.

“It’s nice?” Bobby also sounded confused as he looked around, gratefully taking in the lack of flashing lights and sweeping appreciatively over the large and comfortable-looking banquettes, but then he noticed the room’s centerpiece, “Umm, is that…?”

“A boxing ring?” Eddie’s voice croaked, his throat suddenly dry. Buck wouldn’t have asked them to come to a fighting ring, right? Especially with Athena, right?

“Oh!” Athena’s voice was alight with curiosity, not fear. “This is, wow, I’ve never been.”

“ ‘Thena?” Hen pressed her friend for an explanation.

“It’s a rap club. It’s all legal, nothing underground and no fighting,” her eyes flicked to Eddie who let out a relieved breath, “Some of the people I know in Narcotics and TARU were talking about this place a few months ago. It’s pretty exclusive; I wonder how Buck knows it, unless someone at the 106 introduced him.”

“Nope, this is all Bucky’s doing,” Price was there, having given the 118 a moment to adjust to their surroundings, “He took me and Casey, my boyfriend, here a few weeks ago and well, tonight’s an important night for him, so he asked all of us to come. Maybe he wasn’t sure you’d show,” that was a challenge if Athena had ever heard one, but she gripped Eddie’s shoulder to keep him from rising to the bait. “We’re happy to support Buck,” she replied.

“Good.” Price nodded, “Well, our booth’s up there, he pointed it out to them “And first responders drink free tonight, courtesy of an agreement between Bucky and the owner of Quartermasters. See you soon,” he tossed them a smile and wink, then set off back to the table.

“Maddie, do you have any idea why…” Chim’s question trailed off as he turned to look at his girlfriend, the rest of the 118 did too. Maddie’s eyes were tear-filled. “Maddie?”

“I’m okay,” she sniffed, closing her eyes for a moment.

“Are you sure?” Eddie asked, stepping a bit closer as if to offer comfort, but unsure of how to do so.

“Yeah. I just figured it out and it’s just knowing what went into it then, and now, it’s a lot to process.”

“Figured what out?” That was Hen, confused again. Maddie smiled, then sniffed again, before reaching out to pat Eddie on the arm.

“It’s okay. I’m good. Just listen tonight, huh?”

“Of course,” Eddie replied.

“Let’s get some drinks,” Maddie tugged on Chim’s arm again and he fell into step beside her, gently playing with her hair as they walked over to the bar.

“C’mon guys. I can’t sit in judgment of the 106 without a beer tonight,” Hen remarked, tugging Athena along with her.

Eventually, they made their way up to the table Price had indicated earlier, Eddie and Bobby settled with two impressive mocktails, which had brought smiles to both men’s faces.

Buck was there, looking a bit distracted to say the least. Price was next to him, murmuring quietly, but Teo, Taryn, and Vera were more welcoming now that they knew their shovel talks had been delivered. Eddie found himself wanting to hate them, but unable to do so, and when he caught Bobby’s eye during a conversational lull he knew his captain felt the same way. Buck wasn’t drinking anything except water, Eddie noticed.

It seemed that the cup served as more of a way to occupy Buck’s hands, even as he chatted somewhat absently with Athena, Hen, and Taryn. Eventually, low-key rap battles started playing out in the ring and they rotated between talking, listening and cheering. Eddie found himself tapping along to some of it, but as it approached the hour he noticed Buck stop drinking and talking. Before he could reach out and say something, Buck moved, muttering something to Price who nodded, squeezing Buck’s shoulder comfortingly, then Buck left the booth. After a word to Teo, Price followed him. Eddie was about to get up and follow him when a familiar song broke out from the speakers:

**Red Bull in my hands, feels like I got wings**   
**Lotta people in my face, but I can't hear a thing**   
**It's like my heads up in the clouds, heads up in the clouds**   
**And I ain't coming down, no**

“Evening folks! Glad that caught your attention,” it was the bartender from earlier, the one who’d delighted in making Eddie and Bobby mocktails “Well, most of you know that tonight’s a special night.” A cheer went up, echoed by some of the 106. “But for those of you that don’t know, a few weeks ago a kid stumbled in here, claiming some cred, claiming to be part of NF.” Whispers broke out across the club and another whoop of cheers went up. Eddie felt frozen, NF was here? The music he’d been playing for Hen and Chim that night, that artist was here? He looked at his friends to see his confusion and surprise mirrored on their faces.

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t sure about him, but he’s been coming back since that day to get a feel for the place and I’m happy to say, having heard him earlier, he’s the real deal.” Another chorus of whoops and cheers. “He’s here for us tonight for his first (and apparently last) live performance ever. Join us as he regales us some nostalgia and some new pieces.” and just as the lights dimmed, Price slipped back into the booth.

A piano note sounded, and a woman’s voice started to sing,

**“Insidious is blind inception**   
**What's reality with all these questions?**   
**Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)**   
**Broken legs but I chase perfection**   
**These walls are my blank expression**   
**My mind is a home I'm trapped in**   
**And it's lonely inside this mansion”**

But Eddie couldn’t tear his eyes away from the ring. That hoodie, soft and dark grey, that was Buck’s… then the voice, of course it had been familiar to him, Hen, and Chim. It was Buck’s voice.

**“Yo, my mind is a house with walls covered in lyrics, they're all over the place**   
**There's songs in the mirrors written all over the floors, all over the chairs**   
**And you get the uncut version of life when I go downstairs**   
**That's where I write when I'm in a bad place and need to release**   
**And let out the version of NF you don't want to see**   
**I put holes in the walls with both of my fists 'til they bleed**   
**You might get a glimpse of how I cope with all this anger in me,”**

Buck’s hood was up, like he was hiding, but these lyrics were baring his soul. And Eddie got it, what Vera had meant about him letting them in and oh god, he knew these lyrics, but they hurt now in a way he’d never anticipated. This wasn’t creativity, this was Buck, laying his story down for them; this was Buck being raw and open even after everything they’d done to him. And he’d asked them here, still, he’d wanted them here.

**“Physically abused, now that's the room that I don't want to be in**   
**That picture ain't blurry at all, I just don't want to see it**   
**And these walls ain't blank, I just think I don't want to see 'em**   
**But why not? I'm in here, so I might as well read 'em**   
**I gotta thank you for this anger that I carry around**   
**Wish I could take a match and burn this whole room to the ground**   
**Matter of fact I think I'ma burn this room right now**   
**So now this memory for some reason just won't come down”**

Bobby watched his son pour his heart out to a room of onlookers, face hidden but emotions clearly on display. He gripped Athena’s hand in his, holding tightly to her as she anchored him.

**“You used to put me in the corner, so you could see the fear in my eyes**   
**Then took me downstairs and beat me 'til I screamed and I cried**   
**Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind**   
**But I'ma keep the door shut and lock the lyrics inside”**

Maddie tucked herself into Chim’s side shaking, but she couldn’t look away from her brother. She wished she had been there to protect him from that monster of a man. She was the older sibling, but Buck had never complained. He could have turned her away after leaving Doug, but no, he’d just opened up his heart and his home as if it had always been hers too.

The woman’s chorus echoed, and Hen watched Buck seem to breathe through it and then psych himself up for the next verse.

**“Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in pain**   
**See, my problem is I don't fix things, I just try to repaint**   
**Cover em up, like it never happened**   
**Say I wish I could change, are you confused?**   
**Come upstairs and I'll show you what I mean**   
**This room's full of regrets, just keeps getting fuller it seems**   
**The moment I walk in to it is the same moment that I wanna leave**   
**I get sick to my stomach every time I look at these things**   
**But it's hard to look past when this is the room where I sleep”**

Bobby’s mind darted back to the guest room, how it looked like it hadn’t been slept in and he suddenly needing to know that Buck was sleeping, regularly on a bed in his new place. He resolved to find out, after.

**“I look around, one of the worst things I wrote on these walls**   
**Was the moment I realized that I was losing my mom**   
**And one of the first things I wrote was I wish I would have called**   
**But I should just stop now, we ain't got enough room in this song”**

Maddie missed her mom so much. She hadn’t even visited her grave yet… maybe she could go with Buck, one last trip to Hershey, together to set the demons to rest.

**“And I regret the fact that I struggled trying to find who I am**   
**And I lie to myself and say I do the best that I can**   
**Shrug it off like it ain't nothing like it's out of my hands**   
**Then get ticked off whenever I see it affecting my plans**   
**And I regret watching these trust issues eat me alive**   
**And at the rate I'm going they'll probably still be there when I die**   
**Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind**   
**The question is, will I ever clean the walls off in time?”**

Eddie had never thought of Buck as having regrets, but the pain in Buck’s voice was obvious now, coating every word, wrapping it in guilt and sadness. He knew what Buck meant, being afraid to trust could very well eat someone alive, but he was done hiding how much he wanted to trust Buck. He didn’t want Buck to live in fear anyone, especially if he could help.

**“So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years**   
**I built the safe room and I don't let no one in there**   
**'Cause if I do, there's a chance that they might disappear and not come back**   
**And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside**   
**So I just leave my doors locked**   
**You might get other doors to open up but this door's not**   
**'Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me**   
**And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me”**

Chim curled his arm tighter around Maddie as he felt tears drip down his own face as he heard Buck try to justify his own isolation. Buck must have been so afraid when his wrote this and they’d brought some of that back to haunt him.

**“I'm barricaded inside so stop watching**   
**I'm not coming to the door so stop knocking, stop knocking**   
**I'm trapped here, God keeps saying I'm not locked in**   
**I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience”**

Chim felt his heart beating a bit faster, and he pulled Maddie a bit closer. No, he vowed internally, Buck had chosen this, nor did he deserve it. He would knock at Buck’s door everyday if he knew where it was now. He wouldn’t let his friend slip away again.

**“I know that shutting the wall down ain't solving the problem**   
**But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em**   
**I built it because I thought that it was safer in there**   
**But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's living in here”**

Hen leaned against Athena, who put her free hand over Hen’s hands, gripping them tightly. She hated how this made so much sense, why Buck who was a complex human being reduced himself to being a jokester, someone who could be the butt of jokes, and was never without a smile. It was a good front, one that he obviously thought would keep him safe from disappointment and hurt, which it hadn’t. Well, now they would, now his family would be the ones to keep him safe from his own mind.

**"Fear came to my house years ago, I let him in**   
**Maybe that's the problem 'cause I've been dealing with this ever since**   
**I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious he never did**   
**He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in**   
**Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win**   
**Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can**   
**'Cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors**   
**Is that me or the fear talking?**   
**I don't know anymore"**

Athena kept her grip on Bobby and Hen’s hands tight, but neither of them complained. They all needed an anchor right now, because it was clear that the true anchor of their family was out there, hooded, under a spotlight, spilling his secrets and sadness to them.

As the final notes of the song sounded, there was a moment of silence as if the emotion in the song needed to settle and dissipate, but then a roar came up from around the club.

Buck just hung, his head, breathing hard, his hands curling and uncurling from a fist. His mic still attached to his hoodie caught some of his breathing; he grinned. It felt good to be back in this headspace. He just hoped he hadn’t just screwed things up with them, with his family. He knew the 106 was planning to head out soon, he’d asked his friends just to keep the 118 occupied until his set started. They’d heard most of it at the station anyways.

He couldn’t bring himself to look up to see their reactions yet, so instead he let himself fall into another song.

 **“All I ever wanted was somebody to hear me**  
 **And all I ever wanted was somebody to feel me**  
 **And everybody wanna tell me that I'm out of my head**  
 **When I'm on the mic that's fine but that don't scare me**  
 **It's been a long time but I'm back now** ”

Vera watched the 118 react to Buck and let out a quiet sigh of relief. They cared. They got it. She only hoped they knew what to do with it.

As that song came to a close and Price whooped across the table, she and Teo made eye contact. It was time to go. Buck had asked them to keep the 118 busy until his set, and then he’d told them it was fine to leave. He’d meant it too. He appreciated that they had come out to support him, but he needed to talk to his family, without his friends.

“Where are y’all going?” Hen broke out of her reverie to pin the 106 with her eyes, “Sit down. Stay.”

Taryn opened her mouth to protest, but when Athena turned her eyes on them Vera shrugged, sitting back down. She had no problem with staying.

Another song, then another. One fast, one slow, then a pause, and Buck’s voice sounded again.

“The rest of NF is dead, but umm, they live in these lyrics and sounds. I wrote this one after losing both of them.”

A pause, almost deafening in its silence then he began to rap, but the difference between this performance and the others was that Buck had knocked back his hood. And he was making eye contact with people, slowly, turning, his body moving like an extension of lyrics, fluid and rigid for different beats.

**“Yeah, sometimes I wanna disappear like I just don't exist**   
**I'll find a time machine and take me back when I was six**   
**Maybe younger, either way, I guess the point of it**   
**Would be to tell that little kid that he's gon' take a lot of hits**   
**Yeah, I'd probably grab your hand and tell you life is hard**   
**If you got questions or you need advice, then talk to God**   
**'Cause He's the only one that listens even when you think He isn't”**

Buck turned, he sought out Bobby’s eyes as the next words dropped.

**“Even good people are great at making bad decisions (yeah)”**

He kept going. He kept moving.

**“They ain't gon' take it serious**   
**You find out pretty quick that life is more than just appearances**   
**I know some things we could avoid to save embarrassment**   
**But everything that breaks you down can also build your character**   
**'Cause people love to see you fail, just be aware of it**   
**Don't let nobody tell you who to be or write your narrative**   
**Look, we're all products of the things that we experience**   
**But there's a big difference between confidence and arrogance**   
**You hearin' this?”**

Chim thought back to when he’d thought Buck was the cockiest person he knew and how wrong he was in that assessment.

**“I know that you won't get it now, but you gon' get it later**   
**I know that you feel alone and no one loves you maybe**   
**And you gon' cover insecurities with lots of anger”**

Eddie needed to talk to Buck soon. It was more than obvious now that Buck wasn’t scared to love people, but he was afraid of being loved in return. Eddie couldn’t stand for it any longer. He’d told Frank he wasn’t good enough, but for Buck, for Chris, for himself, he’d work to accept only his best for all of them, for the people he loved.

**“You know how we've always struggled with abandonment? (Yeah)**   
**And when we feel like someone's leaving, we start panickin'? (Yeah)**   
**And yo, I wish I could say I've learned to manage it**   
**You think it's bad now, but you don't know the half of it”**

Maddie was so glad her brother was still here. Still part of her life, and she was never going to leave him to struggle alone, ever again.

**“I know some things about the future you ain't ready for**   
**I know some things that you gon' cover up, but can't ignore**   
**And what hurts is they gon' surface at the worst moments**   
**And we gon' act like it don't hurt us, but it hurts, don't it?”**

Hen still had flashbacks to the truck. To Buck lying beneath it, and she’d been so scared he’d hate her for not doing more that day that she’d stayed away in the aftermath. But they were both struggling, and she resolved to be there for him in the future.

**“You know how intoxicated people make us nervous?**   
**To the point sometimes we shake and it feels so disturbin'**   
**Don't be scared, that's just trauma tryna reach the surface**   
**And tell us everyone we love is gonna try to hurt us**   
**Which isn't true, but it's a lie that both of us believe in”**

Buck was looking their way again, but this time he wasn’t turning away. He was standing his ground and being open. They met his gaze, and a corner of his mouth ticked up in the ghost of a smile.

**“Yeah, you might get a glimpse of happiness from your achievements**   
**But what you'll learn as you get older, every time you reach one**   
**Is you'll just make another goal that doesn't lead to freedom”**

Buck needed to celebrate more, Chim decided. Celebrate just being alive, because at this point that was an achievement for the other man. He’d have to get everyone in on a plan for Buck’s welcome back in a few months. The kid deserved a party to eclipse every other party they had thrown.

**“I wish that I could look at you with empathy**   
**Sometimes I feel like I've become what you were scared to be**   
**Which makes it really hard to look at you with sympathy**   
**'Cause if I'm feeling bad for you, then I have to feel bad for me**   
**And that's just something I feel like we don't deserve**   
**That's why I'm always looking down on you, I know it hurts**   
**I'm sure you have a lot of questions**   
**I've been tryna search to find us both some answers**   
**I'll be here for you if things get worse”**

Buck was ready to go home. He nodded, stepping out of the ring, fist bumping and shaking hands with patrons, feeling his energy drain out of him. He needed to crash, soon. Finally, people gave him some space and as he tried to orient himself, he stumbled over a cord, but was saved from falling by a pair of strong arms. Arms he’d recognize anywhere, and while he wanted to sink into Eddie’s embrace, but he figured he should step away, except then Eddie was turning him and pulling Buck into a tight hug. Buck almost forgot to breathe.

Then Eddie let him go, only for Buck to find himself being hugged by his sister who was crying but assured him they were happy tears. He shook his head at her, wiping at her cheeks as she pulled away, smiling proudly at him.

Before the 118 could continue, the 106 swooped in quickly, Taryn stepping in front of Athena, which was bold to say the least, but after a round of back slaps, a hug, and a few whispered words between Buck and Price that made Buck blush, and Eddie’s eyes narrow curiously, Buck turned back to the 118. He ducked his head, rubbing the back of his neck, realizing suddenly how close they were to him, but as he stepped back, he almost tripped over the same cord, leaving Eddie to step up behind him, slipping a hand around Buck’s waist to steady him, except this time he didn’t let him go.

Buck didn’t have the mental energy to examine that particular action at the moment. He also didn’t know what to say to them.  
“That was wicked!” Chim stepped forward, and Eddie’s hand shifted, letting Chim draw Buck forward, pulling him over to their booth.

“Wicked? What are you, a Harry Potter character?” cracked Buck, not really processing what was coming out of his mouth.

Chim shook his head, but just ruffled Buck’s hair as he pressed Buck into the booth, Bobby sliding in around the other side, with Athena who had grabbed a fresh water for Buck, who accepted it gratefully. Bobby nudged Buck with his shoulder, murmuring something that made Buck, ducked his head again, but he bumped Bobby back with his own shoulder, so Eddie was sure it was something complimentary. He settled in next to Athena, content to just watch as Hen and Chim peppered Buck with questions, but they stayed away from anything too intense for the rest of the night. As it hit midnight, Maddie prodded Buck, who nodded, slowly; he’d been fading for the past hour at least, but he hadn’t wanted to give up the warmth or the comfort.

Eddie had texted Maddie that he could drive Buck home, but she’d shaken her head subtly. He accepted it. But he did make sure he got another hug before Buck left that night. Buck felt so right in his arms that he had to remind himself to step away before he overwhelmed his partner. Buck deserved to know what Eddie was thinking as much as he deserved actions.

As they wandered out into the mostly empty parking lot it felt like old times, all of them together. Hen and Maddie set off for their respective rides, when Buck reached out to grab Maddie, pulling her back and grabbing her keys in one motion.

“Buck, what?”

Buck was on edge, suddenly awake and alert.

“There’s people behind the truck!” he hissed, then called out “Hen!” but it was too late.

Two guys emerged, looking like they were trouble and one grabbed Hen, who yelled.

Buck’s vision narrowed. Sweeping the alleyway, turning his eyes found Chim’s “Call it in. Stay here.” Bobby made to grab Buck, but he’d already set off toward the men, Athena on his heels.

“LAPD! Let her go,” Athena shouted, but Buck knew that wasn’t going to work the moment he heard a gun cock, from behind Athena, between the her and the rest of the squad.

“No can do,” the one with the gun aimed at Athena growled out, but Buck was done with the theatrics.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” his voice took on an edge none of the 118 had ever heard before, it was dangerous.

“What’re you gonna do?” The guy behind Athena nudged her forward, and as soon as she was a foot away from him Buck chanced a glance to the 118, Maddie was keeping Eddie back, Bobby’s eyes were wide, and Chim, shakily caught his eye, gave him a thumbs up. He’d called 9-1-1. Okay, Buck just needed everything to stay calm until then. Of course, then Hen whimpered in fear, as the person behind her pulled her closer to him.

“Trust me, you don’t want to know,” Buck replied, taking stock of what he had in proximity, “Let my family go.” He growled “It’s going to be fine, Hen,” he tried to soothe his friend.

“Nah, bro, it’s not going to be okay until one of you hands over some car keys.”

“You’re holding an LAPD officer and several first responders hostage, do you really think that’s going to go over well with the rest of the force?”

“Hand over the keys and your wallets, we’ll get out of here then.”

“I don’t think so,” Buck said, calmly, as the one threatening Athena brought her level with him and switched the target of his gun from Athena to Buck. That’s all Buck needed.

When she gave her report of the incident later, Athena would wonder aloud how Buck had executed it so smoothly. He stepped to the guy with the gun, disarming him and knocking him out in quick succession, then shot at one of the lights in the alley, freaking out the guy holding Hen who dropped her. He called to Athena to get Hen then set off after the other two, jumping over a car to tackle them in one swoop using his momentum to roll them. He propelled one into a wall while the other one tried to swing on him, but he ducked easily, grabbing the guy’s arm and forcing him up against the wall, then he released him as the other guy came at his back, a glancing blow clipped Buck’s jaw, causing him to bite his tongue. The two of them faced Buck, and one of them drew a knife, which made Buck grin. He liked sparring with pointy things.

“Bring it,” hissed Buck as he spat some blood on the ground, and their hesitation was all he needed again, and even though it was two on one, they had threatened Buck’s family. He wasn’t letting this go easily. One went down, and the last one, Buck had on his stomach, hands behind, gripped in his own hands.

“Buck?” That was Athena, he looked up, then took a hand off the guy squirming below him as he howled about his knee, which Buck was sure he’d dislocated. He tossed her keys to Maddie’s car “Maddie’s car, my bag, passenger side, there are zip ties.” Athena paused then nodded then disappeared, as the rest of the 118 pressed forward, blue and red flashing lights lit up in the area.

“Where are you going?” Buck commented to the guy underneath him, seemingly unimpressed as he watched Athena zip tie the other guy. He moved off the guy, “Seriously, where are trying to go?” The guy squirmed and Buck just rolled his eyes as Athena came over with another zip tie. As she sat him up, none to gently guy made a grab for the gun tucked into Buck’s pants, but Buck stepped away, allowing the guy to fall forward onto his injured knee.

Buck pulled out the gun and put the safety back on and unloaded it, swiftly, not even looking at as he passed it over for evidence. The three thugs were being carted off for transport as Athena talked to a colleague, Bobby beside her, so Buck turned to find Hen. Who was sitting in the back seat of Maddie’s car with a blanket around her shoulders, Chim, Eddie, and Maddie fussing over her. The moment he came into her field of vision Hen jumped out of the car, pushing the rest of them out of the way and pulled Buck in for a crushing hug. He hugged her back, carefully.

“Are you okay?” he asked, running his hand soothing over her back as she shook in his arms.

“Thank you,” she murmured into his shirt, clutching at it, at him, “Thank you Buckaroo,” she finally pulled away, to look at him “You’re my hero.”

As he opened up his mouth to refute that a voice came from behind him “She’s right,” it was Athena, who pried Buck away from Hen to hug him herself, then she pulled back to pat his cheek “You’re our hero.”

Buck blushed. “You okay?”

Athena nodded, “Yup, a bit less joyous and drunk, but we’re fine. Because of you. Some intense moves you used there,” her eyes were curious and searching, but after another pat, she whispered “You’ll tell us when you’re ready.”

He nodded and took a deep breath, tipping his head back to look at the sky as Chim made plans for Hen to stay with him that night and he let the intensity of the night wash through him.

They were safe.

His family was safe.

And they were, his family, still through it all.

He wanted to tell them. A hand slipped into his, Maddie had come over to him.

“Buck?”

“Do you think they’d come over tomorrow?”

“I think they’d love to.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” she echoed, squeezing his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watch this video at 2:27 to see how I imagine Buck talking to the guy whose knee he dislocated:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhEUDQ3Z2TQ


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Eddie chat. Buck plans for the 118 seeing his house. 
> 
> A bit of a filler chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1's characters.

Eddie closed the door to his place and just sunk down onto the floor, decompressing from the night. His mind whirred as it processed everything that had happened, from seeing Buck, to finding out Buck was part of NF, to catching Buck – twice – he grinned as he thought about having Buck up close to him again, but then his thoughts turned to the end of the night, of watching Buck run into a dangerous situation as cool as a cucumber. He’d saved Athena and Hen, then he’d taken down the three guys without so much as breaking a sweat. It had been pretty hot, and Eddie groaned as that thought made its way into his head. He didn’t need that in his head right now, but he knew the image of Buck confronting danger with a glint in his eyes would be part of his fantasies for the foreseeable future. 

His phone buzzed and he pulled it from his pocket, worried that something might have happened with Chris, but Buck’s number was the one on the screen. Buck hadn’t called him in weeks, though they had texted since Buck’s transfer. “Buck?” his voice was hoarse as he answered.

“Eddie, hey,” Buck’s voice sounded tentative.

“Buck, what’s up?” Eddie felt like kicking himself, what an opening line, but then he reasoned, Buck did call him.

“Look man, I know you probably have questions from tonight, and well, I want to explain.”

Eddie perked up, “Really?”

“Yeah. Umm, I’m inviting everyone over today, if you’re free. Chris can…”

“Chris is at abuela’s; I’ll be there, Buck.”

“Okay, I’ll text you a time and the address.”

“Sounds good. And Buck?”

“Yeah, Eds?” Buck hadn’t called him Eds in awhile and it ignited butterflies in his stomach. 

“Thanks for tonight, for being open with us.”

Buck huffed out a laugh, clearly uncomfortable with his thanks, but Eddie decided to push a bit, offering something in return. “We used to listen to it in Afghanistan; it helped keep us sane.”

“I’m glad,” Buck murmured quietly, “But you should know, I’m not stepping back on that stage anymore, so be glad you saw it tonight.”

“Just needed to do it one last time?” Eddie asked, curiously, “Too bad, some of my buddies are coming up later this month.”

“It’s like closing a chapter. Letting me move on from that part of my life,” Buck replied. 

“Which we’ll find out about later today?” Eddie queried.

“Yup, so come with questions or else I might just keep talking,” Buck laughed, tentatively.

“I’d be happy for you to just talk, Buck. We haven’t done near enough of that lately.” The lateness of the hour was making Eddie vulnerable and he wanted Buck to be vulnerable with him. He just wanted to talk with Buck. 

“I miss talking to you too, Eds,” Buck’s voice was quiet, but no longer tentative. 

“Do we have to wait?” Eddie murmured.

“I think we should. It’s late, or early now. I think we need to talk in the light of day,” Buck told him.

“Okay, I trust you, Buck.”

“Night, Eddie.”

“Goodnight, Buck.”

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

Buck shot off a text message to each member of the 118 with a time and his address, before setting an alarm and going to shower off the remains of the day. He pulled on a pair of LAFD sweatpants that were just a little short on him, which struck him as odd. He checked the label on the pants and blushed, swearing quietly. He’d stolen Eddie’s sweatpants. How long ago had that happened? He’d been wearing them for months and he’d only just noticed now? God, he was in deep. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

He slept peacefully in his window seat, waking up around 5am, without any nightmares for once. As he folded up his blankets, he knew he’d have to keep the 118 away from his room, because while the bathroom was outfitted, and he’d set about making the other rooms more lived in his was still a work in progress. Steve had eventually just sent him a headboard and bed frame from Hawaii, but he hadn’t slept in it yet. He’d just assembled it the other week in fact as his homework from Ben. 

Before he could panic about his impending dinner with the 118, Buck threw on some workout clothes and went for a run. He needed to sweat out his anxieties. 

As he ran, he flicked through his rolodex of recipes and settled on what he wanted to cook for the evening. He smiled as he ran, happy with the choices he was making and the direction his life was taking.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 118 sees Buck's house / Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1's characters.

“You’re as nervous as you were for your first date with Bobby,” May remarked as her mom foraged through her closet for an outfit, “It’s kind of adorable.”

“I am not adorable, May” grumbled Athena as she emerged in a wine-coloured long-sleeve and dark wash jeans. She spread her arms, silently asking for an opinion.

“Yeah, why not” May replied, smirking as her mom huffed and threw up her hands. “It’s just Buck, Mom.”

“I know, I know,” Athena flopped down on the bed next to her daughter.

“You just want to make a good impression, even though he already knows you, all of you quite well,” May continued, “I think it’s sweet.”

“Have you talked to him recently?” Athena pulled herself up to a sitting position.

“Who do you think I’m texting about your fashion emergency?” May replied, winking at her mom.

“May, you’re not…”

“Chill, not actually. I am texting Buck though, but it’s about a book he recommended to me. Do you think you could bring back the sequel with you when you come back?”

Athena smiled “Sure, honey.”

“Awesome! It’s called The Broken Kingdoms by N.K. Jemisin!” May tapped out another text to Buck, then put her phone away to look at her mom. “Are you going to be comfortable in that? I feel like tonight is going to entail a few heavy conversations.”

“I agree,” murmured Athena, as she reached out to squeeze May’s hand, “I’ll be okay.”

“Of course, you will,” May replied, squeezing back, then she pulled away and hopped off the bed as Bobby entered the room, “Buck’s the glue in this family, he won’t let us fall apart.” She shot both of them a smile before heading downstairs to kick Harry’s butt in Mario Kart.

“You ready?” Athena asked Bobby, who was dressed casually in a green and blue plaid shirt.

“I think so,” he told her, shifting forward so he could press a kiss to her forehead, “You?”

“I don’t know. Today’s going to be a lot.”

“I have no doubt,” he responded, taking a seat beside her on the bed, “but we need this, and he deserves this, to tell us on his own time and on his turf.”

“I’ve been thinking about his place. I’m not sure I can imagine it, but maybe that’s because I’m just trying to wrap my mind around who he really is,” Athena told him, “Do you think we could head over early?”

“That’s actually why I came up, Maddie’s driving Chim and Hen over now. She’s offering to drive us too if we’d like?”

“And Eddie?”

“I think she’s planning on him staying after to talk to Buck,” Bobby told her.

“I think they’re long overdue for that talk,” chuckled Athena lightly, “Alright, I’m fine with Maddie bringing us. It’ll be an experience alright. We can always uber home if we need to stay later than them.”

Bobby pulled out his phone to reply to Maddie’s text. “She’ll be here soon. I think she planned on picking us up regardless.”

“When was the last time you were in a car with more than three people?” Athena asked, nudging Bobby with her shoulder.

“Umm, last shift? The last time we went out with the kids and Michael? ”

Athena snorted “Right, how could I forget? How’s Collins working out?”

“He’s fine, but sloppy in a way on calls that makes me nervous. It’s unfortunate because he’s a decent guy and his paperwork is immaculate. He came to see me about moving into administration if possible.” Bobby sighed, resting his head on Athena’s shoulder.

“You miss Buck?”

“Every damn day.”

Their doorbell rang.

“Let’s go see our boy,” Athena stood up, Bobby following her downstairs.

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

Chim was in the passenger seat and Hen was in the back with Bobby and Athena. Maddie was chipper and answering no questions. She just turned on a playlist and drove, grinning. About ten minutes into the drive, she noticed Eddie behind her on the highway; she waved out her window and he raised a hand, acknowledging her.

Eddie was nervous but seeing Maddie’s car ahead of him soothed some of his nerves. He hadn’t looked up Buck’s address online the night before, knowing that if he did, he would be hard pressed to keep himself from driving over. As they moved away from the apartment complexes downtown, Eddie’s brow furrowed wondering if Buck had rented a basement apartment or something.

Chimney had similar feelings of confusion.

“Maddie, do you know where you’re going?” he asked, loudly, to be heard over the music as she continued to drive by residential neighbourhoods that made all of them take note.

She didn’t respond. Instead she swung a right, and then a left, finally pulling up into a relatively large driveway, free of other cars. “Very funny,” Hen said, kicking Maddie’s seat, but Maddie still didn’t speak. She got out instead, moving aside so Eddie’s truck could pull up alongside her car.

“Ummm, Maddie, I know you’re still angry, but bringing us to a stranger’s house isn’t the way to solve this,” Athena said as she exited the car, hoping the house owner wasn’t home and worried about the random cars in their driveway.

“Maddie!” A voice called out, and the group turned to see a man in his seventies coming from the house next door. He moved quickly, but jerkily, and it was obvious that he had a prosthetic leg given that he was wearing shorts.

“Hi Stan,” Maddie greeted the other man, waving.

“Tell that brother of yours I need his gumbo recipe. I haven’t tasted flavours like that since I was a kid in New Orleans, before ‘Nam.”

“It’s all in the spices,” Buck’s voice joined them before his body did, appearing a second later, and he walked straight over to Stan, greeting the man with a hearty handshake and shoulder grip, “I’ve got someone down there who sends them along.”

“Well, let me know when you’re doing another order, I want my grandkids to try it. Real taste of home.”

“I’ll bring some over soon,” and when Stan went to protest, Buck held up a hand, “It’s the least I can do.”

“Bull, but fine,” Stan rolled his eyes, then he seemed to take in the 118, “but here I am, preparing to talk your ear off when you’ve got guests. Just wanted to thank you,” he waved away Buck’s protests this time, “Enjoy your night with…”

“They’re my family,” Buck told him, ignorant of how that simple utterance made everyone behind him want to jump with joy for being so easily claimed as family.

“Then enjoy. We’ll figure out a date for that chopper ride; it’d be good to have a co-pilot again.”

“Yeah, I hear you,” Buck replied, and Stan clapped him on the back again before heading back to his house.

“You were watching the cameras,” Maddie stated accusingly as she pointed a finger at Buck.

“That’s what they’re there for, Mads. Plus, I know you and I knew you’d try to bring them over early.”

“One day, I’ll get one over on you,” Maddie quipped, looping her arm through his, then she turned back to the squad, who were looking at Buck with looks of fondness, pride, and a hint of surprise.

Buck’s brow furrowed, eyes darting back to Maddie who was grinning like a Cheshire cat. “What did she tell you?”

“Nothing,” Chim replied.

“Okay, then…” Buck shrugged, “Come on in. Maddie will want to give you a tour.” The squad followed, more than a bit in awe as they stepped into the bright and airy entryway.

“Well, it’s only fair,” Maddie stated, “It’s not like either of us” she jerked a thumb at Chim “is going to be owning a home soon, so let me live out my HGTV dreams.”

“Never said you couldn’t, Mads.” Then a distant beep sounded, “I’ll be right, back.”

“I’m sorry, did you say own?” Hen exclaimed as Buck darted away to the kitchen, to which Maddie just grinned even wider, looking insanely proud.

“Yup.”

“This whole place?” Chim asked, pride and awe filling his voice.

Maddie nodded, then she cleared her throat “Shoes off, please.”

Athena chuckled, moving to comply, realizing that they were all just staring at the entryway and hadn’t moved. Bobby followed suit, neatly lining his shoes up next to hers, then he moved off to look at the frames lining the small hallway that led to the kitchen.

The first one held a watercolour of a desert, three camels and shrouded figures. It was bright and not something Bobby would’ve anticipated Buck would own. There were initials in the corner of the scene, JT. The next work was an ocean scene, as if the artist had been floating in the ocean and was painting just what their eyes could see. But the colours were more muted, stormy. Another JT adorned the bottom. The third one was a mountain scape, one he vaguely felt he should recognize. Brilliantly pink cherry blossoms adorned the trees below the mountain, and another JT signature. As Bobby examined the last one, Buck reappeared, subtly concentrating on his breathing, willing himself to stay calm as his family entered his house. After this, he wouldn’t have a space to push them away from, he was letting them in again and he was terrified.

“Where is this?” A question Buck could answer, he took a deep breath and as he let it out, answered Bobby.

“Mount Yoshino, in Japan.”

“And this one?” that was Chim, pointing at the ocean.

“Technically, the Adriatic Sea, but they all look similar in watercolour.”

“And?” Hen pointed at the last one.

“The Sahara,” interjected Maddie, “which is apparently where people sandsurf.”

“Who’s JT?” Bobby again.

“Why don’t you come in, sit down, and we can talk, huh?” Buck did his best to keep his nerves down as he wandered back into the kitchen, Maddie bypassing the rest of the squad to partake of the drinks and snacks Buck had set out at the breakfast bar. Maddie hopped up into her self-appointed chair, pouring herself a glass of what she knew would be the freshest lavender lemonade she’d ever had as she tracked Buck’s movements.

She knew he was nervous, which was why she’d brought them by earlier, so that Buck wouldn’t spend another hour in his own head. As he tossed her a napkin, she caught a glimpse of Buck’s grateful smile.

The rest of the squad was milling about awkwardly, and as much as she wanted to watch them flounder, it would make Buck more anxious.

“Sit down, everyone, please,” Maddie exclaimed, prompting most of them to gather around the breakfast bar, except for Eddie, and Bobby who stepped forward into the kitchen, eyes alighting on the dual ovens, the granite countertops, and the double fridge.

“Uh, Bobby, you okay?” Chim asked, a teasing lilt to his voice.

“Uh huh,” replied Bobby, eyes still skating over the kitchen, falling in love with it the more he looked.

“I think he’s leaving me for your kitchen, Buckaroo,” Athena commented, laughing at her husband as she poured herself some lemonade too. Hen giggled as she munched on homemade hummus and fresh vegetables.

“It is a gorgeous kitchen,” Bobby commented, “Nicely chosen, kid.” Buck blushed and smiled, then he stretched out a hand, indicating that Bobby was free to browse.

In the meantime, Maddie picked up a cherry tomato, rolling it between her fingers, contemplating it.

“No, Maddie,” Buck and Chim chorused together, “Jinx,” they said, pausing to weigh each other’s next words, “Jinx again.”

“Fine, no projectiles made out of food,” replied Maddie, popping the tomato into her mouth.

“What’re you, six years old?” Buck quipped at her.

“That’s my line, bro!”

“Usually, yeah.”

Buck realized that Eddie had been unusually quiet and he hadn’t dared do more than sneak a few side looks at the man. He took a chance and found himself looking at an Eddie who was obviously feeling some sort of strong emotion, although Buck couldn’t identify whether it was positive or negative.

“Eddie?” Buck moved over to his friend who was fixated on his fridge, but Buck held back the hand he would usually rest on Eddie’s back to reassure him.

Maddie’s eyes alighted on what might be causing Eddie to feel deeply, but it was Hen who remarked upon them.

“Is that one of Denny’s drawings?” Hen asked, and Buck turned, another blush dusting his face as he nodded. Athena stood up, after swiping another carrot to come over and look “That one’s Harry’s right? And,” Athena paused, noting how many pictures from Chris were on the fridge, plus one that depicted Eddie, Buck, and Chris with the words ‘My Family’ underneath it.

“You kept all of them,” said Eddie, turning to pin Buck with his eyes. Buck nodded, biting his lip out of nerves, “God broke the mould making you, Buck” he murmured, too quiet for Buck to hear. Eddie came over to pull Buck into a tight hug, “Congrats on all of this,” he stepped back and gesticulated at the room, showing more emotion than usual. Although, Maddie considered, he often did, around Buck.

“Thanks,” Buck replied, then he cleared his throat as Eddie hopped up on another chair on the other side of the breakfast bar, getting Chim to pass him a glass of cucumber water.

“So, how’d you find this place?” Chim asked.

Another question he knew how to answer, well, kind of. “I’d been looking for awhile, after Abby and Ali, I wanted a better place. Somewhere to settle, you know,” he looked up from the floor to see Maddie grinning at him, Chim nodding, and Hen gesturing for him to continue, “I actually found it through Stan though, the vet next door?” They nodded, making the connection.

“Where’d you meet him though?” That was Eddie.

“Volunteering,” replied Buck, realizing again just how much of his life he’d hidden from his family, feeling a bit ashamed.

“But where?” Again, Eddie. Then a pause, “Sorry, that’s a bit aggressive for questions isn’t it?” Now Eddie had ducked his head, looking at his glass of water.

“No, it’s okay,” Buck responded, “It’s why I called you here. I’m…” he paused, then the words rushed out, “I’m willing to be an open book, to answer your questions. Not just today, at least if you want to know,” Maddie could tell he was working himself up, but it was Bobby who helped him down now. He moved from a drawer he’d been examining to come over to Buck and squeeze his arm, “We do want to know, as long as you’re sure you’re ready to share?”

Buck shot Bobby a grateful look.

“I am. I am sure,” he turned back to his team, his family. “I met Stan at the VA downtown, they’ve got a volunteer program and he showed me the ropes of being a Patient Escort. After the truck, he came to see me and talk. You might have noticed he lost his leg, gave me some good perspective he did,” Buck shook his head a bit, “Told him I was looking in the area and he brought me to see it one day. There was a lot of work to be done, so I bought it but didn’t plan to move in until later, I needed some renos done first.”

“When’d you move in then?” Chim’s question, “Because we know you paid first and last on Wells’ place when he overtook your lease months back, so when?”

Bobby sighed, as Buck turned red, he hadn’t thought Tyrone would tell them that.

Hen flicked Chim in the head. “What?”

“You’re embarrassing him,” Hen said in a faux-quiet tone. Buck just turned redder.

“What, so you’re a better person than most, what is there to be ashamed of in that?” exclaimed Chim, dusting off Hen’s comments, aiming his words at Buck.

Buck cleared his throat “Anyway, what was your question again? Does it matter?” he stalled for time, because he knew the exact day in fact, but he knew Bobby and Athena would recognize it and he didn’t want to shatter their peace.

Maddie didn’t make the connection, so she huffed and answered Chim’s question, while both Athena and Bobby tensed, recognizing the date.

“Is that true, Buckaroo?” Athena’s tone brooked no messing around.

Buck nodded.

“Ah, shit,” muttered Bobby, “I’m sorry, kid.”

“You couldn’t of known Bobby,” Buck told him, “Don’t, okay. It’s over.”

Sensing a change of topic was desperately required, Hen pivoted to the watercolours from earlier. “So, who’s JT?”

“Topic jump much, Hen?” muttered Eddie.

“You do better, Eddie!” hissed Hen.

Buck patted Bobby on the arm before answering Hen’s question “Someone from my old unit, Jennifer Torn. One of the best night stalkers I’ve ever met.”

“Night stalker?” That was Athena, but Eddie answered her for Buck.

“They’re from the Army Special Operations Aviation Command Unit. Usually, they act as armed escorts, fire support, or infiltration experts, particularly via air support.”

“And exfiltration too,” Buck nodded, he took another breath, “So, why don't we stop tiptoeing around it, huh? Ask.” No one said anything. Buck leaned back against the kitchen island, but no one knew where to start.

Then Maddie piped up, “I think I was promised I could lead a tour.”

Buck huffed out a laugh, “Go for it, sis. I’ll get dinner together.”

“Come along,” Maddie poked Chim and Hen, both starting at the prodding and slowly they slid off their chairs.

“Do you want help?” Bobby asked, as Hen prodded Athena.

“I’m good on this one, Bobby. Promise, go.” Buck raised his eyebrows at Eddie, then jerked his head “I wouldn’t keep Maddie waiting.”

“Yeah, cause she’s the scary Buckley, right?”

“Yup,” Buck popped the ‘p’ at the end of the word, “Go, Eds. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“I’m holding you to that,” Eddie walked over to Buck, reaching across him to put his empty glass in the sink, “We still have to talk,” he murmured as his hand brushed Buck’s chest.

  
“We will,” Buck murmured, breath hitching just a touch.

“Okay.”

“Eddie!” called Maddie.

Both men winced, then laughed, and Eddie left to join the impromptu tour as Buck pulled out dinner prep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be more to the tour.
> 
> Read N.K. Jemisin's books!


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of the house tour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for showing this story some love! Your comments make me smile and help motivate me. 
> 
> I do not own 9-1-1 or Hawaii Five-0.

“This is the formal living room, adjacent to the dining room” Maddie commented as she led the squad into the next room, which was just a stone’s throw from the kitchen and visible if one turned around from the breakfast bar. The dining room could be separated from the living by some doors, but now they were open for everyone to see.

“Formal living room?” Chim parroted.

“Uh huh,” Maddie replied.

“Does Buck have a formal bone in his body?” Chim inquired even as they all stepped forward to inspect it.

“You’d be surprised,” Maddie told him, watching in amusement as their family moved as a group, almost unsure of whether they were actually being allowed in this space and doing their best not to upset the joy she was sure they were feeling.

Athena’s eyes ran over both the fireplace and the mantlepiece, tastefully supporting several frames, some empty, some full. She stepped closer, pausing at a photo of what must have been Buck and Maddie when they were younger. A smiling Maddie was holding a tiny Buck’s hand as he walked alongside her.

“Why did I never think to ask about this?” Hen remarked, her voice overflowing with fondness as she came to look at the photo with Athena while Chim flopped down on the couch, admitting that it was both stylish and comfortable before pulling Maddie down to sit with him. “Tiny Buck, ‘Thena. Baby Buck!” her voice was almost a coo and Athena had to laugh, although she had to admit, Buck was a cute kid.

“He’s got more than me,” Maddie called out from the couch, “Somehow when he left he decided to take the family photos with him, you know instead of something useful,” she tipped her head to rest on Chim’s shoulder, “I’m glad he did.”

“He wouldn’t be Buck if he hadn’t,” Chim continued, nodding.

Athena picked up one of the empty frames, noticing some writing on the blank white in the frame, then she almost dropped it. “They’re for us?” she turned to Maddie, who nodded in response to the question. She showed it to Hen, the words ‘Grant-Nash Family’ was penciled onto the white paper.

“He wanted to wait until he could get a favourite from each of you,” Maddie grinned again, “Well, most of you,” she pointed out the one near the middle, which drew everyone’s attention and once again caused Eddie to blush. Next to an empty ‘Diaz Family’ frame was a picture of Buck, Eddie, and Chris at the station, from the Christmas party he’d helped plan.

Deciding it was time to move on, Maddie pulled herself up and off the couch, which really was too comfortable for its own good, and she ushered everyone past the second couch and loveseat to the left of the house. “Wait, there’s no tv in his living room?” Chim asked as they moved on, confusion evident in his voice, “Buck loves video games.” Then he paused, “Right?” he looked at the rest of the squad, suddenly second guessing everything he knew about his friend. The short hallway Maddie led them through was wider than most standard hallways and was lined by two tall bookcases. “That’s a lot of books,” Chim commented, hesitating, then stepping out to run a hand over their spines noting everything from Jack Reacher novels to Tolstoy on the shelves. “Before a few months ago, I never saw him read.”

“Me neither,” Eddie agreed, going to stand with Chim, noticing that the lower shelves were dotted both with comic books and kids books that he knew Chris loved to read. It made his heart leap in a happy way, because this was Buck’s place and yet it still held so much love for Chris. And, maybe if he went about it properly, it could be a space where he could have love again too.

“You wouldn’t happen to know how he organizes his books, would you?” Athena queried, “Because May asked me to bring back a book for Buck, it’s in the car. I’m supposed to return with the sequel.”

“I’m sure he already has it out,” Maddie reassured her, “Come on,” and she opened one of the two doors in the hall, exclaiming, “Behold the informal living room!”

“This is what I expected, but also what?!” Maddie really was enjoying Chim’s reactions, even more so because she was recording them on her phone for Buck to watch later. As she moved aside to let them in, she heard Bobby whistle under his breath. Buck had gone all out with his games room. A large flat-screen took up just under half of one wall while his collection of DVDs, CDs, and video games took up the rest of the wall in a cabinet. Plushy couches, extra pillows, and more floor seating had been his vision for this room and it had been executed perfectly. His gaming systems were situated underneath the television.

Behind the couches, a pool table that Maddie had discovered could flip into an air hockey table was situated. A bar was set in the corner, a mini-fridge stocked with pop, and on the walls were various movie posters, Playbills, and the occasional musical score sheet.

Bobby sank onto a bar stool, just shaking his head, unable to compute what he was seeing and suddenly, he was glad Maddie was giving the tour. “How much of this was already here?”

Maddie settled next to him, “Honestly?” Bobby nodded. “None of it. He had renos done and he had a bed in his room, but the rest of this wasn’t here. And, actually, none of this” she gestured at the furniture “was here up until a few months ago. After Steve and Danny left he started to actually decorate, something Danny said to him motivated him to do it.”

“So, he did this” Bobby gestured at the room “in a few months, all on his own?”

“Well, he had me, and I know the kids gave some opinions. He and May went to a paint store or two a few weeks back for the guest rooms,” Maddie admitted, “but mostly, yeah, he did it on his own.”

Bobby sighed, “I wish we could have helped.”

“That’s a start,” Maddie told him, patting his knee gently, taking a moment to watch Eddie’s eyes trace over a Playbill from RENT and Athena nod in approval at the framed U.S. Marshals poster. Then she slid off the stool, clapping her hands as if she was gathering a class of elementary school children, “Upstairs we go. If anyone is feeling faint, feel free to avail yourself of the elevator,” she commented, gesturing idly at a red wall panel as they walked back past the books.

“The what?” Hen stalled the group, putting out a hand, calling Maddie out on her nonchalance.

“The elevator,” Maddie came over to press a discrete button, as the door opened to reveal an actual working elevator, big enough for at least three adults, “It’s up to code. You didn’t think Fire Marshal Buckley would have it any other way, did you?” Oh, she was enjoying this tour so much. The squad was open-mouthed.

Bobby recovered first, “Okay, but this was here before, right?”

Maddie shook her head “Nope, it was one of the additions he made before moving in,” her voice was a bit quieter and her smile dimmed a bit “Just in case… he made changes, just in case he isn’t so lucky in the future.”

A grim silence gripped them all as they read into what Maddie wasn’t saying. Buck had put in precautions in case he ended up losing a leg, or something else happened to him.

Surprisingly, Eddie broke the silence. “I’m shocked Chris didn’t let this slip at least,” he stepped forward, inspecting the elevator before Chim gently shoved him in, tugging Hen along.

“See you upstairs!” Chim called as Hen pressed a button and the doors closed.

“He put it in for Chris too, right?” Athena asked Maddie.

“What do you think?” Maddie replied, her smile coming back.

Upstairs, the elevator doors opened onto a little sunken couch area with a magnificent view of the city, and just a sliver of the ocean. More books lined the windows, making the space a veritable library nook.

“How many rooms?” Hen asked as Maddie appeared at the top of the steps, Eddie having gone to gaze out at the view and Chim, once again at the bookshelves.

“Umm, four. Four bedrooms. There are seven bathrooms. One in the games room just past the bar, another just off the entryway, one in the gym (which is out back), and one attached to each room.”

“He wasn’t kidding about settling,” Chim remarked, fixing Eddie with an expectant look.

“What?” Eddie replied, defensively.

“I give up,” Chim sighed, throwing up his hands, going back over to Maddie, “Please, continue showing us around, Maddie.”

As the rest of the squad gave Eddie fond looks, they set off down the hall, skipping the first door, and entering the first guest room. It was large and spacious, done up in light grey with green details throughout.

“Modern, light, and airy,” commented Athena, “It’s like a hotel, but more comfortable looking.”

“Yeah, and the mattresses are comfy. I went with him,” Maddie told her.

The next door was a linen closet, which Chim still crowed over. “Look at that organization, everyone! Go Buck.”

Another guest room followed, with grey and blue details, and this bathroom had a shower/tub combo instead of just a shower like the other one.

But when they got to the last room, Maddie moved away “I think you should open this one,” she said, speaking to Eddie whose brow furrowed in confusion, then he spoke “He didn’t actually…?”

“Go ahead,” Maddie prompted him, and after a shove from Hen he reached out and twisted the door handle.

Eddie is sure he’s dreaming, because when Chris had told him proudly that he had a room at Buck’s he’d smiled, sure that Buck had made Chris feel that way even if it wasn’t technically accurate. But it was. It was so true.

Glow-in-the-dark stars littered the ceiling, dark blue sheets with a red plaid throw were on the bed, and a little Lego building station took up a corner of the room. A spare pair of Chris’s glasses rested on the nightstand along with a book Eddie couldn’t see the cover of.

From the hallway, each squad member peeked in, but no one wanted to disturb Eddie’s internal freak-out, so quietly they all made their way back down the hall, Maddie saying something about Buck not having made his bed to deflect questions about his room. Only Bobby hung back, watching Eddie make a slow circle in the room that wholeheartedly belonged to his kid.

“You okay?” Bobby murmured, leaning on the doorframe.

“I…” Eddie’s eyes were wet but he had no idea when he’d started crying “How? Why?”

“I think you’re going to have to ask him that,” Bobby said, “but I think, you’ll be okay.”

Eddie shook his head, still unsure and afraid, but also so damn hopeful.

“We should go back down,” but Eddie didn’t move. When he finally did, he looked straight at Bobby “He’s got a big heart, your kid.”

“Yeah, he does.”

“We’ve got to protect it.”

“That we do.”

“And it’s a privilege.”

Bobby nodded, then stepped out into the hallway and as Eddie shut the door to Chris’s room behind him, they fell in step together. Just as they reached the end of the hall, they heard Chim in the living room, exclaiming over something else.

Everyone else was downstairs, but Bobby paused, Eddie halting alongside him as Bobby reached out to the last door, the one they’d skipped. Neither of them had heard Maddie’s excuses. Maddie herself didn’t know why Buck had asked her to skip his room, but Buck had asked, so she had complied.

“Bobby?” Eddie could see his captain fighting with something, “What is it?”

“I need to know,” Bobby murmured more to himself than to Eddie, the image of his immaculate guest room floating to the front of his brain, and that made him twist the handle to open the door.

Both men stepped inside the room, pulling the door shut, unsure why they were trying to be covert, but they were anyways. Bobby reached around for a light to illuminate the dark room and swore under his breath while Eddie swore out loud, though thankfully quietly.

Every room that they had seen so far screamed out Buck, even if it featured parts of his personality that they weren’t wholly familiar with yet, but there were things, everywhere, making the rooms homey and real.

Buck’s room was sterile, almost completely devoid of personality, with two notable exceptions.

One, a large, solid looking bedframe took centre stage in the room. Two, a card on the bedside table that Eddie picked up and read.

_Sent you a hand-carved one anyways. Use it someday._

_Please, Pup._

_\- S_

Eddie was drawn back to months ago, when Danny had called while he and Buck were doing the dishes at Bobby and Athena's house. “Steve sent it. Buck told him months ago that he hadn’t bought a new one,” Eddie turned to look at Bobby, who looked like he’d been punched in the gut. “There’s no mattress, Bobby. Where has he been sleeping?” Eddie’s eyes took in the rest of the room, large as it was, and landed Bobby, holding up an old LAFD blanket, that had been folded up in the window seat.

“I knew something was really wrong,” Bobby muttered, looking at the window seat, eyes scanning it as if it could tell him all of Buck’s secrets.

“Wait, you don’t think he…”

“He’s sleeping in a window-seat, has been for months” Bobby finished Eddie’s sentence for him “Yeah, I do.” Bobby let out a rattling breath as Eddie came to his side, squeezing his shoulder in a show of support. “How is he up and around right now?”

“We’ll have to ask him, Bobby” Eddie said, quietly “but later. I don’t think Maddie knows. I doubt Athena would’ve let this stand, so they probably didn't come in here. I’ll ask him later.”

Bobby’s lip trembled then he took a deep breath. “Be happy now, ask hard questions later.”

They slipped out of Buck’s room, flipping off the light switch, but they left the blanket ruffled, unbeknownst to them, a sign of their presence remained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last room in the house itself to see in the next chapter.
> 
> *If I go back and edit for grammar and spelling the story gets updated, but that doesn't always mean a new chapter. Sorry for any confusion that has caused. 
> 
> Thank you all for your amazing comments!


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Questions, guilt, and dinner begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm aware that forgiveness and redemption are complicated subjects. Not everyone is going to agree with how they're being handled here. I'm modelling some of this off of personal experiences, so this is my interpretation of how forgiveness can start. 
> 
> NB: Forgiving someone doesn't mean forgetting. 
> 
> I do not own 9-1-1 or Steve McGarrett (who is briefly mentioned below).

Unfortunately, every step Bobby took felt like it added a weight to his stomach and as they joined everyone in the living room where Buck was, he couldn’t bring himself to look at his son. When Buck caught sight of Bobby and Eddie at the bottom of the stairs, his nose twitched, then he put his glass down, a contemplative look on his face. 

But he let it be, for the moment, enjoying having his family in his home. He knew it hadn’t been long, especially in the grand scheme of things, but over the past few weeks there had been something he’d brought up again and again in his sessions with Ben, forgiveness. 

*Flashback*

“What does it mean to forgive someone? From your perspective?” 

“Are you asking me the questions now, Buck?” Ben had smiled, but he inclined his head, “Why do you want to know?”

“Because I’m trying to figure out my own boundaries with it.”

“Well, I’d say forgiveness is really an opening, rather than a complete action. It gives people the opportunity to make things right, rather than being everything. What do you think it would mean to forgive your old crew?”

Buck sat for a moment, thinking his words through and then he spoke “Nate told me that forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. I agree. If I forgave them, I would get to keep moving on, keep moving forward. I’m making these steps, but without forgiveness on my side, I feel stalled.”

Ben leaned back in his chair, eyes narrowed, nodding his head. “There’s definitely truth to the idea of forgiveness being something you can do for yourself, but I need to ask, you’re not thinking about going back before your temporary transfer expires, are you?”

“No,” Buck replied, “the trust for that isn’t there, not yet. But if we start forgiveness now, if I start, maybe we can eventually get me back there. V told me I can stay on for as long as I need to, and she already asked if I could tack on another month or two. Peyton’s recovery is going slower than anticipated. ”

Ben moved forward in his chair now, “Do you think you’re being soft on them, because you miss them?”

Buck shook his head, “I do miss them, but I need this” and knocked a fist against his good leg “just like I knew I needed to transfer, I need to start somewhere. Besides, forgiving them, even slightly, doesn’t mean I’m going to forget. This isn’t a chance to wipe the slate clean, but if we start from a place that I’m familiar with, they have a clear choice.”

“So, what do you want to do?”

“I want to tell them who I am and then see what happens.”  
“And if it’s negative?”

“Then at least I know, I can close that door, forever.”

“Could you, do that?”

“I’d have to, there would be no other option.”

“Okay, let’s strategize then.”

*End Flashback*

“Are you two going to sit down?” Buck had an idea of what was making them nervous, but he wanted to let them sweat it for a bit. He’d told Maddie to keep Chris’s room for last, he’d figured that Eddie would spend some time in it, and Bobby, who was basically everyone’s dad would hang back to make sure that Eddie was okay. He’d figured that his room would prove to be too much of a temptation for Bobby, who he’d figured already had suspicions about his ruined sleep given having actually witnessed one of his nightmares and the increase in the amount of times he texted Buck asking about his sleep. Bobby had offered up the guest room in his own house several times when he’d heard about tough calls for the 106, likely from Teo. 

“There’s about twenty minutes until actual dinner.”

“Which is?” Maddie inquired from where she sitting on the couch, Buck casually lounging next to her, with Chim on Buck’s other side.

“Nothing from the map, Mads. Just good old eggplant parm,” Buck replied, gesturing again for Eddie and Bobby to sit, which they finally did, although Athena kept shooting them looks that meant she could scent their guilt too. Buck guessed a better person wouldn’t enjoy this, but well, it felt good to be comfortable and watch the people he cared about, for better or worse, figure out how to navigate his new life. The life he’d built without them and watch them wait to see if he’d let them fit into it. 

Plus, boundaries really were a thing they all needed to talk about. He’d had a really healthy talk about it with Maddie just after Steve and Danny left. It had been good for both him and her, after all they were both dealing with trauma in less than ideal ways. But that was a conversation they could have if the 118 made it through tonight. 

Buck noticed Hen had actually raised her hand after his response “Yes, Hen?”

“What does from the map mean?” 

“I used to travel a lot and picked up dishes from those places. Maddie put up a map in my gym and we’ve been testing my memory by throwing darts at it and having me cook food from the regions I’ve been to,” he nudged Maddie with his shoulder, “It saves on her postmate orders.”

“Plus, I get to have dinner with you,” commented Maddie, nudging him back. 

“Also, please don’t raise your hand. It’s okay. I told you, I’ll answer your questions.”

“I’ve got one, why?”

Buck cocked his head at Chim “Care to elaborate, Chim?”

“Why are you answering our questions? Why are you letting us in your house? Why are you call us family when we’ve acted nothing like it for awhile?”

“Which one do you want me to answer first?” Buck asked, casually, but he could see the tension in the rest of the 118 and Athena. Maybe this was a good step, kudos to Chim for getting to the heart of the problem. Why indeed. Chim looked confused, but Buck clarified “I’m not dismissing your questions. I’m serious, which one do you want me to answer first?”

“The last one,” Chim decided, looking at Buck who nodded once, then got up, needing to pace to get his thoughts together. 

“Maddie and I didn’t have much of a family growing up. When mom was alive it wasn’t great, but it was survivable. She did whatever she could to make our lives brighter. When Maddie left,” he shot Maddie a soft look, that she acknowledged, looking sad “things got… dimmer and when mom died it was like the world had snuffed out my stars. The only direction I had was a basic desire to survive, to eventually get out and live a life that could only belong to me. When I left Hershey, I put a pin in the idea of family. To me, it was a live grenade, not worth it, usually resulting in massive trauma.”

Buck stopped pacing for a moment, but no one said anything, so he started up again, continuing to talk as he did so.

“I eventually found people who reminded me that being open wasn’t a bad thing and that maybe, building a family, no mattered how mismatched, wasn’t necessarily a death sentence. But of course, there’s only one of them left now.”

“McGarrett?” Athena’s was quiet, almost just a breath. Buck nodded. 

“So, I started thinking, maybe it was me that family didn’t agree with. Maybe, I wasn’t meant to have one, so when I joined the 118, I dismissed the idea of it outright. Until my first shift,” he huffed out a laugh, stopping to look at Bobby, lips twitching into an almost smile, then his eyes travelled to Hen and then Chim “and my second, and my third. I put on the most exuberant and obnoxious front, in equal measures mind you, and yet you all drew me in anyways. I was in so much pain and yet, you helped me through it all.” He ran a hand through his hair, letting out a huff of frustration “You weren’t my family over the past few months, you’re right, but my heart had already latched onto you as family. I wasn’t letting it go again without a fight. I did this for me. You may not have helped save me this time, but you did a few years ago.”

Buck slumped, leaning back against his mantle, fixing them all with a piercing look.

“As for why you’re here? I asked you to come. You came. That’s a step, towards something. And the questions, I’ve never really had a chance to talk about all of it with anyone, and I figure it’s a litmus test if nothing else.”

A beep sounded from the kitchen. Buck pushed off from the mantle, only to have Hen stand up quickly too, Chimney at her back. “Buck, can we…?”

“Can we hug you, man?” 

Buck looked a bit taken aback at the question, but nodded, finding himself ensconced in an embrace from both firefighters. 

A beep sounded from the kitchen again.

“Umm, guys, it’d be super embarrassing if my house caught fire, so…” they both stepped back as Maddie got up too, prompting everyone else to also stand up. 

“Do you want help?” Maddie asked. 

“Eddie and Bobby can help me,” Buck stated, catching the two men in his peripheral vision, watching them both freeze “Can you pour water and drinks?” 

“Sure,” Maddie ushered everyone over to the dining room, while Bobby and Eddie followed Buck into the kitchen. 

Eddie was sure Bobby was feeling the same guilt that he was, and even though Buck’s food smelled delicious he was sure he’d be unable to taste anything. “Buck,” he said, trying to figure out what to say, but Buck beat him to it. 

“I figured at least one of you would let your curiosity overcome you,” he remarked, grabbing some oven mitts and turning off his oven, “You might notice the door wasn’t locked, while my study is,” Bobby and Eddie traded looks as Buck pulled the dish out of the oven. “I asked Maddie to take you around in a specific order. I figured you’d hang back.” He placed the hot dish down, directing Eddie to the plates and pulling out a knife and serving lifter. 

“You…”  
“Set you up? Yeah,” Buck told Bobby, taking the stack of plates from Eddie to set them up near the cooling dish, waiting a moment, before poking it with a knife. “I know I’m not okay. Hell, sometimes I feel a little broken, but that doesn’t mean I need to be put together again. I’m not looking for any of you to ‘fix’ me. I’m working on my issues, okay?” He rested the knife on one of his dishes, turning to look at both men. “If this is going to work, you need to give me what I need and right now, that’s trust.”

Bobby opened his mouth, but Eddie put a hand on his shoulder, making him pause. 

“You’re getting help?”

Buck nodded, eyes locked with Eddie’s, almost challenging him to push more, but Eddie just held his gaze for a moment longer then nodded. 

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Bobby blurted out, “We shouldn’t have invaded your privacy like that, even if you planned for it.”

“I accept your apology,” Buck murmured, then he tacked on something else, “Forgiving any of you doesn’t mean forgetting, you know that, right?”

“Yes,” both men spoke in unison.

“Okay,” then Buck passed Eddie and Bobby two plates, “Go on.” He started to pick up the remaining three plates, “I actually did bartend in South America for awhile, Bobby. I’m good.”

They took his word for it and walked out into the dining room.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner, dessert, and the beginning of the flashbacks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1.
> 
> Read the end notes for some info on the next few chapters.

As they settled in to eat, there was a brief silence filled only by the sounds of clinking cutlery and the scraping of metal on plates before Chim made a noise of surprise, exclaiming “It’s good?” 

Maddie made it no secret that she kicked him under the table, but Buck just rolled his eyes, resting a hand briefly on Maddie’s arm. In response, she aimed another kick at Chim, who’d had the forethought to move his feet out of the range of Maddie’s feet, but he wasn’t out of range of Hen, who aimed her own kick.

“Seriously?” Athena murmured, looking with exasperation at all of them, then she turned to Buck, “But he’s right. It’s good, Buck.”

“And…?” Buck’s voice was calm, collected, maybe even a hint teasing.

“How long have you known how to cook?” It wasn’t Athena, but Bobby who asked, and Buck’s eyes flicked from one to the other.

“A couple of years,” Buck’s reply offered little information, so Bobby took a chance, pressing to point a bit. 

“But then why did you ask…”

“You to teach me?” Buck picked up what Bobby was getting at, putting down his fork, he was grateful his hands weren’t shaking, and picked up his glass to take a sip of water, thinking how best to answer Bobby. He decided on the truth, or most of it, more would come later. “I hadn’t cooked in a year or two when I joined the 118. The best way to get back into practice is to learn again,” he put his glass down then, eyes moving from Bobby’s face to fixate on the table, “Besides, it was nice to have someone teach me. Most of what I know I learned on the fly and through trial and error.” 

“Well, this is certainly a success,” Bobby replied, his voice cracked a bit, but no one mentioned it, “You’ll have to show me how to make it.”

Buck’s eyes flicked back from the table cloth to Bobby’s face, then he nodded, slightly. 

After another moment, Maddie decided to jump in and ask Hen about Denny, taking the attention off of Buck and Bobby. They spent the rest of the meal discussing light topics, but as people’s plates were scraped clean a heaviness settled over them, bringing about another pause, but then Buck moved his chair back and Maddie stood with him. 

“Dessert,” was all Maddie said as she collected the plates, and Buck disappeared into the kitchen. Maddie followed him with the plates, having brushed off both Chim and Eddie’s offers of help. 

“Want me to make the coffee?” she murmured as Buck removed the dessert he created from the fridge. 

“Please.” 

The siblings worked in silence, Maddie occasionally squeezing Buck’s arm in comfort as they brushed past each other in the kitchen, Maddie grabbing mugs and Buck plating dessert. 

“You doing okay?”

“So far,” Buck replied.

“This can stop at any time, Buck. If you’re not ready you don’t have to tell them anything. Hell, you’ve told me more than I ever thought you would.”  
Maddie came to lean against the counter as Buck counted out spoons for coffee and forks for dessert. 

“I never liked keeping secrets. And I just want to get this night over with, because then I’ll know, if they were worth it or not. Then I’ll know whether I want to come back at all,” he replied, voice quiet and calm. 

“I’ve got you, Buck.”

He slightly hip checked sister who gently shoved him back. “I know, Mads.”

“I’ll start taking coffee out,” she turned away and picked up two mugs.

“Maddie?”

“Yeah, Buck?”

“Thank you.” Maddie knew he wasn’t talking about the coffee. 

“You’re welcome.”

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 

The laugh Bobby let out when Buck presented him his dessert was borne out of surprise and delight. “Of course you remembered that,” Bobby said, gazing down at the slice of flan on a plate in front of him.

“Promised, didn’t I?” Buck quipped, as he passed out other plates. 

Bobby was struck again by how important Buck’s word was to him.

“Yeah, you did, kid.” 

He took off a small piece with a fork and closed his eyes as he tasted it. 

“It’s amazing, Buck.”

“Good,” Buck murmured, taking his seat again, a light blush colouring his cheeks. 

Exclamations of delight echoed from around the table, but Buck didn’t respond to them beyond a ducked head. He had known he wouldn’t be able to stomach dessert he had barely eaten a half portion of dinner. His insides were swirling, but as he sipped his coffee, complete with grass-fed butter, which he’d prepped in the kitchen, he felt himself settle a bit. Even if it all went sideways now, he still had Steve and Danny. And Maddie. He still had Chris and Carla. He had May, Harry, and Denny. He would get through whatever this night threw at him. 

His eyes locked with Eddie’s briefly, then purposefully shifted his gaze away. 

Well, maybe almost everything. He’d have to see where that conversation went first. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

After plates were cleared again, this time insistently done by Chim and Hen under the direction of Maddie, they all found themselves hovering in the dining room, unsure of what was going to happen next. Well, except for Buck, who, when he cleared his throat immediately got everyone’s attention.

“There’s one last room y’all need to see.” He beckoned them after him as they passed through the living room, past his bookcases, and then paused at the other door in the hallway that led to the informal living room. 

Buck pulled a key from his pocket, unlocking the door, then stepped back after flipping a switch. “Go on.”

“Ummm,” that was Chim, hesitant about why Buck would have a locked room at all, when Maddie clapped her hands “You finished it?”

Buck nodded, a small smile on his face, “It’s just a study, folks. Nothing dangerous,” and at that Athena moved forward, her curiosity winning out, followed quickly by Eddie, then Bobby and the other three. 

Buck slipped in behind them, closing the door quietly, leaning back against it, purposefully keeping his breathing slow and measured. It was a rather large room, so they could fit in it comfortably. There was a fireplace in it just like in the living room, but it was the mantle that drew Eddie’s eye first. On it was something that pulled him forward, tuning out everyone else’s comments as he walked towards the distinctive triangle shaped box. It was such a sharp shape to hold people’s memories, but Eddie supposed that it echoed the sharp corners of the flag folded into the box. He didn’t make a move to touch it, but he stepped closer, not even noticing that the chatter behind him had stopped sounding altogether. 

There was a name engraved at the bottom of the box:

Captain Nathan Morgan  
Wingman, Brother, and Beloved

Of the two dates on it, the last one marked a mere year and a half before Buck joined the 118.

Eddie had suspected what it was the moment he’d seen it. They don’t just give out flags to anyone at military funerals, but having it confirmed to him, now he felt tears collect in his eyes. Buck had suffered so much before him, and he’d never pushed to find out more about the man he was falling in love with. He’d been content to take whatever scraps of information Buck would drop into conversations, seemingly unconsciously. But this, God, Eddie thought back to when Shannon had passed. He’d been so out of it, merely grateful for Buck’s presence, but now that he thought about it, Buck had been able to help him in a way that no one else had, except Bobby. It made sense to him now, they’d all lost someone they loved, and yet Buck had never breathed a word of it. 

He tore his gaze away from the flag and its box, eyes anxious to find Buck’s, only to find Buck already looking at him, shoulders a bit hunched, jaw tense, arms wrapped tight around his torso in the parody of a hug. Eddie ached to go to him. To gather Buck up in his arms and promise him he’d never let go, but as he took a step in Buck’s direction Buck moved back a touch, even though he was already up against the wall. 

Eddie stopped, just now registering everyone who was now crowded around him and the mantle. Buck cleared his throat, no longer making eye contact with Eddie, eyes fixed on a point behind them all. “Sit, this’ll be easier if you all sit down.”

They all sat, taking up residence on couches, chairs, and the plush carpet, but Buck stayed by the door, not even approaching the armchair he loved best or his desk chair. The wall was solid and grounding, and right now he needed that; he closed his eyes to center himself before asking “Where do you want me to start?”

“McGarrett, how did that happen?” It would be Athena who would ask what everyone else was too scared to ask. 

“Well, Maddie already told you why I didn’t go to college right out of the gate?” his eyes opened, and he lifted his head to acknowledge their nods, eyes flicking briefly to his degree from Brown hung on the wall above his desk before turning back to the 118. “Well, I guess I’ll start there then.” 

*Flashback* 

Buck wasn’t sure he’d ever been in this much pain before. He rolled over onto his back, waiting to see if he could catch his breath, and cheered internally as he found he could breathe, although shallowly. His figured he had at least one or two broken ribs, but they might just be fractured as he ran a bloodied hand over his side. Yup, he remembered what broken felt like and that wasn’t it. Thank God. 

He paused, his shallow breathing halting too as he listened intently for any sign that his father was still around, but he heard nothing, not a floorboard creak or a snore. He might be gone, but who knew for how long. Buck had to get up and make himself scarce, there was no point being here any longer. He wouldn’t need mail, because there was no way in hell he could go to college now. Not with his father knowing where he might be, he couldn’t bring that down on a potential roommate or subject random students to that danger. He had to leave, but first he had to get his body on board with that plan.

It took him what felt like hours to get himself up, but he did it, even as his left knee screamed at him and his head ached in the light of the day. It was as he shifted his torso that he let out a shocked yell, pain lancing through him from his right shoulder, something he must have ignored until his brain got back online. He knew what that pain meant; it was dislocated. 

Growling through another spike of pain, he hurled himself at the wall, decently practiced at this although usually when relocating his shoulder he had two working legs. His left knee buckled, and he looked down, hesitantly, grateful not to see any bone sticking out. There were some nasty bruises on it though and a stinging cut, that had sluggishly congealed with dried blood. 

He was so damn grateful in that moment that he’d packed and hidden his car at the auto shop, something he’d been saving up for with evenings shifts at the diner and morning shifts at the garage. Penny, yeah, Penny could come get him and then hand over the keys. 

Settled on his goal, he forced himself to limp over to the phone, picking it up and dialling, praying the mechanic would pick up, and soon. He was feeling a bit dizzy. 

“Grantham’s Auto Shop,” a bored voice answered the phone and Buck felt a tendril of relief take root in his stomach. 

“Pen, it’s me.”

“Where the hell are you? You were supposed be here ten minutes ago,” Penny Grantham grumbled into the phone.

“I need you to pick me up.”

A car door slammed, and Buck almost dropped the phone, until he realized it was their next-door neighbour and not his father. 

“Robbie, what’s going on?” Penny was already gathering up his keys and flipping around the closed sign for the office.

“I… I can’t walk to the shop,” Buck’s voice cracked, but he just kept himself from breaking down, he couldn’t not here. He wasn’t safe here, in this house, he never had been. 

Pen growled, and although Buck knew it wasn’t directed at him he was tense enough that the sound forced him to let out a soft sob. 

“I’ll be there in 5 minutes.”

“Pen…”

“5 minutes, Robbie. Can you get to the door?”

“Umm, maybe?”

“Just stay where you are. I’m coming.”

Then the dial tone clicked on and Buck hung up the phone on instinct. His vision was swimming as he looked to the kitchen clock, seconds ticking away loudly. Five minutes. He could hold on for five more minutes.

Tbc… (to be continued)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters are going to include a significant amount of flashbacks, because it's better (in my opinion) to write about the moments than just have Buck relating them. 
> 
> *Reminder, I head canon Buck's middle name as Robert, so that's why Pen calls him Robbie.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more flashback. Some more truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Steve McGarrett or 9-1-1.

*Flashback continued*

Pen didn’t say a word as he slung a gentle arm under Buck’s arm, hoisting him off the floor of the Buckley kitchen and slowly limping toward his car. It took some maneuvering to get Buck into the front seat, but Pen still didn’t say anything as he turned on the car, and backed out of the drive-way. He drove slower than he had on the way over, but it was still faster than the speed limit, but he didn’t give a damn. It was just him, his car, and the damned kid he’d taken under his wing out on the roads for the moment. Still, it wasn’t far to the auto shop.

It was was Pen who broke the silence “Hosp…”

“No.” Buck cut him off before he could even finish saying the word. 

“Robert,” there was a firm tone in Pen’s voice, but still Buck shook his head.

“No hospital, Pen. ‘M eighteen now, you can’t make me.”

Pen knew the kid was right, but it didn’t make him happy. 

“On a scale of 1-10?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah, Robbie, right now. Unless it was worse when you woke up?”

Buck just shrugged, wincing as his shoulder twinged. 

“ ‘bout a six,” they drove over a rough patch of road and Buck clutched at his side, hissing in pain. 

“You wanna try that again for me?”

“Eight,” gasped out Buck, struggling to pull in shallow breaths. Pen muttered and Buck knew he was close to disregarding his wishes and heading for the hospital if he didn’t do something, “Please Pen, don’t.”

“This is your life I’m worried about!”

“He’ll find me. Won’t at the shop.”

And Pen paused at a fork in the road, knowing that the right turn could take him and the boy struggling to breathe in his passenger seat to town and the hospital. He turned left. 

“James is going to check you over.”

“Thank you,” gasped out Buck, as he regained a bit of his breath. He breathed even easier as they pulled into the back lot of Grantham’s. 

Pen stepped out of the vehicle, calling something out, but honestly, Buck felt tired and lightheaded, a bit nauseous too. He scrabbled for the door handle and caught it, opening it just in time to expel some bile onto the dirt and gravel as well as on himself, his seatbelt having locked.

“Shit,” someone exclaimed, and Buck felt a hand on his head and his confused brain forgot where he was, so he tried to jerk back, but the seatbelt kept him restrained. “Robbie? Stay awake, okay? Stay awake?” But Buck couldn’t follow the orders, he was too tired. He’d never been good at following instructions to keep himself safe anyways. The world went black for him, again. 

He came to in a dark room, on a bed that was definitely not his, with a dull ache thudding in his head and as he tried to move he felt his whole body protest. “Easy, easy, Robbie.” He jerked, painfully, then realized it wouldn’t be his father, only the guys at the shop and at the diner called him Robbie. He blinked, then a dim light came on, as the figure who’d spoken had gotten up to move the dimmer switch. “James?” he croaked, mouth dry. 

“Yup, gave us a damn scare, kid,” James came to sit next to him, taking a cup of water from the nightstand and guiding Buck’s hands to wrap around it.

“Where am I?”

“Pen’s room, over the shop,” James answered, trying to get Buck to drink some water.  
“I was late for work!” Buck’s voice cracked again, as he anxiously tried to move, “I’ve got to…”

“Sit your ass down, boy,” Pen had appeared in the doorway. His tone was firm and it made Buck freeze, too sensitive to potential danger. “You’re okay, Robbie,” he came to join James, nodding at the cup in Buck’s hands, “Drink.”

Buck drank, draining the cup quickly, keeping his eyes shut and then only opening them when he knew he could focus on the bed spread and not the two men next to him. 

“Sorry,” he murmured. 

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Pen’s voice was strained, but vaguely comforting, “Nothing. I’m glad you called.”

“Thanks for picking me up,” Buck murmured, quietly, picking at his bloodstained and ripped jeans, “Still sorry I was late.”

“Well, you’re not working today,” that was James, who’d stopped up to grab something, then lightly tapped Buck’s knee “Can you look up for me?” Buck did, and was met with a bright light, and shut his eyes again, wincing. “I know it’s not fun, but I need you to look at me for a few moments, kid. Please.” 

Slowly, Buck’s eyes opened and James briefly conducted a few tests, asking him what day it was and other questions that Buck knew the answers to, although some of his answers were more vague than others. As he put his mini-flashlight away James sighed “So, Pen tells me the hospital’s not an option, is that right?”

Buck swallowed nervously but nodded. Another sigh from James, although this one sounded more understanding than the first one. Buck’s brow furrowed, could sighs express emotions? Maybe? His mind was wandering again. He snapped back to attention as he heard his name “Robbie? You with us?”

“Yeah, James.”

“Okay, well, I’ve done what I can, but I want you to rest here” he put up a hand to stave off any protests “until I can deem you out of the window for concussion damage. If you have even a mild one you’ll need 7-10 days of bed rest,” another raise of his hand stopped Buck from speaking, “It’s either listen to me, the retired army medic, or I drag you to the hospital. Your choice.”

Buck shut his mouth so fast his teeth clicked together, jarring his whole head, making him wince. “We’re going to wake you up, every hour and ask you some questions, but you should go back to bed now,” James stood up and Pen did too; the two men left together, Pen remembering to flick off the light switch as they exited the room. 

“Do you really think he has a concussion?” Pen asked as they walked away, down the hall and into the main office for Grantham’s. 

“He might not, god knows he has taken enough hits for one though, but the vomiting and dizziness might be due to a lack of sleep or something else. We’ll see what he’s like after a day or two.”

Pen sunk into his chair, rubbing his hands over his face.

“Is the hospital really not an option, Pen?”

Pen nodded. “His old man’s got it out for him and I wouldn’t put it past him trying to do Robbie in at the hospital. That kid’s got a right to be scared.”

“And the cops?” James asked.

Pen chuckled, darkly, “They’d probably buy Evan Buckley Sr. a beer afterward and piss on the kid’s body after dumping it in a creek.”

James swore under his breath. 

“I’ll keep him here,” Pen said, turning back to his desk, decision made, “Until he’s well enough to tell me what he wants to do next.”

“I’ll check on him throughout the day and before I go home,” James told Pen, who nodded. James paused at the door though.

“Something else on your mind, James?”

“This isn’t the first time, is it?”

Pen shook his head, “Not sure what set him off this time. Honestly, it could’ve been that Robbie was breathing. There’s no excuse for it, ever.”

“Never thought there was,” agreed James, “That cut on his face, though that’s going to scar him for life I reckon. Do you think he’ll make it, away from here?”

Pen sighed, shrugging. “We’ll have to see, won’t we? But I’ve learned to never underestimate Robbie.”

*End of Flashback*

“I spent about five days at the garage, recovering, but word was our father had sent Rick, our local police chief, after me, so I left with my car, my stuff, and an extra week of pay cheques courtesy of the guys at the garage and Deb at the diner.”

“The police in your town…”

Maddie was the one to interrupt Athena’s words, exclaimed in anger “Yeah, they knew. Even if I never dealt with our father like that” she shot Buck a look sympathy “they always gave me the creeps.”

“Rick used to hit on Maddie when she entered high school,” Buck added, the hint of growl in his voice, “I don’t blame you for leaving, Mads. We’ve talked about this.”

“Doesn’t mean I feel good about it, leaving you alone to deal with them,” Maddie replied “so, we agree to disagree on this point.”

Buck and Maddie stared at each other for a moment, no one else saying a word until Buck nodded. 

“Where’d you go?” That was Hen, her tone tentative.

“Well, even though I knew college was no longer in the cards I figured I could still visit them. Road trip it. I drove a modified version of Route 66, actually,” Buck’s lips quirked up in a small smile at the memory, “Thank god my car held up for it honestly. Pen and I had just finished restoring her a few weeks beforehand,” Buck pushed off the wall now and wandered over to his desk where he’d put a few things out in anticipation of telling his story. He pulled the box of stuff into his arms and wandered back to everyone else, choosing to sit now, leaning his back against the fireplace, just a bit removed from everyone else, facing them. He put down a photo on the table, “That’s me and Pen, and Nebula.”

“You named your car after a Marvel character?” Chim asked, head cocked in confusion.

Buck chuckled lightly “Nah, after those giant clouds of dust and gas in space, sometimes they’re where stars are born. Guess I thought it’d represent my limitlessness or something,” his tone turned a bit melancholy as he watched them pass the photo around.

“So, you really do know about cars?” That was Eddie, and while Buck didn’t wholly meet his eyes he looked in his friend’s general direction and nodded. “Damn, I really should’ve brought you with me when I bought my truck,” muttered looking down at the photo of young Buck, so full of life, no scar over his eye, and a smile on his face that Eddie hadn’t seen in awhile. “Where is she now?”

Buck shifted a bit, “She was a 1974 Mercury Marquis, a decent enough car for collectors, so I sold her when I got to Coronado.”

“That’s where the SEALs train, right?” Bobby asked the question this time and his question got him another nod. 

“I figured I was signing up for them to give me a purpose, so I might as well get rid of attachments, because I was so sure in a few weeks I would be living breathing life according to the SEALs. I put my stuff in storage, sold Nebula, and reported for training.”

“You didn’t drop out, did you?” Bobby again, eyes searching Buck’s when the younger man looked up at him.

Buck bit his lip, trying to figure out how to answer that question “It’s a bit more complicated than I led you to believe,” he hedged, trying to sort out his thoughts. “I was good at it, even when I struggled with turning off my emotions, but I guess I was just too much of a punk for it all.”

“What does that mean?” Bobby pressed, and Buck pressed his lips together, making them a thin line.

“Means I stirred up some shit and it was suggested that I leave, so I did.”

“Okay, context needed Buckaroo,” Hen interjected. 

Buck seemed to hem and haw, deliberately avoiding looking at Bobby, Athena, and Eddie now, “I might’ve punched my CO at the time.”

“I’m sorry, you did what?” And this is why he’d avoided looking at Eddie, because Eddie knew the military and he knew the extent to which this meant Buck had fucked up as a recruit. Bobby and Athena, well, they were the closest people in his life to parental figures and he didn’t want them to judge him for so obviously rebelling against authority. He could listen, when it mattered, but the fact of the matter was it hadn’t mattered at the time because he’d thought someone had been in danger. “Do you have a death wish?”

“Not sure that was me acting on my death wish,” muttered Buck in response, “just a normal day really.” He sighed then explained further “They were doing a drill and they made us think one of the other recruits was in trouble, but we were ordered to stay put. My CO got in my face and I snapped. He actually stumbled,” Buck let a bit of his pride bleed into that last sentence, “and it just so happened that my CO was Commander Steve McGarrett.” The gasps and mutterings that followed his words were drowned out by a barking laugh from Athena.

“That explains so much, kid. You have no idea,” Athena told him, shaking her head at the same time.

“Glad this is illuminating for you, ‘Thena” he replied, tone a bit more casual than hesitant as he leaned more comfortably against the fireplace. 

“So, you left?” Chim picked up the thread of the story again, “But then, you and McGarrett…?”

“We reconnected not even two months after I left training,” Buck answered the unasked question “He knew I wasn’t cut out for the typical military, but I had skills, ones he could use. I’d been scraping together a life bartending and sleeping on the beach, so when he offered me a place to stay and a steady job. I jumped at it.”

“A place to live?” Eddie echoed, trying to tamp down on his jealousy. Luckily, Buck didn’t seem to notice his tone, although the others did; the younger firefighter just nodded.

“Yeah, Steve had been asked to head up a specialized team, put together under his discretion for use in specific circumstances. We operated out of a few bases, but often Steve and I ended up roommates, well, until later.”

“Just roommates?” Hen’s eyebrows waggled, Maddie stifled a laugh, while Athena nudged her friend, but Chim just rolled his eyes.

“Dear God, Hen, not you too,” Buck put his head in his hands for a moment, as if gathering strength, then he raised his head again eyes flicking from Bobby to Hen, “Hear me, now, Henrietta, there never has and there never will be anything remotely sexual or romantic between Steve McGarrett and me. Never,” he made an ‘x’ with his arms “God, it would be like trying to get with Chim; he’s my brother.”

Chim let out a laugh, both at Buck’s words and Hen’s face as her mind obviously jumped to Chim and Buck as a couple. But then Buck continued “Not that he’s not easy on the eyes, but there’s too much history there, plus, Danny scares me. I’m a disaster bi on a good day, no need to tempt the wrath of someone like him.” Another laugh sounded from Chim, echoed by Buck as Hen’s mouth dropped open. 

“I told you!” Chim crowed.

Everyone’s eyes, except for Eddie’s were watching Hen come to the realization that not only was Buck aware of his attraction to men, he was quite comfortable with his orientation. “Did you actually think I didn’t know, Hen?” Buck’s voice was teasing now.

“Damn,” Hen hung her head in mock shame, “I need my radar adjusted obviously.” She looked around at everyone else, “Anyone else want to come out, while I’m processing this one?”

Eddie knew she was joking, but still, he stuck his hand in the air “I’m bi too.”

This time it was Maddie who laughed, actually reaching out to high-five Eddie as Hen’s mouth stayed open and Chim chuckled. Bobby was shaking his head at his team’s antics while Athena urged Hen to shut her mouth, or she’d be sure to catch flies. Eddie chanced a side glance at Buck who shot him a look Eddie couldn’t read, but he watched Buck’s hand knock on the floor, once, twice, and he understood. He couldn’t remember when it had started, but playfully knocking on each other’s helmets as they travelled back to the station had grown into a language, one tap to let the other know they needed some grounding, two taps for I’m okay, and three for I’m hyped up. 

They were okay.

“Thank you,” Bobby’s voice rose above the hubbub, “both of you, for trusting us. We appreciate it and hope you know that we love and care about you no matter who you love.”

Eddie shot Bobby a teasing salute, but Buck only nodded, no longer looking at anyone in the room.

“So, you lived with McGarrett, platonically, and then?” Athena picked up the thread of Buck’s story again, trying to bring them back on track.

“Ummm, he assembled a team. I was the first member besides him, and as we recruited our people we started… working,” Buck was wringing his hands now, obviously tense, his eyes flicked in Eddie’s direction then skittered again. “I can’t tell you everything. A lot of it is classified, but…”

“Buck?” Athena’s voice was softer now.

“I’m not a good person. I haven’t done good things.” Buck replied, his voice catching on the word good. “I wasn’t even a soldier, but I made calls, who lived, who died.” He curled in on himself now, “We went where no one else dared to. We ended wars before they began, or clipped strings of fate before they were due to be cut. We were judge, jury, and executioner,” at that last word, he pulled his head up, although it was obvious that he was shaking, minutely.

“This is what I haven’t told you. This is what you don’t know,” he pushed the words out of his mouth, “I may not have been the best at turning off my emotions in SEAL training, but I can do it. I have done it. I’ve got blood on my hands, so much of it,” his voice cracked, and Maddie made to get off the couch and go to him, but he put out a hand, asking her silently to stay put. 

“Buck,” that was Eddie, voice also softer than usual, “war is hell.”

“We weren’t in a war, Diaz” Buck’s voice as he responded was collected and completely at odds with his body, which vibrated slightly as he shook, “You’re all trying to imagine right now, what the worst thing we did was, right?” The room was quiet. “It was worse than all of it.”

“So, you want us to think you’re a bad person?” Athena moved, leaning forward toward Buck, voice steady.

“I need you to understand the reality,” Buck spat out, not looking at her. 

“And what is that reality?” she asked.

“I’ve done a lot in my life, good and bad. This job, you guys, you helped remind me that I could do good,” his voice suddenly hardened and he levelled a look at the 118 sat around him, “but you took away my anchor when you lied to me” his eyes locked with Bobby’s “and when you shut me out,” he looked at Hen, Chim, and Eddie, in turn. “I hadn’t felt that unmoored since my last two missions with Steve. I hadn’t lost so much of myself since then. I’ve done things, horrible things, and not out of the pursuit of a greater good or a love of my country, but out of a desire to keep my family safe, to keep innocent adults and children out of the line of fire. But, I’m not always good enough, that has been proven time and time again.” Buck’s words seemed to catch in his throat for a moment then he kept talking, his voice sounding raw and vulnerable “I lost them all,” he scrabbled blindly in the box beside him, tossing out a photo for them to see, “all of them, eventually, ‘cept Steve. And that’s half due to Danny, and not Steve himself.” He drew in a breath, and kept talking, words tumbling from his lips “When I told you, that this team and my job are all I have, I meant it on a level that none of you truly understand. I have lost everything over and over, and I will not do it again. I can’t survive it again; I will make sure of it.”

Buck slumped back against the fireplace, his words having taken so much out of him as he let himself expose his fears and vulnerabilities to his team. He shut his eyes, trying to stave off the panic attack percolating beneath his skin, he mumbled his words, focusing. He needed to focus. 

There was so much to process there that everyone had caught onto something different. As Buck’s eyes closed, murmuring to himself Bobby reached out, halting Eddie from going over and startling Buck. Bobby and Eddie warred between themselves, glances cutting into each other, but eventually, Eddie moved to sit down a foot or so from Buck, keeping his eyes on the younger man, only letting himself flick occasional glances at Bobby and the rest of the 118. Athena had picked up the photo Buck had tossed onto the table, noticing dates scratched onto the photo in pen, death dates she assumed. Hen leaned over Athena’s shoulder, trying to get a good look at Buck’s former team too. Meanwhile, Maddie had also slunk off the couch and settled in beside Buck, not touching him, but she knew he knew she was there, beside him, just like she’d promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nebula is based off of the car they actually drive in Hawaii Five-0.


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking. All the talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1 or Hawaii Five-0.

Buck wasn’t crying Maddie noticed, just shaking slightly, muttering quietly to himself. Words of comfort obviously as his body calmed, then stilled, then he seemed to be waiting. Just waiting. 

Maddie didn’t think it was her place to break the silence and obviously, Buck wasn’t going to either. He’d thrown down his ultimatum. He was waiting on the 118 to make their move. 

So, he sat, knees pulled up against his chest, looking smaller than he actually was, eyes still closed while his fingers tapped out a rhythm on his clasped knees. Eddie was watching Buck. Buck could feel Eddie’s eyes on him, but he needed to wait this out. 

He needed them to process, to realize he’d thrown down a gauntlet, and that he was serious. 

The moment stretched, he felt their eyes all land on him, but he waited still. 

He waited, because it was one thing to have a victim die in a burning building or to be seconds too late to save someone from drowning, but it was another thing entirely to kill someone else. It was murder. Sometimes first-degree and sometimes second-degree, intentional or unintentional, his team had killed people, and they’d done it smoothly, quietly, and expertly. Not all of their missions had been like that, but enough of them had. Enough that the taste of blood was the last piece of his series of words to calm himself down, enough that sometimes when it was just too hot outside Buck could close his eyes and swear the coppery tang coated his tongue. 

He could wait them out. He’d waited out worse scenarios before. He could wait out his family as they decided how to respond to him. 

Around the room everyone was looking at each other, furious conversations were being had via gestures, glances, and pointed expressions. Eddie was the only one not participating and the only time his eyes moved they looked to Maddie who was also watching Buck out of the corner of her eye. She never let anything slip though, she just sat, like her brother, waiting for a response. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

Athena thought she knew what pressure was, but in this moment she felt a weight resting upon her chest unlike any she had ever felt before. She’d known, abstractly, about what Buck had probably done in his past, but confronting it now she could tell that they were all being presented with two options. One: leave. Get out of his life forever. Well, that wasn’t an option in her mind. Buck might have started out as an annoying punk, then graduated to Bobby’s son, but he had his own space in her heart now and she would be damned if she let him slip through her fingers. 

So, option two it was, which was stay and stand by him. Help Buck heal. Help Buck be Buck. 

But how do you put that into words? How do you prove your love to someone? Your loyalty? 

Over the years she’d fallen in love, and out of it. She’d had work partners that she loathed and ones who she still caught up with when their shifts off aligned. She’d cried over her daughter in a hospital bed, put there by teenage cruelty. She’d held May and Harry tight after everything with Michael. She knew what a family was, how to love one, and how to protect it. But she was far from perfect, and Buck was, in this moment, the physical manifestation of that imperfection. A son she hadn’t planned on, another person to care about, and someone about whom she knew something and nothing. 

But what could she say to convince him that things would change? That he wouldn’t lose them again, ever. 

Her hands gripped the photograph of his old team more tightly, but she was careful with it, thumb brushing gently over the face of a young woman with curly brown hair who was tucked under Buck’s arm, a smile bright as the noonday sun on her face. The date over her head was the earliest, followed by the guy on her other side whose hair was a shock of white, his skin intensely pale, who had a hand around her waist. Just behind him, on Buck’s other side was a redheaded man, taller than Buck by what looked like an inch or two. He had a hand on Buck’s hip and bunny ears up behind the man with the white hair. Next to the redhead was Steve, although younger than when Athena had last seen him, obviously. Next to Steve was another woman. She was black and tall, although not as tall as Buck, and her hair was in dreadlocks. Her date was scratched in with a blue pen, whereas the others were with red or black. Idly, Athena wondered what the different colours meant, because as she was learning, Buck never did anything by halves or without a reason. At the other end of the photo was another date in blue, over the head of a short and stocky Asian man who was winking at the camera. Athena’s thumb ran over the photo again, wondering about who they were to Buck and who Buck was to them.

The silence in the room pressed in on her, and she reached out for Bobby’s hand to ground her. It felt like they were all walking a tightrope and while falling off might not be fatal it would definitely fracture the family they had all built together. 

Chim wasn’t craning for a look at the photograph Athena was clutching like Hen, nor was he looking at Eddie like Bobby. He wasn’t even looking at Maddie, no, he was looking at Buck. For the first time, it felt like Chim was really seeing Buck, all of that energy, that passion, that drive, it all made sense now. This serious and saddened Buck with the weight of the world on his shoulders was the same Buck who laughed at his bad jokes and gave him advice about Maddie, but not without some gentle ribbing of course. It was as if Chim could see the two versions of Buck in front of him -- the Buck the 118 and Athena had been introduced to, and the one revealing himself and his past now – then, they merged in Chim’s mind. 

This was still Buck.

Chim took a breath and then spoke “Where do we sign up?”

Buck raised his head, eyes locking with Chim’s, fingers still tapping away at his knees “For what?”

“Having you, here, with us, forever” every word was punctuated by Chim gesturing at the team, Buck, or the room at large. 

No one else spoke. 

A minute passed. Then two, but Chim waited, even as Hen shifted uneasily behind him and Bobby and Athena’s entwined hands tightened their grip on each other. Chim just met Buck’s gaze, unable to figure out what the other man was thinking. 

“I’m not asking you to make a decision right now, there are a lot of factors to consider,” Buck’s tone was placating. 

Chim shook his head at Buck’s response, which while reasonable and mature, was not what he wanted or needed to hear. 

“You asked us a question. That’s my answer.”

“And mine.” That was Eddie, and Chim was grateful someone else had chimed in alongside him.

“Peer pressure’s a powerful thing,” quipped Buck, speaking in a quiet voice, one they weren’t used to hearing from him.

“Are you going to accept my answer or not?” Eddie’s voice was tinged with something darker, desperate and raw “because if your answer is no, because these are just words, let me… let us show you!”

Buck actually looked at Eddie then, his blue eyes were troubled, afraid but there was hope there, Eddie could see it. He just needed to stoke those sparks of hope into a flame, then he could protect it with everything he was worth. 

“Chim’s right,” Hen jumped in at that moment, drawing Buck’s eyes away from Eddie to her “Where do I sign up? I’ve had enough of a Buck-less life due to my own short-sightedness, don’t doom me to that forever.” Buck’s hands were tapping out a slightly faster rhythm but his face didn’t give anything away. 

Then Bobby stood up, walking not toward Buck but to the desk at the back. Both Chim and Hen, opened their mouths ready to give Bobby hell, but then he spoke “What’s wrong with a simple blue pen, kid?” Bobby had picked up a fountain pen from the desk, turning around with it between his fingers. 

“You know, I didn’t actually print out a contract or anything, right?” Buck responded.

“I call bullshit on that one,” Athena interjected, craning her neck to look at Bobby “and there’s nothing wrong with a little ceremony for something important, is there, Buckaroo?” she shifted to look back at him. His eyes held hers and he saw nothing but acceptance, maybe even love.

“Where is it?” Maddie joined them, lightly poking Buck’s shoulder with a finger “Desk? Filing cabinet? Bedside table?”

Buck’s lips twitched up “There’s a folder on the desk, Bobby.”

Bobby picked it up and brought it back to the group, stretching out his hand to pass it to Buck. He opened it, Bobby perching on the arm of the couch, pen still clutched in his hand. He pulled out a single sheet of paper, placing the now empty folder between him and Maddie. Then, Buck cleared his throat, a slight twinkle in his eye as he scanned the paper. 

“It’s not a contract. It’s a promise and I take promises seriously,” he looked around at the members of his family, holding their gazes individually for a few seconds before moving on, ending with Eddie. He had to snap out of it before he got lost in Eddie’s eyes. 

He cleared his throat again and read “In this family… we are real, we make mistakes, we say I’m sorry and mean it, we give second chances, we have fun, we are affectionate, we forgive, we talk things out, we are patient, and we support each other, because we love each other.” Looking up from the paper he quirked an eyebrow at them, “Can we do that?”

In response, Bobby tossed crooked a finger at Buck, gesturing for the paper. 

“Bobby…”

“No ifs, ands, or buts, I’m signing, kid.” Buck passed the paper over, fighting another smile as Bobby signed with a flourish. Hen had already gotten up to grab some more pens, passing them out to the rest of the family as the paper made the rounds. As Eddie dotted the ‘i’ in Diaz he turned to fix Buck with a serious look “Promise?” 

“Promise,” Buck replied, nodding, “I don’t break them.”

As Maddie passed over the paper, Buck held it for a moment, looking at it, a tangible symbol of commitment from them. Maybe, just maybe his hope wasn’t misplaced.

“This doesn’t fix everything, you know?” he murmured. 

“We do,” Eddie and Bobby spoke at the same time.

Buck nodded, then his face broke into a grin that none of them at seen in months. 

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay?” Athena asked. 

“Yeah,” Buck replied “Okay. We can start with that, here and now.” He grabbed the folder from the floor and tucked the signed paper into it, then he stood, bringing it over to his desk and opening his drawer to put it away for safekeeping. His eyes alighted on the photos resting on his desk, a picture of him and Chris, another photo of his old team, the 118 tucked behind that one for the moment, and a picture of him and Nate, the night they got engaged. He drew strength from the happiness in the photos and then turned back to face everyone. 

“So, what else do you want to know?”

“What?” Hen exclaimed, her confusion evident, unable to process how he jumped from throwing down a gauntlet to talking to them like this, again. 

“You’ve heard me out so far, you’re supposedly willing to try, so I’ll meet you there. What else do you want to know?”

Athena knew what she wanted to ask, and when no one else said anything she held up the photo she had kept on her lap “Will you tell us about them?”

“Want to meet the rest of the family eh, ‘Thena?” Buck responded, moving back towards them with the larger photo of his old team in his hands and his voice took on a soft, teasing edge although there was a tinge of sadness there too. Buck chose to settle down into the armchair by the fireplace that no one had occupied upon entering the room. It was one of his favourite pieces of furniture in the room, big enough for him to sit cross-legged, which he did “You going to move, Eds? Mads?”

Maddie moved to sit with Chim, but Eddie shook his head deciding to stay on the floor, shifting only to be a bit closer to Buck, leaning his back against Buck’s chair. Buck looked at him with what Eddie could’ve sworn was a fond expression, but then those blue eyes looked away and Buck began to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll go through the team in the next chapter!


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck's family meets his old family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1 or Steve McGarrett.

“Between each other the higher ups and everyone else called us The Silence,” he chuckled at the name but kept talking “Officially, we were a special strike team, Strike Team Delta. Although, we definitely got that name after the Marvel Universe and Stark Trek took a crack at it,” Buck smiled to himself, looking at the photo in his hands. He leaned over and put the larger version of the photo down on the table, so that everyone could see it rather than squint at the 4x6 version of the photo he’d passed to Athena earlier. “There were seven of us, obviously, and the recruitment process was…” he searched for an appropriate word to describe how Steve (and he) had pulled together their ragtag group “interesting. At least for me.”

“What does interesting mean?” Maddie interjected, reminding the rest of the group that they could ask questions. The feeling in the room was less tense than earlier, but she figured she could help break the ice a bit more. 

“Well, the first one brought into the fold after me, was Jen. Jennifer Torn,” he pointed to the tall black woman next to Steve.

*Flashback* 

“We’re going to need pilots.”

“Pilots. As in plural?” Buck asked the question from Steve’s couch where he was flipping through a stack of profiles that the SEAL had brought back from a headquarters somewhere. He was diligently ignoring the thick letters of the word CONFIDENTIAL stamped on every single folder. Steve had asked him for his opinion, so he would do his research. 

“Yes. Plural.”

Buck put down the folder he was flipping through, sighing as he put it on his reject pile, which was also his only pile. 

“Why?”

“Because, if one gets shot the other can still get us out.” Steve’s tone was even, but Buck could hear the question in it. It was the same question Steve had obviously wanted to ask him every day since Buck had agreed to come back to the place he was staying.

“Just spit it out, Steve.”

Steve shook his head, continuing to clean one of his guns. 

There was a beat of silence and then Buck spoke “The answer’s still yes, you know.”

Steve gave no outward sign of hearing him, but Buck kept talking. “I’m in this, with you. You’re stuck with me now.” Buck hauled himself off the couch, feet landing heavily on the floor “So, stop questioning it.”

Steve’s hands paused in their cleaning for a moment, then they resumed their work, but that was enough for Buck. He switched topics. “So, pilots. Anyone in mind?”

“No one in the files?” Steve asked back.

“Nope. But I got a feeling you’ve got someone in mind.”

Steve kept working, so Buck made his way over and picked up a gun Steve had yet to clean and began the process himself. It was more relaxing than he’d probably care to admit, cleaning something that could, would, and probably had killed someone, but Buck wasn’t looking the gift horse of focus in the mouth.   
“I want you to meet her.”

Buck raised an eyebrow at Steve’s words, but didn’t raise his head or his hands from his task. 

“Okay. When?”

“Tonight.”

Buck laughed lightly “Smooth. You already had this set up?”

Steve didn’t reply, but he didn’t have to. Buck was getting to know him, and that silence was all the response he needed. 

“Tell me about her.”

Steve did shake his head then.

“I want your first impressions. Unbiased.” He paused in his work, kicking the leg of Buck’s chair, a chiding but affectionate gesture to Buck. 

“Of course, sir” Buck looked up then, throwing a wink at Steve who scoffed and threw his cleaning rag at the other man’s face. 

“Can you finish these up?”

“That a request?”

“Yeah, I told you. I’m not your CO; no orders in our space.”

“Okay,” Buck nodded, and Steve got up, stretching, looking tired. “Go for a run, Steve. You could use it and a nap,” Buck told the other man “then we can meet this pilot.” When Steve opened his mouth to protest, Buck shook his head then jerked his thumb at the door, “Get out, then come back alright?”

Steve shook his head at Buck’s words, but nodded, and went to get changed into his running gear. 

Hours later, after their meeting, as the early morning light began to creep into the living room Buck realized what had been making Steve antsy. 

Chief Warrant Officer Jennifer Torn was a person to be reckoned with, her flight record alone awed Buck, but it was her attitude that impressed him the most. Turns out she’d flown Steve and some SEALs into several dozen places she couldn’t name and a half a dozen that she could reveal but only via operation code names. But what put Buck at ease was her treatment of him.  
She’d been early to their meeting spot, earlier than even Buck or Steve, and she hadn’t batted an eye when he’d turned down the drink menu at the little hole in the wall Japanese joint they were at. 

“I heard you got yourself a pup at NAB,” she remarked “didn’t expect to meet him, though.”

“He’s coming along for the ride,” was Steve’s answer.

Jennifer raised one eyebrow in surprise, then switched her gaze from Steve to Buck. 

“What do you know about me?”

“Nothing,” was Buck’s reply. 

“Try again.”

Buck’s eyes tried to find Steve’s, but the other man was resolutely looking at his menu. So, this was a test, and Buck had to pass it. His eyes flicked back to Jennifer’s and took a breath. 

“You’re a pilot, of some type. You’re familiar with Steve,” the use of Steve’s first name caused her eyebrow to cock again but she said nothing as Buck continued to speak “but not friends. You didn’t use his nickname, but you are more aware of who he is and me, by extension, hence the Pup comment.” 

Jennifer put down her menu but stayed silent. 

Buck took another breath, thinking through his words as his mind flipped through every fact he knew about the US military. He had to get this right. 

“Which means, you know him through the SEALs, not just a regular mission, making you…” he paused, trying to remember the word for it “a Night Stalker, right?”

A small smile appeared on Jen’s face and a brief nod. “Correct.” She brought up her menu again, then paused “Buck, you said right?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Call me Jen, kid.” Looking over at Steve she narrowed her eyes a bit, but then shook her head, smile still in place as she moved her eyes back to the menu. “I get it, McGarrett. I get it.”

When they’d parted for the night, Jen had shaken both their hands and told Steve she’d be in touch. As Buck watched the sun slowly rise, he came to the realization that this team, it wasn’t going to be normal, even as specialist units went for the military. He was going to be part of something bigger than himself, something that would let him serve and protect, something that would build him a legacy if he let it. 

A knock at the door to their apartment jarred him from his thoughts. A peek through the peephole showed him, “Jen?” he exclaimed, surprised, but hospitable nonetheless, moving aside to let her through. 

She nodded, passing him a tray of iced coffees, keeping a paper take-out bag in her hands as she stepped into the entryway. “Did you even sleep last night?” was her greeting as she slipped off her shoes.

“Ummm…” she straightened, taking back the tray of coffees, eyeing him critically. 

“Nightmares?” Her face relaxed a bit “We all get them eventually, kid. I’m sorry to hear you’re starting with them though.”

“Starting what?”

“The team,” that was Steve, who looked sleep rumpled but somewhat rested. “Tell me those are donuts.”

“Bagels,” Jennifer replied, shaking the take-out bag “Tell me you’ve got cream cheese.”

“Yeah, I think so.” She moved over to the kitchen as Steve pulled out plates and knives.

“Pup?” Jen called out to Buck. He was still standing by the door. Steve made a disgruntled noise and she rolled her eyes “Sorry, is that nickname only for you, McGarrett? 

“I mean it only makes sense with me,” muttered Steve, then he looked up to see Buck still hadn’t moved “Come on, get some food in you, pup. There’s three of us now. We’re on our way.”

*Flashback Ends*

“I was sure they’d clash. I mean, both of them were used to leading, but it became clear that Steve was more than willing to respect her expertise as long as she’d respect his calls in the field.” Buck tapped the image of the Asian man at the opposite end of the photo.

“Trevor wasn’t the next one recruited, but I never promised you a chronologically sound tale,” he leaned back in his chair, looking at the ceiling for a moment, remembering his first meeting with Trevor. 

*Flashback*

“You’re going to need a whole new engine,” the mechanic in the small town they’d stopped in on their way to Baton Rouge. 

“That can’t be,” Buck argued, forgetting how little he liked conflict as he made his way over to the man who was blatantly lying to Steve “I restored that engine myself.”

The mechanic ran a critical eye over Buck “Maybe take another auto course in high school then” and Steve’s jaw set, ready to rip this guy a new one when another voice sounded across the garage. 

“You’re full of shit, Rod. You wouldn’t know if a car needed a new engine even if it didn’t have one.” The newcomer, smiled sharply at his colleague, then gestured at Buck “Come on, let’s have a look.” The lying mechanic, Rod, stalked off.

Stunned, it took Buck a moment, but he padded forward to the propped open hood, as the newcomer flipped off his colleague. Buck and the new mechanic saw the main issue at the same time “Coolant.”

“Jinx,” the mechanic said a moment later, smiling at Buck “You said you restored this yourself?”

Buck nodded, as the other guy moved, in search of coolant. “Don’t mind, Rod. He’s the boss man’s brother, but useless with this type of stuff.”

“So, why’s he working here?” Steve asked, gruffly.

“Can’t get much else around here,” the mechanic shrugged, spotting the coolant he picked it up, sleeve riding up too. 

An eagle and a flag caught Steve’s eye “Did you serve?”

The guy looked at his arm, then back at Steve “Engineering Corps. It got me through school, eventually split.”

“Is this where you wanna be?” Buck gestured at the garage, empty now except for them, Rod having disappeared. 

“Why? You recruiting? You’re kind of young.”

“I’m eighteen,” Buck told the man indignantly.

“God, you’re a baby then.”

Steve chuckled along with the mechanic while Buck fought back a pout. 

“You didn’t answer my question,” Buck pressed the mechanic, sensing a story in his short answers.

“Here? Nah, I don’t want to live out my life here. I’ve been thinking about going back actually” he lifted up the coolant, pouring it in carefully “I thought I needed to get out to figure out who I was, but nothing sticks. I’m a rolling stone and I miss it.”

“What kind of engineering did you study?” Buck asked, shooting Steve a meaningful look.

“Mechanical,” the guy replied, putting down the coolant and turning back to Buck “You should be in good shape to drive it now.” He slammed the hood down, shaking his head as he murmured “A new engine. God Rod.”

“What’s your name?” 

“Trevor Nguyen,” he wiped his hands on a rag and held out a hand for Buck to shake.

“Trevor,” Buck shook his hand, looking at Steve again, knowingly, “I’m Buck and this is Steve. We’ve been looking for a mechanic. How’d you like to return to that military career in a new way?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Trevor looked sufficiently confused and Steve almost laughed at him. Buck was his single best recruiter for the team, and he wasn’t even sure the kid knew it. Buck’s honesty and forthrightness gained them teammates they could trust to watch their backs. He was putting together a family, all without knowing it. It made something inside of Steve feel warm and proud. 

“Come take your lunch break with us. You won’t regret it,” Buck pressed, looking at Trevor hopefully. 

“Ummm…”

“Trevor!” An older, disgruntled man emerged from an office, striding across the floor toward them. “Rod just told me you cost us a huge job!”

“You mean our decided lack of requirement for a new engine?” quipped Steve, who the garage’s owner had somehow missed as he strode over to the car and Trevor, “About that lunch?”

“Lunch?” crowed the old man, yelling at Trevor, “You people have no damn work ethic!”

At those words, Buck shouldered between the man and Trevor, never mind that Trevor was at ten years Buck’s senior and could probably hold his own just fine. “He’s a damn honest and decent human being, so watch your mouth.”  
The garage owner stepped back from Buck, and then Trevor stepped around Buck, pulling his cleaning rag from his pants, fiddling with it. Then he tossed it at the old man. 

“I quit, Gary.” He looked at Steve, then Buck. “Lunch sounds good. There’s a diner not too far up the road.” 

“But… what… you can’t…”

“Shove it, Gary. You and your brother can drive this place into the ground,” Trevor growled, then hopped into the backseat of the car just before Steve started backing out of the garage. As they turned in the garage lot to head out onto the road, Buck rolled down his window, pitching a $20 out onto the ground. 

“For the coolant!” he yelled and then Steve pressed on the gas and they were gone.

*End of flashback* 

“And he just left with you? Just like that?” Hen asked.

Buck nodded “Yeah, I could hardly believe it either. But Trevor wasn’t just a mechanical engineer. He had a decent talent for chemistry, which bled over both into his ability to craft explosives and to bake the best cupcakes I’ve ever had in my entire life.”

“Really?” Bobby was even more intrigued now. 

“Yeah. I made them with him dozens of times, but something’s still missing from mine. I guess I never got it all from him,” Buck’s voice turned soft, melancholic. He shook himself, clearing his throat, and then kept going. 

“Aurora,” he tapped the face of the curly-haired brunette next to him with a finger “She was the last one to join.” Buck seemed to be fighting with his words, exhaling a dry sob quietly as he looked at the smile on Aurora’s face. 

“Buck, it’s okay,” Athena’s voice was soft too as she reached out, cautiously but he shook his head, tipping his head back for a moment as if it would keep the tears at bay. 

“I called her Rory. She was my first best friend.”

*Flashback*

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Buck. I do,” Steve was pacing their makeshift home-base in a warehouse just outside of D.C.’s city limits “but we’ve got our bases covered. I know you’re the only true civilian, but…”

“Just meet her, Steve. I met Jen, with no leads, remember?”

“Fine,” Steve ran a hand through his hair, “But just me, not the rest of the team. Not yet.”

“Alright.” Buck could work with that. 

A couple of hours later, during the early afternoon, Steve and Buck were walking down the National Mall, tourists walking around them, snapping photos and exclaiming over the monuments. Buck had already taken a tour around earlier that day, while Steve had seen it all before. Suddenly, Buck stopped, and Steve did too. 

A young woman was taking a group photo for some students on a school trip, as she called out for them to smile and say “Fromage!” Buck grinned. When the girl handed the camera back to the trip leader she turned, and Buck waved. Her face lit up, and after murmuring a few quick words to the teacher she set off toward them.

“Buck!”

“Rory!”

They grasped each other in a tight hug and held on, a moment too long to just be a simple, I missed you embrace. 

“You’re here!” Aurora Kellen exclaimed “Thank God!” Turning to Steve she put out her hand, “You must be the Commander. Steve McGarrett, right?”

He shook her hand, firmly, face not giving anything away. His stoic act did little to phase Aurora, who simply introduced herself, meeting Steve’s firm handshake with one of her own. 

“So, Buck, want to tell me what this is about?”

“You didn’t tell her anything?” Steve was surprised, the woman’s accent was distinctly not from the immediate area and she looked damn young now that he looked again. “How old are you?”

“Seventeen, turning eighteen tomorrow. And no, he didn’t tell me anything, except to meet him here.”

“Do your parents know you’re here?” Steve was a touch anxious now. 

The light in Rory’s eyes dimmed, considerably. “My foster father passed away a few months ago.”

Now Steve felt like an ass, “I’m sorry.”

Rory nodded, grimacing at the automatic sympathy. 

“Let’s get out of public spaces, huh? My hotel’s not too far.”

They travelled via subway to her hotel in silence, Buck occasionally squeezing her shoulder, but seeming also just as content to lean against her, both offering support and receiving it as she tossed him reassuring looks. 

“I swept the place for bugs already, so we’re clear,” Rory said as she closed the door to her room, moving to take one of the two armchairs in the room. Buck settled down on the bed, sprawling back, lying down, obviously at ease. Steve took the other armchair. 

“When she says bugs, she means recording equipment,” Buck said, propping himself up on his elbows, jerking his head at Rory “We met when I was driving from Hershey to California. I was in a crappy motel in Chicago that caught fire, thankfully, all my stuff was still in my car. Rory’s dad,” he paused, shooting her a sympathetic look without being piteous and Aurora picked up the story.

“Dad brought him back to the station. Kept him and his stuff there until shift was over and offered our guest room to him that night. Dad did stuff like that all the time. He had a heart of gold,” Rory sighed, “Well, Buck stayed about seven days longer in the city than he’d planned, and we spent a lot of time together. We’ve kept in touch.”

Steve remembered Buck’s long-distance phone calls and the letters, he’d figured they’d all been for Maddie, but apparently not. 

“My dad died in a high-rise fire and since I’m just about to age out of the system, I’m not being placed anywhere else. I’m kind of alone though and Buck said I might be able to be useful to you guys.”

“Useful how?” Steve posed the question to Buck rather than Aurora. 

“She has basic paramedic training from volunteering at her dad’s firehouse. We don’t have any semblance of a medic yet. And, she can code, hack, and do all things technical. Plus, she’s in her second year of psychology and political science at Georgetown. She graduated high school at 16, and you can’t tell me we won’t need someone with a mind for strategy that isn’t military oriented.”

Steve took in Buck’s words quietly, thinking through what his pup was saying. On the one hand, there was some real truth to it. Their team was basically all military, even if some members had been removed for awhile. Buck added some good outsider perspective, but another point of view wouldn’t be a bad idea. But, on the other hand, she was young, so young. Steve already had qualms about what was to come for Buck and bringing another teenager into this world would weigh on him.   
“Aurora,” Steve looked straight at her, meeting her hazel eyes head on “The team we’re assembling isn’t going to be fun and games. It’s deadly. I can’t bring someone defenseless into that world.”

“I thought you might say that,” Buck murmured, looking relatively unconcerned, “Stand up, Steve.”

“What?”

“Just do it,” Aurora said, also looking unruffled.

Steve stood.

“Back against the wall, please,” she asked, politely. 

“What the hell?”

“Steve.” Buck just sounded exasperated, not concerned or angry. Steve backed up.

“Don’t move,” Aurora stood, moving over to her travel bag, unrolling a package of leather onto the bed, revealing a series of throwing knives. Steve’s eyes widened and as he stepped forward to inspect them, one whistled past his ear, grazing him slightly, then embedded itself in the wall. He put a hand to his ear, a few spots of blood on his fingers. “I told you not to move,” quipped Aurora, conversationally, as she twirled a throwing star in her left hand, while pulling out a first aid kit from her bag. She tossed him an alcohol wipe. “Put that on it, then I’ll take a look.”

“You know, the last time I saw him speechless like this I’d just punched him,” Buck told Aurora, who chuckled. 

“Do you know hand to hand?” Steve’s question cut through their chuckles. 

“I grew up in Chicago, and not the best parts of it. I can scrap with the best, but formal training is iffy.”

“Aside from knives, what other weapons can you wield?”

“I was on my high school’s fencing team. I was a scholarship kid at a prep school for a few years,” she told him, “but I’ve shot a gun before. I know the basics of it.”

“Anyone you’d be leaving behind?”

She shook her head. 

Steve took the wipe away from his ear, touching it gingerly again. It had stopped bleeding. 

“Okay.”

Buck clapped his hands in delight. 

“Seriously?” Aurora’s voice was unconvinced.

“Oh, a doubting Thomas. We need one of those too,” Steve quipped, then nodded at her, “Yeah, that’s it. Buck’s right, the last time I was that impressed, I met his right hook. So, get your stuff, Rory.” He turned to pull the knife from the wall, somehow, he knew this was the right call and Steve had learned to trust his gut over the years. 

As he turned back to the rest of the room, he caught Buck tossing a pillow at Rory, and his heart clenched, because they were so young. However, he knew they’d already seen enough of the world to dim their view of humanity, and they wanted this, they wanted to help. Who was he to deny them that chance?

*End of Flashback* 

“She spent her eighteenth birthday at the Pentagon, filling out paperwork. I’d never seen someone so excited to fill out forms,” Buck reminisced, “and then Trevor made her cake. That dinner was the first time I looked around at the whole team and thought that maybe, we could work. She completed us.” His voice cracked again, and he pulled his knees up to his chin, focusing on the photo. 

“The guy with the shock of white hair next to her, that was Felix. He was our resident sniper and Nate’s best friend,” the last few words were whispered, but the room was quiet enough that the team could still hear him. 

“Buck? Who was Nate to you?” Hen asked they question they were all wondering.

His blue eyes flicked to Eddie out of habit maybe, but also out of fear. He knew the flag was a giveaway, in his mind, at least, but until he spoke the words, it wasn’t real. 

“Nate was my fiancé.”

*Flashback*

“So, who’s going to be my co-pilot?” 

Jen was back in their apartment, slowly helping them sketch stuff out and bonding with them. It was nice for Buck, almost like having friends. He knew deep down that Steve cared about him, but Jen’s easy acceptance was a balm he enjoyed basking in too.   
“No one from that pile,” Buck pointed at the stack of rejected CONFIDENTIAL files next to the couch.

“Exhausted your possibilities then?” Jen asked him, moving aside so that Buck could sit down next to her. 

“I get why we need another, but Steve’s options leave a bit to be desired.”

“Well, we need to pick someone,” Steve walked into the room, a frustrated look on his face “That was command.”

“They got a mission for us?” Jen sat up straighter.

Steve shook his head “But it won’t be long, and I don’t want to go in anywhere without a backup pilot.”

“You need a fly boy,” Jen remarked, sinking back into the couch a bit, “A real crazy type, to balance me out,” she winked at Buck. 

“We just need someone!” Steve grumbled, frustration evident in his every move as he slammed his coffee mug on the counter harder than necessary. 

“Do they have to be military? Like currently?” Jen queried, her brow furrowing in thought. 

“At this point? No.”

“What about a dishonorable discharge?”

Steve froze, mug in the air staring at the pilot. He put his mug down. 

“What kind of dishonorable are we talking about here?”

Jen’s lips thinned into a line, a frown twisting her face from calm to angry, but the shift was so subtle that it made Buck fidget. He hadn’t seen Jen angry yet. He hadn’t seen her in the heat of battle, nor had he had anything but glimpses of Steve’s frustrations. He knew they were trying to protect him, but his past was part of him and he wouldn’t hide from people who hadn’t hurt him, yet. 

“Jen?” his voice, quiet but calm, redirected her gaze from Steve to him and her lip uncurled, quirking up into a half-hearted smile. 

“It was DADT, Steve.” 

Buck hadn’t expected that, at all. His thoughts slowed, then kicked into overdrive. He didn’t look at Steve. He figured it would be written all over his face, his fear and shame. He focused on the carpet underneath his feet. 

His father had known and that had been the only other night Buck had actually passed out him injuries in that house. He hadn’t even done anything. It had just been a misplaced gaze, a look that lingered, and his father’s perception. Buck had stayed away from the mere idea of a relationship for years, coming to peace with what he might never have, and now, it was being thrown in his face. No matter how unconsciously she had done it, Jen had opened Pandora’s Box. 

Steve rapped his knuckles hard against the countertop, pissed off at the mere mention of DADT. He raised his eyes to look at Jen, but she was no longer looking at him. 

Buck. The kid was sitting, hands on his thighs, nails unconsciously digging into the denim of his jeans. Dammit! How had he missed it? Steve swore, and Buck flinched, Jen’s eyes blazing with fury at him. He shook his head. It wasn’t Buck he was angry at.

He moved toward them, carefully. 

“Buck?”

“Yeah?” Buck wouldn’t look at Steve, he couldn’t, because then he’d know. He could answer him though. 

Steve licked his dry lips, trying to figure out what to say. Jen stayed quiet, but she angled herself toward Buck, ready to launch herself at Steve if need be to protect Buck. 

“I was a teenager when I had my first crush on a guy. His name was Oliver.”

Steve wasn’t sure where the courage to say these words was coming from, but he heard Buck’s slightly heightened breathing hitch. 

“Military school isn’t a great breeding ground for figuring out your sexuality, so I didn’t. I don’t…” he struggled for words now and Jen, seeing him struggle, relaxed her protective stance. Slowly, she stood up from the couch, gesturing at Steve to take her place and patting his shoulder comfortingly as he did. 

Buck could hardly believe what he was hearing, but then Steve was next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “My father knew,” Buck murmured, leaving the pain in his voice to explain his feelings.

“Well, he was a piece of work that didn’t deserve you,” Steve murmured back, squeezing Buck’s shoulder “Mine just never talks about it. Don’t ask don’t tell at its finest, really.”  
“So,” Buck took in a deep breath, looking up at Steve cautiously “this doesn’t change anything…?”

“No, it doesn’t, pup.”

Buck let out a half sob, half laugh and Steve pulled him in for a hug. 

Thirty minutes later, Steve, Jen, and Buck pulled into the parking lot for “A gymnastics studio, Jen?”

“We don’t need an aerial gymnast. We need a pilot,” Steve griped, but Buck punched him in the shoulder, playfully. 

“Hush, Steve. Trust Jen, alright?”

“Fine,” Steve replied, fighting against the smile on his face as Buck reprimanded him. 

That was the only word Buck’s mind could think as Jen introduced them to Nathan Morgan and Felix Donahue. Nathan was damn fine, in his opinion. It didn’t hurt that they’d walked in on him teaching gymnastics to some awestruck twelve-year-olds and the precision of his uneven bar work was undeniable. His hands was warm, solid as it shook his hand. 

“We can talk in here,” Nathan led them into the trainer’s office, ushering them in and closing the door behind them “So, Jen, any particular reason you’re here with” his eyes flicked to Steve “Super SEAL” and then his green eyes landed on Buck “Baby SEAL?”

“I’ve got a proposition for you, Captain,” Steve said, voice levelled, not rising to bait of the underlying dislike in Nathan’s tone. 

“Well, sailor, at least buy me dinner first,” Nathan winked at Steve, Felix chuckled darkly, quirking an eyebrow at Steve. 

“If you planned on freaking him out with flirting, you aren’t going to get very far” Buck interjected, coming to Steve’s defense without being asked “and seriously, that’s all you’ve got?”

“Baby SEAL’s got spunk,” quipped Felix, “Alright, McGarrett. What do you want?”

“I need a pilot.”

“And I want my pension,” Nathan replied.

“I’ll triple it.”

Steve’s response gave Nathan pause.

“Not double?” Nathan asked, after a moment. 

“I figure triple is where we’ll end up, so might as well get there now,” Steve responded, tone still level. 

“Must be some job… or you’re very desperate. Which is it?”

“Both,” Buck cut in again “Jen tells us you can and will fly anything. Is that true?”

Nathan nodded, looking at Felix who shifted from his place, leaning over the door to come up and perch on the desk in the room with his friend. 

“You know I was discharged and why?” Nathan asked, voice less sarcastic than before, he met Steve’s gaze head on. “I’m not going back in the closet, not for anyone, Lieutenant Commander.” He spoke Steve’s title with steel in his voice. There was respect there, Buck could hear it and so could everyone else. 

“Where is he now?” 

Steve’s question caught Nathan off-guard. 

“Who?”

“The one you left the Airforce for.”

Nathan stayed quiet, his right hand clenching into a fist before he let out a breath “Gone.”

“Cheating scum,” Felix muttered.

“Fee,” Nathan hissed.

“No, I don’t care if you want to forgive him. Go ahead, but I ever meet him in dark alley, there’s going to be damage done.” Felix fixed Steve with a calculating look after his rant, huffing out a sigh, then his tone turned conversational, “You guys need a sniper too?”

*End Flashback* 

“Nathan and Felix were a matched set. You couldn’t take one without the other,” Buck told the room, his eyes not seeing the 118 though, instead his memories danced out in front of him “Felix’s term was up when they discharged Nate, so he left with him. Came back with him too. They even fell in love at the same time, according to them, “ he chuckled, softly. 

Buck blinked and the room came back into focus for him. 

“When did you get engaged?” that was Chim and Buck thinks he probably would’ve waved off the question from anyone else, but he’d told Chim first, well, after Maddie, and the other man had let him take his time with it. He wanted to repay that kindness. 

“We weren’t anything for the first few years, no one was,” he continued, “I was young. Rory and I were eighteen. But, the more you throw yourself into danger, the more you trust people, and open up, well, Nate said it best, we planted the seeds for it and carefully nurtured it,” Buck blushed, “He’s the one who taught me about flowers, ‘Thena.”

“Sunflowers!” Hen snapped her fingers, pointing her finger at Buck, “That’s why?”

“How?”

“We watched you and Steve spar,” Chim admitted, “Sorry, that was a real invasion of privacy.”

“Well, we did go somewhere that people could watch, so that’s on us too,” Buck replied, then he looked at Hen “Yeah, the tattoo is one of his.”

Eddie’s head was spinning, and he didn’t know what to focus on, which meant his brain latched onto the most recent Buck revelation. Buck had a tattoo -- one he’d never seen. A symbol of his love, permanent and probably beautiful, on his body. 

“What happened?” Bobby asked, his tone hesitant, as he watched Buck curl up a bit again from where he’d relaxed his posture.

“It was my first relationship and I didn’t want to mess it up,” Buck wasn’t sure why he felt it necessary to tell them this, but a quiet noise of surprise from Eddie was the only response to his words “We dated for years before he proposed.” Buck’s voice caught, and suddenly, he felt a warm hand curl around his ankle, his eyes meeting Eddie’s as the man slowly rubbed soothing circles into his leg. He didn’t want to cheapen his relationship, reduce it in anyway, but he knew he needed to finish his story tonight, and those tales of the good times didn’t fit with that narrative. He’d tell them, eventually, he hoped. 

“We were happy. All of us, and then, Rory died.”

He could feel the tears slipping down his cheeks. When his eyes shut he could hear it, the absence of her scream as she fell.  
“She cut her line during an air escape. She saved us,” Buck shuddered, tears falling faster “And then it started… It wasn’t even a day later that we were called to Felix’s hospital room to see” his throat constricted, catching his words as the scent of blood and brain invading his nose, the crunch of bone. He shook his head, violently. “He was dead. Almost took a nurse and guard with him. Rory had been pregnant; he’d just found out. She hadn't known.” He dug his nails into his knees, gripping tightly. The hand on his ankle moved, as Eddie stood, coming to settle on one side of Buck’s chair, Maddie coming up on the other side, each of them taking one of his hands. 

“Three days later we were in Libya,” he couldn’t see the room again, just the horrors of his memories, but he wasn’t falling into them like usual. He had anchors. He hadn’t had anchors in years. “He saved us. Steve and me. Nate.” 

Eddie’s gripped tightened on Buck’s hand, hating that he could do so little to help Buck at the moment. He brought his other hand up to the back of Buck’s neck, rubbing gently, trying to soothe and knowing it wouldn’t ever be enough to truly help. 

“He saved us.”

Buck’s words shook Bobby to the core. It all made sense now. Buck, who put himself in the line of fire time after time, not just because of his training, or his heart, but because that was how he’d been taught to love. The entire team had crowded closer, settling on the ground, or on the table, pressing close to Buck, grounding him. 

“We lost Jen and Trevor after, in surgery, makeshift in the desert,” Buck’s voice cracked, “I couldn’t do anything.” He gasped quietly, the tears still falling steadily down his face, and tried to wipe them away, but Maddie and Eddie wouldn’t let his hands go. Instead, Athena leaned forward, meeting Buck’s glassy and teary eyes, and slowly wiped his cheeks “Oh, Buckaroo,” she whispered, and Buck’s body moved, leaning forward until she clutched him in a hug. They all moved then.

It was a hug like he hadn’t had in years.

It tore Buck apart.

And put him back together. 

Back together they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll definitely be putting in more flashbacks, so this isn't the last of Strike Team Delta. Eddie and Buck talk a bit more in the next chapter. Also, I haven't forgotten about the apartment or the safe, they'll come in eventually, don't y'all worry. 
> 
> Also, the colours of the death dates on the photograph mean how they died. 
> 
> Aurora and Nate sacrificed themselves for others. 
> 
> Felix died by suicide.
> 
> Jen and Trevor died due to wounds in action.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie and Buck talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1.

Athena never wanted to let Buck go, a sentiment she was sure the rest of their family shared at the moment, but eventually, a touch to her shoulder from Bobby had her drawing back. Slowly, they split off from the hug, Maddie tucking herself into Chimney’s side, and Hen moving towards Athena. Eddie hadn’t let go of Buck’s hand yet though, nor had he moved his other hand from the back of Buck’s neck.

Hen shared a glance with Chim, and had it been any other night they probably would’ve teased Eddie mercilessly for making his feelings so damn obvious. But those teasing words would keep for another day, so they stayed quiet. 

It was Buck who actually moved away from Eddie, shooting them all a smile, small but genuine. His eyes were watery and bloodshot, but he looked lighter somehow. He pushed himself out of the chair, Eddie staying perched on its arm, tracking Buck’s every movement. 

“So, that’s the gist of it,” Buck’s voice was hoarse now “Steve made it clear that all of them would get full military funerals,” he walked over to the mantel, rubbing a finger lightly over Nate’s name on the flag case. “I worked one last mission with Steve and after that I was out, and I headed into the Fire Academy. Y’all know the rest,” he turned away from the flag to look at them, spreading his arms wide “This is me.”

“Thank you,” Athena and Chim spoke at the same time. Athena fixed Chim with a look that had the other man, backing off, smiling as she kept talking “Thank you for telling us. For trusting us, even when we haven’t been good custodians of that trust in the past.”

“Where does this leave us?” Hen asked, voice soft as if anything louder would shatter their tenuous peace.

“I don’t really know,” Buck told her, he shrugged, tucking his hands into his jeans, looking down for a moment, then his eyes flicked up “It doesn’t fix everything, but I think it could help get us there eventually.”

Hen sniffed, wiping at her eyes “You’ve got it Buckaroo.”

“So, nothing else tonight, huh?” Bobby asked, and Buck shook his head. There would be more, weaved into stories and dropped into conversations, but he’d said his piece. Maddie broke away from Chim to dart over and pull her brother into another hug, then after that she turned back “I can take you guys home now.” 

Hen and Chim’s eyebrows rose, while Athena opened her mouth to protest, but Buck beat her to it. 

“Maddie’s right. It’s late, or early, I’m not sure.”

“Late,” Maddie interjected, flashing her watch at him as he chuckled. 

“Kid,” Bobby said, trying to figure out what to say but Buck shook his head. 

“It’s okay, Bobby. I think y’all need some time and sleep.”

“We can’t just leave you, here right now,” Athena protested, concern evident in her tone.  
“Eddie’s sticking around for a bit, ‘Thena and when he leaves, I’ll be okay.” Athena opened her mouth to protest, but Buck tacked on another word that had her silent “Promise.”

“Fine. But I want to see you tomorrow,” she paused “if you don’t have plans.”

“Alright, ‘Thena.”

“Ummm, he’s my brother,” huffed Maddie in a fake show of annoyance “what if I want to see him?”

“Alright, get out, Maddie” Buck gently shoved her shoulder “You’ve seen enough of me to last a lifetime” he moved over to the door and opened it, walking out into the hallway. 

“Never!” Maddie ran at him, leaping onto his back, knowing without a doubt that he wouldn’t falter. 

“Menace,” he muttered, then looked over at Chim “Can you help me with this limpet?”

“Not sure if she’d like that,” Chim replied, laughing at the siblings but he stepped forward anyways, fixing Maddie with an amused look. She slid off of Buck’s back with more poise than he’d anticipated and pulled Chim forward instead “Let’s go then.”

“I call shotgun!” exclaimed Hen as the rest of the group made their way to the entryway, well, everyone except for Eddie. He stayed where he was, watching his family slowly piece itself back together. He stayed where he was and he waited. 

He waited until he heard the shuffles of feet and the hubbub of voices fade away, although he wasn’t sure if he heard the front door shut or not. His eyes skated over the photograph on the table, then the mantle, and then they skipped to the desk at the back of the room. The folder with their promise to each other was tucked in the top drawer he knew and just a bit further back were other photos. 

He stood up, pausing for a moment, but hearing nothing he went over to investigate. There was one of the 118, tucked a bit back, but not hidden. One of Buck and Chris made his heart clench. In this place, where Buck worked, where he hid from the world, he still wanted Chris near him. It made Eddie feel hot and cold all over, as he confronted how much he had to make up for to the man he loved. Another photo caught his eye, he now knew that this was Nate. They were in what looked like an airplane hangar and Nate had Buck in his arms. Neither of them was looking at the camera, they were too in love for that, Eddie could see it plain as day. 

Part of him thought that irrationally he should be jealous, but he wasn’t, he couldn’t feel that vicious green-eyed monster that had clawed at his heart and throat when he’d had to watch people flirt with Buck on calls. No, he felt sorrow looking at this photograph, but there was also so much gratefulness in his heart. He was glad someone had loved Buck like this, like he deserved, and he was angry that his Buck didn’t think he’d ever find love like that again. 

The sound of a throat clearing brought Eddie back to the moment. 

“I didn’t even hear you come in,” Eddie remarked, tearing his eyes away from the desk “Is that like stealth mode?”

A soft laugh sounded from Buck, as he sauntered into the room, moving up next to Eddie, leaning back against the desk. His eyes sweeping over the photographs, pausing fondly on the one of Chris, then he shifted, seemingly uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, if me having that makes you uncomfortable.”

It was Eddie’s turn to laugh, the sound coming out gentle and soft “I’d have to be the worst person in the world to be uncomfortable with the way you love Chris like he’s your own.” Eddie reached out to Buck, fingers just resting, splayed on Buck’s chest. He could feel Buck’s breathing hitch and his heart beat faster in time with Buck’s heartbeat. “I told you that there is no else I trust more with him than you. I meant it. I still mean it.” Eddie swallowed, taking a step closer to Buck who had nowhere to go, with the desk behind him. “I’m sorry, Buck. I’m so sorry. I knew it was hurting you, I could see it, and I just kept at it.”

“Eds, I’m sorry too,” murmured Buck, his words causing vibrations under Eddie’s hand, which hadn’t moved yet. 

“No, you have nothing to apologize for,” Buck opened his mouth, but Eddie moved his hand then from Buck’s chest to cup Buck’s chin. Leaning against the desk put Buck and Eddie at eye-level. Eddie found he rather liked this view of Buck. 

“If you insist on uttering those words again, you’ll do it tomorrow, in the light of day. Just let me say something now, please?” Buck nodded his head and Eddie’s hand shifted from his chin, sliding down Buck’s throat, to rest at the base of his neck, thumb lightly brushing against Buck’s collarbone. 

“I was angry because I hadn’t seen the signs. I didn’t listen to you, when you told me how frustrated you were, I didn’t offer you support when you needed it. Hell, I should’ve invited myself to that dinner with Bobby, because I knew something was wrong, but I just let it happen,” Buck made a noise of protest, but at Eddie’s look he quieted, Eddie’s fingers pressed just a bit harder, a squeeze of reassurance before he kept talking. “And then the lawsuit, Buck I was so angry at you, but the thing was I had no right to be. It just felt like… it felt like with Shannon all over again but this time it…” Eddie’s words faltered for a moment and Buck took a chance.

“Eddie, I abandoned you. At least it felt like it, and I knew, I was worming my way into your life. I never meant to try to take her place, you’ve got to believe that,” and then Eddie’s hand moved again, the fingers at his neck were suddenly over his mouth and Eddie’s other hand moved to rest on Buck’s waist, holding him in place. 

“I thought I was talking, Buck?” Eddie’s voice was warm and teasing, though the warmth battled with sadness in his eyes. “You talk about being part of my life like it was an op, but we wanted you there. We want you there. Me and Chris. We want you there. You weren’t replacing anyone, Buck. My mind just couldn’t process it, maybe because I’d come to rely on you too much,” he moved the hand covering Buck’s mouth back to Buck’s neck “at least too much without having actually had a conversation about why I trust you so damn much.”

Eddie gave himself a moment to watch Buck take in his words, to watch those blue eyes that he could happily gaze into the rest of his life went through several different emotions before landing on a hopeful confusion. Eddie wanted to chuckle at the confusion in Buck’s eyes, but really it was adorable enough to make him want to coo at the man in front of him. God, Buck was oblivious, wasn’t he? Did he think Eddie went around talking to other men like this? Eddie’s eyes flicked away for a moment, finding that photo of Buck and Nate, and he paused. Maybe, Buck wasn’t oblivious, maybe he was scared. That thought sobered Eddie and pulled his burgeoning chuckle back down into his body. 

He couldn’t, no, he wouldn’t rush this, not with Buck, because Buck deserved better. Buck deserved the goddamn world. 

He moved his hands from Buck’s neck and hip, watching as the other man seemed to unconsciously sway after him, chasing his touch and Eddie’s breath caught. So much trust, so much he hoped to deserve eventually. “I’m sorry, Buck. And this isn’t the end of my apologies, because I have a lot to make up for, but I wanted to start with this. I’m sorry for not being there for you and for not listening to you. I’m sorry that I pushed you away because you’re important to me…” he cleared his throat “and to Chris” he tacked his son’s name on the end, thinking that he was far from smooth with that save. “I was an asshole, who took out his anger on you instead of talking to you. I’m sorry.”

“I would’ve come over you know, when Chris was having nightmares. No questions asked.” Buck’s response was said quietly, and it made Eddie feel weak, because even here and now, Buck’s priority was his son, not himself. 

“I know, Buck. You would’ve dropped everything for him. I know that! I was selfish. I didn’t want him to see you, because I wasn’t sure what I would do, and I didn’t want him to see that” Buck flinched at Eddie’s words and Eddie realized how that sounded. 

“Buck, no, I don’t mean, shit,” Eddie took another step back, not wanting to crowd Buck “I wouldn’t ever hit you, Buck. Ever. That’s not what I meant at all.”

“I know,” Buck replied, voice steady “I know, Eddie, I just…”

“It’s a reflex,” Eddie murmured as Buck nodded. “God, Buck, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t, it’s…”

“It’s not okay, Buck. It’s never okay.” There was steel in Eddie’s voice now and Buck found himself nodding in agreement.

There was a moment of silence, then Buck spoke “I hope it’s okay that I told everyone you were staying later.”

“I don’t have a problem with that, Buck.”

“Good,” Buck bit his lip and Eddie wanted to be close to him again, but then he caught another glimpse of the photo of Nate and Buck and he remembered why he needed to approach this situation with gentleness and a dash of logic. 

Buck’s eyes followed Eddie’s own and Eddie watched a light blush dust Buck’s cheeks when they landed on the photo.

“When was it taken?”

“The day we got engaged,” murmured Buck.

“You know that no one blames you for not telling us, right? Buck?”

“It’s a pretty big thing to hide isn’t it?”

Eddie wasn’t about to let this line of thinking stand. “Coming out is personal Buck, as is disclosing past relationships.”

“Didn’t mean to back you into a corner tonight,” was Buck’s response. 

“You didn’t, I volunteered, remember?” He smiled “And Hen’s face was priceless.”

“It was,” Buck’s reply was a bit awed.

“He really loved you, you know?” Eddie remarked, unsure of why he said it, but it brought Buck’s eyes back to his face, so really, he couldn’t be too mad at himself. 

Buck nodded. “Yeah, I loved him too.” Buck let out a sigh “There’s something else, something I didn’t say tonight that I think you need to hear to understand. Is that okay?”

“Of course, Buck. You can tell me anything.”

“Can we, sit down?”

“Here?” Buck shook his head, and Eddie followed him back out into the house. They paused in the kitchen where Buck shot him a questioning look, which was answered by a nod. Buck retrieved a beer for Eddie and one for himself before they made their way out into the living room. They settled on the couch, Eddie taking a pull from the bottle, watching Buck peel at the label on his, waiting patiently.

“The last mission I went on, the one with Steve, at the end?” Eddie nodded; Buck had mentioned a final mission before returning to. “We were in Buenos Aires. It was an undercover mission. I bartended during the day and at night…” he paused, finally taking a drink from his bottle “You’ve got to promise you’ll let me get through this explanation without an interruption, Eddie.”

Eddie nodded, worried now about what Buck had to say, but he nodded all the same.

“At night, I fought. In an underground ring.”

That had not been Eddie was expecting, his mouth opened in surprise and only remembered his promise at the last moment. 

“I think Steve regretted bringing me the minute he saw me in the ring,” Buck put his beer bottle down on the table, Eddie glanced at it then put his down too, slipping a coaster under each one. Buck’s hands clenched, then unclenched and Eddie put out his hands, covering Buck’s on instinct. He hadn’t promised not to move; he had only promised not to speak. Buck didn’t look at him, but he let Eddie tangle their fingers together. “We were supposed to bring it down, from the inside. But when I was in it, I didn’t care. And Steve knew it, but I was already in. Every night, I went in and I didn’t care if I lived or died. I’d lost so much already, I just wanted it to be over. Sometimes, I would throw a match, just to get closer to that edge… that nothingness. So, when I found out about you,” Buck gripped Eddie’s hands tightly now, “I just freaked out. You scared me, Eddie. Because all I could think about was how I used to go into that ring wanting to die and if you had…” Buck’s throat seized up then, as if he couldn’t physically say the words himself, he couldn’t even give voice to the idea of Eddie dying, but Eddie didn’t need him to say it. Eddie just bundled Buck up into his arms and hugged him, with all he had, running soothing hands over Buck’s back and neck, letting Buck know he was here, he was alive and that he wasn’t going anywhere. 

“God, Buck,” Eddie pressed a kiss to the side of Buck’s head, trying to pull the other man even closer “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. It was never about that for me, I promise you. I just couldn’t handle my emotions. I never wanted to leave you or Chris, never. I promise.”

He kept Buck tucked in his arms even as Buck’s shaking subsided. 

“I’m sorry, didn’t want to make it about me, but I needed to…” Eddie pulled away from Buck then, fixing him with a piercing stare.

“Don’t apologize, Buck. Please, not for this,” Eddie pleaded with him “If you ever, ever, feel like that again, call me or anyone, just…” he pulled Buck close again “You’re not being selfish when you share, Buck. You’re not being exhausting.” Buck flinched in his arms. “Yeah, I remember being that asshole, Buck. I was wrong. So wrong. I’m sorry.”

Buck just burrowed a bit closer for a moment. 

“Thank you,” he murmured the words into Eddie’s neck and his breath caused Eddie to shiver slightly, pretending instead to adjust his hold of Buck. 

“No thanks, needed Buck. None at all.”

“But welcome?” 

“Hmm?”

“Thanks might not be needed, but are they welcome?”

Eddie smiled “Yeah, Buck, they’re welcome. Just like you always are.”

Buck huffed out a laugh and then moved back, and Eddie had to fight from tugging him back onto his chest. Buck bit his lip, the movement drawing Eddie’s eyes. “I just needed to tell you,” Buck told him.

“Thank you for trusting me,” Eddie replied, then a beat passed as Buck seemed to stare off into space “Do you want me to leave now?”

“What? Oh… sorry. No, finish your beer. It’s fine.”

“Buck… are you going to sleep tonight?”

Buck shrugged. “Maybe?”

“I’ve got a day off tomorrow. I could stick around, if you want me to?”

“You don’t have plans?”

“With you, I do.”

“Smooth, Eds.” Buck picked up his beer again.

“So, movie?”

“Sure.”

Eddie stood up, extending a hand to Buck and after pulling him up they headed off to the movie room. Buck put on Ocean’s Eleven after learning Eddie had never seen it “There’s a guy in here that looks just like Danny,” Buck commented, leaning back on the couch, Eddie setting himself up right up against Buck’s side.

“Speaking of friends,” Eddie commented as the movie began to play.

“Yours are coming in at the end of month,” Buck interjected, “Right?”

“How’d you… Chris.”

“Yeah.”

Eddie chuckled. 

“Would you, uh… want to meet them?”

Buck cocked his head, tilting to look at Eddie “Will Ross going to be there?”

Eddie nodded.

“So, that’s how…”

“Yeah, I knew a bit before everyone else.”

“You sure he’d be alright with that?”

“Yeah, he practically insisted that I make sure you come along.”

“Are you okay with that?” Buck fought back a yawn, but Eddie didn’t miss it. 

“I want you meet them.”

“You sure?”

“Yup.” Eddie nudged Buck with his shoulder, then taking a chance he slung an arm up around Buck’s shoulder, pulling him close “I promise. Now, relax and if you fall asleep, I’ll be right here.”

“Eddie, you don’t want to…” 

“Why don’t you let me decide what I want, huh, Buck?” and then he turned his attention back to the movie. 

“Fine,” Buck murmured, leaning his head against Eddie’s shoulder. 

By the end of movie, he wasn’t asleep, but he was close to it, so when Netflix suggested Ocean’s Twelve, Eddie let it play and eventually, Buck fell asleep.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after that Buddie conversation. 
> 
> Eddie's friends arrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1.

Eddie stayed on the couch all through Ocean’s Thirteen and then, he turned off the television, but instead of moving he kept Buck close and let himself doze off too.

Buck woke up four hours later, the tail end of a nightmare shaking him awake, but it wasn’t as violent as usual. 

“Buck?” Eddie’s voice was raspy, and it made Buck want to burrow just a bit closer to his… his friend, his best friend. He remembered that no matter what he’d shared last night, or how much Eddie had reassured him that they were still just best friends… he thinks, he couldn’t assume, right? “Buck.” Eddie’s voice sounded again, a tinge of concern now evident “You okay?”

Buck didn’t know what to say. 

“Don’t lie, okay? Did you have a nightmare?” Eddie’s fingers reached up to card through Buck’s hair, which was curly. He was fascinated by it; he'd never seen it like this before. “Your hair is curly?”

“Which question do you want me to answer?" Buck quipped back, his voice a bit shaky. 

“Well, the hair is obvious. It’s right here” Eddie tugged a curl lightly “So, nightmare?” He paused “Sorry, didn’t mean to pressure you.”

“Therapy’s really working for you, huh?” Buck replied.

“Don’t avoid the question,” Eddie murmured. 

Buck moved, pulling himself from Eddie’s embrace to get some distance. “Yeah,” Buck ran a hand over his hair, ruffling it up a bit more and Eddie tried to keep himself from smiling adoringly at Buck. He’s not really sure it worked. “But honestly,” his eyes flicked over to the digital clock under his television, “that’s more than I usually get in one try.”

“Buck,” Eddie said again.

“I’m still functional, Eddie. I don’t put other people in danger.”

“I know you don’t, but damn, Buck. Sleep is…”

“Sleep is important,” Buck replied, “I know.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“My nightmare?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s okay.”

“Buck?” 

“It’s always different,” Buck murmured, “This wasn’t such a bad one.”

“Doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it. I don’t know if you remember our conversation just a couple of nights ago, but I miss talking to you.”

Buck kept his head down, but he couldn’t help the smile taking over his face. “I missed talking to you too.”

“So?” Eddie sat up finally, poking Buck gently in the shoulder.

“Not today, okay?”

“Alright,” Eddie wouldn’t admit that he was disappointed, but he could tell he wasn’t great at hiding his reaction. Buck’s shoulders hunched in a bit and Eddie couldn’t have that, he leaned over to grip one of Buck’s shoulders with his hand. “Hey, you don’t owe me anything, okay? I know we’re still getting back to trust. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me, Buck.”

“Thanks, Eds,” Buck looked up, flashing Eddie a small but bright smile that made Eddie want to melt, “So, pancakes?”

“I’ll never say no to your pancakes.”

“Well, Rory didn’t teach me how to make them for me not to use them for evil.”

“And what evil purpose is that?” Eddie quirked an eyebrow at Buck.

“Well, maybe not evil, but selfish. Keeping you around,” Buck said, blushing a bit. He got up quickly from the couch, needing a bit of distance, because that sentence made his feelings super obvious didn’t it? How could he recover? “Or, you know, my actual favourite Diaz, Christopher.”

Eddie picked up a pillow and tossed it at Buck, who caught it and laughed. Eddie was picking up on Buck’s nerves and he wanted to do whatever he could to assuage them, slowly and gently of course. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

*Two weeks later* 

“Yo, Diaz!” Eddie jumped from the ambulance and turned to find himself overwhelmed by a hug. 

“Cal? What the hell?” He hugged his friend back, before being tugged into a hug from Will and then Greg, “You guys weren’t set to be here until…” he paused then realized he must’ve gotten their arrival times mixed up “Shit, y’all.”

“You forget about us, GI?” Will ruffled his hair even as Eddie ducked away, trying to right it. 

“So, they’re allowed to call you GI?” That was Hen’s voice and it was teasing as Eddie turned to her, blushing. 

“Course, what else would we call him?” Greg slung an arm over Eddie’s shoulder, “Name’s Greg Salter” and he put out his hand for Hen to shake, “What do y’all call him?”

Hen opened her mouth, but Chim butted in, coming from around the ambulance, “So, you just wanted Buck to call you Eddie, eh?” Chim shook his head at his friend, putting out a hand for Greg and the rest of the guys to shake. “I’m Chim, and that’s Hen.”

“Good to meet you all,” Will Ross put out a hand for the members of the squad to shake, “So, is your boy coming out tonight?

Eddie gritted his teeth, hissing “Will!”

“Oh, thank goodness! Another friend to the Buddie cause!” exclaimed Hen, clapping her hands.

“Buddie?” That was Bobby, and Eddie just wanted to sink into the floor now. 

“Their ship name,” Hen told their captain “You know, when it finally happens.”

“That’s actually kind of cute,” Bobby replied, but he turned to look at Eddie who shrunk back a bit under his captain’s stare “but that would require Eddie to make a move, wouldn’t it?”

“Damn, Cap. Harsh,” Chim quipped, laughing at Eddie’s predicament. 

“Seriously, bro! You haven’t done anything?” Greg shook Eddie’s shoulder a bit.

“It’s complicated. I’m going slow,” Eddie griped, trying to shrug out from under Greg’s arm but his friend kept him close. 

“And you are?” Cal put out a hand to shake Bobby’s hand. 

“Captain Nash, call me Bobby,” he shook Cal’s hand, then shot a glance at Eddie, lips quirking into a smirk “And Buck’s my kid.”

“Possessive much, Cap?” Chim chuckled, watching Eddie’s friends react to Bobby’s words. All three of them opened their mouths, gasping and then they laughed, at Eddie’s expense. “You know how to pick ‘em, Diaz,” Greg tried to catch his breath, still laughing. 

“Y’all are the worst. Absolutely the worst,” griped Eddie as he finally ducked out from Greg’s arm, blushing as Bobby turned and headed to check on something in the storage closet, having sufficiently embarrassed Eddie for the moment. Before Bobby vanished completely, he turned around and called back “Athena and I will be there tonight, Diaz. See you at 7.”

“Who’s Athena?” Cal asked.

“An LAPD Sergeant. And Bobby’s wife,” Hen told them “Oh, his Mom and Dad are going to be on you tonight.”

“Eww,” Chim cringed. 

“God, Chim! Not like that” Hen tossed packet of bandages at her friend. 

Eddie just shook his head, tilting his face to the ceiling, wondering if it was too late to pretend that his friends were figments of his imagination before tonight could happen and he was faced with an evening full of well-meaning teasing. 

Will came up to him, clapping him on the shoulder. “I’m excited to thank him, so thanks for having us, Eddie. Even if we bring all of this” he gestured at Greg and Cal already trading stories about Eddie with Hen and Chim “with us.”

“I’m glad you’re here. Honestly,” Eddie replied, “And the teasing isn’t a problem, although again, just because he’s bi doesn’t mean he wants me.”

“Eddie, don’t be an idiot,” Bobby was back carrying some inventory paperwork, “Seriously. Don’t even go there.”

“Uh? Bobby?”

“That’s all I’m saying. Again, see you tonight” Bobby “And clock out, your shift’s over. Plus, Buck’s here.” He pointed out the main doors, waving at Buck who was walking over, Christopher on his hip. Will let out a low whistle at the sight as Buck and Chris chatted, the former breaking out into laughter that was music to Eddie’s ears. 

“Oh yeah, he’s into you, Diaz. You just need to make him comfortable enough to tell you.”

“Or else,” Bobby muttered, smirking at Eddie again before he walked forward to greet Buck and Chris.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of Eddie and friends. Plus, the groundwork for some Maddie/Chim drama because I can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1.

“Hey Chris, I think there’s some of your Dad’s friends here!” Bobby called out. As he reached the pair, he ruffled Buck’s hair, and he dropped his voice to a loud whisper “I didn’t know he knew people outside of us,” which caused Chris to giggle. 

“Rude,” muttered Buck, but without any real heat behind it. 

Chris whispered in Buck’s ear and the man let him down, passing him his crutches too. He watched Chris get settled then head off toward the three men around Eddie. 

Buck hung back a moment, still keeping an eye on Chris, but now that this was actually happening he felt like he was on uneven ground. He wasn’t entirely sure why. He’d done his homework and knew everything he could ask about regarding Eddie’s friends. And, he knew a bit more than that, to be honest. He’d called Steve who had been more than happy to help out, even if it had meant a call to Catherine. They were on better terms now, but Danny still hadn’t totally defrosted on her because she had hurt Steve. Buck privately agreed with Danny, but he hadn’t turned down the information. 

Research was his safety net; it helped him feel prepared. 

“You okay, kid?” Bobby asked, quietly.

“Rough night last night,” Buck replied. Bobby nodded. He had heard from Teo and Buck about the apartment fire that had raged almost uncontrollably last night. More people had been lost than should’ve been, all because some teens had disabled smoke detectors in an attempt to keep their nicotine habit from their parents. Buck must be more exhausted than usual.

“Are you up for tonight?” Bobby’s eyes moved from Eddie and Chris, plus Eddie’s friends, to look at Buck, really look at him.

“I told him I’d be there,” Buck replied, voice firm. His jaw was set. Bobby knew then and there that Buck was going to be stubborn about this, and that the only person who might have a chance at convincing him to take a rain check was the one his boy had promised to be there for. 

Still, Bobby had to try. “Buck, look you if you need time o come off of a call like that…” but Buck cut him off.

“I’m aware of how to do my job, Cap.”

Bobby winced internally. He wasn’t even sure Buck had noticed his slip up, but the tone stung Bobby. Still, he opened his mouth to try again when their conversation was interrupted by the sound of a throat clearing. 

Will Ross stood in front of them. 

Seeing him, Buck’s mind catapulted back to what felt like lifetimes ago. He could feel it, the heat of Afghanistan on his skin, and hear it, the sound of bullets lodging in human and metal targets alike. The former landing with thumps and screams, the latter clinking and ringing. Felix had covered his six back then. Nate had rained down hellfire on their enemies, leaping from his helicopter almost the moment it landed, pulling Buck into his arms, knocking their helmets together to get a look at his eyes. 

Buck shook his head, trying to send the memory back, but he only succeeded in slamming a door on it. He knew it would return, probably soon too. But that wasn’t what this was about, this wasn’t about him, so he held out a hand “Almost didn’t recognize you, Ross, without the desert dust all over you.”

Chris was excitedly telling Greg and Cal something when he looked up, noticing Will had moved. He went to turn, cutting off his story, seeing Will over with Buck. “You haven’t met Buck yet!” Chris exclaimed, as if the thought had just occurred to him and it offended him greatly. 

“No, we haven’t bud,” Greg replied, grinning at Chris’s seemingly affronted attitude. 

“But we’ve heard a lot about him from your Dad,” Cal couldn’t resist ribbing Eddie a bit more. What he hadn’t expected was for Chris to be completely wise to his game. 

“Of course you have, he’s our Buck. He loved Dad first, but I’m his favourite.” Chris whispered the second sentence to Greg and Cal who were grinning likes cats who got the cream, while Eddie just looked at his kid, a little bit stunned. 

“Chris,” Eddie kept his voice down a bit, nudging Cal when his friend smirked. 

“Love isn’t something to be embarrassed about, Dad; I don’t know why you haven’t told him yet but May said it was complicated.”

So, Eddie knew which Grant to corner at the next family dinner. 

“He’ll be there when you’re ready,” Chris shrugged, seeming completely at peace with the words he was speaking “Just don’t take too long. He needs us.”

“Your kid has spoken, Diaz,” Greg chuckled, then he nodded at Buck, Will, and Bobby “How about you introduce us, huh?”

Chris nodded, leading the two men over, Eddie trailing after them, thinking about Chris’s words. Well, that was one blessing he didn’t have to worry about, and while Bobby had kind of threatened him, he completely understood why. So, Bobby and Chris were cool with it. He’d have to talk to Maddie and… Eddie shuddered, putting the idea of talking to the fourth person from his list before he seriously approached Buck about getting together, to the back of his mind. He knew it wasn’t exactly traditional, to get the shovel talk or whatever in advance of actually dating, but Buck’s family was important to him and Eddie didn’t want to cause Buck any extra or unnecessary stress. 

He snapped back to the moment as they stopped near Will and Buck, Bobby hanging back a step or two, shooting Buck concerned looks. 

Will shook Buck’s hand, wanting to pull the other man into a hug, but something beyond having just met him stopped him from doing it. Buck’s eyes were haunted, but then another blink and they were just blue again, not sunken. It made Will pause, but he recovered quickly. 

“I never really thanked any of you for that day, so thank you.” They weren’t the words he’d practiced, but they were the ones that came out of his mouth now. Will had agonized over thanking the man in front of him for keeping him and so many of his unit alive, against all odds. “Thank you” felt like a hollow phrase, but he hoped Buck could tell he was serious and sincere. 

“We were just doing our job,” Buck replied, pulling his hand back from the handshake, standing a bit stiffly, almost in parade rest except his hands hung by his sides “I’m glad you got out alright.”

“Me too,” Will flashed Buck a smile and the other man returned it, but he didn’t know Buck well enough to know if it was fake or not. “Eddie says you’re coming out with us tonight?” 

Buck nodded, then cocked his head a bit, fingers now drumming out a pattern on his thighs instead of hanging stiffly. “Only if you’re okay with that,” Buck replied. 

“More than,” Will reassured him “I’ve heard a lot about you, from a lot of places; it’ll be nice to actually talk.”

“Then I’ll be there,” Buck responded, just as Chris arrived next to Will “Hey superman, what’s up?” Buck dropped to a knee and Chris came over to run a hand over the hair Bobby had ruffled. 

“Bobby messed up your hair,” Chris told him in a matter-a-fact tone.

“Did he now?” Buck asked, looking at Chris, then Bobby, a warmer smile on his face than the one Will had seen earlier. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Chris bumped his forehead against Buck’s shoulder “Meet Dad’s other friends!” and Chris gestured at the other two men. 

Buck stood up, putting out a hand “It’s good to meet you guys.”

“You too, Buck. I’m Greg,” he jerked a thumb to his right “and that’s Cal. Chris was offended we hadn’t met his hero yet.”

At Greg’s words, Buck felt the rush of water fill his head. He still didn’t feel like much of a hero after the tsunami, but he kept himself together. He could do that for Chris. “Well, you already know Eddie, so…”

Eddie listened, trying to figure out what was going on with Buck. He’d seemed fine with Chris, but then again, Bobby was shooting Buck these looks. He could only operate based on what he knew though, and that was the tsunami and any mention of Chris in relation to it made Buck uncomfortable. So, he jumped into the conversation, to help Buck out “And now he’s got you.”

“Yeah, Buck, you’re my hero,” Chris latched onto Buck’s leg and as adorable as the action was Eddie saw the guilt in Buck’s eyes as he rested a gentle hand on Chris’s head. Chris looked up “My whole family is made up of heroes!” he told Eddie’s friends, who nodded at his pronouncement. 

“I’ve got to agree with you there, bud” Will said, but Buck wouldn’t look at them.

“You know, I think we’re going to check into our hotel, and we’ll meet up with you later. The time change is getting to me,” Cal commented.

“Newark, right?” Buck doesn’t know why he said it, but Cal just replied in the affirmative. Except, Buck could feel Eddie’s eyes on him now because he knew he hadn’t told Buck that, he’d only mentioned that Cal was based in New York, not specifying the city or the state. And now, he had to drive Eddie and Chris home because Eddie’s truck was acting up and he’d said he’d look at it. God, why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut for once. 

Eddie’s eyes lingered on Buck before reminding his friends of the restaurant they were heading to that night. Then he went to change, emerging to find everyone still in the main truck space, with Hen and Bobby entertaining Chris while Chim and Buck talked off to the side. Whatever Chim was saying was agitating Buck, although he was clearly trying to hide it. He raised his eyebrows at Hen who shrugged, tilting her head at Bobby who also shrugged. 

“See you guys tonight?” 

“Yup,” Hen replied, eyes still monitoring Buck and Chim’s conversation. “Go save, Buck yeah?”

“On it,” murmured Eddie, helping Chris up from where he’d been sitting, “Come on, Buck’s coming home with us today!”

“He is? Buck!” Chris’s voice carried, breaking up Chim and Buck’s discussion, and Buck stepped away from Chim to meet Eddie and Chris halfway. 

“See you tonight, Chim?” Eddie called, as Chris and Buck set off for Buck’s Jeep. 

Chim nodded, striding forward “It’s fine. We were just talking about Maddie.” He looked a bit shamefaced and frustrated. 

“You two okay?”

“Yeah,” Chim waved off his concern “See you tonight, Eddie.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” Eddie headed off, jumping into Buck’s passenger seat, noticing the radio, already tuned to Chris’s favourite station, was turned on and turned up. So, no talking on the way back was going to happen.

When they arrived at Eddie’s May was already there, ready to pick up Chris for a night with her Denny, Harry, and Carla. “Thanks again for doing this May,” Eddie told her as Chris went to go get his stuff. 

“It’ll be fun,” May replied, then peering around Eddie and finding no one she raised her eyebrows “Where’s Buck?” 

Eddie blushed “Trying to fix my truck.” 

“Ah,” May nodded, knowingly, and Eddie was reminded of Chris’s earlier comment, about him telling Buck his feelings being complicated. 

“Which reminds me, what are you doing gossiping about my love life with my kid?” 

“Oh, honey, we’ve got to talk about something interesting,” Carla had arrived, planning to ride over with May in her car. “Also, do you know Buck’s shirtless in your driveway? And with tools no less!”

Eddie fought to keep his face still, but he could feel the blush creeping up his neck. He cleared his throat, although it was suddenly dry, but it was May who answered. 

“He’s fixing Eddie’s truck, Carla.”

Eddie could hear the laughter in her tone. 

“He’s being helpful, which is what makes him so great.” 

“Sooo great,” May echoed, real laughter escaping her now. 

Eddie fixed both of them with unimpressed looks. “Look you two, I don’t need either of you meddling, it’s bad enough Chris said”  
“What did he say?” May and Carla spoke in sync, curiosity alight in their eyes, teeth visible as they smirked. Eddie thought about how they were looking at him like sharks might regard a defenseless seal, not that he was defenseless, hell he had his own SEAL out front. Damnit. He cursed his brain for claiming Buck again. 

“Just stuff.”

“Stuff?” Now Carla looked unimpressed. 

“He said I love Buck and that you” he pointed at May “told him this was complicated” he made air quotes around the last word. 

“And?” Carla asked, still unimpressed. 

Eddie sighed. “Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, for me, and Chris, and Buck. I do. But this can’t happen like this, like it’s a half-assed idea that I’m trying on for size, okay? I need to do this carefully, test the waters, and treat him right.”

“Damn, well, when you put it like that,” May acknowledged Eddie’s words with a nod and a smile. 

“Since when do you talk about your feelings?” was Carla’s contribution. 

“Since Buck!” Chris was back, with his bag packed “Dad’s better at it since Buck, Carla. He’s trying really hard, Buck told me so.”

And Eddie blushed again, both at being called out so directly by Carla and for knowing Chris actually noticed a difference in how he acted pre-Buck. 

“I think it’s time for you to head out, buddy,” Eddie swept Chris up into a hug, pressing a kiss to his curls “Be good for May and Carla.”

“I will,” Chris called out as he and May moved to the hallway to grab his shoes and jacket “Love you!”

“Love you too!” Eddie called back as May and Chris left, turning back to Carla he tried not to fidget under the look she was giving him. 

“There might be hope for you yet, Diaz. Alright, May and I will save our gossiping for when the kids go to bed.”

Eddie figured that’s the best he was going to get, so he nodded in agreement. 

“What happened to not responding when people call you Diaz, Eds?” And that was Buck’s voice, and Eddie turned instinctively, forgetting somehow that Carla had told him that Buck had been working shirtless in his driveway for the past hour or so. Buck was still shirtless, in his kitchen. 

Eddie’s brain went off-line. 

“Eddie?” Buck was suddenly closer to him, the back of one of his hands on Eddie’s forehead, “Are you feeling okay? You look flushed.”

“He’s fine, Buckaroo. Just scandalized him with some girl talk,” Carla told Buck, in an attempt to help, but she was obviously enjoying watching Eddie suffer too. 

Buck’s face was still concerned though, so Eddie forced himself to reboot if only so he could properly catalogue this view of Buck for later perusal. The object of his affections was hot, so sue him. 

“I’m off, Eddie. See you later Buckaroo,” Carla winked at Buck, who was definitely clueless at the moment and headed out. 

“You sure you’re okay?” Buck stepped closer again, to cup Eddie’s cheek.

“I’m good, Buck” Eddie forced the words out, making himself meeting Buck’s eyes instead of trailing down his body. 

“I want to check your temperature.” 

Eddie reached up to grab Buck’s hand on his cheek, pulling it away “I’m good, honestly.” He didn’t let go of Buck’s hand though and he looked down at them, thinking about how easy it would be to intertwine their fingers. Why was he going slow again? “As for the Diaz thing, well, you might hear it a bit tonight. The guys call me that sometimes, GI too.” 

A note of surprise from Buck brought Eddie’s gaze from their hands back up to Buck’s face, skating over his torso “But I wanted you to call me Eddie and I didn’t think you would, at least given our first day.” Their hands fell apart, as Buck brought his hand up to the back of his neck, blushing a bit himself. 

“Yeah, not my finest hours. I’m sorry for being a dick that day.”

“I know,” Eddie responded, “And you weren’t going to get rid of me that easy. I wanted you to be my friend.”

“That turned out well,” murmured Buck, eyes meeting Eddie’s “right? For the most part, at least.”

“For all the parts,” Eddie argued, playfully. He loved that he could be playful with Buck. With Shannon, he’d been the protector, the breadwinner, the serious one, but never were they truly playful. They had fun, and he’d loved her, without a doubt, but in the end, they loved the idea of each other more than they loved their true selves. He never felt that way with Buck. He never felt stifled, or pressured to act a certain way, his only source for those expectations was himself, which he was learning was an expression of what Carla had called toxic masculinity. 

Buck was the antithesis of the tornado of expectation inside of him, and it made Eddie love the other man even more. 

“Sure, you keep on thinking that Eds,” Buck quipped, but the hurt Eddie expected to hear underlining those words wasn’t evident. Hell, Buck was even smiling at him. “Ummm, so your truck’s good, but I should go get changed.”

His eyes traveled down Buck’s chest now, eyes alighting on the tattoo on his side that he’d never seen before. Eddie knew without question that this was the one Hen had been talking about. He wanted to reach out and touch it. He almost did, then paused, looking at Buck whose eyes were on his fingers, hovering in the air. Eddie dropped his hand. 

“Is that Nate’s tattoo?”

Buck licked his suddenly dry lips and nodded. 

“It’s beautiful,” Eddie stated, fingers twitching at his side. 

Slowly, as if he wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing or why, Buck stepped closer, moving his arm. “You can look, if you want,” and Eddie did. He stepped closer, tracing the lines with his eyes. 

It truly was a masterpiece, well, one for one, Eddie supposed, nose twitching at his own sappiness. 

“Buck, can I…” He wanted to touch it, to trace each petal with his tongue, but he’d be content if Buck just let him skate his fingers over it. 

Buck’s phone rang, the sound blaring and shattering the moment. Buck pulled out his phone “Maddie?” his breathing a bit laboured, like he’d been working out, or like he was trying to keep his breaths short as Eddie examined his tattoo with such intensity that he hadn’t been the subject of since Nate. It was confusing, but he’d told Eddie he could look. God, Buck could kick himself. They’d just been talking about their friendship. 

He shoved all of that to the back of his mind as he concentrated on his sister, who was ranting at him about Chim. He closed his eyes, praying for some strength. 

“Maddie, Maddie listen to me!” Buck was agitated now, but Eddie had no clue what was going on. He decided to slip out, get Buck a new shirt and a towel for a shower. His disappearing act had nothing to do with how much he’d wanted to shove Buck against the counter and mark his chest. No, it had nothing to do with that at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your awesome comments make me smile and help me keep writing! Thank you so much!


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just had to get this plot bunny with Steve, Danny, Buck and emojis out. Enjoy a bit of Buddie, Madney drama, and McDanno.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Steve McGarrett or Danny Williams. Nor do I own 9-1-1. 
> 
> Italics = texts

“Is Maddie okay?” Eddie asked as he walked into his living room, Buck sunk down on the couch, head in his hands, phone on the table.

Buck sighed, then lifted his head, to flop back on the couch. He was still shirtless.

Focus Eddie, focus.

“Yeah,” Buck replied, sighing again.

“Wow, you’ve got me convinced,” Eddie responded, and Buck half-heartedly glared at him “You should consider undercover work.”

“I’ll show you undercover work,” grumbled Buck.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Eddie asked, both teasing and flustered. He knew what Buck meant, but the implication of Buck under covers, possibly in his bed, under his covers had derailed his thoughts again.

“I need to go get ready,” Buck pulled Eddie from the moment “I’ll meet you there in an hour?”

“You don’t have to go,” Eddie interjected quickly “I’ve got some stuff for you here. You can shower upstairs.” Please, please, stay. The words looped in Eddie’s brain and he figures an angel heard them, because Buck paused, then nodded.

“You sure?”

“Why don’t you let me decide what I want, huh, Buck?” Eddie replied, echoing his words from two weeks ago when they’d fallen asleep together watching the Ocean’s movies. “Go, we can take my truck down. Test out your mechanical prowess,” inside his mind he was yelling at himself to shut up.

Dear god, Eddie needed to stop thinking about Buck and prowess, and shirtless-ness, and being under covers.

“Go, Buck.”

Buck waited for another moment, “I’ve got to make another call.”

“Then make it, and then get in the shower. Get, Buckley; that’s an order.” Eddie even found himself tossing in a wink with that last sentence, and seriously who was he, and where was his game?

Buck huffed out a laugh, but nodded, after tossing Eddie a mock salute.

Damn, now Eddie’s mind had latched onto the idea of his best friend, in his shower naked, using his soap, his shampoo. Buck would smell like him and… he needed to calm down. He tried to occupy his mind with other things, but Buck was a prominent theme.

He wondered who Buck needed to call.

Buck got to Eddie’s bathroom, closing the door behind him. Alright, he had no idea what was going on, because it felt like Eddie was flirting. But no, maybe he was just enjoying being out around everyone now? Yeah, that made sense to Buck. No reason to dig deeper on that front, he’d already endured enough heartache for several lifetimes and he and Eddie were just getting back to where they had been before. One day, he’d tell Eddie, once the other man found someone. He’d tell him and they’d laugh about it, and Buck just hoped it wouldn’t tear his heart in two in the process.

Danny would call him a masochistic. Thinking of Danny reminded Buck of the phone call he had to make.

“McGarrett.”

“Steve.”

“Buck? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Steve. I’m good, not fine. I remember, you don’t like fine being used as a descriptor except for yourself.”

“Buck, is there a point to this call?”

“Yeah, and it’s not exactly a sunshine and rainbows topic. Where are you right now?”

“Home.”

“Where’s Danny?”

“Just arriving with take-out,” Buck heard the phone shift, a quiet brush of lips, and then the sounds of the room come alive as Steve put him on speaker.

“Hey pup!”

Steve grumbled, but Buck just laughed.

“Hey Danno!”

“So, what’s going on if everything’s so good, pup” Steve refocused the conversation.

“Maddie wants to go back to Hershey.”

The sounds on the other end of the line stopped, completely.

“Not forever. For a visit,” Buck clarified after another moment of silence.

“Wow,” Danny muttered “That’s… okay. And?”

“I don’t want her to go alone.”

“Understandable, so far I’m following. What I don’t understand is…”

Steve cut Danny off “No, Buck. No.”

“I know, it’s not a great idea, but”

“No, pup. Don’t do that to yourself.”

“I still don’t get…” Again, Steve cut Danny off “Buck wants to offer to go with her.”

“Oh. Buck, I know her life wasn’t perfect there, far from it, but kid, you’re just healing from your own traumas.”

“I don’t really want to go, but she can’t go on her own, guys.”

Danny made a noise of protest.

“She’s not defenseless or anything, but that place, it operates differently, and she didn’t see everything it became. She’s seen the worst of people, obviously already, but she doesn’t know what to look for or who. I do.”

“And you called me because I came back here after my dad’s murder,” Steve’s words were a statement, not a question.

“Yeah.”

“I’ve hardly got tips and tricks for trauma processing in me, pup,” Steve slid forward, closer to the phone, Danny having stopped unpacking food came to lean against Steve who was sat at the kitchen island. Danny settled a warm and comforting hand on the small of Steve’s back, grounding his partner with his touch.

“I know, I just…” Buck trailed off, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. He sunk down on the floor, leaning back against the cabinets in Eddie’s bathroom. He needed something to ground him, and he got his wish. He spotted a hoodie -- one he was sure Eddie had worn just a few days ago, based on Instagram. Buck tugged it off the counter, hoping it hadn’t been washed yet. He pulled it to his chest, breathing in the scent of Eddie, letting it ground him.

Buck knew this was beyond friendship behavior, but talking about Hershey, about that house, and Maddie’s past with Doug made him just a bit too needy to care about anything else right now.

“What about her boyfriend?” that was Danny.

“She mentioned it to him. She doesn’t want him to come… I think she’s still a bit scared he’s going to run what with the reality of her past and all this stuff with me; him lying to her didn’t help.”

“I imagine it wouldn’t,” Danny pinched the top of his nose, furrowing his brow in frustration, “What do you think, Buck?”

“I want him to go.”

A beat of silence.

“Because you’re scared?” Steve’s voice was soft now.

Buck sniffed, pulling his knees up, and cuddling the hoodie more.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Is it also because you think he needs to be put to the test?”

Another “Yes,” left Buck’s lips “They’re arguing about it. I thought he was telling her she didn’t need closure there, so I got pissed at him, but then he explained it and… I just don’t know what to do.”

Another beat of silence. Another sniff from Buck, who hated crying, but had definitely been doing a lot of it lately anyways.

“I could do it, for her. I’d move mountains for her…”

“But you shouldn’t have to torpedo your mental health for her to visit your mom’s grave, pup.”

“I just… I don’t know. I shouldn’t have called.”

“Okay, that’s wrong, on so many levels,” Danny interjected “Factually, so even. We’ve asked you to call when you need us, and you did, so no apologies, Buck.”

Properly, admonished Buck sniffed again.

“What do you think?” Steve asked.

“We’re all going out tonight.”

“Right, the soldiers are in town,” Steve remarked.

That elicited a shaky laugh from Buck “Well, I think I’m going to take Chim’s phone so he can’t keep arguing with Maddie, and I’m going to get Maddie to come down. They need to talk in person. A lot can get lost in translation.”

“Especially, over text” Steve agreed “And if them talking it out doesn’t work?”

“I don’t know,” Buck told him, already daunted by the prospect of going back there.

“We’ll be on the next flight out if need be, Buck.”

“Thanks, Danno.”

“Now, get up off the ground and get ready for your night out. God knows you need one,” Steve ordered him.

“Everyone’s giving me orders today,” grumbled Buck, “How’d you know I was on the floor?”

“You either pace while talking on the phone or you sit in one place, usually on the ground,” Steve replied, then he tacked on “Who else gave you orders?”

Buck blushed, as he got to his feet, extremely conscious of Eddie’s hoodie still in his arms. But Steve couldn’t know that, he didn’t have x-ray vision.

A snicker came over the line, that was Danny’s for sure.

“Be safe with the soldier, Buckaroo!” called out Danny as Buck continued to blush and then Steve grabbed the phone, switching it off speaker “Buck? You got something to tell me?”

“No. No. Nothing.”

“You sure?”

“Nothing you don’t already know,” Buck told him, “You know like I’m in love with him and now that I know he’s bi it hurts a little bit more. But he’s my best friend, and I need that right now.”

“You know, I was convinced Danny was only my best friend too, for a long time.”

“Yeah, well, we can’t all be so lucky, Steve.”

Steve could hear that Buck was planting his feet and standing his ground, for the moment.

“Fine. Dropping it for now then, to be resumed later.”

“Steve, this isn’t a training exercise. This is my heart,” pouted Buck.

“Which is a muscle, that needs training and exertion too.”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“Talk to you soon, pup.”

“Bye, Steve.”

Buck ended the call, then he shot a text off to Maddie. With that done, he put down Eddie’s hoodie, reluctantly folding it and putting it back on the counter before stripping down for his shower.

He was just soaping up when he heard a knock, then Eddie’s voice and he had to stop moving his hands over himself. He wasn’t doing anything sexual at the moment, but Eddie’s voice was enough to start a low heat simmering in him.

“You left the shirt on the bed, so I thought I’d bring it in,” Eddie called, cracking open the door and sliding in, aiming to be quick so he wouldn’t do something stupid like pull open the shower door and offer to wash Buck off after they got dirty together. Eddie shook his head. Seriously, he was wondering if all of his game had fucked off the same time he had fallen for Buck, because his ideas were cheesy. They’d still be so satisfying though.

Buck called out a thanks, but didn’t dare move while Eddie was still in the room, even if the shower door was opaque he felt like Eddie could see him.

Eddie placed a black Henley shirt, which was actually his on the counter, noticing first that his hoodie was folded neatly on the counter. Eddie, despite having been in the army, didn’t relish folding in anyway. He put it off for days if possible, plus he’d just worn that hoodie, which definitely meant he wouldn’t have folded it. He picked it up, bringing it to his nose and Buck’s cologne wafted up, biting his lip to keep from saying anything he put the hoodie back.

Forcing himself to act normally, he called out “We’ll leave in like twenty minutes,” and really, he was leaving, but a text flashed on Buck’s phone next to the shirt he’d left and he caught sight of the winky-faced and the eggplant emoji. The text was from Steve and all it said, was _Be good, pup_.

Eddie high-tailed it out of there, closing the door loudly behind him.

Buck swore that he and Steve were just friends. There had to be an explanation for the text, right? Right?

Out in his bedroom, Eddie couldn’t help sinking down onto the bed, lying back and thinking of Buck. Gripping Buck by his hair, his blue eyes fluttering up at Eddie underneath those lashes, on his knees, and being able to utter the words “Be good, Buck.”

Eddie pushed himself off the bed.

Not the time. Not the time for a jealousy boner, or whatever was happening to him at the moment. Eddie cast his mind around, thinking of whatever he thought might ease his situation.

Greg and the guys doing stripteases, yeah, that helped. Like they were fit, but not his type at all.

He heard the shower shut off and moved quietly out of his bedroom.

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

In Hawaii, Steve swore.

“What did you do?” Danny asked.

“My finger slipped on the picture things.”

“On the emojis?” Danny queried “What’d you send?”

Steve turned the phone and Danny almost choked on his food, then he started to laugh.

“Steven!” he exclaimed, once he got his breath back, “That sounds like you’re his sexual dominant. Babe, the eggplant is a stand in for a part of the male anatomy that I’m sure you won’t be giving, Buck.”

Three bubble popped up as Danny laughed at Steve some more.

_Please tell that was for Danny. And if it was, you’re never allowed to call me, pup again McGarrett._

Danny snatched Steve’s phone from him -- _His fingers slipped, no booty call tonight, kiddo. At least not with us._

Buck read the response, breathing a bit easier.

_Thank goodness, here I was thinking I actually knew when people were into me like that. I’ve still got it apparently._

_Wouldn’t count my chickens yet, pup. Say hi to soldier boy for us. <3_

Danny passed the phone back to Steve.

_Love you Danno. You too, Steve, even if you just gave me a minor heart attack._

_Sorry, pup. Have a good night!_

_Let Danny or Grace teach you about dangerous emojis, eh, Smooth Dog?_

_Shut up._

_Yes, sir ;)_

Steve groaned as Danny laughed at Buck’s response.

“Oh, he’s your brother alright. A little bit dense, and a whole lot clever,” Danny remarked, “Now be good, babe. Eat up your dinner, or you’ll never get your eggplant.”

Danny had to take a photo of Steve’s glare.

He sent it to Buck.


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 118 and Athena have dinner with Eddie's friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1's characters.
> 
> I didn't mean for there to be angst but it's me, so it's here.

Buck came out of the bathroom phone in hand, dressed in Eddie’s shirt, which fit him just right. He couldn’t help wondering about it seeing as they weren’t actually the same size but deciding to shrug off that question Buck headed back to living room, feeling a bit better now that he’d talked to Steve and Danny. Eddie was perched on arm of the couch, fiddling with his phone. 

“Hey, thanks for loaning me something,” Buck said and as Eddie looked up Buck almost swooned, because Eddie looked so fond and happy. He wanted to believe it was because of him, but then he heard “Daaaaad!” and he knew Eddie was on a video call with Chris. 

“I’m still here, buddy. In fact, Buck’s here to say hi too,” and he beckoned Buck over, his eyes now focused on his son, or else he’d just be gazing dopily at Buck and Chris might say something about it. 

Buck walked over, leaning against the back of the couch, his shoulders brushing up against Eddie’s as he raised up the phone. “Hey superman, how’s it going?”

“Awesome! We’re making our own pizzas!” Chris had a bit of flour on his nose and Buck had to break into a full-blown grin at the adorableness. 

“That’s so cool!” Buck exclaimed “What’re you putting on yours?”

As Chris launched into a detailed description of what everyone was putting on their pizzas, Eddie found himself drifting, just thinking about having nights like this forever. Nights with him Buck and Chris. He felt one of Buck’s arms circle around his back and grip the arm of the couch to help Buck keep his balance and Eddie leaned back into the unintentional embrace unconsciously. Buck’s arm tightened a touch, bracing Eddie, but Buck never paused or shot him a glance. Eddie smiled; he would take what he could get. 

“Dad, you and Buck are going to have fun tonight, right?” Chris’s question brought Eddie back to the moment. 

“Of course, mijo.”

“Good, because Carla says you both need a break,” Chris’s voice was almost disapproving, as if the idea that either of them might be stressed was something he wanted excluded from the narrative arcs of both their lives, like right now. 

“I’ll make sure your dad has fun, Chris. You have my word, kiddo.”

Chris’s response was a blinding smile and the words “I love you, Bucky,” before he heard Carla calling in the background “Love you too, Dad!” he called out before hanging up. 

“He’s right,” murmured Buck. 

“About?”

“We need a break,” Buck gently bumping foreheads with Eddie, pausing a moment, then as if coming back to himself Buck moved back and stood up. 

Eddie knew that Buck meant all of them, the crew, Maddie, and Athena, but he pretended, just for a moment that Buck was talking about the two of them. 

“So, we’re taking your truck?”

“You sure? I don’t mind you crashing here afterwards if we take an uber. You don’t have to be the DD, Buck” Eddie said, but Buck just tossed him a quick smile as he headed to the front door. 

“I’d rather know you’re getting home safe, Eds.” It felt like a confession as soon as it left Buck’s lips, but he had other things to focus on right now, like putting his shoes on the correct feet.

“Uber is relatively safe, especially in numbers, Buck.”

“Yeah, I know, but I’d rather drive. If you don’t mind, that is?” Buck paused, Eddie’s keys in his hand, eyes wide and questioning.

“I don’t have a problem with it, Buck.” Eddie told him, “Although,” he stepped over to tug the keys from Buck’s hands, nudging the other man with his shoulder “I’m going to drive.”

“You don’t trust my skills?” Buck asked, and while his tone was lighthearted, Eddie wanted to leave no doubt in Buck’s mind that he trusted him. 

“There’s no one I trust more,” Eddie replied, the moment stretching between them “with anything.”

Buck blushed, ducking his head, but since he was just a bit taller Eddie still got a view of his face and it made Eddie smile, internally.

“Ready to head out?” 

Buck nodded, his blush still dusting his cheeks.

The drive was comfortable. Eddie had turned on the radio, but he wasn’t really paying attention to the music playing. Buck on the other hand was drumming his fingers on his own knees along with the beat. 

“You know, I don’t remember telling you Cal was based in Jersey,” Eddie commented off-hand at when he stopped at a red light. 

“I guessed,” Buck muttered, but Eddie wasn’t going to let him get away with that blatant lie. 

“You’re not that lucky, Buck.”

Buck shifted, angling his body away from Eddie in a bid to give away less with his body language. 

“You researched them, didn’t you?”

Buck was still quiet. As the light turned green and Eddie kept driving, he reached out to turn the radio off, letting the silence in the car make room for their impending discussion. 

“I know how you get, Buck; I don’t have a problem with it,” Eddie found himself filling the silence. 

“You’re not, like freaked out by that?” Buck asked, determinedly keeping his eyes on the traffic outside of his window, fingers scratching haphazardly at his jeans instead of drumming out a rhythm. 

“Buck, of all your quirks, your research is one of your most endearing,” Eddie told the other man, watching Buck turn to look at him out of the corner of his eye “But I am curious how you got that information…”

“Steve,” Buck replied “His ex-girlfriend, she owed him a favour and…”

“He’d do anything for you,” Eddie filled in, hands tightening on the wheel a fraction as he remembered the suggestive text he’d read earlier from Steve to Buck “You sure he’s not carrying a torch for you?”

“I’m not sure of a lot, but Steve McGarrett has never been interested in me like that. I don’t know why all of you keep asking me about that,” some of Buck’s confidence was back. 

“Just curious.”

“Now, who’s blatantly lying?” Buck sassed back. 

Eddie had to try hard to keep himself from just breaking out into a grin.

“My curiosity isn’t a lie.”

“Not the whole truth either.”

“Just looking out for you,” Eddie murmured, “I haven’t done such a great job with that in the past and I told you I’d do better.”

“Eddie,” Buck turned in his seat, gearing up to have a serious conversation, when Eddie pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant.

“We’re here,” and because he wanted to avoid the conversation Buck wanted to start he hopped out quickly, just keeping himself from running around and opening Buck’s door for him. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

Maddie wasn’t sure why Buck wanted to meet her at a restaurant. She was so sure he’d had plans with Eddie. She looked up from her phone to see the two men heading toward her. “Buck?” she called out, waving at them. 

“Umm, Buck?” Eddie murmured, but Buck put a hand on Eddie’s shoulder.

“It’s fine. Go ahead, I’ll be right behind you,” Buck murmured, “Just need to fix something with Chim and Maddie.”

“Do you want me to stay?” Eddie pressed, placing a hand on the small of Buck’s back, feeling the tension in Buck’s muscles underneath his hand. Buck shook his head, although Eddie wasn’t fully convinced. Then, Cal, Will, and Greg showed up, spilling out of their uber and called out to Eddie.

“Go, I’ll be right in,” Buck insisted.

Eddie didn’t move though, so Buck stepped away “Go Eddie, I’ll be in soon.”

“Promise?” Eddie asked, knowing how seriously Buck took promises. 

“Promise,” replied Buck, a tight smile on his face “Now, go gather your friends and get our table. Bobby and Athena are probably already here.” He took another step away from Eddie, beckoning to his sister who moved toward him just as Chim pulled up with Hen in the passenger seat. 

Chim’s look of surprise was all Eddie registered before his field of vision was obscured by his friends, who were tugging him along into the restaurant. 

“So, did he even leave your place after we left?” Cal teased, after Eddie spoke to the hostess at the front.

Eddie shook his head, a small smirk on his face. 

“And that’s right where you want him,” Will remarked, shaking his head. 

“My God! How do your co-workers stand you?” exclaimed Greg as they headed back through the restaurant, where Buck was proved right because Bobby and Athena were already there, perusing menus. 

Eddie shrugged, the smile still on his face. 

When they finally reached the table and introductions were made, Hen arriving at the table just minutes after them, Greg made a point to tell Athena that he thought the whole crew should get special medals for dealing with pining colleagues which made her smirk in response. Eddie could already tell this evening was going to be a good one; if what it took for his family to relax was to tease him, he was all for it. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

“Buck, what am I doing here?” Maddie asked, staunchly ignoring her boyfriend who was still in his car, which Hen had left after they pulled into the parking lot. 

“You need to talk to him, Maddie.”

“Buck, I told you…”

“Yeah, you told me why. Or more accurately, you gave me an excuse. You’re scared, Maddie. Don’t you think,” he lowered his voice as he continued to speak “the person you love deserves to know why you’re scared?”

“I’m not scared,” Maddie insisted, but she wouldn’t look at Buck.

“I am,” Buck said instead, “I would be.” He drew in a deep breath “You think after everything we’ve been through lately that this is what’s going to break you two? Seriously? Give him some credit, Maddie.”

“You forgive too easily. You get hurt too much.”

“Maybe I do, but I would never trade my vulnerability with people that I trust and love for anything.”

Maddie scuffed a foot on the ground. 

“If I really don’t want him to come, for a different reason…”

“I’ll do it. You’re not going alone.”

“Buck, I’d never ask you to go back there,” Maddie protested, putting out a hand to rest on her brother’s arm.

“I’d do it for you… but I’m not sure that’s what you need. Maybe you need to bring your future along to confront your past?”

“What is this? Back to the Future?”

“What?” Buck was definitely confused now. 

“It’s a movie; Chim and I watched it awhile back.”

“Sure, if that helps, then yeah, this is Back to the Future. Just… talk to him, Maddie.”

“Why is it that you’re so good with other people’s relationships…” Maddie started when Buck cut her off “And not my own? He shrugged “Just unlucky I guess.”

“I don’t think that’s true, Buck,” Maddie looked up at him, then over his shoulder, noticing Eddie having come out to check on them “I’ll go talk to Chim. You go talk to your man.” She shoved at him, lightly, which did nothing because he was basically all muscle and rainbows. 

“My…?” Buck turned, noticing Eddie too and he blushed; he couldn’t seem to stop blushing around Eddie lately “Stop, Maddie. He’s my best friend.”

“Yeah, Buck, he is.” Maddie hopped up to press a kiss to his cheek and then made her way over to Chim’s car, rapping on the passenger side window. Another moment and she opened the door, settling into the seat, closing the door behind her. 

Buck watched for another moment, but then made his way over to the doors, to Eddie. “Sorry,” but Eddie was already waving away his apology.

“She’s welcome to eat with us too,” Eddie said, casually “She’s your family.”

“Uh, yeah she is…”

“Which makes her mine too,” Eddie stepped up to Buck, putting his hand on the small of Buck’s back and pressing him forward, gently “Come on. You were right, Athena and Bobby were already here.”

The sound of conversation and the clink of dinnerware was muted as Eddie guided Buck to their table, talking about how Athena had already decided that one of her afternoons off was going to be spent at the firing range with Eddie’s buddies. Buck was listening, he really was, but Eddie’s hand on his back felt like a brand and then there was the comment, about him being family. Buck felt like he was walking on air, because family, that was serious business to Eddie and Chris, he knew it. It was serious to him too. And, no matter what jokes Maddie cracked, he’d be more than happy to be family with Eddie, forever, however he could be. This was what he’d wanted right? Family? 

So, why did the word feel just a bit hollow as it reverberated around in his brain? Buck didn’t have time to dwell on what he wanted being family with Eddie Diaz to mean, because they were at the table and as he smiled at everyone, he thought maybe this could be enough for him. 

Sometimes a little was worth more than everything, it was all about quality, not quantity after all. 

He settled into the chair Eddie gently pushed him toward, just to the left of him and flipped over a menu. Noticing it was the drinks list, he put it down and picked up the one under it. 

“Blood thinners, right? Side effects suck.” Greg asked, nodding at Buck’s rejection of the drinks list.

Buck could feel Bobby’s eyes snap to him and he felt Eddie aim a kick at his friend who was sitting across the table from them. He just shook his head, taking a casual sip of his water “Yeah, they do, but I’ve been off them for a couple of months now. Still, occasionally bruise like a peach though.” He made sure not to look a Bobby or Eddie as they processed this news. 

“I had to take them for a bit, made training recruits difficult.”

“I’m sure,” Buck replied, “None of them want to be responsible for killing their CO.”

“Something like that,” chuckled Greg. 

“Yeah, sparring on them’s not ideal.”

“Neither is sparring using pointy objects,” interjected Hen, who was examining Buck with a curious face. 

Buck knew she was thinking of when she and Chim had seen him and Steve sparring. 

“Good thing I don’t use the real thing when training then, eh, Hen?”

“Those were…”

“Shiny dummies. I’m not looking for Athena to arrest me for carrying butterfly knives that are above the legal length,” he winked at Athena who tried to look stern, but only looked amused. 

“Good thinking, Buckaroo. I’d hate to book you,” she put down her menu, a musing look on her face “Although I bet you’d have a pretty mugshot.”

Buck laughed out loud at her comment as did the rest of table. Bobby was still watching Buck, but at a brief touch from Athena he returned to his menu. 

A few minutes before they ordered, trading casual stories around the table for the most part, Chim appeared. He smiled at Buck, mouthing “Thank you.” Buck nodded back as Chim took a seat next to Hen.

“I’m putting in for a few days of vacation at the end of the month, Bobby. Heading out of town for a couple of days.”

Bobby looked curious but didn’t press. “Have the paperwork request in my inbox by end of day tomorrow.”

“Maddie didn’t want to stay?” Hen asked Chim.

“She decided to go out with some of the people from dispatch, Josh and the rest of them.”

“So, Chim, how’d you get your nickname?” Will asked.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve heard that one yet either.” Eddie remarked, turning to his friend as Buck, Hen, and Bobby all chuckled. 

“I’m not telling this one,” Buck put up his hands and Bobby did the same. 

“Oh, I’ll gladly take this one,” Hen told the table while Chim cringed next to her, but he was smiling. 

At the end of that tale, Cal jumped in with a story about when he, Eddie, Greg, and Will had landed in Afghanistan a superior officer had tried to convince them that they needed to learn how to navigate the base in the dark using… “Echo location!” 

Eddie groaned, hiding his face him his hands as he remembered that first week when they’d all been practicing squeaking in an attempt to navigate until someone had reprimanded them for making too much noise at night. 

Buck was shaking from laughter and eventually he ended up pressed against Eddie’s side, which made Eddie leave the darkness of his hands and throw an arm, as casually as possible over the back of Buck’s chair. Athena fixed Eddie with a pointed look, telling him he was fooling no one. He didn’t respond to her look, he just jumped in with another story about Greg and Will scraping one of their base jeeps and trying to repaint it (in the middle of the night) with what turned out to not be paint, but glue and varnish, which sealed the jeep’s doors shut, just in time for a visit from Command. 

The whole meal was full of stories like that, ones that offered the 118 and Athena a new side of Eddie, one he hadn’t been able to show them yet. And all through it, Buck was at his side, laughing, smiling, and joking, the emotions on his face genuine. It made Eddie feel like everything was falling into place. 

When the end of the meal came, everyone was relaxed, full, and content, and the server cleared away their food. Buck moved away from Eddie for the first time that night, excusing himself, heading to the bathroom and bumping into their server on the way. 

He ran into Chim on his way out of the bathroom, and Chim mentioned that he thought Maddie might like the restaurant. Buck agreed “I’m glad you two talked things out, Chim.”

“Thanks to you,” Chim clapped him on the shoulder. 

“You guys did the work, I just put you in the same place,” Buck responded. 

Buck returned to the table in the middle of Will telling a story about the puppy rescue he volunteered at on off days. Buck perked up at the mention of dogs, which of course caused Hen to tell Eddie’s friends that the 118 had never seen the need to have a firehouse dog when Buck was around. Buck had taken the jab lightheartedly, winking at her, sending a bark her way. 

Their server dropped by again, refilling everyone’s drinks again before passing a bill holder to Eddie, which he flipped open, then promptly dropped. 

“Eds?” Buck’s voice was concerned.

“Someone paid for us,” he raised his voice “All of us.”

“What?” Athena asked, surprise colouring her voice. 

“Yeah,” Eddie was looking at the note their server had scrawled on their bill “Looks like someone recognized us from a rescue.”

“Damn, maybe being a first responder does pay off,” joked Will, then he smiled “That’s really sweet man.”

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, Diaz,” Greg said, nudging Eddie with his foot. 

Eddie was just overwhelmed; he couldn’t help smiling. 

“You know, they say LA’s a cold town, but then something like this happens,” Chim commented having arrived back just in time. 

“Good end to the night, eh?” Hen commented, “Chim, you still my ride?”

“Totally, Hen,” he pushed away from the table, “It was really great to have dinner with you guys. Don’t be strangers while you’re in town.”

Bobby and Athena got up to take their leave too, exchanging goodbyes with the guys; Athena extracting a promise from them to join her at the range in a few days. Soon, it was just Eddie, Buck, and the guys, who all moved to the bar for another drink or two, although Buck stuck to water. As it neared eleven o’clock, Buck could tell that Eddie didn’t want the night to end, so he asked after what the guys had planned for the rest of the night. After answering that they had nothing in particular in mind, Buck commented “Well, neither does Eddie,” which earned him an impressed look from Eddie. 

“Do you?” Eddie turned the question around on Buck, who shrugged. 

“I’m driving you home, aren’t I?”

“And then?” Eddie pressed, while his friends kept exchanging glances with each other as if to say ‘Can you believe them?’ 

Buck shrugged. 

“Come back to mine,” Buck suggested, turning to look at the table at large, “I’ve got space for everyone if y’all want to crash too.”

“Seriously?” Eddie who’d only had two, okay maybe more than three beers, wasn’t sure he’d heard Buck correctly. 

“Yeah, well, some of them are couches, but…” he titled his head.

“Yes!”

“Totally!”

“Absolutely!” 

Each of Eddie’s friends responded immediately and enthusiastically, the grins on their faces spelled trouble for Eddie he knew, but something in him wanted his friends to see him in Buck’s home. To show them why he was working toward his future slowly, because it was everything he could ever wish for. 

“Yeah, why not?” he ruffled Buck’s hair playfully and then stood up, pulling Buck to his feet. As Buck walked with Eddie to the door, Eddie murmured “Are you sure?”

“Family, right?” Buck replied. 

“You’re family,” Eddie agreed, nodding into Buck’s shoulder nudging it with his head but as he grinned up at Buck he saw that the man’s smile wasn’t quite reaching his eyes. “Buck, what?” but before he could finish asking his question Will drew level with them, slightly more sober than Eddie, Cal, and Greg. “You got room for all of us, Buck?”

Buck smiled, again, it wasn’t reaching his eyes and Eddie wanted to know why, but Will was there. “Eddie brought his truck, should fit us. Which reminds me,” as they exited out into the parking lot, Buck squeezed Eddie’s shoulder lightly, “keys, Eds? I need your keys.”

“They’re in my pocket,” Eddie replied, the other guys catching up to them at the truck, Cal nudging Greg, both of them bursting into fits of quiet laughter. 

“Okay,” Buck replied, speaking slowly to Eddie “and I need them. May I please have them?” He rested Eddie against the truck and the man gazed up at Buck, shaking his head, with a small smile on his face. 

“Eddie,” Buck’s voice was stern now, and Greg went “Ooo, someone’s in trouble.” Cal giggled. 

“Why did I agree to this?” Buck muttered, trying to figure out which pocket Eddie’s keys were in, trying once more “Eddie, please.”

Will glared at Eddie “Diaz, keys, now.”

Eddie glared back at Will, hand moving over his jacket pocket, which was when Buck made his move, stepping closer and pulling Eddie’s jacket pocket toward him to fish out the keys. He was so thankful that the keys hadn’t been in Eddie’s pants. 

He pulled Eddie over to the passenger side, helping him up onto the seat, while Will helped out with Cal and Greg. 

Eddie turned on the radio, turning it up loud, clapping his hands and Buck couldn’t help but take a moment to admire how free Eddie looked at that moment. It made his heart flutter, then he remembered, they were family. 

Family, nothing else.

Heart a bit heavy, he backed the truck up and started to drive home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The echo location story is from quora
> 
> https://www.quora.com/What-are-some-pranks-those-who-have-been-in-military-service-have-pulled-on-their-buddies-when-deployed-or-on-base-What-shenanigans-have-they-gotten-into-to-pass-the-time-This-is-for-anecdotal-research


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelations take place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I had conversations earmarked for this chapter and then my plot just ran away, so I didn't anticipate this happening in this chapter, but it did! Enjoy!
> 
> I do not own 9-1-1 or its characters. 
> 
> I listened to 'Be Kind' by Halsey and Marshmello while revising.

Buck didn’t regret asking Eddie’s friends over, not exactly, he was just on edge for no reason. He didn’t have secrets anymore, so there was no reason he should feel like this, guilty. But as he showed Greg to his second guest room, Cal already asleep in the other, Will asleep on the couch downstairs, Bucky couldn’t shake this cloud hanging over him. Warm arms wrapped around his waist from behind and he knew part of the reason he wasn’t thinking straight was the way Eddie had plastered himself to his side since they’d gotten back to his place.

Slowly, Buck tried to extricate himself from Eddie, although he wanted nothing more than to sag back into the other man’s arms. Eddie was drunk, still speaking sentences which had made for an entertaining evening, but Buck knew he needed to get his friend into a bed. 

“Come on, Eds,” he walked slowly, with Eddie attached to him, down the hall, pausing for a second then opened the door to his own room “Come on, Eddie. Time to get some sleep.” Buck reached down to unwind Eddie’s arms from his waist, but that only resulted in Eddie gripping Buck’s hand tightly, smiling brightly. 

“Sleep is important,” Eddie replied, tugging Buck with him as he made his unsteady way to the bed. Buck tried to delicately release his hand from Eddie’s grip, but the other man only squeezed a bit tighter. Eddie only had to take a few steps to reach the bed and then he used his free hand to poke at the sheets on the bed. He turned his head to look at Buck, confusion knitting his brows, and Buck thought it wasn’t fair how adorable a man like Eddie Diaz could look. “Mattress?” Eddie asked.

Buck nodded “Yes, there’s a mattress, Eddie.” 

“Used?”

“I bought it new!” Buck exclaimed and Eddie huffed, grabbing for Buck’s other hand, bringing them to his chest, holding them there. 

“Are you using it?” The words were said slowly, like it was taking Eddie’s brain a minute to get on board with his line of questioning. 

“Eddie, I really don’t think we need to have this conversation tonight,” Buck made to tug his hands back, not liking how closely Eddie was watching him, because drunk or not, there was no way Eddie didn’t want something from Buck right now. And Buck couldn’t give him the answers he wanted, because he hadn’t been able to bring himself to sleep on his new mattress yet, although buying it had felt like a big step at the time. 

“Sleep is important,” Eddie repeated his earlier words, echoing himself from the morning after Buck’s big reveal night. Eddie tugged on Buck’s hands, causing Buck to step closer to him. “I worry.”

And Buck couldn’t do this right now, he couldn’t deal with Eddie’s concern and his brown eyes that seemed to see right through him. 

“Eddie, you’re drunk and tired,” Buck replied, looking everywhere but at his friend’s face, “So, I’m going to get you some clothes” he tugged his hands away from Eddie’s, a bit more forcefully than before, missing the surprise and frustration on Eddie’s face as he turned away “and you’re going to sleep this night off.”

Buck felt off kilter as he searched through his drawers, aware of Eddie’s eyes following him around the room. He finally located a shirt and his… no, Eddie’s sweats that he’d temporarily misappropriated he didn’t know when and shoved them into Eddie’s hands before pushing his friend into the bathroom to change. Quickly, Buck stripped and changed too, waiting for Eddie to emerge from the bathroom before he shepherded his best friend to bed. Whatever fight Eddie had had in him earlier seemed to have evaporated until after Buck tucked him in, and one of Eddie’s hands darted out, catching on his arm, whispering two words “Stay, please.”

Eddie’s tone was so quiet and unsure that it made Buck’s heartache. He actually reached up to rub his chest in an attempt to relieve the pang of grief and guilt he felt. He couldn’t refuse Eddie this, he didn’t want to refuse Eddie this, and if Buck was honest with himself as he lay down next to his friend, on top of the covers, he wanted to be here just as much as drunk Eddie seemed to want him there. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

The desert was hot. Too hot. Even LA’s sun did not compare. It beat down on all of them as they waited, crouching in position, guns ready to fire, waiting, waiting, until… a shot, a scream, and chaos descended upon them. 

He was running. Running into the hail of bullets, running to the man on the ground. The man wasn’t screaming but he was clutching his leg, teeth gritted, blood trickling out of his mouth and he could only assume the injured man had bit his tongue. As he reached out to move the man’s helmet out of the way and to adjust his own to combat the glare of the sun he looked down again to see his hands soaked in blood. “Hold on!” He cried out, to the man, looking up to see who it was “Buck!”

Eddie scrambled up in bed, gulping in air, trying to figure out where he was and what was going on “Eddie?”

That was Buck’s voice, a bit deeper than usual, almost sleepy and Eddie’s head snapped to him, making out the outline of Buck in the dim light of a lamp that had been turned on. He was safe. Buck was here. Buck wasn’t going to leave him. Buck wasn’t dying. 

“Eddie, can you hear me?”

Eddie nodded. 

“Okay, that’s good. Eddie can you take my hand?” 

Eddie ignored the hand outstretched toward him and instead almost launched himself at Buck, tucking the other man into a fierce hug. He needed to feel that Buck was indeed alive and well. That his heart was beating. As Eddie pulled Buck closer, he could feel his own heart hammering in his chest, but he could feel Buck’s too. 

Buck smoothed warm hands over Eddie’s shoulders, murmuring quiet words that were like a balm to Eddie’s mind which was still careening between his dream and his reality. He wasn’t sure how long he clung to Buck and he didn’t care. Eddie just focused on his breathing and being alive, with Buck. Eventually, though he pulled back, not all the way, but just enough that he could see Buck’s face, which was a map of concern and care, but not pity, for which Eddie was grateful. 

“You’re in a bed,” Eddie said, softly, shakily.

“Eddie,” Buck whispered, but Eddie kept talking “I don’t get them as often as you, but I guess tonight was a lot of memories.”

“You went through hell,” Buck replied, hands having dropped from Eddie’s back when he’d pulled back to rest comfortably like anchors, on Eddie’s waist “This isn’t a competition of tragedy,” Buck told him, fingers pressing lightly down on Eddie’s body, as if trying to press his words into Eddie’s very skin. 

“I’m not drunk anymore,” Eddie murmured. 

“No, I’d guess not,” Buck responded, on of his thumb’s rubbing calming circles onto Eddie’s stomach as he waited for Eddie to tell him what he needed from him. 

“So, can we have that conversation now?”

Buck’s thumb stilled, then kept going. “What conversation Eddie?” He didn’t follow Eddie’s line of thought, but if Eddie didn’t want to talk about his nightmare then he wouldn’t push him on it, yet. 

“Why you were so sad at the end of tonight?”

Buck’s hands froze again and then he made to withdraw his warmth from Eddie’s body, but the other man wouldn’t have any of it. He clasped his own hands over Buck’s, holding them on him. 

“All I can remember is calling you family, Buck. Does that really make you so upset?” Eddie was forcing the words out, because he had to know, before he went any further. He’d thought he and Buck might be on the same page but maybe everyone was wrong. “I know we’re not the family you want. I know they’re gone. I know you didn’t trust us with them, and I get it, we weren’t worthy of knowing, I wasn’t good enough” Eddie’s eyes were wet, and he bowed his head, letting his guard down. He felt Buck wrestle his hands from Eddie’s waist and Eddie bit back a sob. He was the one who had done it this time. He’d broken everything and he wasn’t surprised, but then warm hands were cradling his face, tilting it up. 

Buck felt the ground tilt out from underneath him as his best friend fell apart in front of him. This wasn’t Eddie after a bad call, or Eddie worried about Chris, or even Eddie after a nightmare, all of which he had experience with, even if that last one was a recent addition. Eddie was saying things and each one landed like a punch to Buck’s gut. He pulled his hands from Eddie’s waist, reaching up to gently cup Eddie’s face. Eddie looked like he was fighting back tears and that made Buck ache with a need to fix it, fix things, because he hadn’t known, and he hadn’t thought about the impact of hiding himself from his friends. 

It had become second nature to him in the Academy and it was just easier afterward to keep his mask up. To be surface level Buck, because he didn’t trust easily, and he didn’t want to rebuild after everything. He’d been the Buck he thought everyone would like, but this wasn’t the time for him get bogged down in his emotions. Eddie was his priority.

He moved his hands from Eddie’s face to rest on the man’s shoulders as he leaned forward, gently touching his forehead to Eddie’s before pulling back, just a few inches “Eddie, you are worth everything,” and as Eddie began to shake his head, refusing Buck’s words, Buck moved one hand to the back of Eddie’s neck, keeping his head up “You are enough, more than enough. Do you hear me?” 

“But why? Why?” were the only words Eddie found he could croak out, unsure of what exactly was happening, but Buck was still here, near him. That had to be a good thing, right? Unless this was Buck’s way of letting him down easy. Another sob bubbled up and he couldn’t catch this one. 

Buck closed his eyes tightly. This wasn’t how he’d ever imagined doing this, talking about this, but he should’ve known, that he and Eddie never did things normally. 

“Because being family to you means something else to you than it does to me. Because I want it to mean something else,” Buck said firmly, softly, but he wouldn’t look away from Eddie, because the other man deserved his full attention right now. 

“What does it mean to you, Buck?” Eddie’s voice shook, but his gaze didn’t waver from Buck’s. A spark of hope in his chest, as he watched Buck turn words over in his mind, as he watched Buck seem to brace himself for something, “Buck? Please,” he whispered.

“I want a family, like you and Chris.”

“You have one,” Eddie breathed out, the hope growing in him. Maybe he’d missed all of the signs.

“No, Eddie, I don’t, because… because…” his words were leaving him and Buck wanted to look away, to escape this conversation, because this could be the end, but he couldn’t leave now “because some day you’re going to find someone to fill that spot in your family, the one I’ve been lucky enough to stand in for a few years, and you’ll see, I’m not family like I want to be.” 

“You’re not standing in for anyone, Buck,” Eddie murmured, feeling more on solid ground the more Buck spoke. Now, it was Eddie’s turn to lean toward his best friend, to touch their foreheads together; he wanted to be as close as possible as he spoke his next words “No one could compare to you. I could never love anyone else the way I love you.”

Buck couldn’t believe what Eddie had just said. It couldn’t be true. He couldn’t be serious. He had to be trying to make him feel better. 

“Why, why would you say that?” Buck’s voice was strangled as he made to pull away now, but Eddie kept him in place. 

“Because that’s what I mean when I call you family, Buck. I want you with me, with Chris, by our sides, forever.” Buck felt like a puppet whose strings had been cut as Eddie pulled him forward, he sagged against Eddie, his forehead now on the other man’s shoulder. He couldn’t believe it, except… he wanted to believe it, so badly. He moved back, he had to see Eddie’s face for this to feel real. 

Brown eyes met blue, and they stared at each other for a long moment. 

“You’re everything to me, Eddie. You and Chris. But are you sure?”

“I’ve never been surer of anything in my whole life.” Eddie ran a hand gently over Buck’s hair, eventually coming to cup Buck’s cheek “So, when I call you family, that’s what I mean. Does that help?” And now, Eddie was shy, a blush dusting his cheeks “But you haven’t told me what it means to you yet. Don’t leave me hanging, Buck.” He shot Buck a nervous smile and he could pinpoint the moment he saw it, what everyone else had been seeing. Buck’s eyes seemed to soften, filling with what could only be love, like the love Eddie was talking about. 

Buck reached out to grab one of Eddie’s hands, then interlaced their fingers “I started falling for you the moment I met you and I never stopped, until today,” he brought their intertwined hands up to his mouth, pressing a light kiss to the back of Eddie’s hand “now, I think I’m finally on solid ground, because you love me” his eyes sparkled as he said it “and I love you.” 

It felt freeing to say the words. 

Eddie just looked at Buck, a bit of awe in his gaze. 

Buck pressed another kiss to the back of Eddie’s hand because now he could. Right?

“Where does this leave us?” Buck murmured, fear creeping into his voice. 

“Right now? Awake at 4am,” Eddie quipped, tugging their connected hands, bringing Buck closer to him. 

“Eddie?” Buck’s voice was shaky, but Eddie shushed him, reaching over to turn off the lamp, reveling in the fact that he could freely clamber over Buck now. Wasn’t that an interesting development?”

“It means, we sleep,” Eddie settled back down onto the bed, pulling Buck’s head down to rest on his chest, “It means we talk again in the morning, and the day after that. It means I’m not letting you go, Buck. Okay?”

Buck turned into Eddie’s warmth, curling up in the arms of the man he loved. 

“Love you, Eds.” He pressed a light kiss to Eddie’s chest, hidden by his t-shirt. Eddie moved, just a moment, his face suddenly so close to Buck’s, then he pressed a kiss to Buck’s forehead. 

“Love you too, Buck.”

And both men slept soundly, curled up with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments mean a lot to me and I read every single one, sometimes over and over. Thank you for reading and sticking with me :D 
> 
> Yes, McDanno will be back in person eventually, although a few more things have to happen first.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some buddie. Some fluff. A flashback with hot chocolate. Some more sleep to be had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!
> 
> I do not own 9-1-1 or its characters. 
> 
> *Hey, you know what you should do? Donate to a bail fund. https://www.communityjusticeexchange.org/nbfn-directory 
> 
> **I know 9-1-1 focuses mainly on our firefam, but it involves the police too, hence the call to donate to bail funds.

Eddie woke up before Buck. He could hardly believe what had happened just a couple of hours ago. 

Buck loved him. Buck loved him. Buck loved him. 

The words circled in his mind, each reminder making his heart feel lighter. 

Buck. Loved. Him.

He could hardly believe his luck. Slowly, carefully, he petted Buck’s hair, focusing on its softness and the rhythm of Buck’s breathing. He got to have this now… and he couldn’t believe it. He had almost missed out on all of this as he thought back to what Buck had said the night before, as he’d talked about taking up room in Eddie’s life like he didn’t belong there. Eddie’s hand stilled, just heavy and warm on top of Buck’s head as he looked down at the love of his life. He would do whatever he could to remind Buck that he would always have a place with him and Chris. 

But while Eddie was basking in the early morning and thinking about his future with Buck, the man in question was trying not to panic. Buck had woken up to the feeling of someone petting his hair and only training kept him from freaking out. He kept his breathing even, realizing he had been sleeping on someone and that someone was Eddie. He remembered the night before, his confession, Eddie’s too, and he knew, logically, that should have been enough to calm him down, but he couldn’t help thinking that it still might be a joke, or a desperate move motivated by pity or even just confusion. Buck had been there, maybe that’s all it had been. 

If it had all been a show, no, Buck couldn’t deal with that right now. His breathing hitched then, and Eddie’s palm moved from Buck’s head to slide down his neck, fingers moving to tilt Buck’s head back. “Morning,” Eddie murmured, sleepily, happily, before his eyes took in the look on Buck’s face. 

“Buck?” he murmured concern coming through as Buck pulled out of his hold, moving to roll away from Eddie. But that wasn’t about to happen, as Buck moved away from Eddie the former army medic moved too, rolling over to situate himself over Buck, thighs on either side of Buck’s body, staring down at the other man who looked surprised. “I’ve never been surer of anything in my whole life,” Eddie said and his words from the night before seemed to register with Buck after a second, “You’re thinking too hard about this, about us.”

“Us?” 

“Yes, us, Buck. I want there to be an ‘us.’ Do you?” Eddie settled himself on Buck’s chest, letting his weight drop and anchor Buck to the bed. He wanted to have this conversation now. He’d already wasted so much time. 

Buck’s hands automatically went to Eddie’s thighs as the other man settled. His hands rubbed soothing circles unconsciously where they rested as he forced himself to actually take stock of the situation. 

“Yes.” Buck’s reply didn’t shock either of them, but it was a nice confirmation for Eddie. 

“But…?” Eddie wasn’t being pushy, but he wanted to know what was going on in Buck’s head. He reached out to trace nonsensical patterns over Buck’s chest, waiting patiently. Eddie was going to take every chance he had to touch Buck now that he could, especially since the more his fingers traced over Buck’s body the more the other man seemed to relax. 

“You’ve got to sure, Eds. I couldn’t… I can’t…” 

“I am sure,” Eddie replied, keeping his voice soft, soothing, because he could tell already that this would not be the last conversation he had with Buck about being sure of his intentions “I had plans you know, to tell you, people I had to talk to first… but I couldn’t let you go to bed without you knowing, not when you were so upset.”

“Sorry,” Buck murmured, but Eddie waved away the words. 

“Don’t be sorry, Buck, please. You’ve got so much emotion and you feel so deeply,” he smiled down at Buck, bringing the other man’s eyes back to his by lighting tapping the tip of Buck’s nose “It’s one of the many things I love about you.”

“I wasn’t going to leave; I just thought you might need some space,” Buck replied, blushing under Eddie’s scrutinizing gaze “Plus, your friends…”

“Thought we were together for a while apparently,” Eddie interjected “and I don’t want to hide.” He paused “As long as you’re okay with that?”

“With telling them we’re together?” Buck asked.

“That you’re mine and I’m yours,” Eddie nodded in response.

Buck’s eyes were suddenly watery but then he smiled, and he reached up to pull Eddie down. Buck arced up slightly, pressing a kiss to Eddie’s forehead, then his cheeks, then he paused, breathing having picked up for both of them. 

“I want this to go at our pace,” Eddie breathed out, relishing just being close to Buck, “We can go slow, baby. Just never doubt that I want you, all of you,” and then Buck’s lips met his. The kiss was sweet, chaste, and intimate. There were no fireworks, just a calmness that came over both of them. It felt right. 

“Slow,” murmured Buck as he pulled away, Eddie leaning in to chase after his lips. 

“Slow,” Eddie replied, a smile that could rival the sun on his face. 

9-1-1/9-1-1/9-1-1/9-1-1

Eddie was reluctant to let Buck go after that, moving to lay beside his best friend, his boyfriend, his partner… Yes, Eddie decided he liked that term the best. Buck was going to be his partner in everything. Despite their height differences, Buck willingly tucked himself in Eddie’s arms and they lay together for a bit, just breathing, listening to their hearts beat. 

Their calm was shattered too quickly though, by a yelp and laughter from downstairs. 

Eddie groaned, knowing that in all likelihood Greg and Cal had converged on Will, attacking him with pillows. He should want to help his friend, but honestly, he thought he might just let the world burn if it meant he didn’t have to leave this moment with Buck. The only thing that could make it better would be Chris. Eddie chuckled softly thinking of how happy his son would be with him. Finally, a win, for the Diaz family. 

“Don’t you think we should help him?” Buck murmured, absently.

“Nah,” Eddie replied, ruffling Buck’s hair again, just to see the smile it brought to Buck’s face.

“What happened to no man left behind?” Buck joked.

“Yeah, well, if I know Will, that” another yelp and more thumping, Buck had bought sturdy pillows, “is retaliation for something else.”

“Still… we have to face them sometime,” Buck replied, fingers almost unconsciously tightening their grip on Eddie’s shirt. 

“You mean I get to endure teasing, and you get to laugh at me,” Eddie corrected him, pressing one more kiss to Buck’s head before the other man moved to sit up. “Seriously, they already love you. I promise.”

Those words caught Buck’s attention. He nodded, smiling, then he actually got off of the bed, walking around to Eddie’s side and holding out a hand “Ready?” Another thump sounded downstairs and Eddie let out an overexaggerated sigh. He took Buck’s offered hand, pulling himself out of the bed. “Ready.”

As Buck walked downstairs, Eddie right behind him, his mind whirred through the possible outcomes of this situation but as they arrived on the ground floor, those worries and thoughts flew out of his mind. Will had taken out one of couch cushions and was using it as a semi-decent shield to both avoid pillow thwacks and to deliver some of his own blows. 

Eddie moved to wrap an arm around Buck’s waist, feeling the other man lean into it and made a mental note to hug and cuddle the shit out of Buck as much as possible. He looked at his friends, fondly exasperated, then let loose with a loud, piercing whistle which directed their attention to him. “Does this look like your house?” Eddie asked all of them, his tone bordering on disappointed dad, but after a split second of panic all three of his friends grinned at them, dropping their pillows. Greg wolf whistled at the pair of them, smirking.

“Nooo,” Cal called out, “but looks like it might yours soon, GI.”

Eddie blushed, but he fought his instinct to separate from Buck and laugh it off. He had told Buck he was serious, which meant being real with the people close to him. 

“Just put Buck’s couch back together,” Eddie snarked back, but his words were playful and without any real heat. 

Will followed Eddie’s directions, shoving Cal to follow suit, after throwing the couple a wink. 

“Come on,” Eddie steered a slightly stunned and lightly blushing Buck to the kitchen “I’ll start the coffee while they figure out where they want to go for breakfast.” He finally detached himself from Buck to move over and examine the coffee machine. 

“Or I could make it,” Buck’s voice wasn’t hesitant exactly, but it was quiet. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Buck cut Eddie off. 

“I want to, they’re your family, which makes them mine too.” Buck spoke with conviction, but Eddie could see the doubt lingering around him, like an aura, so he moved purposefully back into his partner’s space. 

“I guess our family just gained a few members, on both sides, huh?” 

“Yeah,” Buck’s smile was brighter and surer now. Eddie put up a hand, tracing Buck’s jaw with his thumb and Buck tilted his head, like a moth to a flame, kissing Eddie again. Just softly and reassuringly.

“We get it. You’re adorable.” Greg’s voice broke them apart, Buck blushing just aa bit more, while Eddie fixed his friend with an unimpressed look, which Will mirrored, lightly smacking Greg upside the head as he walked by, into the kitchen. 

“So, breakfast…”

“I’ll take care of it,” Buck spoke, his voice a normal volume and tone now, cheeks still pink. Eddie had done that. Eddie smiled back at him. 

“Seriously?” Greg muttered, earning flick to the back of the head from Cal who had now appeared. “What? They’re cute and shit, but I need coffee and food.”

Buck pulled open the fridge, extracting a tray.

“Triangles?” Will asked, curiously looking at it.

“Croissants,” Buck corrected him, preheating the oven and resting the tray on top while he waited. 

“You can all eat ham?” Buck asked, glancing over at Eddie by the coffee maker as he turned to his fridge again. 

“Yup,” that was Cal, who appeared at Buck’s elbow, grabbing first a carton of eggs that Buck had and then the ham and cheese the other man had pulled out. “What do you need?” Buck looked at Cal a bit hesitantly, but the other man just grinned.

“Hey, I learned after week 1 to never let Diaz near the kitchen,” Eddie made a noise of offense, but Cal carried on, “I can do basic prep though.”

Buck directed him to a cutting board and knife, asking for thin slices of both the ham and cheese.

“He cooks too?! Seriously, man, I guess we know you’re just the trophy boyfriend now,” Greg’s comment was playful, and Eddie only stuck his tongue out at his friend, an uncharacteristically childish move that made the other guys laugh, except for Buck. 

“Eddie’s got a lot of other things going for him,” Buck’s voice was still light, but there was the hint of an edge to it. Greg chuckled, watching Eddie duck his head in the face of Buck’s compliment, while he Buck’s eyes squarely. 

“Touché, brother. Glad someone else realizes it too.” They held each other’s gazes for a minute, but then the oven beeped and any sort of lingering tension in the kitchen evaporated. 

They began to chat. Eddie’s friends officially congratulating them on getting together, not pushing for details, but just being genuinely happy for them. They did tease Eddie, a bit, but everything was good-natured and it made Eddie laugh, which made Buck smile, sappily at him every chance he got between baking the croissants and cooking up some sunny-side up eggs. About half an hour later, everyone had a cup of coffee or tea and a perfectly flaky croissant sliced open for layers of ham, cheese, and egg, and topped with the other half of the croissant, making for a delectable breakfast sandwich. 

Buck ate his food slowly and purposefully, but he wasn’t surprised to see others go back for seconds and thirds while he worked on his first. Thankfully, no one commented on it either, although Eddie hooked a foot around Buck’s ankle, just anchoring him a bit. It was sweet and subtle, well, subtle-ish. 

“So, Buck, couldn’t help but noticed you’ve got a basement. Is that the norm in LA?” Will commented. 

Eddie looked at Buck, surprised. They hadn’t seen a basement on the tour. 

“It’s a finished apartment, actually. Private entrance, the works. As for it being the norm, not really. When they built up the state after WWII, they did quick houses, so no basements. Sometimes, being below the water table is an issue, but I’m in the clear with mine.”

“So, rental property?” Cal queried.

Buck shrugged. “Something like that.”

“Keep your secrets then,” Will commented with a chuckle, leaning back in his chair. 

“Oh, I will,” Buck flashed him a grin.

Eddie shook his head at Buck’s antics, but he couldn’t help thinking about why Buck had bought a property with rental potential. Deciding to ask him later, he refocused on the conversation. About an hour later, the guys were talked out and tired, so they thanked Buck for his hospitality, wrapped Eddie up in hugs, and then did the same to a surprised but pleased Buck, and took an uber back to their hotel. 

Then, the house was quiet. Buck locked his door, suddenly nervous, but then Eddie was there as he turned around, wrapping his arms around him, hugging him close for a moment, then tugging Buck’s hand as he pulled him back into the kitchen. Pushing him, gently, to take a seat, Eddie started to load the dishwasher and run some warm water to wash the pan and tray Buck had cooked with. 

“Eds…”

But Eddie, just shook his head “You cooked, Buck. Let me do this, please?”

Buck nodded.

“They really do like you,” Eddie’s voice kept Buck from slipping back into the anxiety that seemed to simmer, ever present in his mind, “They’re right. That I’m lucky with you.”

“I’ll have you know, I win in Vegas more than the average, so I think if we’re comparing luck, I’ve got the upper hand.”

“Yeah, you think so? Then, what’s with all the near-death experiences?” Eddie queried, fixing Buck with a questioning look.

“Well, I’m not dead, yet am I?” Buck replied, smirking a bit

Eddie went quiet, pausing at the sink, then he turned back to Buck. “I know we work dangerous jobs. I know our day to day is never normal or guaranteed, but I want you to promise me, no matter what, you’ll fight to come back to me and Chris.” He didn’t realize his voice was shaking, or that his eyes were watery until Buck came into focus, right in front of him, cupping his cheeks, pressing kisses to his forehead, his eyelids, and finally, his lips, before he pulled back to speak. 

“I will always fight to come home to you, Eddie. You and Chris are my family. I promise.”

“Good,” was Eddie’s choked out reply, “I promise you the same, mind you.”

“Thank you,” Buck murmured, leaning in to kiss Eddie again. Because he could do that. He could kiss Eddie! He pulled back again, Eddie unconsciously chasing Buck’s lips. “Leave the stuff to soak.”

“It won’t take long,” Eddie replied, but let Buck tug him away from the kitchen, each of them scooping up their mugs in passing, as they wandered back into the living room, where Eddie decided he wanted to take charge a bit. He let go of Buck’s hand to settle onto the couch, gesturing at Buck to join him, placing his mug on the table nearest to him. Buck did the same, then tentatively sat down, and Eddie pulled him down, maneuvering Buck’s head to rest on his chest, much like it had that morning. He began to play with Buck’s hair again. 

“So, this your big play? Cuddles.” Eddie teased, but when Buck tensed just a fraction he soothed his partner, “I like it. I never really would’ve moved past the touch starvation after Afghanistan and Shannon without you. I’ll give you all the cuddles you could ever want for that alone, Buck.”

“Touch starvation sucks,” Buck mumbled, nuzzling Eddie a bit. 

Eddie smiled. He wasn’t sure he’d ever smiled so much, or laughed so much before, but he had Buck, here in his arms, and he was happy. Then a thought occurred to him, and his hand in Buck’s hair stilled, wondering when… or if Buck had stopped being touch starved. 

“Eds?” Buck made to get up, maybe to look Eddie in the eye, but Eddie’s hand resumed its petting, while pressing just a bit, asking Buck to silently stay put. Buck stayed. “You can ask. Ask me anything.”

“You were touch starved before… before your team.”

“That’s not a question.”

“Did it stop, with them?”

Buck thought about it. “Yeah. Rory and I…” his voice cracked but he kept talking “We both had our share of nightmares prior to joining, so we got into the habit of sleeping together. Just sleeping though,” he was quick to clarify.

“I’m not here to judge you, Buck. I’d be a shitty partner if I did.”

Buck opened his closed eyes, turning his head to better look at Eddie. “Partner?”

“I think we’re in for a longer haul than boyfriends might imply, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Buck looked a bit awed and Eddie swore to himself that he’d do whatever it took to bring that look to Buck’s face as often as possible. 

“So, Rory helped with the nightmares?” Eddie prodded, carefully, knowing that he didn’t like talking about his own nightmares, so he would respect Buck if he wanted to move on to another topic for the moment. 

Buck nodded, closing his eyes again, remembering. 

*Flashback*

It was two o’clock in the morning and Buck had a shaking Rory tucked into his side as they sat on the kitchen floor. The door to the house opened, then closed, and a light flicked on illuminating the duo. It was Felix and Nate. They’d only been a team for about a month and a half, and with only one relatively low-key mission under their belts there was still some uncertainty amongst some members. 

“Get out,” Buck said by way of greeting, “Now.”

Felix, ignoring him, looked concernedly at Rory. “Is she okay?”

“Obviously not,” Rory spat out and Buck relaxed his shoulders. She was feeling verbal again, which meant she was coming out of it. 

Felix flinched back, looking shamefaced. 

“Felix,” Nate’s voice came from the kitchen doorway, “Let’s leave them be.”

Rory’s next breath was shaky, rattling her frame as she came back to herself, but she shook her head at Nate, just bracing herself to stand. Buck stood with her, wincing a bit as he did. “Why’s it always the floor?”

“It grounds me, literally,” Rory told him, bumping Buck in the chest with her head, her voice decidedly less venomous than it had been a few moments before. She turned to look at Nate, then Felix, “Y’all want some hot chocolate?”

“What?” Felix replied.

Rolling her eyes, Rory looked at Nate, who nodded but didn’t move from his position in the doorway. 

Rory bustled off to the fridge, grabbing milk, cream, and a can of whipped cream as Buck pulled out a saucepan, powdered sugar and chocolate from the pantry. Felix and Nate watched in silence as Rory combined ingredients, stirring, simmering, and finally smiling, as Buck passed mugs over to her. Each one got a spurt of whipped cream and a pinch of chocolate shavings. 

Rory passed a mug to Felix, while Buck passed one to Nate, their fingers brushing gently as it happened. Buck stepped back, smiling shyly, and after making sure Rory had turned off the burner, sidled up next to his friend, bumping shoulders with her as her tongue swiped at the whipped cream. Buck chuckled at her antics, which caused her to swipe some cream with her finger and wipe it on his nose. 

He retaliated, by streaking her cheek with some cream, making her giggle. 

“What the hell?”

The laughter stopped. Felix and Nate were looking at them, confusedly, but the voice that had interrupted them was Jen’s.

“Where’s my cup?” Jen asked. 

Automatically, Rory set her own mug aside and poured out another mug for Jen, leaving off the whipped cream. 

“Thanks kid.” She ruffled Rory’s hair, patted Buck’s shoulder, then, after nodding at Felix and Nate took a seat at the kitchen table, pulling some files to her. 

“Come on,” Buck murmured, scooping up Rory’s mug, “Back to bed.”

Rory nodded, following Buck out. 

*End of Flashback*  
“What I didn’t know then, was that Jen had told Felix and Nate that Rory and I were sleeping together. She knew what she was doing. Took them awhile to figure out we weren’t together romantically,” Buck chuckled “but her hot chocolate and floor cuddles could combat almost any nightmare. Even after, when…” Buck paused.

“After you and Nate got together?” Eddie guessed, feeling Buck’s nod.

“Sometimes, we just needed each other. Nate and Felix had a system going with us. If we got up and left our room after a nightmare, that meant we wanted their comfort and spend the rest of the night with them. If we stayed in our room, we need to ride it out together.” Buck rolled his head a bit, as if trying to tuck himself closer “It was unconventional, but it worked.”

“It makes sense,” Eddie murmured “Someone can’t really be everything for you. That’s why we have family and friends.”

“She would’ve liked you,” Buck said, “After she would’ve threatened to dump your body in one of twelve locations stateside if you ever hurt me, she would’ve hugged you.”

“Twelve… stateside?”

“About twenty international spots too, that I know of,” Buck continued, not missing a beat “We were kind of a terrifying group, Eds.”

“You are pretty badass, Buck.”

Buck just shrugged. 

“Well, I guess we’re just both going to learn how to take compliments in this relationship,” responded Eddie, smoothing one hand over Buck’s shoulder only to have Buck reach up and lace the fingers of his right hand with Eddie’s left. 

“I suppose so,” Buck murmured, a bit sleepily.

“I know so,” Eddie responded, watching as Buck eventually fell into a doze and then he did too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed this, consider donating to one of these funds or promoting one of these organisations: https://nymag.com/strategist/article/where-to-donate-for-black-lives-matter.html


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buddie fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this isn't what I planned to come back with. I know it has been a long time and I am still invested in finishing out the plot for this story but y'all are going to have to bear with me. I'm in the weeds right now with life and everything's a bit of a mess. Updates will be sporadic at best until I wade out of all of this.

Buck woke up warm, but not uncomfortably so. Eddie’s arms were wrapped around him, securely, but not too tightly. It was heaven. Something Buck never thought he’d get. Eddie’s fingers were carding through his hair too, soothing him even as he pulled himself from his slumber. 

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty,” Eddie murmured, as Buck’s eyes opened.

Buck snorted, making Eddie grin. 

“Didn’t mean to fall asleep on you again,” Buck murmured, eyes flicking away from Eddie’s for a moment, obviously still anxious. 

“I’d rather you rest with me than alone,” Eddie admitted, tugging gently on a blonde curl, causing Buck to meet his eyes again, “I like to know you’re safe.”

“Never safer than with you,” murmured Buck, not even thinking as he said it. 

Eddie pressed a kiss to Buck’s forehead, just awed by this, by Buck and his love. 

“So, I’ve been thinking, and I can’t come up with an explanation that makes sense,” Eddie spoke in a low voice, even though no one was around; he liked the cocoon of quiet contentment they were in at the moment. 

“For what?” Buck asked, not sleepy anymore but just content to be held, to soak in the warmth and love from Eddie. 

“Your apartment, the one Will asked about, what’s it for?”

“Oh,” Buck blushed, and Eddie grinned, oh, Buck looked pretty flushed. He wasn’t going to let his partner escape the question though either.

“Yeah, oh... you didn’t show it to us when we came over, so what is it?”

Buck bit his lip, shrugging a bit in Eddie’s arms.

“Tell me, please?” Eddie wheedled, watching Buck’s reactions. If Buck pulled away or tensed in any way, he’d drop it, but Buck actually just sighed, tucking his head into the crook of Eddie’s neck, sighing again. The tickle of air passing over his neck made Eddie shiver, but he could tell Buck was actually thinking about how to tell him something, so he made a conscious effort to tone down his thoughts. Someday he’d feel Buck’s lips somewhere other than his neck, or his own lips, but this seemed important, another piece of the puzzle that was his boyfriend. 

“Buck?” he murmured. 

Buck sat up, still curled up close to Eddie, but in a way that let them look at each other. 

“It’s for May,” Buck admitted, then more words came tumbling out, “and maybe Gracie if she decides to go to school out here. When I was looking, May had mentioned not wanting to live in residence so I…” he trailed off, catching sight of Eddie’s face, and he bit his lip again. 

“Buck, that’s…”

“Silly and presumptuous, I know… I just…” Eddie grasped one of Buck’s hands then, cutting off the other man with a quick press of their lips together. 

“That’s so you, Buck. Thinking about all of us,” something dark and sad crossed Eddie’s eyes as he let go of Buck’s hand and moved instead to cup Buck’s face, “You’ve always been there, always had our backs. Hell, you’re anticipating our needs better than us; you’re amazing. You are absolutely and positively awesome.”

And the blush was back, but Buck had giggled at his pronouncement and Eddie just wanted to hear that sound for the rest of his life. It was too early to propose, right? Right. Yeah, totally. Too early. He had to get his head back in the game, but around Buck, everything was brighter, more colourful, and just plain better. 

Eddie frowned slightly, “Who’s Gracie?”

“Danny’s daughter,” Buck replied, “She’s looking at LA for school and I think she and May would get along famously.”

“You mean they’d own LA by the end of their degrees,” Eddie commented, drily. He could only imagine the spitfire that would be Danny Williams’ daughter. 

“I can neither confirm, nor deny.” Buck sent him a blinding grin, and Eddie used his hand that was still cupping his boyfriend’s face to pull him forward for a kiss. One turned into two, and two turned into a few. They were slow and soft and when Eddie pulled away the blissed out look on Buck’s face made him feel a tiny bit smug. Hell yeah, he put that look on his man’s face, on his Buck. Oh god, he could call Buck his now!

“Well, I won’t lie. It’d be good to re-meet Danny and Steve under better circumstances, I didn’t get around to talking to either of them prior to this,” Eddie gestured at the two of them, which caused Buck to cock his head in confusion, “Well, I talked to Maddie and Bobby, but I figured Steve deserved the chance to you know, bury me in a casket underground or whatever he might need to do before asking you out.”

“Burying someone in a casket is a lot of work,” Buck commented idly and Eddie snorted, “And it’s not the 1950s you know, the only person you need permission to date me is me,” he replied, a hint of snark in his tone. 

“Oh, I’m well aware,” Eddie replied, flicking Buck on the nose in fake exasperation but they were both grinning so much it just felt sweet and playful. Eddie’s grin faded into something more muted “But, I just… he’s important to you, which makes him important to me. He saved your life before, I’m sure and I just… I wanted to make things kosher with him.”

Buck hummed, in agreement. “I get that,” he didn’t offer any platitudes, because really, he had no idea how Steve was going to take this development, and even if Steve was good about it, he’d want to talk to Eddie on his own. “I appreciate that, it has been a long time since someone cared enough to do that for me,” Buck replied, “Thank you.”

“You never have to thank me for doing the minimum that you deserve,” Eddie told him, voice firm, holding Buck’s gaze, “You are not alone, Buck.”

“I know; I’ve got my family back now.”  
“I’ll be here to remind you when you forget that,” Eddie promised him, interlocking their hands.

“And I’ll be here to remind you’re enough, that you and Chris are more than enough for me, Eds.”

“Speaking of, I have to go pick him up… want to come with?”

“Is that even a question?” Buck moved off of the couch, Eddie moving almost in sync with him, “Wait, what do we tell Chris? Do we…?”

“Yes,” Eddie stated firmly, “He’ll be ecstatic, trust me.” He looked back up at Buck, “If you’re okay to tell him now?”

“Maybe ease him into it… we don’t want to…” Eddie could see Buck’s thoughts overwhelming him.

“Buck, he told me to tell you I love you soon, so that we didn’t lose you. He’s going to be so happy; you make him so happy. You make us so happy.” He pulled Buck into a loose hug, letting the taller man lean down and nuzzle his throat for a moment, seemingly just finding his footing. Eddie would gladly help ground Buck for the rest of his life if he could. 

“Okay.” Buck pulled back a big, more confident now. 

“Okay?”

“Okay,” Buck nodded, surer in tone and stance. 

“Let’s go get our kid,” Eddie murmured. He hadn’t even noticed he’d said it until Buck’s face went slack-jawed, “Buck?” Then Buck was kissing him and honestly, he wasn’t focusing on anything but that feeling of being consumed, cared for, and loved by Buck. 

“Chris,” Buck murmured when they parted, panting just a bit.

“Yeah,” Eddie was a bit breathless too, “Yeah, let’s go.”

They took every chance to stand in each other’s personal space as they made their way out of the house, into Eddie’s truck, and their hands interlocked the moment Eddie put his between the seats. They drove that way, the radio playing quietly, reveling in this moment, in the beginning of them and the rest of their lives.


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena and Buck have nightmares and share hot chocolate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1 or Hawaii Five-0.

Being loved by Eddie was a new experience for Buck. If he hadn’t been born craving closeness and affection, he might have felt overwhelmed, but instead Buck reveled in it. He felt blanketed by love, the rest of the world and its ugliness was dulled by the strength of Eddie and Christopher’s blatant love for him. He couldn’t miss the signs now, even if he tried.   
But love can’t fix everything. 

Case in point, Buck was up, again, at four o’clock in the morning pacing in his study, trying to outpace the memories coursing through his head. He could still taste it, the blood in his mouth, feel the sand on his knees, and see Nate’s body – life literally bleeding from him. Chris was at his Abuela’s, Eddie was on shift, and Buck was awake. 

He shouldn’t be awake. He had to be truly awake in a few hours anyways. He had promised to give Athena a lift to the gun range that afternoon where Eddie and his friends would join them. And now, with everything between them having changed, Eddie would know he’d been up --- Eddie would know and he would want to fix it. 

But Buck didn’t want to be fixed. He wasn’t a broken toy that needed to be repainted or glued back together. He appreciated Eddie’s care, but even with therapy doing wonders for the older Diaz they were still different people. Their needs were different. 

If Steve was closer, he’d call him for a sparring match, but well, there wasn’t anyone Buck knew in the city that he’d trust himself to go even a round with. And he wasn’t touching street fighting again, ever. 

He contemplated going running, but his leg ached at the thought and he nixed it quickly. He had to be able to walk upright later on and if he limped, Eddie and Athena would panic. Buck drew in a deep breath, trying and failing to dispel the feeling of heat surrounding him from his dream. Why he chose to come live in California is beyond him.

A buzzing sound broke through his thoughts and on reflex, he answered “Buckley.”

“You know, I should have known you were military…” muttered the voice on the other end of the line, “You up?”

“Obviously!” Buck snarked without thinking, then he cringed at the disrespect.

A warm chuckle met his response though, “Boy, you’re just as much trouble as I was at your age.”

“I find that hard to believe, ‘Thena” Buck replied, tucking the phone between his shoulder and his ear as he paused in his pacing to settle onto the floor, back to the couch. 

“Well… maybe you’ve got me beat by a smidge…” she trailed off, so Buck waited, patiently until she continued talking “Why’re you up?” 

Buck opened his mouth to shrug off the question, but then she jumped in again, “Never mind, if you’re going to bullshit me. Me? I had a nightmare…”

“Where’re May and Harry?” Buck queried, keeping his voice soft.

“Harry’s over at a friend’s and May’s at the overnight fundraiser at school.”

“Want to talk about it?” Buck murmured. 

“Not really. You know what I do want?”

“What?”

“To see you,” Athena’s response was quiet but clear. 

“ ‘Thena…” Buck rubbed at his forehead and bit his lip, worrying the skin there. 

“I just want to know you’re okay… because in my dream…”

“It was about me?” Buck’s tone of surprise was obvious, while Athena’s responding half-chuckle was equal parts sad and fond.

“Yeah, Buckaroo, it was and it would help if…?” she left it open, but Buck could hear it in her voice, the need. He got that way after nightmares about the tsunami; those nights being able to talk to just see Chris, even over video chat, was all that could help settle him. Even just the past week of nights were better with Chris at his house more often than not, along with Eddie sleeping in his bed. Buck was finally sleeping, sometimes, which was better than never. 

“Do you need me to come get you?” was Buck’s response, and the sound of Athena shaking her head sounded over the phone, her cheek likely brushing the microphone. 

“No, no… actually,” she sniffed “I’m like a block away. I kind of hoped…”

“Come over, ‘Thena. I’ll stay on the phone with you, just drive slow and safe, okay?”

“Okay.” He heard the key turn on and the rumble of the engine as Athena drove toward his house. Not even a minute later, he heard the crunch of gravel through the phone and he got up from the floor, making his way to the front door, opening it just as Athena made to knock, with her phone still on and in her hand. 

“Hey.” 

Her voice cracked on the word and that was all it took for him to open his arms and draw her close. Athena hugged him back fiercely, not letting him go for several minutes. When she finally loosened her grip, he ushered her inside, and then led her to the kitchen.

“Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?”

“Hot chocolate,” murmured Athena, leaning against the kitchen cabinets, obviously not wanting to be too far from Buck.

“Rory taught me how to make hot chocolate you know,” Buck commented quietly, “We used to drink it after we had nightmares; it’s a cure-all, I promise.”

He went to his fridge, grabbing milk, cream, and a bowl of freshly whipped cream then turned back, the ghost of Rory at the corner of his eye as he set out the ingredients. “She would have liked you, but she would have also driven you nuts. We were a pair of chaos magnets.” 

Buck’s quiet words were putting Athena at ease as she watched him bustle around his kitchen to pull out a saucepan as well as powdered sugar and chocolate. He combined ingredients without measuring a thing, merely spending his time stirring, simmering, and finally smiling slightly. 

“Mugs are behind you.” 

Without a word, Athena withdrew two, noticing that Eddie’s misshapen but lovingly painted Father’s Day mug from the previous year had somehow migrated to Buck’s cabinet. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Buck asked as he presented her a mug of hot chocolate topped with whipped cream and chocolate shavings. 

“Do you talk about yours?” Athena asked instead.

“Sometimes. I’ve got a good therapist now.”

“What was it tonight?”

Buck took a sip from his own mug, closing his eyes for a moment, savouring the chocolate that coated his tongue, the inside of his mouth no longer tasting wet and coppery with blood. 

“Nate. The day he died.” 

Athena’s breathed in sharply, “Buck, I’m…”

He headed off her potential apologies. “It happened ‘Thena. It’s not okay; I’m not okay with it. But it happened.” 

“It wasn’t the ladder truck,” Athena blurted out, wincing a bit at Buck’s flinch “or the tsunami… you were just gone. We’d driven you away and I needed to know you were here still.” She set her mug down and looked away from Buck “God, that sounds selfish. The last thing you need from us is more demands or needs.”

“Actually, what I need is for people who care to stop assuming what is too much for me.”

Buck put his own mug down too. He moved to lean against the counter opposite Athena. 

“Look at me, Athena,” she did, let it never be said that Athena Grant backed away from a fight for someone she loved. “Did people screw up? Yeah. Hell, yeah!” Buck took a deep breath, toning down his voice a bit, “But we’re rebuilding and that can’t happen if you’re all stuck on what might have been. Trust me, there’s a hell of a lot more that could have happened but didn’t, and if that needs to be shared at some point, I will share it, but I’ve made my choice. I want to move forward. That doesn’t mean forgetting, but re-forging trust, it takes two,” his forehead creased lightly, “or however many people make up our little family, okay?”

Athena nodded, still a bit dumbfounded, but feeling better all the same.

“So, drink your hot chocolate and then you can help me pick out some hardware to bring to the range today. No way are those army boys going to show off if I can help it.”

“Not even your army guy?” she smirked slightly at him.

“I plead the fifth, because I know there’s a bet,” replied Buck, putting down his empty mug, spreading his hands out in front of himself as if that was a display of innocence. 

“Buck, his Father’s Day mug is in your cabinet,” Athena looked at him, unimpressed, one eyebrow quirked up.

“Chris brought it over. You know I can’t refuse that kid anything.”

Athena had to admit there was truth to that statement, still she had a feeling, a good feeling, in her gut. And she trusted her gut. Her eyes caught on something subtle as he moved past her to put his mug in the sink.

“So, that hickey isn’t from Eddie?” 

Buck blushed, vividly. 

She chuckled. 

The smile that Buck couldn’t stop from spreading over his face made him almost glow with happiness in Athena’s eyes. 

“You know, I didn’t know Nate, but I think he’d be happy that you’re happy.”

“Yeah,” Buck murmured in response, his smile turning a bit wistful, “I know he would be.”

“I won’t say anything,” Athena stated, “My lips are sealed.”

“You would have found out later today at the range, we just haven’t had everyone together yet to tell them,” Buck shrugged, a smile still on his face, “Maddie knows already but is keeping it from Chim. We wanted to tell the 118 together; we were hoping to do it tomorrow. I’ll stop by after my shift.”

“Can I come?” 

“I would be disappointed if you didn’t, ‘Thena.”

“Well, I don’t want to disappoint you, Buckaroo” she reached out to touch his cheek softly, “You’re a good man, Buck.”

He swallowed, still somewhat uncomfortable with praise, but he kept eye contact with Athena, which was progress. 

“Now, what’s this about you wanting to show up some army guys?” Athena pulled her hand away, taking a long swig of her hot chocolate and he chuckled lightly. She smiled, the feeling of loss that had taken her over when she’d woken from her nightmare now a distant memory. Buck was here, safe, loved, and still with them. They would fight tooth and nail to keep it that way as long as he let them.


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Buck catch up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own any of the franchises tagged in this work.

“What?!” Steve growled into his phone his day having started off poorly enough already.

“Damn, Smooth Dog, chill,” Buck’s voice filtered through the phone, helping Steve calm down, just a smidge.

“What’s up, Pup?” 

“Nah, you first. What’s pissing you off?”

Steve huffed, but Buck wasn’t easily deterred. 

“Steve?”

“Don’t,” he grumped, “It’s Danny’s ex; she’s being…”

“Difficult.” Buck supplied, the hint of growl in his own voice, “Is she being that way because Grace is applying to schools off the island?” A grunt was all Buck got, but that was enough confirmation for him. Since he’d met Danny in person they’d stayed in close contact, partially because of Buck’s burgeoning bond with Grace. Danny liked that Buck knew Steve too, in ways that he could never completely understand, “Where is he?”

“Chin took him on an evidence run.”

“Y’all on a case, right now?”

“Chasing down some cold case leads,” Steve responded. 

“Okay, here’s what you’re going to do. Are you listening?” 

Steve stayed silent and Buck rolled his eyes.   
“You’re going to go on a food run, and on the way to Kamekona’s you’re going to detour.”

“Detour, where?”

“There’s a family run spot a few blocks up, that sells, according to Danny, the best tomato pie he’s had since he was a kid.”

“How?” Steve bites back the rest of the question, content for the moment to just know that Buck had done with Danny what he had always done with family, learned about them and loved them. He did have one question though, considering he and Danny were dating, “Why didn’t he…”

“He was going to take you soon, Smooth Dog. Don’t overthink it; just get him the pie, okay?”

“Yeah, Pup. I hear you,” Steve swung around in casual u-turn, in Danny’s car, of course. He smiled, because hey, no one was around to see him be sappy. “So, why’d you call?”

It was Buck’s turn to go silent for a moment, “Pup?” Steve’s voice was firm, but kind. 

“I was kind of hoping that Danny would be with you when I told you, but this feels right,” Buck murmured, “You were the first person I told about Nate, right before Rory. Did you know that?”

“No,” Steve took in a shaky breath, “No, I didn’t know that.”

“Well, you aren’t the first to know, but I wanted to tell you…” and Steve’s smile grew a bit wider.

“When?”

“What?”

“When did he tell you? Or did he kiss you first? If there’s more than that, I don’t need details, Pup” he couldn’t resist teasing as Buck squawked over the phone and Steve was overcome with a desire to see the kid and hug him. 

“A few days ago,” Buck sputtered, but he was laughing too, “and don’t lie, everyone wants details.”

Steve barked out a laugh, as another, similar conversation flowed through his mind.

**Flashback**

Buck was cleaning his guns at five o’clock in the morning, having come in from a run half an hour ago. When Steve got up at six, he went out on his own run, then made a coffee. He kicked up his feet on the table Buck had everything laid out on and watched his protégé as he sipped his coffee. “What’s eating you, Buck?”

“Nothing,” he tossed Steve a carefree smile that the SEAL didn’t buy for a minute. 

“Try again, Pup.”

Buck shifted, so Steve decided to work with what he knew, which granted wasn’t much. 

“You know, everyone’s okay right? We talked to them last night.”

“I know,” Buck replied, still focusing on his guns. 

“I know it’s weird working in smaller groups, but I needed you and Nate for this.”

“I know that, Steve. I do,” Buck looked up then, eyes wide and trusting, but Steve just couldn’t shake the feeling that something else was going on.

“Do you trust me, Pup?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course, I do.”

“Then what’s going on?”

The scuff of a foot on the ground sounded then, interrupting Steve’s questions as Nate appeared, yawning. 

“Do you ever sleep?” mumbled at the room at large, then Nate rolled his eyes as if the obvious tableau in front of him answered his question, “I’ll go for breakfast, waffles?” his eyes met Buck’s and the other man nodded, suddenly intent on polishing his SIG Sauer P226 that Steve had gifted him after their first mission. 

Nate paused, eyes lingering on Buck a moment longer than usual and then, he ducked out of the room, slipping on shoes and a coat as he headed out into the city that they were currently holed up in for intelligence gathering. 

“You know, I don’t have a rule against team relationships,” Steve murmured as the door shut and locked behind Nate. Buck still wouldn’t look at him, so he was going to leave it at that, until “He kissed me… liked I mattered,” Buck’s voice was so soft he almost didn’t catch the words. 

“You do matter,” Steve settled back down on the couch, moving so that he was facing Buck even as the younger man keeping polishing and cleaning his weapons. 

“You know what I mean,” Buck chided Steve.

“That what you’ve been so antsy about, Pup?” Steve reached out to pet Buck’s hair and the younger man leaned automatically into the touch. 

“I didn’t talk to him after it happened, then we got assigned here, just the three of us, and he… he wanted to know if he should leave, if that would make me more comfortable. That he didn’t want to cross a line, but” Buck looked up at Steve, “I said yes. When he asked if he could kiss me, I said yes.”

“So, what’s scaring you now?” Steve settled his arm over Buck’s shoulder, tugging lightly until Buck put his tools down and leaned into the side hug. “You’re allowed to want. You’re allowed to be unsure too. To say no, if you want.”

“What if I want to say, yes?” muttered Buck.

“You can do that too,” Steve told him, hoping that would reassure his Pup, but Buck just burrowed a bit closer. “What is it Buck?”

“Everyone I’ve loved leaves,” he murmured, “I’m not sure I’m meant to have love.”

Steve once again had the desire to murder Buck’s father, but he kept his anger under wraps. 

“You know, for one of the smartest people I know, you’re silly sometimes, Pup.” Buck pouted a bit, but he quirked his head at Steve, silently asking for more context. “You have love. This team, it’s your family and we love you,” his voice got a bit gruffer, “I love you, Pup,” he cleared his throat, “So, it’s not a question of whether you deserve it or not. It’s whether you’ll acknowledge it.”

“Hmm,” Buck hummed, thinking on Steve’s words, not quite ready to believe it, but he could feel the strength of Steve’s conviction, “So, you really don’t have a problem if…?”

“The only problem I would have is if either of you does something the other one is not comfortable with. You hear me, kiddo? Anything happens that you aren’t okay with and it’ll be like they never existed.”

“Steve.”

“I’m serious.”

Buck smiled at him, “I know. Thanks, Smooth Dog.”

“Anytime, Pup.” Steve ruffled Buck’s hair again, which caused the younger man to nudge him and one thing led to another, so that by the time Nate returned with food, Buck and Steve were chucking pillows across the room at each other with scary accuracy. He almost took a pillow to the face, but he ducked just in time, setting the food down to keep it safe, before grabbing the offending pillow and throwing it directly at Steve who hadn’t seen it coming. 

Buck let out a whoop of joy and Nate thought he’d never seen someone look more beautiful than Buck did with a smile on his face. He took several deliberate steps over to the younger man and when he turned around, Buck’s smile got even bigger, then he paused and bit his lower lip before closing the distance between them. “Can I?” Buck asked, and Nate smiled, leaning down to press a soft kiss to Buck’s lips.

“Anytime you want to, sweetheart.”

“You two are going to be insufferable,” Steve called from the other side of the room, “and I couldn’t be happier.” He looked at Nate, fixing the man with a stone-cold look for a moment, “You hurt him, you’ll disappear,” and Nate, far from cringing away, saluted Steve, “Understood.”

Steve walked over to grab the food to set it up in the kitchen, leaving Buck and Nate alone together.

**end of flashback**

“I’ll want to talk to Diaz, you know that, right, Pup?”

“Yeah,” Buck cleared his throat, “He actually said he wanted to talk to you before.”

“Did he, interesting?” 

“He promised he’d give you a chance to and I quote ‘bury him in a casket underground or whatever’” Buck told Steve, who chuckled.

“Burying someone in a casket is a lot of work,” Steve replied, and Buck snorted, “That’s what I told him.”

“Are you happy, Buck?”

“I’m getting there, Steve.”

“Good enough for today.”

“Ain’t that the truth. Tell Danny I say ‘Hi’ and that he’s a good dad, no matter what Rachel says.”

“I’ll pass along the love,” Steve responded as he pulled up in front of the spot Buck had described to him, “and hopefully, this tomato pie. I’m here.”

“I’ll let you go. Talk soon, Smooth Dog.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll get to the gun range and Buddie telling the 118 soon.


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The range.
> 
> The station. 
> 
> A visitor.
> 
> A flashback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own any of the fandoms I reference here including: 9-1-1, NCIS, or Criminal Minds. 
> 
> I wrote the 'Iris' related portion of this because I watched the Goo Goo Dolls perform it on New Year's Eve. Happy 2021 y'all!

“Umm, before I show you stuff, I should assure you that I’ve paperwork for all of it and it’s never loaded when the kids are here,” Buck hedged as he took Athena’s empty mug.

“You know, as much as I don’t want to disappoint you, I’ve been a cop with the LAPD for the past few years before. I’ve seen some hardware before Buckaroo.”

“True,” Buck nodded in acknowledgment, “I’ve pulled some out in the study, come take a look.”

“What no MI6 style gadget room?” she teased.

‘Oh there is, but you won’t find it I’m afraid, seeing as Steve didn’t while he was here, and he knows my weapons habits almost like the back of his hand. Honestly, I think the only person who might have been able to find it would have been Felix.” They moved together toward the study.

“Felix? Nate’s best friend, right?” 

“And Rory’s husband. The best sniper I’ve ever encountered.”

“Did he train you?”

Buck smirked a bit as he answered, “Steve showed me the basics with shooting, aside from what I knew from SEALS training, but Felix taught me that it’s a craft.”

Athena hummed, whether in agreement or not, Buck doubted he would know because he’d just opened his study door and her eyes had widened slightly in surprise. He’d pushed all of furniture to the edge of the room and set out several closed and locked gun cases. 

“When I said a few you thought I meant like three max, right?” Buck queried.

“Uh, yeah. Still, I’ve seen more in one room, Buckaroo, but I’m just trying to wrap my head around… you’re proficient with all of them?”

Buck nodded. “They wouldn’t be much use to me if I wasn’t.”

“Damn.” She whistled, her eyes skating over the cases, “Well, come on Buckley, I was promised a tour – show me what you’ve got.” The handguns didn’t phase her much, even if the number of them was unexpected, but the two Heckler & Koch MP7 submachine guns had her raising her eyebrows. “You’ve got an impressive collection of sniper gear too,” she looked on impressed as him assembled and disassembled a M40A1 sniper rifle, which he’d told her was typically used by the Marines, in a blur of motion she couldn’t track. 

He shrugged, “Some of it’s mine, but some of it is Felix’s and Rory’s too. They didn’t really have family, so I got everything,” he locked the M40A1 case, patting it briefly. Felix had taught him to always take good care of his tools, so that they could take care of him. 

He paused, just a moment before pulling two cases toward him, “Weapons were a popular gift among our crew. Steve gifted me a SIG Sauer P226 after our first mission. Nate and I had matching SIG Sauer M17’s in coyote tan for desert missions that we bought for our anniversary. Felix and Rory got matching engraved ring daggers from me for their wedding,” after a glance at Athena he shrugged, “We were a practical lot.”

“I can see that,” she replied, a bit thrown by the casual nature of Buck’s familiarity with deadly weapons, but she knew given his past that he didn’t take any of this casually. “So, what’s in these?” she asked, pointing at but not touching the cases he’d pulled toward himself. 

“Well, this is one of the ones I was planning to bring today,” he tapped the one on his right, “but I’ll only do it if you’ll agree to shoot its friend.”

“Its friend?” Athena sounded amused. 

“Yeah, see Rory’s birthday was only a few days after…” Buck swallowed around the lump that had suddenly lodged itself in his throat, he cleared it with a forced cough, “And she’d always wanted a Lady Hawk,” his fingers, though they were shaking, didn’t fumble the clasp of the case. 

As he opened the lid, Athena found herself actually catching her breath. She could appreciate a beautiful gun, but the piece Buck presented her now was obviously customized to every extent of the word. There were words etched into too. “Buck, I…”

“Pick it up, ‘Thena, please?”

She picked it up, gingerly, then her fingers closed around it, helping it settle into her grip. She brushed against the engraving, tipping it up to inspect the words. 

“How long can we look at each other…?” she read out in a puzzled voice. 

Buck flicked open his own case, “This is the Nighthawk custom Colt series 70,” he told her, showing her a different but similarly customized gun, with the words “Down the barrel of a gun” etched into it. 

“It’s from that John Farnham song, ‘You’re The Voice’” Buck offered, “It was something Rory used to hum while strategizing for missions. She always wanted us to remember that there were people at the end of our weapons; human beings, no matter how monstrous and that meant we had to make choices with humanity in mind, or we’d lose ourselves. That thinking, it kept me grounded, so I did this,” he gestured at the guns.

“Buck, I can’t shoot her gun.”

“She never shot it ‘Thena, and this… it feels right. I figure you won’t take it outright, so I want you to shoot it, for my sister that can’t.”

How could she begrudge him that? “Okay. I’ll do it.”

“Good. Now, let’s pack these up and try to get some sleep huh?”

Athena nodded, placing the Lady Hawk reverently back in its case, Buck doing the same with his gun. As they stood up, Athena drew him into a tight hug, trying to convey to him how much he meant to her. And if both of them swiped at their eyes as they separated several minutes later, well, neither were ashamed of it. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

“So, how good is he?” Cal asked, curiosity evident in his tone. 

“Ask Eddie,” Will quipped, “His husband wasn’t the type I’d have crossed, even for a man as gorgeous as Buck.”

Eddie smacked Will upside the head as the man chortled, watching Cal catch on and double over in laughter too, “Jerk!” Eddie hissed. 

“Not sorry, that opening was too good to pass up,” Will responded, although he smartly stepped out of range of Eddie’s hand, “But seriously, no idea. We were pinned down, and I didn’t see much of the actual firefight. He’s likely average, honestly, you don’t equip teams like that with powerhouses with the same skills and Felix Donahue, their sniper, was the stuff of legends, man.”

“Still, it’ll be good to shoot for a round or two,” Cal commented, “I haven’t in a while.”

“Me neither,” admitted Eddie. 

“Just promise us, no canoodling at the range. I know competency’s hot, but I have no desire to see your full-on bedroom eyes Diaz,” snarked Will. 

“Oh really,” Eddie took a step toward Will, who was once again laughing when a solid arm curled around Eddie’s torso, pulling him back. 

“Problem, Eds?” Buck whispered in Eddie’s ear, and dammit, Eddie could already feel his resolve to be stoic to annoy Will melting away. He leaned back against Buck’s chest for a moment, “Not now that you’re here.”

“Good,” Buck’s breath rushed over his cheek, and after placing a sweet kiss on Eddie’s cheek, Buck stepped back. Eddie had to concentrate on staying on his feet as Buck moved back, but then a throat was clearing right behind Buck. 

“Hello Eddie,” Athena Grant was smiling at him, but in a way that made Eddie feel like any moment she might flay him alive with a tongue lashing for dating her oldest child. 

‘Sergeant,” he replied, almost automatically. His buddies were chuckling, while Buck just threw him a confused glance, but Athena’s assessing look softened.

“Calm down, Diaz. He’s made his choice, just know that I’m a mama bear, at all times,” and with that she looped her arm through Eddie’s and pulled him along to the range, “Let’s talk about your intentions with my Buckaroo.”

“I’m not a character in an Austen novel!” Buck called after them only semi-indignantly. 

“You might as well be, with a military and first-responder family,” Cal commented, “C’mon. Let’s make sure your mama doesn’t make Diaz pass out.”

They settled in for the afternoon, each of them taking a round or two to warm up. Athena couldn’t help but notice how average Buck’s shooting seemed. Honestly, with the hardware he’d been packing and the skill of his mentors she was surprised. He was hiding his skill; she was sure of it as she watched him and Will chat as their targets returned and Cal collected a twenty-dollar bill from Eddie. She slipped back to chat with them, voicing her thoughts as if they were casual “You know, for the gear he showed me Buck’s doing just okay.”

“I told Diaz earlier, I figured that’d be the case,” Cal commented, without malice in his voice, “I mean, he was a soldier right, so he’s as good as any of us, but well, even you’re giving us a run for our money, Sarge. Diaz won a forty off me earlier with your shooting against Greg.”

“Did he now?” Athena quirked an eyebrow at Eddie, who shrugged, “I appreciate the faith, Eddie.”

“And I apologize for making the bet, I should’ve figured LAPD officers would be better than most considering what you deal with on a daily basis,” Cal offered. Athena acknowledged his apology with a brief nod, but that didn’t stop a grin from spreading across her face as Cal turned away to chat with Greg who’d come back over. 

“He’s right, you’re kicking all of our asses, ‘Thena.”

“I bet you Buck could take me,” Athena told Eddie, who slowly nodded his head. 

“He’s fumbling on purpose then?”

“I think so.”

“Why?” Eddie murmured. Watching Buck empty a clip into the target in front of him was a damn fine sight, but there was something in his stance and his grip that was off. 

“I figure he still thinks we’re afraid of what he’s capable of,” murmured Athena, whose words brought Eddie’s eyes to her.

“God, I hope not…”

“Nope, that’s definitely not it, although I appreciate the concern,” Buck slung an arm around Athena’s shoulders, “You up for one last round, Mama ‘Thena?” He made a quiet cawing sound like a hawk and she laughed at him.

“Oh, you’re on Buckley!”

“Ready to make back your money?” Buck turned to look at Eddie.

“So, you were throwing it!” Eddie kept his voice down, “I knew it.”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to show off,” he admitted, “But well, seeing as you have so much faith in me that you’re out some cash, I figure the least I can do is earn it back for you.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, as he stepped up to Buck, eyes locked onto his partner’s, “Buck, cariño, you’re allowed to be competent at things, but don’t do this for me.”

“Can I do it half for your wallet and half because I think you were one breath away from telling me you find competency hot?” Buck leaned down, lips just a hair’s breath from Eddie’s, then he pulled away before he could give in and kiss the other man. 

“Hey Ross, double or nothing whatever you’ve won from Eddie that I can beat Athena in a single target round,” Buck called out, retrieving his customized Colt from its case. While everything else he’d shot that day had been standard, no sniper rifles or submachine guns, he’d been keeping his pride and joy in reserve for this moment. 

“You sure you still want to bet on him, Diaz?” Will asked his friend, but Eddie didn’t even look at him as he nodded. 

“He’s got my back,” Eddie replied.

“Your loss, GI. Please, Sergeant Grant, dazzle us and win me and the boys a nice dinner,” Will gallantly gestured for Athena to shoot first. 

“That’s quite the piece,” Cal commented as she moved forward. 

“Thanks; it’s kind of a family heirloom,” she quipped, winking at Buck whose smile was bright.

She shot. Six shots, five of which clustered at the center of the target, the other one landed just outside of that space.

Greg hissed in sympathy as they inspected Athena’s target, “You sure you want to go through with this Buckley? We promise to still think of you as badass even if you walk away.”

“I’m sure, but thanks Greg,” Buck tossed a wink at Athena as he moved forward, loading his gun.

“Is that a custom piece?” Cal asked, squinting as Buck’s current weapon of choice.

“Yup,” Athena replied, “And I love to say it; y’all have been played.”

Cal, Greg, and Will tilted their heads in confusion, but then shrugged it off, turning their attention to Buck, who was suddenly different. His stance and grip, it was like he’d fallen into a different body it was so natural to him. And then, one shot, and a second. Six shots in quick, almost immediate succession and as they moved forward as a group, they saw with wide eyes that there was only one path of entry marked on the target. 

“That’s my boy!” Athena crowed, overcome with delight at Buck’s skill and, having seen him put down the gun, disassembled, and obviously unloaded she hugged him. Then she turned around, “Pay up!”

Buck laughed, but all three men gamely passed over their losses to Eddie, or more accurately, they tried to, but Eddie was so struck by Buck that Athena had to move away and collect his winnings. Suddenly, Eddie was up in Buck’s space and kissing him, “Competency, definitely hot,” he gasped out when they broke apart. Buck looked a bit dazed, but still managed to blush and nod.

“Duly noted, Eds.”

“C’mon boys, if I’ve got to keep you two a secret from my husband for one night, I at least deserve a beer on you,” Athena interrupted them, but neither of them cared. 

“You know what, Athena, you’re absolutely right,” Eddie responded, with a laugh as he grabbed Buck’s hand and offered his other one to Athena. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

She didn’t look lost, more so hesitant, which was why when she made an appearance in the loft Eddie smiled kindly at her. He had been in a good mood ever since the afternoon at the range the day before. 

“May I help you?” 

“Umm, I’m looking for Evan Buckley? Buck?” 

Eddie’s brow furrowed, trying to think of who this could be, but he didn’t have to wonder long. 

“Abby?” That was Hen’s voice and it was, well not icy, but not far from it. Eddie’s smile fell off of his face, a frown taking its place as he took in the woman standing in front of him. So, this was Abby. 

“Hey Hen… Hi Chim.” Abby turned around, greeting the other firefighters who made no move toward her. She swallowed, obviously sensing the tension in the room “I was… I was just looking for Buck.”

“Why?” Chim’s voice was firm, obviously trying not to sound angry, but Eddie marked the clenching of his friend’s jaw. He hadn’t been here for Abby; he’d only seen the aftermath. She had torn through Buck’s life like a hurricane and left only destruction in her wake. Chim and Hen had had front row seats to it all. 

Abby fumbled with her purse, pulling out an envelope and Eddie sneered, scoffing out loud. 

“An apology, really?” Hen jumped in before Eddie could. Then something sparkled under the loft lights, and Eddie fought back a growl, because Abby had a ring on her left hand. She had a ring and yet, here she was with a note for Buck. 

“Does your partner know about this letter?” Abby turned back to him, taking a step back and Eddie wasn’t surprised. He’s sure his anger was plain on his face. 

But Abby didn’t turn tail and run. He might, at a later date, begrudgingly give her credit for that move, depending on how this all turned out. 

“Yes, he does. And we’re engaged, not married yet. He insisted that I make this right first. And he’s right, I owe Buck this.” She fluttered the envelope again, chin held high, meeting Eddie’s eyes “So, where is he?”

“He doesn’t work here right now” Eddie answered, and he watched concern flit over her features. 

“Is he okay?” Again, concern, which might have on another day gained her some respect in Eddie’s eyes, but not today. 

“That’s none of your business,” Chim told her, moving forward, hand outstretched. 

“You’re the one who left him,” Hen was still glaring at Abby.

“I didn’t…”

“Oh, don’t try and defend it. You never meant to come back to him, Abby!” Hen was close to yelling now and Eddie didn’t blame her, because Abby was nodding her head, in quiet acquiescence. 

“We can get this to him.” Chim’s voice was just a bit louder, reaching out for the envelope, “But it would be the decent thing to tell us whether it’s going to hurt him.”

“I just needed to apologize… just tell me where he is, at the apartment?” 

Hen scoffed “He has moved on, so far past you. Give it here and you can be on your way.”

Abby looked up, tugging the envelope back. “No, I need to give it to him, in person. It’s sensitive… and important.”

“Yeah, well, so is he,” Hen snapped back and she stepped forward, making a quick grab for the envelope that surprised Abby. Hen clutched it in her hand, moving to stand next to Eddie, her face twisting into a disgusted expression as her fingers clenched the letter. “What’d you do huh? Book a hotel room for you two to discuss this? Or buy him a gift card to get over you?”

“No! It’s not what you think!” Abby exclaimed, making a swipe for the envelope but Eddie put himself between Abby and her, and Hen ripped open the letter. 

She could feel shitty about violating Buck’s privacy in a minute, but as she pulled out the card and letter in the envelope all Hen could hear was a rushing sound in her head. Her eyes flitted over the note, it was short, only a few sentences long. 

“What. The. Hell. Is. This?” Hen’s voice had gone from icy to fiery, and suddenly, Eddie was holding Hen back from launching herself at Abby. 

“What is going on?!” Athena’s voice rang out, as she and Bobby came up into the loft, “Abby?” Her voice wasn’t as frosty as Hen’s had been earlier, but she was still in uniform, so she was probably trying to maintain an attitude of professionalism. But Hen’s next words caused Athena’s lips to thin into a line and Bobby’s eyebrows to raise in confusion. 

“She stole from Buck!” Hen yelled, uncaring who heard her, pointing violently at Abby as Eddie continued holding her back, not out of any care for Abby, but for Hen’s sake. 

“What?” Eddie and Chim both growled out. 

Hen waved the letter and card in her hand, seemingly too angry to say anything more. 

Athena came forward, brushing past Abby without looking at her, and put out a hand for the letter. Hen paused in her struggling, breathing deeply, but when Athena’s hand reached out, she handed the letter over. Athena’s eyes flicked over the letter and only her training kept her from giving anything away; slowly, she turned to fix Abby with an impassive look. 

“Athena?” Chim asked, “Is it true?”

“Well, Clark. What do you think? Is it true?” Athena queried; her voice was as sharp as glass.

“Athena…” Abby began to speak, but then she was interrupted. 

“Abby?” 

And that was Buck’s voice, he had appeared in the loft with Maddie, cookie tins in his hand, obviously just coming from a slow shift. Eddie now knew that Buck liked to bake on slow shifts and he knew the other man had just pulled an extremely slow shift just by the size of the tins he was carrying. They had planned for Buck to come by to tell the 118 about them dating but now Abby was here, and despite everything he felt his heart jump into his throat, even just for a moment. 

“Buck?” The moment Eddie said his name, Buck’s eyes snapped to him, and Eddie knew he probably looked confused, but at the moment, everyone was confused so it was a par for the course expression. 

“I gave Maddie a lift; figured I’d drop these off,” he moved out from behind Maddie, deliberately walking over the table to set down the tins, his eyes flickering away from Eddie back to Abby. He was now closer to Abby and Athena “What’s going on?” His eyes swept the scene in front of him, landing eventually on Athena and what she held in her hand. 

Buck closed his eyes briefly, breathing in and out, just once before his eyes snapped up to Abby who still hadn’t said a word. “I told you, there’s nothing left to clear, Abby.”

“Buck… I want to make this right. I know you said…”

“I said it was yours Abby; there’s no need to pay it back,” Buck’s voice was oddly quiet, not emotionless, but it unnerved all of the people present. 

Abby stepped forward, putting out a hand tentatively to touch Buck, and it looked like he was going to let her, but then Maddie was in front of him, glaring fiercely at Abby. 

“You can go now,” Maddie’s voice was like gravel, words grating against each other roughly as if it was all she could do to keep a lid on her own temper. 

“Mads,” Buck put a hand on Maddie’s shoulder, stepping out from behind her, “It’s okay.” He looked at Abby, paused, then held out a hand “Let me walk you to your car,” he smiled thinly “Wouldn’t want your fiancé to worry about you.”

Hen opened her mouth to protest, Eddie felt the same way, but Athena shushed them with a look. 

Abby, tentatively reached out, taking Buck’s offered hand and he led her out of the station. The squad watched from the loft as they headed out into parking lot. 

“Why’d you have to come by Abby?” Buck muttered, letting go of her hand as soon as they exited the station.

“I had to pay you back. My ummm…”

“Fiancé? You can say it, I’m not blind. Well, we’re settled up okay. You can leave, move on, and forget us, especially me.”

“Buck, I never meant to make you so bitter…”

“Bitter?” Buck spit out the word, chuckling a bit, “I’m over you, Abby. I’ve been over you for awhile. I’m seeing someone actually, but no one likes their past shoved in their face, so please go. Leave and do not come back. I wish you two well.” 

Buck spun on his heel. Leaving Abby, looking forlorn and confused behind him. 

“Buck!” she called.

But he wasn’t at her beck and call anymore. 

He kept walking, returning to the loft, taking in the state of his family, eyes flitting over a Maddie that looked like she wanted to spit fire, an Athena with clenched fists, and Eddie, who looked closed off in a way that made Buck’s heart hurt. “Buck,” Bobby started to speak but Buck only had eyes for Eddie.

“Eddie?” Buck said his partner’s name, and his heart ached when Eddie’s eyes dropped to the floor. He crossed the room, figuring they were going to tell everyone anyways, it might as well be now. He put out a hand to cup Eddie’s cheek, making Eddie look at him, “You’re my future,” was all he said before he pressed a sweet kiss to his partner’s lips. And Eddie, Eddie got with the program quickly realizing that he still had Buck and kissed him back. When they separated a moment later, Eddie pulled the other man into a hug, determined to hold him just a moment longer. 

It was Buck that eased out of the hug, only to pull Eddie to his side, “Athena won the pool, Chim. Don’t get too excited,” Buck said firmly, as he took in the open-mouths of his 118 family, “We’ve been dating for a few days.”

“What the hell just happened!?” screeched Chim, “Buck and Eddie… Abby … what the…?!”

“Okay, chill out, man. Deep breaths,” Buck coached him. 

“I say we take this back to our place and have dinner,” Athena interjected, “Clock out and be there at 7pm. Buck?”

Buck nodded, “Sounds like a good idea; we’ll be there,” he tugged Eddie toward the stairs, grateful for the opening Athena had given them, “No questions until dinner is over!” he called back over his shoulder.

“Buck,” Eddie murmured as they made their way to the locker room for Eddie to change.

Buck stole another kiss, “I’ll tell you tonight, after dinner and our interrogation, I promise.”

Eddie nodded. 

9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1 / 9-1-1

“Chim, could you stop saying ‘Both. Both is good.’ I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Buck groaned, “And no, I’m still no answering any questions yet.”

“How are you such a pop culture void that you don’t know Road to El Dorado, but you know the Goo Goo Dolls?” Chim lamented to Buck as the other firefighter was reclining on the grass of Bobby and Athena’s backyard.

“What makes you think Buckaroo even knows the Goo Goo Dolls, Chim?” Hen chided as she and Maddie joined them, “And how’d you get on this topic anyways? Is Chim trying to get you to listen to his specialized Spotify playlists?”

“They’re masterpieces, I’ll have you know!” Chim exclaimed, voice high with falsified offense even as Maddie giggled at his antics.

“Got it in one, Hen,” Buck replied, eyes closed, just enjoying his friends being present. 

“Hold on,” Hen clucked her tongue, “You two only answered one of my questions, Buck.”

“Good catch, Hen,” Athena appeared, settling next to her best friend, with a contented sigh.

“You’re not letting Eddie in your kitchen are you ‘Thena, because I take no responsibility for that impending disaster if you are,” Buck asked, neatly sidestepping the comment. 

A huff of fond frustration sounded above Buck, who cracked an eye to look up at Eddie. “You know that’s just the responsible thing for me to do, Eds,” he teased and Eddie rolled his eyes, but sat down next to Buck, his hand automatically petting Buck’s hair.

“So?” Hen playfully poked Buck’s shoulder.

“So, what?” Buck asked.

“Why does Chim think you know alternative rock groups?”

“Excuse me, Chim doesn’t think, Chim knows!” Chim interjected with a huff. 

“Chim should stop talking in third person,” muttered Eddie, which caused Buck to chuckle.

“Is it so out of the realm of possibility that I listen to alt-rock, Hen?”

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking. Like seriously, can you even name a song by them?”

“Hey,” Athena chided her friend, “That’s musical gatekeeping or something like that -- May read me the riot act for critiquing her Nirvana shirt the other week.”

Buck chuckled again, then took a breath, rolling up from the ground and moving instead to sit beside Eddie, leaning casually against him as he met Hen’s gaze. 

“One of their best-known songs is ‘Iris’ and it was written for the film City of Angels” he stated quietly, his voice missing the mark on the lighthearted nature of Hen’s question. 

Eddie’s hand found his, recognizing on some subconscious level that something here was hitting Buck deeply. 

“I swear that movie’s part of the reason I moved here,” Bobby came to join them, settling in next to Athena, “Marcy loved it; I had like three copies because she watched it so often.” Athena cuddled up to Bobby in a half hug, and he welcomed it. It was good he’d realized to talk about his past and his losses with his family, especially because so many of them, for better or worse, understood some of what he had gone through. 

“That’s sweet, unsurprising for you, Pops, but sweet,” Buck replied, shooting Bobby a wink. 

“But you hardly know any movies, Buck, so how’d you learn the song?” Athena asked steering the conversation back to Hen’s question. 

Chim opened his mouth then, as if realizing the path of questioning he’d inadvertently set up for Buck and blurted out “How about them Mets!”

Everyone but Buck looked absolutely befuddled by Chim’s interjection. Buck only laughed, though it caught in his throat a bit. 

“It’s okay, Chim. It’s okay,” everyone’s eyes flitted between the two friends, confusion marring the pleasant air of the afternoon. Buck cleared his throat, squeezing Eddie’s hand once before speaking, “I know ‘Iris’ because it was the first dance song at my wedding, Hen. A few months ago, Tyger was trying to figure something out for her wedding and it came up in conversation with Chim afterwards. And before you ask, yes, I knew who the Goo Goo Dolls were before we picked the song; it just seemed fitting.”

“I guess a pilot’s kind of like an angel,” mused Eddie quietly to Buck’s surprise.

“Yeah, something like that,” Buck replied, pressing a soft kiss to Eddie’s shoulder as the other man’s arm pulled him closer.   
“Considering everything that has happened these last few years, you definitely have a literal guardian angel looking out for you, cariño; I think that’s exactly what it’s like,” Eddie responded, nestling his head on Buck’s shoulder. 

Buck looked over to Chim, “And really? The Mets? Pick a better team next time if you want to distract people.”

“Like you know sports teams, Buckley!” exclaimed Chim, but he was smiling as he said it. 

“Could’ve at least picked the Cubs or something,” Athena jumped in, just to pile on Chim. 

“Those at home games are something else,” Buck nodded in agreement with Athena. 

“When were you in Chicago?” Maddie asked.

“When I first met Rory and then before L.A. I wasn’t sure where I was going to settle and Rory’s name still had some pull with a few people from Firehouse 51 out there; they’re a good crew, but it wasn’t where I thought I could rebuild. Too many memories,” Buck shrugged, shaking his head a bit, “Guaranteed, the first thing she would have said if she could visit now would be, where are your squad trucks?” He smiled, eyes soft. 

“That’s right. They split up duties and the hierarchy differently there, don’t they?” Bobby commented. 

“Is that why you chose firefighting, Rory?” Eddie asked the question lightly, fully prepared to back off if it brought up too many memories for Buck, but he was curious. They’d been talking more but there was so much to know and learn about each other. 

“Kind of, I guess.”

“Well, that’s an answer,” Hen replied, poking his thigh and Buck just poked back at hers, Athena looking at the sky as if asking it why all of her friends were secretly children in disguise. 

“To be fair, you know why we picked it,” Chim added, scooting out of the range of Buck and Hen’s fingers, “Athena’s told us bits and pieces too, guess we’re just curious how you go from well…” he gestured at Buck.

“Special ops to firefighting.” Bobby said, “That sums it up, right?”

“Decently yeah,” Buck replied, taking a breath as if thinking about the question, “Well, I guess the idea came about six months after we’d gotten married.”

***Flashback***

“Disney Prince?”

“And work for the corporation that doesn’t pay its workers properly, no thanks.” Buck replied, tipping his chair back onto two legs as he and Rory waited for the crockpot to cook their food. They were on stand down and bored, which meant he and Rory were cooking and chatting. Nate was catching up on sleep and Felix had gone out with Jen and Trevor to restock some supplies and gear. Steve was doing paperwork, which left the two of them, chaos and mayhem personified to shoot the shit. 

“What about you? Going to get your doctorate? Be a symbologist?”

“Uh, no thank you. I don’t need to be Langdon or Jones for that matter, before you suggest it.”

“Let’s be honest, you’d be better than either of them, especially because you’d be real.” 

“Maybe I’ll go back to school,” Buck snorted at her words, “Fine, yes, I’ll be going back to school but I don’t know where.” Rory moved from where she had been pacing the length of the kitchen to settle on the counter near Buck. 

“It’s hard, isn’t it, to think that this day to day isn’t forever.”

“I’m not sure I’ll miss it,” Rory hummed in curiosity, so Buck kept talking, “I mean, it’s not like whenever they take us off active duty as a team or we choose to disband that we will actually separate. Even if we aren’t living on top of each other anymore,” Rory waggled her eyebrows at him as he huffed in false annoyance, crumpling up a napkin to toss at her, except she caught it easily, “We’ll still be in touch. We’ll still be this team, together for better or worse.” 

“That does make it less scary.”

“What’s scary now?” Steve looked frustrated and Rory immediately hopped off the counter to strong arm their leader into a chair while Buck slammed his chair back onto four legs to get him a coffee.

“Paperwork wage a fight with you, McGarrett?” teased Rory as she set down a coffee in front of him, which he accepted gratefully. 

“I’m just regrouping, Rory,” Steve insisted as he inhaled half of the cup of coffee in one go, “So, what’re we talking about?”

“What’s next.”

“Okay…” Steve tilted his head in slight confusion.

“For us, all of us, after this,” Buck gestured at them and Steve’s head righted itself and he nodded.

“What’ve you got planned so far?”

“Well, Buckaroo has rejected being a Disney Prince,” Rory started only to be interrupted by a squawk of indignation from Buck, and they all looked to the kitchen door to find the rest of their team there, “And so much for just us being around to cause havoc,” she winked at Buck who grinned at her, shooting finger guns her way. 

“So, we’re not moving to Orlando or L.A. I guess?” Nate interjected, rubbing sleep from his eyes as he swept across the room to press a soft kiss to Buck’s lips, ignoring Trevor groaning about how adorable they were. Felix had dropped his supplies off and had already swept Rory into his arms. 

Buck was blushing, whether from the kiss or the Prince comment, or both Nate didn’t care much, he just wanted Buck to always look that hopeful. 

“Oh, we’re talking next steps?” Jen waltzed into the kitchen to peer into the crockpot, inhaling deeply, “Gumbo?”

Rory nodded, as she leaned back against Felix’s chest. 

“I’d really like to get a place in New Orleans, right in the French Quarter. In the midst of everything.”

“And do what?” Trevor asked, clearly amused and interested. 

“Knit? Paint? Hell, if I know. Just something… creative.”

“You could throw pots,” suggested Rory.

“And paint them afterward,” continued Buck.

Jen nodded, replacing the crockpot lid, and pouring herself some water. 

“Alright, that’s Jen sorted,” Rory quipped, looking over to Trevor, “You next Trev.”

“Way to put me on the spot, kiddo,” but he leaned back, a contemplative look on his face, “I’d like to open up a garage/bakery, in a military spot, somewhere warm preferably.”

“Hawaii?” Steve, Buck, and Rory all suggested at once. 

Trevor shrugged, but it was obvious he’d been thinking about this more than he wanted to let on, so they let that go for the moment. 

“What about you, Steve?” Jen asked, turning to their leader, who shrugged, “I’ll stay in, for a few more years probably.”

“Steven,” Buck chided their commander, “Come on, dream a little bigger, huh?”

“Only you,” Nate murmured into Buck’s hair, “could call your CO by their first name and get a smirk in response.”

“What can I say, I’m a delight.” Buck replied with a smile.

“Damn right,” Nate replied, moving to drape himself over the back of Buck’s chair.

“Fine,” Steve groaned, “I’d like to I don’t know… open a restaurant or something, you happy with that response? maybe back home. I don’t know.”

“Good enough for now,” Jen replied.

“But I’d expect logo designs any day now from Trevor,” Rory added, as their friend’s eyes had already lit up at the creative potential in Steve’s admission. 

“And you?” Jen looked at Nate and Buck, “Apparently, not Disney, so what else is there?”

“Rude,” Buck quipped. 

“I’m not really sure. I mean, I’d still like to help people…” Buck admitted, but he shrugged unsure. 

“You know, I still keep in touch with the crew from 51, you’d make a hell of a firefighter. Even Dad said so,” Rory suggested, her voice a bit quieter than it had been earlier as if unsure of what Buck would make of the option. 

“As much as it would terrify me on a daily basis, she’s right, sweetheart,” Nate commented, his voice quieter too as Buck processed Rory’s words, “and everybody loves firefighters.”

“Well, then it’s a match made in heaven, because everybody already loves Buck,” Felix stated, “which leaves Nate to be the trophy husband.”

“Honestly, maybe,” Nate replied, laughing as Buck rolled his eyes at them. 

“You telling me you wouldn’t want to be on my six?”

“You’ll never catch me saying that, darling. I could do Chicago and I won’t lie, growing up I wanted to be a firefighter.”

“What he means to say is that growing up he wanted to marry a firefighter. Nathaniel here kept a firefighter calendar under his mattress when I was his roommate during our senior year at Rutgers and you wondered how I knew you weren’t straight,” Felix told them, while Nate blushed a dark red. 

“What were you doing searching under his mattress, Felix?” Rory asked, tilting back to look up at her husband.

“Yeah, bro, what the hell?” Nate exclaimed.

“I was looking for pizza money!” Felix defended himself, “I might have been drunk at the time though, in my defense. I never said anything though!”

Nate burst out laughing, and it was Felix’s turn to blush as if he’d caught on to what his friend had just realized. “Is that you changed our commute to campus? And why you agreed to move into that trash bin of an apartment?”

“It was just down the street from Engine Company 5! I thought I was being a supportive friend!”

“Yet you never said anything,” Nate pointed out, the rest of the room including Felix was now also laughing. 

“I wasn’t sure how to approach it, so I just rented a bunch of movies…”

Nate’s face was a mix of awe and utter hilarity, “Dude, you rented Apartment Zero so many times I thought you were going to gut me in my sleep for the first few months.”

“You’re such a dork,” Rory snickered, pulling Felix down for a quick kiss, smiling even as she did, then she and Buck made eye contact, “Straight people, am I right?”

Buck nodded in agreement. 

“Wait…?” Steve jumped in, cocking his head to look at Rory, “Oh, that makes last month’s mission in Vegas make so much more sense. I just thought you were flexing your undercover skills.”

It was Rory’s turn to laugh uproariously.

“Well, she was,” Buck commented, “but she was also talking to a damn fine woman who wanted her phone number and kept her from being spotted.”

“Y’all didn’t know?” Felix jumped in, surprised at Steve’s reaction. 

“Guess, I never really came out as bi, surprise!” Rory exclaimed once she got her laughter under control.

“Me too, if anyone’s wondering,” Buck added, and they both looked at each other before snapping and shooting finger guns at each other. 

“Bi culture at its finest,” quipped Nate. 

“That’s why neither of them can sit on chairs properly,” Felix added. 

“You know, that’s not a harmful stereotype, so I’m going to let it go,” Rory told him, then thumping her head back on his chest gently. 

“So, what about you?” Buck nudged Nate’s head back as the man started laughing again, “You’ve asked all of us, you got an answer?” 

“Well…” Rory dragged out the word, and Felix just grinned down at her. 

“She’s being headhunted by one of the FBI’s newer units,” Felix told them his pride evident in his voice. 

“Seriously!” Buck’s eyes lit up, “That’s awesome!”

Rory ducked her head but nodded all the same.

“So, D.C.?” Nate asked Felix, who nodded. 

“I’ve got a few feelers out; I know a few people at the Bureau too. Or I’ll jump into something completely new; they’ve got a decent MCRT at NCIS down there I’ve heard.”

“Which unit?” Steve asked Rory, but it was Buck who answered. He’d known the answer the moment his best friend had nodded.

“The BAU, right?” 

“BAU?” Trevor interjected.

“Behavioural Analysis Unit,” Buck replied, “Given your current experience, I’m not surprised.”

“Nothing’s confirmed yet, but yeah, it’s something,” Rory told them, smiling, “So, this means we all have got to stay alive to see all of this awesomeness happen, you hear me?” She looked around the room, meeting everyone’s eyes, landing on Buck’s last and that was when he moved. He pushed off of his chair and she ducked out of Felix’s arms to hug him tightly, “Promise?” she whispered into his neck, “Promise.” He echoed, lips pressing a kiss to her hair. 

**End of Flashback**

Of course, he didn’t relate all of the memories rushing through his head to his family, but Buck felt comforted in the knowledge that at least he was living out his promise to Rory. He said as much to them, and the brush of Eddie’s lips on his cheek, the hand squeeze he got from Maddie, the thumbs-up from Hen, the nod from Chim, the knowing look he got from Athena, and the pride in Bobby’s eyes made him smile. He was living and fulfilling his promise; life was good for him. 

He took a deep breath and let it out. He felt like he was on solid ground. 

“Okay, everyone ask your questions about today, I know you’ve all been chomping at the bit,” Buck said, “We’ve got time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your amazing comments and kudos! I'm not always the best at responding to them, but they truly make my days brighter!


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena and Bobby are Buck's parents.
> 
> There's talk of the safe, Abby, and Buck's money.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own 9-1-1.
> 
> I don't hate Abby, but I think having the freedom money provides is tempting to anyone.

Buck and Eddie fielded questions about their budding relationship with ease and the atmosphere amongst everyone was lighthearted until Hen cleared her throat. 

“Uh, Buck, about today with Abby… I shouldn’t have opened the envelope. She told us it was sensitive and important. I should have listened.”

Buck nodded in acknowledgment, “And what did you say?”

“She said you were too,” Chim interjected, “Sensitive and important, that is. Not that you’re an envelope.” At Chim’s words Buck rolled his eyes and then bit his lip as if trying to find the words to respond to Hen’s unasked question. Except he didn’t have to, because Athena did it for him, “Alright, as much as I love having all of you here, I think it’s time for people to head home so that this family can catch its breath,” she looked at Hen, Chim, and Maddie in turn. 

Hen caught on right away, saying something about Karen and the kids, then she dragged Chim up from the ground. Maddie followed her confused and protesting boyfriend after pressing a kiss to Buck’s head and fixing Eddie with a glare that would stop anyone in their tracks. 

“Look after him, Diaz, or I’ll bring his brother back to help me hide your body,” Maddie threatened, then she winked and headed off.

“Brother?” Bobby asked.

“McGarrett,” Eddie replied, looking slightly paler as he stood up, reaching down to pull Buck to his feet.

“Relax, Eds, I can hold off Steve,” Buck reassured his boyfriend with a wink of his own, “at least long enough so that you could get a head start in car.”

“If it’s alright with you, I’ll just stick with loving you and never leaving,” Eddie responded, slipping an arm around Buck, pulling the other man to his side and pressing a soft kiss to Buck’s jaw. 

“You two are adorable,” remarked Athena, fondness creeping into her tone as Bobby moved over to her, “Come on,” she gestured at Buck and Eddie as she moved back to the house. 

“Thena, you said…”

“Family time, yeah. Did you miss that you’re dating our son, Diaz?” Athena had already turned around, but Bobby hadn’t, which meant he got to see the way Buck’s eyes brightened at his wife’s words. 

Buck felt like his heart was going to explode with the surge of love and affection that overwhelmed him in the wake of Athena’s casual words.   
“No ma’am,” Eddie replied, although he too was looking at Buck and marveling at the way the man that he loved soaked up affection like a sponge, “No clue, what I was confused about.” He gently guided Buck to the house, Bobby falling into step behind them. 

They ended up in the kitchen, Buck and Bobby making coffee while Eddie and Athena watched, the silence only punctured by clinking spoons and mugs being set down. When they each had a cup and everyone was settled around the kitchen table Buck pointedly tapped Athena’s mug handle with a spoon.

“Love won’t distract me forever, Mama. Let me cut to the chase for you, I don’t want to file charges against Abby.”

Bobby and Eddie cocked their heads, realization slowly dawning on them that Athena had had an ulterior motive to sending the others home. It seemed Buck had been wise to her motives from the get go, so Eddie didn’t panic, he just set down his mug and tried to collect his thoughts. He wanted to ask Buck about it, but his partner’s finances were not something he wanted to discuss with the entire firehouse. 

It was Bobby who asked the obvious question: “Buck, did she steal from you?”

Buck shook his head.

“Buck, did she ask for the money?” Athena queried and he shook his head again, focusing on the table and his coffee cup instead of looking at her, “It’s a decent chunk of change, Buckaroo.”

“It’s not a problem, ‘Thena. I appreciate you being concerned but it’s not what Hen thought.”

“Really?” Athena tapped the table, which brought Buck’s eyes up to meet hers, “Don’t lie to me.”

“You really think you’d be able to tell, if I lied?” Buck leaned back in his chair a bit, a hint of challenge in his voice, “Why won’t you believe me? You know me. I give and sometimes I forget that people take advantage of that.”

“So, she did steal from you,” Bobby said.

“Not by the letter of the law,” Buck replied, “I gave her the card, ‘Thena. When her mom was sick, it made things easier to help out, Carla’s full fees were halved, and when she needed space, I told her to keep it. I thought it would be a reminder, that I’d stand by her” he shrugged, setting his chair back on the ground firmly, “but when I saw the trips for two and then four, the dinners, and the house renos piling up I capped it.”

“Four?” Eddie’s confusion was evident.

“Her fiancé’s got two kids,” Buck answered, shortly.

“How long?” Bobby asked, Buck quirked an eyebrow up, requesting clarification, “How long did you let her take advantage of you?”

“Awhile, too long, Pops,” Buck sighed, “But it’s not theft and it’s all paid off on my end, so no harm no foul.”

“Like hell it is,” Athena exclaimed, “$75, 000 isn’t just chump change, Buckley!”

Eddie and Bobby froze as did Athena. Buck took a sip from his coffee mug, eyes closed as he tried to figure out what to say. 

“Pops, you remember when I was here awhile back, back when everything well, I left early the next morning. I told you I was getting a delivery.” 

“Yes,” Bobby croaked out the word, because Buck couldn’t see him nod, his eyes were still closed.

“I was getting a safe delivered. Next time you’re over, I’ll show you. It’s military-grade fireproof. It’s got cash in it, in case of another disaster, around $175, 000. I figure it’s enough to tide all of us over.”

“All of us?” Bobby, again, not confused but awed by Buck.

“Our family,” Buck replied, “It won’t last forever, but it’s a start.”

“Buck, what the hell?” Eddie whispered as his mind was trying to process everything. He knew Buck’s house was paid off, but he hadn’t really thought more about it beyond being proud of his partner. 

“I’ve got copies of birth certificates, passports etc. for everyone. My will’s in there too, just in case…” 

“Buck! What. The. Hell.” Eddie’s voice was slightly hysterical now.

When Buck’s eyes opened to meet Eddie’s and they were cloudy but not tear-filled.

“In a job like ours we need to be prepared, Eddie” Buck reached out for him and Eddie couldn’t resist pulling Buck closer, almost onto his lap, “I just want to take care of you, of all of you, please,” Buck’s words were quiet but everyone around the table heard him. Eddie clutched him tighter, meeting Bobby and Athena’s eyes over Buck’s head. 

“You do such a good job of it, kiddo,” murmured Bobby as he reached across the table to rest a soothing hand on Buck’s back, “Just remember, we’re here for you too.”

“Being a family means we take care of each other,” Athena murmured as she got up and wrapped her arms around Buck and Eddie, Bobby joining her a few seconds later.

9-1-1 // 9-1-1

Things were quiet in the car as Buck and Eddie drove back to Buck’s house. They’d spent a bit more time talking things out with Bobby and Athena. Buck had haltingly explained that some of the money had been Rory’s, willed to him after her death, and some of it was from Nate’s inheritance. Eventually though, Buck had started to blink tiredly, so Eddie had stepped in and ended the evening. They’d left after hugs from both Bobby and Athena, the latter promised to speak to Hen about staying quiet about the amount of money in the envelope. 

So now, Eddie was driving them home, to Buck’s home and he had a million questions in his mind. But he didn’t ask them, just stayed quiet, all through parking the car and Buck greeting Carla and getting the low down on Christopher’s night. When Buck went upstairs to check on Chris, Eddie made a decision and walked to the door, catching Carla’s attention. “Are you okay, Eddie?”

“Do I pay you less than I should?” 

Well, no one ever said Eddie Diaz had tact, at least not more than once a month. 

Somehow, Carla knew what he was asking without asking it. 

“You should talk to your boyfriend. Goodnight, Eddie.”

She walked out the door, but Eddie went after her, “Carla, please?”

“You’re a good father, Eddie. What I charge you is what I charge all of my clients with similar needs.”

“But…?”

“But nothing, Eddie.”

“He halved Abby’s medical expenses,” the words jumped out of Eddie without meaning to.

“He cared about her and he suggested it.”

“And us, Chris?”

“He loves you. Both of you.”

“Carla, can you give me an answer?”

Carla sighed, then turned to look at Eddie face on, “He lured me away from another client, not with money, but with his desire to help someone he barely even knew then.” She moved to Eddie’s side, and patted him on the shoulder, “He covers our day trips, gas for the car, and our food, because he figured it was all he could get away with, but he’d never do anything to make you feel like he’s making decisions for you, which includes paying me.”

Eddie’s shoulders dropped. Carla’s eyes flicked over Eddie’s shoulder, “Now, go talk to your man, huh?”

She set off for her car, while Eddie turned to see Buck in the open doorway to his house, silhouetted by the hall light. 

Eddie moved forward, not stopping until he’d moved Buck back into the entry hallway with his body and locked the door behind himself. 

“Chris is asleep,” murmured Buck, who was fiddling with the hem of his shirt, obviously anxious about something, “Eddie, I’m sorry about…”

Eddie put a finger to Buck’s lips, allowing a small smirk out onto his face as Buck blushed and he quieted, the only sound their breathing. 

“Is there anything else I should know about tonight, cariño?” he whispered, leaning forward a bit, bracketing Buck against the hallway wall. Buck’s hands had bunched up the whole bottom of his shirt by now, “Buck?”

He moved his finger away from Buck’s lips to catch his partner’s jaw in a gentle hold.

“Buck?” Buck was biting his lip now hard enough that Eddie was sure he would draw blood, “What is it?”

“I… I started a college fund, for Christopher.”

Eddie’s grip went slack and his face went blank. He felt like his brain needed to reboot. There was no way, no way Buck had said.

“I know I never asked, and I can have the bank transfer it over to you tomorrow, I’m…” Just before Buck could apologize Eddie’s brain rebooted and instead of wasting time on words he pulled Buck into a fierce kiss. Backing Buck up against the wall, Eddie kissed the man who loved him and his son like they were precious and worthy of everything. 

When they finally pulled apart, Eddie tucked Buck’s head into the crook of his neck and kept pressing kisses to the blonde’s head and shoulders. 

“I love you,” he murmured with every press of his lips. 

“Te amo,” Buck murmured back, peppering Eddie’s neck with kisses. 

“Don’t think we aren’t talking about all of this later,” Eddie quipped softly, “but right now, I have other priorities.” 

“Like what?” Buck asked, a bit dazed.

“You.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for continuing to read and comment. You make my days happier.


End file.
